Funny Boy Versus the Bubble-Brained Barbers from the Big Bang (9 page)

“Bad hair day for Earth!” proclaimed Bo Barber.

“Hahahahaha!” all three barbers chortled gleefully.

“Good plan, yes?” asked Burly Barber.

“That’s the stupidest harebrained plan I ever heard in my life,” I replied.

“Who ask you, big-nose boy?”

“You did,” I said. “Look, I’ll make a deal with you. Surrender now and we’ll change the name of the George Washington Bridge to the Bo, Barry, and Burly Bridge. How would you like that?”

“Me no want stinking bridge!” Bo Barber barked. “Me want hair!”

“Well, we’re not going to give it to you,” I said.

“How will you,” Barry Barber asked, “a mere boy, stop us from carrying out our plan? Do you have some superpower, or something?”

“It just so happens that I do,” I explained. “I have a superior sense of humor. It can reduce anyone, human or alien, into helpless chuckling. Giggles come next. Then guffaws and chortles set in. Finally, unless you surrender, you will die laughing. That is how I will defeat you.”

“Me no laugh,” Burly Barber insisted.

“Me no laugh, too,” agreed Bo Barber.

“Everyone laughs,” I said. “A smile is the universal language. And it’s impossible to do evil and laugh at the same time.”

“I defy you!” Barry challenged. “Try to make us laugh.”

“Okay,” I said. “How many ears did Davy Crockett have?”

“Me not know.”

“Three,” I said. “His left ear, his right ear, and his wild front ear.”

They stared at me.

“Get it?” Punch asked. Then she sang, “Davy Crockett, king of the wild frontier ...

“Me no get it.”

“These guys are really dumb,” Bob Foster whispered. “Try something simpler.”

“Okay,” I said. “Why don’t cannibals eat clowns?”

“Me not know,” Bo Barber said.

“They taste funny.”

Bo Barber and his brother barbers just stared. Bob Foster leaned over to me.

“Maybe they can’t relate to these jokes. Have you got anything about hair?”

“Good idea,” I said. “What kind of hair do oceans have?”

“Me not know.”

“Wavy hair,” I replied. “Get it?”

Nothing. Not even a smile. These barbers were
tough
!

“You not funny,” Burly Barber said, taking a step toward me.

“Him be funnier bald,” Burly Barber said, reaching behind his back for something.

“It’s the hair gun!” Punch shouted.

“Let’s get out of here!” Bob Foster exclaimed.

He didn’t have to tell me twice. I wasn’t about to stick around and let some nutty barber point that thing at me. I ran for the door. Bob Foster was right in front of me, and Punch was at my heels.

“Run for it!” I yelled as we dove out the door.

“We’ll get you, Funny Boy,” yelled Barry, “and your little dog, too!”

We made a dash for it and we didn’t stop running until we were safely out of there. I reached up and ran my hand across my head. My hair was still there.

“Where’s Punch?” I asked Bob Foster.

“I thought she was with you.”

Suddenly, Punch came scampering over. She looked okay, but as she got closer I could see that ...
she had no hair
!

I don’t know if you’ve ever seen a cocker spaniel that has been totally shaved, but it’s not a pretty sight. It’s amazing how much of a dog is just hair. Without her fur coat, Punch looked like a starved rat.

“Punch!” I shouted. “Are you okay?”

“Do I
look
okay?” Punch said sarcastically. “Look at me” I might as well be a Mexican hairless! I can’t walk down the street like this! I’ll be the laughingstock of the whole animal kingdom.”

After a while, Bob Foster and I were able to calm Punch down. The limousine took us back to the airport. A plane was waiting to take us home.

I was glad we were safe, but I felt terrible at the same time. Our mission had been a failure. I hadn’t stopped the barbers. I had let down my President. I had let down my adopted world.

“Why did you run away?” Punch asked me once our plane was in the air. Bob Foster was sitting a few rows away.

“I couldn’t defeat them,” I explained sadly. “It was hopeless. I told them joke after joke and they didn’t crack a smile.”

“You can’t give up,” Punch said. “You’re Funny Boy! You’re the funniest kid on the planet. Never forget that.”

