Funny Boy Versus the Bubble-Brained Barbers from the Big Bang (5 page)

The Bo, Barry, and Burly Show
wasn’t funny to
me.
I would have to figure out a way to stop those insane barbers before it was too late.

Unfortunately, I would have to do it in my spare time, because Bob Foster refused to believe the barbers were for real. I begged him to let me go to Washington and tell the President, but Bob Foster insisted I go to school.

When I walked into class that next morning, Mrs. Wonderland was yelling at Salvatore. I didn’t know what he did this time, but it must have been pretty bad.

“If you don’t behave,” she hollered, “you’re going straight to Principal Werner’s office!”

Salvatore slunk into his seat. As Mrs. Wonderland turned around to write on the chalkboard, I leaned over and asked Salvatore what was so terrible about the principal.

“Principal Werner used to be the captain of a ship in the Navy,” Salvatore whispered to me. “They kicked him out because he went berserk. So he became a school principal. When kids get sent to his office, he tortures them and kills them. Then he eats them.”

I looked at Salvatore to see if he was joking. He looked completely serious.

“How come Werner didn’t kill you and eat you?” I asked.

“He tried,” Salvatore replied. “But I’m bigger than he is. He only kills and eats little kids. Like you.”

I turned back to the front of the class. Mrs. Wonderland had drawn a big circle on the chalkboard. Then she put lines through it to cut the circle into halves, quarters, eighths, and so on.

“Class, we’re going to continue our work with fractions,” she announced. “Let’s say I have a pizza. The pizza is cut into eight slices. If I give you three of the slices and I keep the rest, what would I get?”

My hand shot up and she pointed to me.

“A stomachache,” I answered. Most of the class laughed, but not Mrs. Wonderland.

“Very funny, Funny Boy. Let me put this another way. If I give Salvatore four slices of the pizza and I give you four slices of the pizza, what fraction of the pizza do you get to eat?”

“None,” I replied.

“How do you figure that?”

“Because I don’t like pizza.”

Just about everybody laughed. Mrs. Wonderland gave me an angry look.

“Are you playing games with me, young man?”

“Can we play games?” I asked. “It would be much more fun than doing math.”

Mrs. Wonderland rubbed her forehead with her hand and mumbled something that sounded like “Why me? Why me?”

“Mrs. Wonderland,” I said, raising my hand. “May I ask a question relating to math?”

“I wish you would,” she said. “That would show you can be serious about something for a change.”

“How many idiots does it take to screw in a lightbulb?”

“I don’t know.”

“Ten,” I replied. “One to hold the bulb, and the other nine to rotate the ladder!”

“That’s it!” she shouted. “Go to Principal Werner’s office!”

“What did I do?” I asked innocently.

“Get out!”

She looked really mad, so I hustled out of my seat. Salvatore leaned over and whispered to me, “If Werner takes out a knife and fork, make a run for it.”

Principal Werner’s office is at the corner of the first floor of the school. As I walked down the hall, I chuckled to myself. Salvatore actually thought I was going to fall for that story about Werner torturing kids and eating them! What kind of a fool did he think I was?

When I walked in, Principal Werner was staring through binoculars out the big window facing the playground. Some kids were at recess, so I guess he was keeping an eye on things to make sure nobody misbehaved. He was wearing a hat.

I looked around the office. There were lighthouses all over the place. He had posters of lighthouses on the wall. There were lighthouse paperweights on his desk. Even his coat rack was a lighthouse with hooks.

Maybe he
was
the captain of a ship before he became a principal, I thought. The door closed behind me with a click.

“Ahoy there,” Principal Werner said. When he turned around, I could see that his hat was the kind ship captains wear.

“Uh, hello,” I replied, backing toward the door.

“Sit down,” Principal Werner urged me. He held out a bowl of nuts. “I’m hungry. How about you?”

“No th-thanks.”

“Son,” he said, tossing nuts in the air and catching them in his mouth. “I’ve been talking to Mrs. Wonderland about you. I understand that you are troubled. Let me be your beacon to help you steer around the choppy waters and rocky shores of life.”

“You mean sort of like a lighthouse?” I asked.

“No, what does a lighthouse have to do with you? Mrs. Wonderland tells me you are disrupting the class with your silly jokes. Clearly, this is an attention-­getting device.”

“I don’t want any attention,” I replied. “I just want to stop the aliens who are going to attack Earth!”

“Um-hmm,” he said, making a note on a piece of paper. “Aliens, eh? Young man, I’ve been a principal for many years, and I’ve heard it all before. I understand kids your age need to challenge authority. It’s part of growing up.”

“I don’t need to challenge authority.”

“Then why wear a cape to school?” he asked. “Why the fake nose and glasses?”

“If I didn’t wear the fake glasses, what would hold the fake nose on my face?”

“Um-hmm,” Principal Werner said. “Look, why don’t you get a tattoo or a nose ring like other kids? Don’t you see how silly you look? It’s normal to rebel against the world at your age. But you need to rebel in a more acceptable manner.”

“I don’t want to rebel against the world,” I protested. “I’ve got to
save
the world!”

“Mr. Werner,” a voice said over the intercom on the principal’s desk. “Can you come to the office for a minute?”

“Excuse me,” Principal Werner said. “I’ll be right back.”

1 took a deep breath. Principal Werner didn’t seem like he was going to torture me or anything. But I couldn’t be sure. Maybe he was going to get some silverware.

I had to get out of there. If Principal Werner went crazy and killed me, I wouldn’t be able to save the world from the alien barbers. I was going to have to take drastic measures.

There was a telephone on the principal’s desk. I picked it up and dialed 911.

“I’ve got to speak with the President of the United States right away!” I shouted as soon as somebody at the other end picked up. “It’s a matter of life and death!”

“Calm down,” a lady said. “Where are you right now?”

“I’m in the principal’s office!” I shouted. “He’s about to torture and kill and eat me. I’ve got to get out of here so I can stop those nutty barbers on TV! They’re going to take over! I’ve got to stop them!”

At that moment, Principal Werner walked back through the door. He was holding a knife and fork.

“Who said you could use my telephone?” he asked.

“I-I’ve got to go to Washington,” I said, backing around the other side of the desk. “This is a national emergency.”

“The emergency is right here,” Principal Werner said. He was reaching toward the microwave oven near the window.

I thought fast. This nut was going to kill me, microwave me, and eat me. I couldn’t get to the door to escape. There was only one way out. I would have to tell a joke and hope he would laugh enough to let me go. It was my only hope.

“Principal Werner, may I ask you a question?”

“Yes?”

“Do you know why bagpipers walk when they play?”

“I have no idea.”

“They’re trying to get away from the noise.”

Principal Werner stared at me over his glasses. He didn’t crack a smile.

“Young man, I want to see your father.”

“I’ve got a photo in my wallet,” I said, reaching for my pocket and pulling out a picture of Bob Foster. Principal Werner peered at it.

“This is your father?” he asked. It’s true that Bob and I don’t look alike.

“He’s my foster father. My real father is still on the planet Crouton.”

“On Crouton, eh? Your home planet?”

“That’s right,” I replied. “It’s about the size of Uranus.”

“That’s it!” he exploded. “I’ll have none of that talk! You bring your father in here first thing tomorrow morning or you’re in big trouble!”

I made a dive for the door and ran out of there as fast as I could.