Fuckness (21 page)

“
Up there! That’s where we’ll stop off!”

He nodded his head in front of the bike and I managed to look up. We were about to start up a large hill. We were both still pedaling like mad, those huge white-feathered wings flapping madly up and down.

“
Wow!” I think I said. I’m not really sure if anything actually came out or not. It was probably just a dry wheeze.

“
Don’t worry, Wally! I’m sure this old beast’ll be able to clear that mountain!” It wasn’t the bike I was worried about.

Skad was truly amazing. When he leaned back to talk to me he didn’t even sound like he was out of breath. And then I had a crazy idea. What if I was there, on the ground, pedaling and pedaling and pedaling and Uncle Skad really
was
somewhere way up in the sky, flying toward the sun? Could it be that I was just confused and making the whole thing harder on myself? I looked down at his feet just to make sure that his legs were actually moving. They were, but it didn’t look like he was putting nearly the effort into it that I was. Maybe if I hadn’t given up to the whumming and the wheezing a long time ago, if I had continued to think we were flying, then maybe I wouldn’t be so exhausted now. But it was too late to start flying in my head again. I was down and we were about ready to start the hardest part.

As soon as we hit the base of the hill, the pace automatically slowed. It was a good thing my legs were numb. Whatever movement they generated was of their own free will. The sizable hill I saw became Skad’s mountain. I couldn’t do anything but look at the top of it and wait. I had faith in our legs. I had faith in the bike.

Uncle Skad rang the bell and called over his shoulder. He was able to speak in a normal voice since we were moving way too slow to create any ear friction, but he still insisted on shouting.

“
We should make quite a show, Wally!”

I tried to say something and unleashed a volley of coughs instead.

“
You okay back there, Wally!”

“
Fine, fine,” I managed. “Where are we going?”

“
I told you! Anywhere! But first I thought we’d stop and get a bite to eat! I’ll buy!”

“
Sounds great. Are we almost there?”

“
Top of the mountain, Wally! It’s called the Hilltop Cafe! A wonderful place! We’ll be there in no time! Just enjoy the ride!”

We were going slow enough for me to look around again. It must have been late afternoon sometime. The hill was covered in trees. The air felt cooler since we were in constant shade and everything smelled woody. I always found the woods to be slightly creepy. They seemed completely disorienting, like you’d never be able to remember where you were. And the further you looked into them, the darker it became. I imagined people living in secret houses and doing secret things like making moonshine and fucking relatives. Both of us were up off our seats, putting some weight into the thrusts and taking some of the strain off our legs. The road wound and twisted to the top of the hill. I knew this made it less steep but it seemed to draw the excursion out to a nearly epic proportion.

A huge car headed straight for us before swerving and honking its horn. I realized that cars had been passing us all day. If I’d been more aware, this would have made me kind of nervous but I was too busy with everything, I guess. Uncle Skad had that effect on me. I didn’t think it would be possible for me to feel unsafe around him. It had been under twenty-four hours since we met and I already felt comfortable. I hadn’t really said much to Skad since telling him my story yesterday, which was another thing. I didn’t feel compelled to talk, like I should just say stuff for the hell of it, but I did feel like I could blurt things out. If I had a thought I could go ahead and say it.

My stomach started growling and I wondered where the hell this restaurant Skad was talking about was. The trees gradually thinned and the ground gradually leveled.

“
Any minute now!” Uncle Skad shouted. I really hoped he’d stop doing that soon. “We won’t take this bird through town!”

We rode it for a few more yards. Once we reached the leveled top of the hill it felt like we were gliding along on ball bearings. We were at the edge of a very small town. Actually, calling it a town was, more or less, hyperbole. It was more like the fractured remains of a town. The top of the hill really wasn’t large enough to contain an entire society. To my right I saw the Hilltop Cafe, a small, rundown-looking restaurant. A large red neon sign on its roof flashed “EAT” into the coming dusk. Across the street, to my left, there was a football field, the gruff shouts and plastic clatter of helmets and pads echoing through the quiet. On the far side of the hill were a few houses, built there for the view, no doubt. A gas station sat beside the Hilltop. On the left side of the road, where the football field was, there were a couple of other two-story brick structures. I couldn’t tell what they were. I didn’t really give a fuck, either. I was ravenous.