“They’re too tough,” I moaned. “Those guys wouldn’t laugh if their lives depended on it.”

Unfortunately, it was
our
lives that depended on it. I spent the rest of the flight staring out the window. I was a failure. For once, I didn’t feel funny at all.

PATHETIC EARTHLINGS ALLOW THE BARBERS TO EXECUTE THEIR DIABOLICAL PLAN WITHOUT PUTTING UP A FIGHT

Every night that week, we gathered in the living room so I could watch whatever was on the Weather Channel. Usually, it was the weather.

“Why is there a channel for weather?” I asked Bob Foster. “Can’t people just look outside and see what the weather is?”

“The Weather Channel is supposed to cure you of funnyitis,” Bob Foster said. “It’s working, too. I’ve noticed you don’t crack nearly as many jokes as you used to.”

He was right about that. Ever since my miserable confrontation with the nutty barbers, nothing seemed very funny to me. But the Weather Channel had nothing to do with it. I was just depressed.

When two hours were up, Bob Foster would tune in
The Bo, Barry, and Burly Show.
He said it was okay for me to laugh, but I never did.

By now, the three barbers were a worldwide sensation. They were on the cover of every magazine. There were rumors about a Bo, Barry, and Burly movie in the works, a Bo, Barry, and Burly book, a Bo, Barry, and Burly cartoon series.

Every night, we would watch as Bo, Barry, and Burly removed the hair of another nation. Spain. Egypt. Germany. China. The barbers were moving across the globe. One by one, people all over the world were going bald.

And here in America, everybody still thought it was a big joke. Articles like this one were in the paper every day. ...

CHINA JUMPS ON BALD FAD!

The entire nation of China went bald today, demonstrating the incredible popularity “The Bo, Barry, and Burly Show” has in Asia. People all over the world love these wacky barbers so much they are shaving their heads so they will resemble their heroes. Being bald is the hottest trend.

“It is the coolest look,” said Zang Chen of Shanghai. “And I save a lot of money on shampoo!”

One billion Chinese can’t be wrong, can they?

Little by little, the barbers were removing the hair of the human race. And nobody seemed to care. I couldn’t do anything about it. I felt so helpless. My sense of humor was slipping away.

In school, Mrs. Wonderland couldn’t have been happier at the change that had come over me.

“I’m just amazed at the improvement in your behavior!” she gushed one morning before school started. “No more silly jokes while I’m trying to teach the class. No more pranks, remarks, or dumb riddles. It’s like you’re an entirely different child! I can see that Dr. Breznitski’s therapy is working. I just might have the whole class watch the Weather Channel!”

I lumbered to my desk and sat down heavily. Maybe the world was going to be destroyed, but as long as I was serious and not making jokes in class, Mrs. Wonderland was thrilled.

“Hey, doofus!” Salvatore whispered to me. “Whatsa matter with you? You ain’t told none of your feeble jokes in a long time.”

“I just don’t feel like it,” I answered weakly.

I felt even worse the next day. The kids had talked Mrs. Wonderland into having a Bo, Barry, and Burly Day at school. I walked in that morning and everyone in the class was wearing baldy wigs.

Not only that, but they brought in all kinds of Bo, Barry, and Burly stuff for show and share. Bo, Barry, and Burly backpacks and T-shirts. Bo, Barry, and Burly trading cards and magazines. Bo, Barry, and Burly bobble heads. It was revolting.

Even Salvatore got into it. He brought in his talking Bo, Barry, and Burly action figures. When you squeeze their hands, they say catchphrases like “Give me your hair, or die!” and “Soon the entire Earth will be bald, bald, bald!”

All the kids were laughing, high-fiving each other, and having a great time. They were clueless. I couldn’t believe the people of Earth were just letting these insane barbers take over without a fight.

An announcement came over the loudspeaker that we should all rise and recite the pledge of allegiance.

“I pledge allegiance to the flag of the United States of America
...

I had to do something, I thought to myself. I was Funny Boy, wasn’t I?

“And to the Republic for which it stands
...

It was my duty to protect Earth, wasn’t it? If I didn’t act, nobody else would.

“One nation under God, indivisible, with liberty and justice for all.”

I bolted out of the classroom.