Fully Restored (14 page)

And there it is. My world, everything I do, still involves her. She’s in every decision I make. Will Teagan like this color? What would Teagan think of this tile? I want her back in my life so much I can’t even think about not having her. This house, I’m finishing it for her. For us. Because I just can’t live in a world where Teagan isn’t with me, where our future isn’t together.

Someday, when this passes and we are together again, she’s gonna live in this house. It’s our house. So I work on it for her.

I’m pitiful.

*****

When I got to work this morning, the mood in the shop was lighter than it had been for a while. I grabbed a work order and went to work, focusing on getting the job done well and not pissing my boss off more.

“Brock, my office for a moment please.” Jonathan yelled across the bay.

Shit, this couldn’t be good. Maybe he had just had enough of me, of seeing the cause of all his pain every day. I straightened from working on the engine and quickly wiped the grime off my hands before heading into his office. He shut the door as soon as I was in and motioned for me to sit. I did, trying to fight the urge to panic and run.

“I know it hasn’t been easy, working here with me these last two weeks. Don’t get me wrong, I’m still angry as fuck at you. But, in the interest of the shop, and ultimately my daughter, I’m working on this.”

Wait, did this mean Teagan wasn’t mad at me? If he was trying to get along with me in the interest of his daughter…He continued.

“Teagan isn’t coming back to the shop. She isn’t actually coming back at all. She was released yesterday afternoon and spent today apartment hunting. She apparently found something she loves and will be moving in immediately, as the place has been empty for some time. I just felt you should know that she is better and moving on. I want you to be able to move on as well. I’m working on it. She doesn’t hold any bad feelings for you, and she wishes you the best. So, that’s that. Thanks for all your hard work lately, you really are the best in the shop. I would’ve hated to have to fire you.” He ended on a small laugh.

I didn’t see anything to laugh at.  I felt like the room was closing in on me, like the floor had just been yanked out from under me. Everything I had been doing, all the work on the house, all the work here at the shop, all of it was with the ultimate goal of getting Teagan back, and now to hear she was just gone? It wasn’t like she was just getting another job, she wasn’t coming back at all.

“Where is she? Where did she move? I need to see her. I need to explain, make things right again. I love her Jonathan.”  I was begging, pleading with the man to help me out. I couldn’t let her go. I needed her. She was my future. She brought me back to life, taught me how to enjoy living again outside of jail. She accepted me, messed up past and all. I fucked up, I needed to make this right. I had too.

Jonathan stood and patted me on the shoulder, “Brock, she is finally healing, doing so much better than any of us ever hoped. Please leave it be. Leave her alone and let her move on. She’s spent so many years living with those rumors and the emotions tied to them hanging over her, making the decisions for her. It’s time for her to move on, move forward, focus on herself for once. She deserves to be happy. Let it go Brock.” With that, he left me sitting, stunned, in his office.

How could she move forward and be happy without me? I couldn’t without her. She was it for me, it wasn’t fair.

I left the office in a fog, returning to the car and finishing the job I had been working on, though truth be told, I don’t know if the job I did was any good. I wasn’t there, mentally. I was focused on finding some way to get to Teagan. I couldn’t just move on. There was no “forward” for me without her in it.

*****

I was wandering the streets of Lodo (Lower Downtown), aimlessly, trying to think of where Teagan might want to move when I saw a familiar face. Justin was standing on the corner questioning a teenager about something. Interesting. I knew he was with the Denver police force but had never actually seen him in work mode. He was always joking and laughing with Meghan, it didn’t fit the image of the stern man on the corner yelling at the youth.

After standing and watching the interaction for a while, I headed over to see him when he let the teen go, apparently with a stern warning. Justin was a good guy.

“Hey man, imagine seeing you down here! What are you up to in Lodo?” he asked when he saw me approach.

“Naw man, I’ve been wandering around town, aimlessly, hoping to stumble on Teagan, kinda like I stumbled on you. I have to find her man, I have to explain. I need to get her back.”

Yep, I was that whiny ass guy that all the friends made fun of behind his back. I would willingly give up my man card if Teagan would just walk around the corner right now. Justin just shook his head and gave me a look that said I was pitiful and he was sorry for me.

