Fun With Rick and Jade (8 page)

“For what it’s worth, Rick, you don’t look half bad.”
That should sting
.

She’d have him totally emasculated in short order. His ego already stood on shaky ground. Some guys thrived on ridicule, even paying dearly for some derision. Not him. But she needed to keep him at arm’s length with her contempt and an air of superiority. He’d thank her one day. Besides, she had one job to master. Motherhood. She would not fail.
Mothers do not have time for relationships, hence the need for hookers
.

“And the hits keep on coming,” he mumbled. He glanced in the rearview mirror. “She sure sleeps a lot.”

Jade twisted to take a peek at Coral sleeping in her car seat. “Not nearly enough.”

Turning his attention to her, he asked, “How much sleep did you get last night?”

“Again, not nearly enough.”

“Why don’t you pump those puppies,” he pointed lazily at her breasts, “and I’ll get up and feed her tonight. Let you catch up on some sleep. How hard can it be? I’ll even be the designated driver tonight so you can knock a few drinks back.”

This time Jade pointed at her breasts. “I’m off booze and caffeine until I’m through breastfeeding.” She also avoided spicy food and junk food, not taking any chances with what she put into Coral’s body. Natural and organic foods only.

His eyes cut to her face, followed shortly by her breasts. “And when will that be?”

“I haven’t decided.” She lightly squeezed them. “My nipples look like a war zone.”

“I’m afraid I didn’t notice last night.” A grin tugged at his lips.

“I told you once already,” she flicked him in the skull with her index finger, “I don’t want to talk about last night.”

“Whoa!” The car ahead stopped suddenly. Rick hit the brakes firmly, simultaneously reaching his hand across to her. He grasped her forearm and stopped the car inches from the pickup truck ahead. “You okay?”

The incident jump-started her heart, but other than that she was fine. “Yeah.”

His eyes darted to the rearview mirror. “Coral?” Rick released his hold on Jade to drag his fingers through his hair.

“She’s fine.” Asleep. Sometimes the kid woke at the drop of a pin. Other times an air-raid siren wouldn’t wake her.

A chime sounded from his pocket. “Could you get that? I don’t want to get ticketed.” Rick lifted off his seat and straightened out so Jade could dig through the pocket of his worn 501s that hugged his package nicely. His butt had looked good in them, too. The faded jeans, the black T-shirt, the new haircut—all of it competed for her undivided attention.

She was onto him, but fished around for the cell resting deep in his pocket. She sort of enjoyed his childishness. “Hello?” Jade listened, stifling a yawn. She covered the speaker with her hand. “It’s your fish.” Uncovering the phone, she said, “This is Rick’s wife, Jade. He’s driving. Oh no!” She feigned concern while assessing her shiny nails. “Rick, honey, the hotel lost their reservation.”

“You’re kidding.”

“That’s criminal,” she said to the caller. “They what?”

“What? What’s going on?” He tried to snatch the device from her hand.

“Keep your eyes on the road, sweetie, and your hands on the wheel.” She blocked his attempt to grab the phone. “The hotel called and got them a room at a motel by the airport,” she relayed to him. “That won’t do. We insist you come stay with us, don’t we, dear?”

“We do?” Rick cleared his throat. “I mean, yeah, we do.”

“It’s settled. Let me give you the address.” And then she wouldn’t be alone in the house with Rick.
Bonus
. Not that Bob and Candy in the house had stopped them from fucking last night, but it should have. Any number of things should have stopped them—like a baby, for starters—but hadn’t. “See you soon.” She disconnected.

Poor Rick’s brow drew together. “Are you mental?”

“I’m pretty sure I’m not.” She checked her lipstick in the visor mirror. “Why?”

“I seriously doubted we could pull this off at all, and now they’re going to be under the same roof with us.” His eyes crinkled at the corners in disbelief. “My plan had been drinks, dinner, and then after dessert and coffee, he’d hand me a damn check.”

“I just made him indebted to you. You can thank me anytime.” Jade plucked out their home number on the phone she still held, careful not to smudge her new nails. “I hope I can catch the cleaning lady before she leaves. The guest room needs to be guest-ready.”

“They can’t stay in that crappy room I slept in last night.”