We rode the bike over to the side of the road and got off. My legs nearly rubberbanded me to the ground. We pushed the bike over into the edge of the woods.

“
How’d you like the trip, Wally?”

“
It was all right, I guess.”

“
It was fantastic!”

“
Fantastic!”

“
We’ll leave this baby right here. Let’s go get some food.”

“
Thanks for being so nice, Uncle Skad.”

“
Hell. Thank Otto, it’s his money. May he rest in peace. Otto was an expert panhandler and he didn’t drink so he had a good amount socked away.”

Both of us walked very slowly toward the restaurant. It was pretty windy there at the top of the hill and the air was starting to moisten a little. It would probably rain all day tomorrow, I figured. The air smelled much better up here than down in Milltown. I could smell the dirt and the grass—all the smells were good clean smells. And as we got closer to the restaurant, I could smell even better smells, the toasting of bread, the frying of flesh and boiling vats of fat.

Skad took a deep breath. “Ah, the best food this side of the carnival, Wally. You get whatever you want.”

The glass door jingled as Skad swung it open. The only people in there were a family sitting over in a corner booth. None of the waitresses were visible. I suddenly had an overwhelming urge to urinate. Apparently Skad also had the urge to urinate. We matched each other step for step, our shoes sticking to the yellow tiled floor, as we retreated for the obscure back location that harbored most bathrooms. In this one, you had to open a door to a small vestibule before the actual bathroom door. I got my hand on the handle first and then Uncle Skad’s covered mine. We paused as though both of us were locked in some form of homophobic dilemma. Skad looked me in the eye and issued a challenge: “This is okay. We can have a pee race if you feel up for it."

I didn’t grow up with any brothers or any fuckness like that and when Racecar pissed he had to sit down, so I didn’t really know what the hell a pee race was.

“
What’s that?” I asked.

“
Oh, it’s easy. There’s nothing to it. Just do what you normally do.”

We crowded into the small bathroom and quickly shut the door. Skad kicked up the toilet seat and had his pants unzipped before I even knew what was going on. He dangled his penis over the bowl and gave it a shake. I unzipped my pants and fished around for my penis. I chuckled with the absurdity of it all. Normally my penis was sucked back into the body cavity. That probably came from being so high- strung. I looked down and saw Skad had already started, his piss pretty much the color of the bathroom. I had trouble starting. I’ve always been a little bit pee shy. I almost never went at school but if I did I had to use a stall. Skad had a really respectable-looking dick. I was sure he had it named something really masculine like Brock or Rocky or some fuckness like that. Mine looked weak. Long and skinny. A real Mr. Lawrence.

Finally, I started up, the piss screaming out of me. There was nothing like a good piss after a long wait. I was sort of surprised anything came out. Skad’s stream was slow and steady, heavy-sounding. Mine was the urinary equivalent of a greyhound. The two streams crossed each other, bubbling in the once clear water. Skad’s stream slowly ground to a halt. It looked like he had won. A few seconds later, I finished. Skad’s dick suddenly let go with a couple more spurts and he shook it vigorously. He held the entire thing in his hand while he urinated whereas I’d normally only had to use a couple of fingers or perhaps a thumb delicately pressing down on the head. Anyway, now it looked like I had won.

“
Damn that prostate,” Uncle Skad said. He zippered up and looked at me. “Congratulations, Wally, you’re the first person to beat me in a pee race. Maybe I should retire. Wallace Black. The new pee race champion!”

“
Hooray!” I said.

“
Okay, let me walk out first. When I get to the booth and sit down, you go ahead and come out. Don’t want people to think we’re weird.”

