Fueled (50 page)

“Nothing happened.” He throws his hands up as the image of Tawny legs, hard nipples pressed against his T-shirt, and her smug smile flickers through my head. "
What is it going to take to make you believe me?”
The sound in his voice takes me by surprise. As if he really can’t believe my doubt in him. Haddie’s comments flicker through my mind, but I push them away. She wasn’t there.
She didn’t see what I saw.
She didn’t see Tawny tousled from sleep with that victorious siren’s smile across her swollen lips. The condom wrapper fluttering to the ground like a nail sealing the coffin lid shut. “Rylee, Tawny came to the house. We were drunk. Things got out of control. It all happened so fast that—”

“Stop!” I shout, holding up my hand, not wanting to hear the gory details that I know for sure will break my heart even further. “All I know, Colton, is that you pushed me to open up—to feel again after everything that happened with Max—and I did exactly what you said. I trusted you, despite my head telling me not to. I allowed myself to feel again
. I gave everything of myself to you
. Was willing to give so much more…and the minute you got spooked, you ran into the arms of another woman.
That’s not okay with me.
”

He leans back against the wall opposite me, and we just stare at each other, sadness smothering the air between us. I can see him struggle with something but push it back. “I don’t know what else to say, Rylee…”

“Saying nothing and running away are two completely different things.” He pushes himself off of the wall and takes a step toward me. I shake my head at him. The fact that not once has he acknowledged that I told him I loved him slingshots into my head. He’s here trying to make things right, but he can’t acknowledge the words I spoke to him.
This is so fucked up
. “I could’ve lived with you saying nothing. I could’ve accepted you running away. But you ran into the arms of another woman. I can’t bring myself to trust that it wouldn’t happen again. You made your choice when you slept with Tawny.”

His shoulders sag and his eyes flash with fire at my words before settling with defeat. “
I need you
.” The unhindered honesty behind his words strikes me and twists my heart.

“There’s a fine line between wanting me and needing me, Colton. I needed you too.”
And I still do
. “But you obviously needed her more. I just hope she was worth it.” I choke on the words and shake my head. Anything to try and erase the sound of his voice saying he needs me. Anything to prevent the doubt from creeping in.

Hurt propels my thoughts. Devastation controls my actions. “I think it’s best you go.” I whisper, forcing the words past my lips.

He just looks at me, pools of green silently pleading with me. “You’ve made your choice then…. ” His voice is broken. Silent. Resigned.

I can’t bring myself to agree with him. My body is a riot of conflicting answers, and saying it out loud will just add permanence to something half of me wants over and done with while the other half would kill to have a second chance at. There is nothing left for me to say. But I say it anyway.

“Yes, I have. But only because you did it for me.”

“Rylee...”

“
And mine's no longer you
.”

I break from his gaze and stare at the floor.
Anything to get him to leave
. He stands staring at me for a time, but I refuse to raise my head and look at him.

“This is fucking bullshit, Rylee, and you know it,” he says evenly to me before turning to walk out. “
I guess you don’t love the broken in me after all
.”

The sob catches in my throat at his words and it takes everything I have to stay on my feet. And even standing proves to be too much because the minute I hear the door close, I slide down the wall until I hit the floor.

The tears come. Hard, jagged sobs that shudder through my body and steal little pieces of my soul with each one. His parting words echo over and over in my head until I know for sure that I’m the one that’s broken, not him.

Doubts creep through. Sorrow sets in. Devastation reigns.

I slip back into my hotel room for a quick respite before the next event occurs. I tell myself that I just need to take a breather, but I know for a fact that I’m just being a coward and avoiding Colton as I’ve done for the better part of the day. He’s been nothing but cordial in front of others but aloof when no one is watching. Hurt is evident in his eyes, but then it’s prevalent in mine as well.

In one of the rare instances that we were alone, I tried to talk to Colton about his parting words to me. I wanted to tell him that I do love the broken in him—that I still want the parts of him that he’s hiding away and afraid to let out—but when I opened my mouth to speak, he just dismissed me away with a glacial glare. His patience has obviously run out. It’s what I wanted, so why do I feel like I’m dying inside.

What am I doing?
Am I making a huge mistake
? I press the heels of my hands to my eyes and sigh. Having him move on should make me happy. Should make me relieved that I don’t have to put up with the “let me explain” routine. Then why am I so utterly miserable? Why do I have to swallow the huge lump in my throat every time I think of him or look at him?

I’m screwing this up
. Maybe I need to listen to him. Give him the chance to explain. Maybe if I know the whole story it will help me push through this pain and move on once I hear all of the sordid details of his night with Tawny. And I think these details are exactly what I fear…but what if there are no sordid details? What if everything Haddie has been pushing into my ears is legitimate?

What if I’m in the wrong?

Crap. I am screwing this up. I can’t even think straight—thoughts fragmenting in a million directions—but I know I’m fucking this up.

My cell phone chirps a text notification, and it drags me from my schizophrenic thoughts. It’s a text from Dane about Zander. I dial him immediately. “What’s wrong?” I ask in response to his greeting.