“They can’t stay in Bob and Candy’s room.” That room could be a dead giveaway that she and Rick didn’t live there, which could lead to the discovery of bigger lies. And who knew what kind of sex toys Bob and Candy had lying around? “Luckily the Honeycutts were going to do a little sightseeing first. She’s not answering.”

“I guess it’s up to you and me, sweetheart.”

She flicked his temple with her index finger again. “Don’t call me sweetheart.”

“Ow!” Rick rubbed his head. “You called me every endearment known to man.”

Rick was still breathing heavily when the doorbell chimed. They’d completely removed every trace of Coral from the guest room she and Jade had been sharing and moved her into the small, crappy room. It was bright and sunny during the day with a pretty view of the mountains. Charming curtains were fashioned out of a checkered bed sheet, hung by clothespins from a line. Jade dubbed it whimsical, along with a few other creative touches.

He decided she should have her own decorating show on one of those do-it-yourself-on-a-dime networks.

On account of the frenzied move, they’d failed to finalize sleeping arrangements. He’d made a point of mentioning to his bride that being caught sleeping apart would not make a good impression. She’d made a point of rolling her eyes.

Rick stood in the foyer, took a deep breath, and shook out his nerves. He opened the door wide and thrust out his free hand. “Welcome. Great to finally meet you, Mr. Honeycutt. Mrs. Honeycutt. I’m Rick. Rick Jette, but you already know that.”

Shaking his hand, the average-looking, middle-aged man insisted Rick call him Dave and his wife Trudy. She struck Rick as your average elementary-school-teacher type. Dave reminded him of his high school history teacher. The combination made his stomach churn like a final exam during a bad hangover.

“Come on in.” Sweat trickled down his back, partly from moving furniture, mostly from stress. “Jade, honey.” He watched her skip down the stairs with Coral cradled in her arms. For some reason she restored a small measure of calm. He was not in this alone. “This is my wife, Jade. Here’s the little one. Coral.”

Jade extended her hand as best she could with her arms full of baby and smiled pleasantly. He hadn’t seen her do much of anything pleasantly, so Rick was pleasantly surprised, to say the least. She dressed conservatively in flat sandals, capri pants, and a stylish blouse that flattered her, but didn’t advertise Jade was a hot mama. For that moment in time, he had a feeling they might be able to pull off this marriage charade.

“Get you something to drink?” When the Honeycutts declined, she said, “Why don’t you help Dave with the luggage, sweetie?”

Rick glanced in both directions for this sweetie person she addressed. Process of elimination told him he was the sweetie. He pointed his you-are-so-brilliant-I-don’t-know-what-I’d-do-without-you finger at her. “Yes. Right.” His finger swung around to Dave. “Let’s get you settled.”

“This is really too kind of you,” Trudy said to Jade. “I could have called some hotels.” But then he and Dave were out the door and the exchange between the two women faded from his hearing.

He had a sense of impending doom, fearing Jade would say something sexually, morally, or God forbid, religiously inappropriate in his absence. A more likely scenario would be Rick, himself, letting something slip. A lie. An oath. The truth on the heels of a lie. So many possibilities loomed close to keep him on edge.

“Your wife is beautiful.” Dave hefted a bag out of the rental car. “I’ll bet Trudy’s drooling over that baby. She wants one of those something fierce.”

“They are life-changing.”
See, you can say stuff without tripping over your lies
. “Wives and babies. Life changing.”
Time to stop, Rick
. “Mortgages and car payments.”
Whoa, before you go too far
. “Do you have any idea how much those fake nails cost?”
Shut up!
“Don’t even get me started on diapers.”
What am I talking about?
He wasn’t even paying for a mortgage, car payment, or diapers. Yet. He’d been motoring around in Bob’s SUV, hiding his crappy car in the garage next to Jade’s flashy convertible.

Dave patted him on the shoulder. “Wait until you get the college tuition bill.”

He started hoping Coral would get a full academic scholarship under his tutelage, but suddenly remembered she wasn’t his kid. He doubted Jade would keep him around long enough to get to the bottom of the diaper box. “Thanks. I didn’t need to hear that.” They both chuckled.

“For a guy your age,” he looked up at the two-story house, “you seem like you’re doing okay.”

Luckily Dave didn’t know Rick’s brother, Bob, was the one doing okay for a guy
his
age. He doubted he’d approve of how his brother had come by his money or his wife. Or Rick’s wife, for that matter.