Skad left the dim bathroom vestibule, picked a booth in front of the window and sat down. Once he got a cigarette lit, I went ahead and walked out too. I walked quickly and with my head down. The only time I was really conscious of the horns’ weight was when I lowered my head like that. This really felt like the first time I’d been out in public daylight since tooling around Milltown in the wheelchair yesterday morning. Christ, that was only the day before! It felt like a fucking century ago. After I got to the booth and sat down, I felt a little less self-conscious. I mean, I was used to being a freak anyway so you’d think I’d just be able to shut out those voices around me. But it was just the opposite. As soon as I went anywhere in public my body established some form of hyperawareness to the mocking voices around me.

For instance, when I got to that booth and sat down, I heard a little girl from the family table over in the corner say, “What’s wrong with that man?”

The mother whispered something in her ear, I couldn’t quite make out everything she said, but I’m pretty sure I heard the word “dangerous” in there. That made me want to laugh. I found the notion absurd. Maybe someone who knew about the murders would think I was dangerous but I didn’t think the horns made me look dangerous. I figured it probably had more of the effect of watching a prepubescent boy struggle with his first set of weights. Nevertheless, after hearing that, after knowing I’d been noticed, I sat there in dread. I sat there in dread because I kept waiting for some sort of macho instinct to kick in with the father of the family, like he’d have to come over to our table and kick the shit out of me and Uncle Skad to show his family how protective he was. But he made no attempt to stand up. He just kept glancing back over his shoulder to make sure we weren’t moving in to rape, rob, and loot his family.

“
Hungry, Wally?” Skad asked.

“
Starved.”

“
Make up your mind quick. Here comes the waitress.”

“
Oh, I know what I want.”

The young waitress sauntered up to the table wearing a one piece skirt the same color as the toilet bowl once it was filled with mine and Skad’s piss. She couldn’t have been much older than me and she already looked totally beaten down by the world. Snapping her gum between her teeth, she lackadaisically ran her eyes up my horns. She wiped her greasy brown bangs off her greasier forehead and slapped her order pad down on the table, leaning over it. She wore her hair pulled back into a sloppy ponytail, dandruff flaking rampantly around the canyon of her part.

“
What can I getcha?” She refused to make eye contact.

Skad ordered a cheeseburger, fries, and coffee. I ordered country fried steak. This place seemed like the type of place that would have especially good country fried steak. Country fried steak was the wonderful invention seemingly designed with the express purpose of creating a heart attack. You start with a cut of the poorest quality beef. The beef is then covered in breading and deep fried. Once fried, it is coated in a thick white gravy. I also ordered a Coke.

The waitress schlepped back to the unseemly looking kitchen. I hadn’t eaten in a lot of restaurants so it must have been something instinctual telling me we probably wouldn’t be seeing the food for quite a while. She did, however, return immediately with our beverages. She lingered at the table for a few uncomfortable moments before going back to the kitchen.

I looked out the window, across the street to where the high schoolers were playing football. I realized Skad was staring at me.

“
You don’t say a whole lot, do you, Wally?”

“
I guess, no, not much.”

“
I think talking is something you have to practice, anyway. Sometimes, if there’s no one around to talk to, you just kind of get out of practice.”

I nodded my head. I just assumed I didn’t talk because I didn’t really have anything to say.

“
Myself, I don’t normally talk too much, either. But when I saw you, I had the overwhelming urge to talk. I don’t know why.” He took a sip of his coffee and flicked his ashes onto the floor, neglecting the ashtray sitting right there on the table. “You know all that stuff I told you about at the house last night?”

I nodded my head.

“
Lies. There wasn’t any truth to that at all. It was a story. Actually a series of stories. You’re the first person to hear them though. Well, that’s not true, either. The stories aren’t entirely my own. Dr. Blast and I cooked them up. That’s what we do when we get together. We drink, we smoke, we tell stories... We
build
stories. My life has not been that eventful at all. If only it was, Wallace, if only it was. I’m surprised Sadie never told you the truth of it.