“Dude, you know I can’t tell you, Meghan would have my balls, and I kinda like them just where they are. Besides, this is a good thing for her. Teagan’s doing well, stronger than I’ve ever seen her. Meghan said she’s still going to therapy, but she is actually making progress this time. No new personality in the mix, just her. The real her. One none of us have really seen since you demolished her in high school.” He shook his head in shame and disbelief at me. It stung. “Yeah, that was harsh, but man, why? Why would you start rumors like that about someone, and not tell them about it when you start dating them years later? I mean, you could have avoided this whole thing had you been upfront about it. She would’ve been upset, but she loved you so she would’ve found a way to work with it. That’s just who she is.”

I knew this, I didn’t need people to keep reminding me what an absolute fuckup I was. Seriously, I got it.

“I get it man, I do. She’s doing well, and as much as it hurts me that she is doing so well without me, I’m not. I’m barely surviving here. I need to at least talk to her. Please. Man to man, help me out here.” Again with the begging.

Justin just shook his head, “Can’t man. But maybe in time, who knows? Listen, Meghan and I are going to have a get together at the house this weekend, you should come. Get out of your house and stop moping around. Meet some new friends, hell, maybe a new girl? You don’t need to love her, but fuck, getting laid never hurt anyone.” He winked.

I sighed. This wasn’t going anywhere and as much as I hated the idea of moving on, hanging out with friends was probably a good idea. I wasn’t going to stop looking for her, but I was going to do my best at being happy in the meantime.

“Okay, you’re right. Hanging with you and Meghan would be nice, thank you. But please, don’t try and set me up with anyone, okay? I’m not ready. I’m not sure I’ll ever be ready.”

He nodded, understanding showing in his eyes.

“I’ve gotta get back out there, so, Saturday night, seven-ish? Bring beer.”

He turned and walked down the street, presumably headed to his squad car and back out to bust another misbehaving teen. I could do this. I wasn’t ready to move on, but I needed something other than the house to keep me busy until I found a way to get to Teagan. Besides, maybe someone at the party knew where she was and wouldn’t be as locked down with the information. Hell, drunk people liked to blab, maybe this would be worth more than just some friend time.

I meandered back down the streets, finding my truck with the meter just about to run out of time. Getting in, I headed home to work on finding a way to move forward. If Teagan could do this, I could too. If only I could believe the words I was so easily telling myself.

Chapter Thirteen

Teagan

I
loved my new place. Evergreen was a small mountain town not too far from Denver, so I could easily visit my dad and Meghan on a regular basis. I was slowly making the place mine, finding eclectic items and furniture to fill my space that was uniquely me. I had this mountain chic thing going on. Retro and funky but still rustic and feminine. Nothing matched, yet it worked together perfectly.

My favorite piece was a huge, Beatle-kill wood bed that I had found at a local shop. It was a one of a kind piece. Beatle kill wood was all over Denver, due to the massive infestation we’d been dealing with for years. The wood takes on this greenish hue and is really pretty. The bed should have looked heavy and chunky, but somehow, it didn’t. The slender beams were carved to make them look almost fragile. I had found a cute comforter set on sale at a bedding store and it pulled the green from the wood out more, accentuating it. I loved it. It was perfect for me.

I sat at a local coffee shop, flipping through the classifieds, looking for jobs at local car repair shops but none of them seemed to call to me. I didn’t want to do everyday car work. That didn’t sound fun to me at all. Going to work every day to change people’s oil and rotate tires was not what I wanted to do with my life.

I thought of
Phoebe
, sitting in front of my dad’s shop. That’s what I want to do. I wanted to restore old cars. Problem is, restoration shops are few in the front range area. My dad’s shop is one of maybe three, and his is the best. The other two were nowhere near Evergreen.

I stood and got a refill of coffee to go and headed out of the shop. The great thing about small towns was the ability to walk everywhere. Turning the corner to walk home, thinking about this restoration problem, I looked up and saw a for sale sign at a closed gas station.