“He had a pretty rough night, Ry.” He blows out a loud sigh. “Actually talked about that night. It was his dad, Ry. And he swears that he saw his dad in his window last night. Freaked out. Literally. But Avery was in the room with him, and she said that there was no one there.”

“
Oh God!”
is all I can say, imagining the fear tearing through his little body.

“Yeah…Avery did a great job with him though. In fact, he hasn’t left her side all day.”

“Is he still talking?” My mind immediately thinks of all of the progress he’s made in the past month. Of how in therapy he’s started drawing pictures depicting what happened that horrific night and started piecing it together for both his counselors and the authorities. A set back like this could wipe all of that away and then some.

“Not as much but it’s still fresh in his mind. I’m just keeping Avery with him. The two of them have really bonded.”

“Do I need to come home? I can…” Guilt spirals through me. I should be there with Zander right now. Comforting him. Helping him through this. Holding him.

“Don’t be silly, Ry. We’ve got it covered. I just know how you like to know everything about the kids when it happens.”

“You’re sure?”

“Positive,” he reiterates. “How’s it going resisting the Adonis? Is the ship still sinking or are you diving into his bits of paradise?”

I can’t help the smile that forms on my lips. “You’ve been talking to Haddie, haven’t you?” His silence is the only answer that I need. Resigned and needing someone to bounce things off of, I reluctantly respond. “It’s…confusing.” I sigh.

“Men always are, babe.”

I laugh. “I don’t know, Dane. I know what I saw. I’m not stupid. But between Haddie telling me I’m being stubborn and Colton’s non-stop denial, I wonder if I’m making a mistake. I just don’t get how one plus one doesn’t equal two.”

He just makes a non-committal sound on the other end of the line while he thinks. “Shit, Ry, not everything is black and white if you know what I mean. What does it hurt to hear him out?”

I breathe out audibly, fear snaking through me that I really might be wrong. That I might already be too late. “My pride.”

“Sugar, maybe you should be holding on a little tighter to that Adonis instead of your pride. That’ll just cause you to end up alone with lots of cats.”

A silence settles between us, his words striking a little closer to home than I care to admit. “Yeah…I know.”

“Then get off your ass and do something about it! A gorgeous man like that isn’t going to wait around forever regardless of how delicious you are. Shit, I just might try to turn him.”

I laugh again; always appreciative of Dane and his unsolicited advice that no doubt puts me in my place. Crap! I thank him quickly and hang up, my mind made up. I scramble quickly, slipping my practical outfit over my head, and grab the sexiest dress I have in my suitcase.

In the time I’ve had to sit and think about everything, I’ve reapplied my make-up and given myself a pep talk to regain some of my confidence. I’m not sure what I’m going to say to Colton, but I have to say something. I have to fix the damage of this cluster-fuck that we’re continually finding ourselves in.

It’s time for me to put on my big girl panties.

I figure if I can speak to him quickly, then I can make some plans to see him afterward and talk things through. I double-check my reflection in the mirrors of the elevator. My quick change has done wonders for both my appearance and my attitude. I head toward the ballroom where the event of the evening is taking place. An event that I had not been scheduled to attend, but I don’t care. I have to do this now.

I can’t wait any longer. I can’t waste another minute clutching to my pride.

And besides, I really hate cats.

The evening’s event is a charitable cocktail party where people pay the requisite donation and get the rights to say they had drinks with the elusive Colton Donavan. As much as I'm thrilled that the funds will be going toward a local St. Petersburg organization for orphaned children, I have a hunch that the attendees of this evening's event will be more concerned with trying to grab Colton's attention—or rather what's in his pants—than the kids their money will be helping.

I take a deep breath as I walk. My mind’s made up. I need to talk to Colton. Tonight. I need to either bury this or take a chance, trust him, and listen to what he has to say. Believe him when he tells me that he didn’t sleep with Tawny—that he’d never cheat on me. I silently rehearse the words I want to say. Nerves jingle in my stomach. I smooth my hands over my dress, turning the corner to the foyer leading to the ballroom and stop dead in my tracks when I come face to face with the one person I have dreaded seeing this entire trip. The one person I am most certain that Colton has purposely kept my eyes from even catching a glimpse of.

“
Well isn’t this an unexpected surprise
,” her unmistakable voice chides, causing the hairs on the back of my neck to stand up. It takes everything I have from launching myself at her. From slapping that smug, smarmy smirk off of her face and showing her how I really feel about her.

And I’m just about to lay into her when the gentleman passing by catches my eye and nods at me, a murmured, “Rylee,” on his lips—a corporate sponsor.

I nod back at him, forcing a slight smile in greeting, knowing that as much as I’d like to attack Tawny right here and show her what I think of her, I can’t commit the professional suicide that would result from it. And I know that Tawny knows it because she works her tongue in her cheek as her smirk widens.

“What?” she says, looking me up and down. “You’re finally ready to forgive Colton for his indiscretions?” She quirks her eyebrows, so much more than contempt dancing in her eyes. And it’s not lost on me that the word ‘indiscretions’ is plural. I stare at Tawny, so many things I’d like to spew at her running through my mind. I physically have to clench my fists to prevent them from reaching out and slapping her. Anger is so thick in my throat that words don’t come. Feelings—emotions—hatred overwhelms, but words don’t come.