Rick relaxed a bit and they bantered on the way up to the guest room. Looking around, he decided it resembled a nice guest room. No evidence of Jade or a baby remained, only the faint scent of baby powder, which wasn’t altogether unpleasant. Dave appeared satisfied with the accommodations.

After stowing the luggage, they all settled in the living room with drinks Jade had apparently forced on them. Trudy cradled Coral like a treasured brick of gold, cooing and petting and bouncing her while Jade played bartender. She gingerly handed over a dirty martini to Rick.
I’d rather have a beer
. He took a sip and nearly choked. She winked at him.

Trudy ignored her drink. “She’s an angel.”

He waited for Jade to mention something unseemly, like Coral’s ability to out-belch Uncle Bob. Instead she tilted her head and said, “She’s a blessing.”

“Aren’t you going to have a drink?” Dave asked her.

“She’s breastfeeding.” Rick froze, and then slowly glanced around the room. “I’m sorry. That’s probably too much information.”

Dave waved his hand. “It’s perfectly natural. I should have realized.”

“That must be why you’re so robust and healthy,” Trudy said to Coral in baby talk, complete with tickling her belly.

Jade went rigid. “By robust, do you mean fat?” Her head whipped around to Rick. “Is Coral fat?”

He read the concern in her eyes. “Babies are supposed to be fat, Jade, honey. Robust is good.” He feared the kid would grow up with an eating disorder and she wasn’t even off the breast yet.

Trudy added, “She’s perfect.”

“I was wondering,” Dave began. “Trudy was, too. Why you told us your wife’s name is Sue and you have a one-year-old son named Timmy?”

“I…uh…that’s a good question,” Rick stammered. “With a perfectly logical explanation.”

Jade folded her arms across her chest, giving him a smoldering, angry look. “You didn’t?”

“I…well…yes…sort of.” And he’d known this would come back to bite him, which was why he should have had a good excuse ready. “But I can explain.”
If I had more time on my side and less alcohol in my system
.

“You see,” Jade said, “Rick has a small problem.” He braced himself for her to tell his potential investor that Rick was a pathological liar. Or worse yet, the true story of how they met and married. Might as well throw in the news that the baby wasn’t his. As a matter of fact, up until a few days ago he’d never set eyes on either one of them. “He’s a tad mistrustful of putting personal information online,” she said. “A bit of a conspiracy theorist, if you must know the truth. But aren’t all brilliant minds a little crazy?” She spun her finger near her ear—the international sign for nut-job. “Instead, Rick floods the Internet with misinformation about his home and family life. Keeps people guessing and protects our privacy.”

“I see,” Dave said. He didn’t. Not really, if the skeptical look in his eyes was any indication. Trudy had an equally dubious demeanor, but she’d probably let the lies slide due to how dang cute the baby was. Her husband wasn’t under the baby spell.

“He came by his paranoia honestly,” she continued and he wished she wouldn’t, although as far as lies went, him being an eccentric genius almost sounded plausible. “We had our identity stolen by a potential investor trying to scam us. Nasty business. A nightmare. I’d rather forget all about it. Nearly ended our marriage.”

Hopefully, that would be the end of it.

“Tsk, tsk, tsk.” Trudy shook her head. “What is this world coming to?”

When the Honeycutts weren’t looking, Jade plastered her thumb and index finger to her forehead in the shape of an L so Rick wouldn’t forget she thought he was a loser.
Like I could forget
. Her eyes betrayed her disdain for him.

Dave yawned. “Well, we are beat.”

“Long day,” Trudy agreed.

“Jet lag,” Dave added. “Tomorrow we’ll all get to know each other better.”

“Can’t wait,” Rick said.

“Tomorrow is going to be a great day.” Jade smiled, her words wrapped in a bubble of sincerity Rick truly wanted to believe.

Or maybe that was the alcohol talking.

Rick lay out on top of the bedspread in nothing but pajama bottoms and a pair of those black, round-framed glasses nerdy, smart guys wore. He looked altogether too cute. Bare-chested. Ankles crossed. Five o’clock shadow. He read one of Bob’s smut mags like the secret of the fucking universe was embedded in secret code and he had the ability to crack the cipher.

“It’s not even nine-thirty.” Jade massaged moisturizer into her elbows.

“Time is all relative.” He patted the mattress. “Come to bed.”