It was like lightning struck me. I could open my own shop. I had the money, having never really paid bills. I was good, I knew people in the business and could get them to come work for me. I could even get clients from my past work at dad’s shop.

For the first time in years, I felt joy. I practically flew over to the sale sign to get the phone number and call the agent. She was willing to meet with me now, seeing as I was already here. I was practically bouncing while I waited for her to arrive. My dad would be so proud. Shit. Dad. I needed to tell him my idea, he would want to help.

Since I had the time, I called him at the shop while I was waiting.

“Dad!! I figured it out! I’m gonna open my own restoration shop here in Evergreen! I found a place walking home today and the idea just came to me. I don’t want to work on cars, changing oil for someone every day. I want to work on cars, rebuild them from the frame up. I want to make them beautiful again. And I can! I can do this. What do you think?”

Silence. Well, that wasn’t what I was expecting.

“Dad?”

I heard him move and a door shut. Shit. He didn’t think I could do this. Or, maybe he was worried I would take his business. Why hadn’t I thought of that? I mean, my shop would be in direct competition with his. Maybe this wasn’t the right plan.

“Teagan, I think this is a great idea, but you don’t just go jumping in to starting a new business. I get that you’re excited and stuff, and yes, it’s a great idea and you certainly could do this. But you need to do some research first, find out if there is a market in Evergreen for this. There aren’t a ton of people in that town, which means you would have to rely on people driving up from Denver to see you. How would you draw them in? Do some market research first, meet with a local town planner, hell, take me to see the places. I’m not saying don’t do this. I’m just saying don’t do anything yet.”

Okay, so what he said made a lot of sense. I really had just had this idea about ten minutes ago and now I was waiting for a real estate agent to show me a shop. I didn’t have any idea how to run a business on my own. Of course, I’ve been helping dad run his as long as I could remember, but that was different. I had help. This was on my own. And I needed to keep it that way, find out if I could do this on my own thing.

“You’re right dad. I need to do some work before I just jump in. But I’m going to do this. I need to do this. It feels right. Will you help me?”

“Of course baby, I think it’s a wonderful idea and I would love to help, but promise me you won’t make any rash decisions okay? At least call me first, right?”

“Right dad. Okay, the agent just pulled up. I’m gonna look at this place to start. Maybe the agent knows about the local economy, I mean, she’s selling the shop, she had to do some research on it to sell it, right?”

“It’s a good start. Call me after, tell me how it went okay?”

I had an amazing dad. Supporting me even though I would probably end up taking some of his business.

“Absolutely dad. Thank you. Talk later, love you!”

“Love you too baby.”

I hung up and went to meet with the agent. I was excited for the first time in ages. I felt really good about this. I still ached for Brock, even if he was the cause of my pain, he was also the cause of my growth. I wouldn’t be here, figuring out what makes me happy, wanting to open my own shop, if it weren’t for him.

Thinking of him made me sad so I pushed those thoughts aside and walked into the shop, led by the agent, who introduced herself as
Christine.
Well, if that wasn’t a sign I was supposed to be doing this…

*****

I fell in love with the shop the minute I saw it. It was going to be mine, I had the money, I just needed the knowledge. However, after the discussion earlier in the week with my dad, I knew I needed to do more than just research before I opened a restoration business.

I was currently walking across the courtyard at Metro having just met with admissions about starting business classes. If I did this, full time, I could earn a business degree in two years. I had started college directly after high school, but at the time I had been directionless and scared. I didn’t last long. Now, I knew what I wanted and I held my head high as I smiled and made my way to my car. Turns out my directionless years hadn’t been for nothing. All of my classes transferred and covered all of my gen/ed credits. All I had to take were the actual business courses themselves.

I felt free, light, new. Like I had finally given up holding on to the past that had hurt me so badly and grasped onto my future. One I am building just for me, just by me. A me finally strong enough to stand on her own. I started classes Monday and I couldn’t wait. Two years didn’t seem that long when in comparison to the last 15 or so I’ve spent living a shadow of life, living off my dad, and then through Brock. Waiting for someone to make me matter, when all along I needed to make myself matter, I needed to be happy with myself on my own. Two years. I would be in two years. Hell, I was already on my way. I bounced across the open courtyard like a kid, ready for what the future held for once.

Brock

What little information I was managing to get out of locals with not even enough to fill a thimble with. She seemed to be doing well. She was happy. She was moving on. Hell, if that were true, maybe what we had wasn’t as big as I thought it was. Maybe it was time for me to get back out there. I wasn’t really ready, but maybe if I pretended long enough, I could…what was that saying, ‘fake it till ya make it’?

That’s how it goes right? I was going to give this new attitude a try beginning with this weekend at Justin and Meghan’s new place. It was just the place, small group of people, I could do this.

*****

I couldn’t do this. I grabbed a beer from the bucket near the front door and wandered through the party. A few people my ass…this was nearly everyone from our graduating class. Including fucking Summer, who had apparently crashed. I had words for that bitch. She cost me everything. I could feel my hands gripping the beer bottle so tightly it was about to shatter. I needed to relax. I needed to leave. I wasn’t ready for this. I wasn’t ready to move on. My heart was still missing, it was still with Teagan, wherever she was. I was going to love her forever. That wasn’t going to change. This was a joke.

I turned around to head out when the bitch stepped in front of me. Not good. She leaned in and ran an overlong fingernail down my front, breathing in my face.

“Hiya Brock” she started, with what I assume was her attempt at having a seductive voice. “Way to go with the baggage! Now that she is gone, we can move forward with our relationship.” She was insane! Rubbing her breasts on my arms and licking my neck. I was doing my best to not gag and hit her. I don’t hit women, but she was really pushing it. Baggage? Teagan was never baggage. I may not have her currently, but I knew she was my only. There was no other person for me. I just needed to figure out how to manage my time while she figured out her life and got better. Then I would start to put myself back in, regain her trust.

Summer snapped her fingers in front of my face, “Hello? Did you hear a word I just said?”

I snorted, batting her hand out of my face, “Summer, I don’t have the correct measuring units to show you exactly how few fucks I give about you or what you said. You’re a bitch. You and your big mouth and nasty attitude cost me the love of my life. I was working with her, getting her to the point where I could tell her my past and you jumped in and purposefully ruined it. I don’t know what you think, but know this. You and I will
never
happen. Ever. I don’t know what fantasy world you have been living in, but there never was a
you and me
. There will never
be
a you and me. For me, there will always only be Teagan. She’s here (I placed my hand on my chest, where the ache was so strong) even if she’s not here (I gestured to the party).  You, you are just a smudge on the pages of my life.  A high school dalliance. Equal to a nocturnal emission, or my hand. You were convenient and easy.”

The shock on Summer’s face was priceless. I knew what I was saying was harsh, but if she could dish it out, she could take it. Hearing the sincerity in my own words, I knew the truth. I knew that no matter how many parties I went to, how many nights out with friends, or just having drinks, I wouldn’t move on. I couldn’t move on. Teagan was it for me. I didn’t need to figure out how to move on, I needed to figure out how to cope. I needed to learn what my new normal would be; how to function with this never ending pain in my chest. The gaping hole that only I could see.

Leaving Summer to stew in her hate, I turned to find Meghan or Justin to let them know I was headed out. After finding them, I threw my now warm beer in the trash and headed home. I felt a little lighter, what with my discovery. I had no clue how to deal with it, but I had time. I just needed to come up with a plan.

*****

By the time morning rolled around, I hadn’t had any sleep but I still felt renewed. I knew what I was going to do. Time was on my side, I just had to keep moving forward. One step at a time, one day at a time.

Locking up the house, I headed in to work. I smiled and nodded where it was expected, laughed at the appropriate places. For the first time I didn’t hassle Jonathan for his daughter’s whereabouts. Inside, I was aching, hurting, empty, but on the outside I was a picture of normality. This was my new normal, the living with the pain and smiling over the hurt. Until I earned Jonathan’s trust back, and figured out where Teagan was, this was how it had to be. I would be his best worker, his top earner, and I would smile. Eventually, someone had to slip and let me know where Teagan was or how she was doing. Until then, this was it. Fuck. My. Life.