Future Queens of England (10 page)

Bruce sat upright immediately on hearing this.

“Speech and speaking is very important, it’s a vital tool and you will need to master this.”  Ben let a few moments pass in silence to let this message sink in.  “We need to soften those regional accents.  Deal with intonation.  We need to erase words from your vocabulary.”

Hugh put his hand up, “Could you give us an example Sir?”

Ben raised his eyebrows, “Sir?”  he chuckled, “please just call me Ben,” he smiled at Hugh warmly.  “But good point.  If anyone does have any questions then feel free to raise your hands.  To answer this fellow’s question we need to help you erase words like ‘bloke’, ‘veg’, and ‘bog’ and other such heterosexually-coined vernacular completely from your vocabulary.”

Hugh nodded that he understood.

Satisfied, Ben continued, “As well as erasing words we’ll also be adding new words.  You’ll need to learn the latest phrases, the newest lingo and even Polari.”  He stopped pacing and raised both hands in the air, “Before anyone says anything I know that Polari is so old school…but it’s still a necessary part of the curriculum and will come in very handy.  You’ll be learning a little of Polari’s successor, ‘Ringlish’, too.” 

Uwe raised his hand and asked, “What’s Ringlish Ben?”

“Ringlish,” Ben answered, “is a little bit of elitism, if I may be so bold as to call it that.”  He placed the tips of his fingers and thumbs together at chest height in an academic manner.  “It’s a cant slang devised here at this very school.  It allows current students and alumni to identify themselves to one another when they are out in the big bad world.”

Bruce interrupted: “Can you give us an example?”

“Sure,” said Ben affably.  “Hmmm …” he sang as he thought for a moment, “okay, here’s a good example.  When you are out and about, you might choose to ask someone that you find attractive, ‘Are you the key-master?’”

The class listened attentively, hungry for more information.

Ben smiled, “And if they are interested they would reply, ‘Are you the gatekeeper?’”

Tony looked puzzled at this, but intrigued he shouted out, “What does that even mean?  I don’t get it.  What’s the significance of the key-master?”

The group laughed at Tony’s naivety.

Ben frowned at the class, “No, don’t laugh.  If one person has a question then it probably means that more of you have a similar question.  So let’s keep this friendly.”  He addressed Tony, “Thank you for your question.  Now to answer it, you need to ask yourself what you would do with a key?”  Ben gestured at Tony to answer.

“Stick it in a keyhole,” Tony responded.

“Exactly!  It is a way of clearly establishing one’s preferences.”

Tony, still confused, thought this over for a moment and suddenly it dawned on him.  “Urggh,” he muttered and shook himself.

Independently Ben continued with his explanation, “Some other examples of Ringlish would be words like ‘Hetties’, for heterosexuals, ‘Mos’ for homosexuals and ‘Poppas’ for lesbians.  Are there any more questions or do you feel that was a good enough explanation?”  Ben surveyed the class for the briefest of moments before whipping out his laser pointer and continuing with the rest of his lecture.

“Next!” he boomed, “is grooming.”  He aimed his laser pointer at the crowd moving it from person to person, and exclaimed, “No part of your anatomy will be left unchecked.”  The sharp red laser light leapt accusingly from person to person onto the body part that Ben described.  “We will look at the hair on your head, the hair on your face, the hair on your body …”  He slowed as he made the last statement and the laser pointer stopped on Tony’s groin area as he sat awkwardly on his cushion with his legs wide open, “And yes, we will even be discussing your nether regions.” 

Tony closed his legs immediately and Ben switched off his pointer. 

“We’ll tell you what to pluck, wax and shave,” he informed them, “hairy backs and shoulders have only ever looked good on apes.” 

The crowd all laughed except for Tony, who self-consciously hunched his shoulders.

Ben carried on without his excitement faltering even once, “We’re talking manicures, pedicures and fake bake.  Nutrition is also key, as is fitness.  It’s no good having a great picture if the canvas isn’t fit to display it.” 

Several of the class nodded sagaciously in agreement. 

Keenan nudged Tony, “That’ll be one you’ll be wanting to listen to eh?”

“You’ll learn what to eat and drink and how to firm up those unsightly bulges,” Ben took a deep breath.  “Okay, almost there.”  He pointed to the next item on the projector screen, “Dance!”  He did a little shimmy as the words left his lips.  “I can’t stress enough how important dancing really is.  When you’re on that dance floor you’ve got nowhere to hide.”  He spoke with intensity as he delivered his homily, “If you don’t have the moves then you’re leaving yourself wide open for failure.  No amount of foundation, fashion or fanfaronade will save you.  Mess it up here and everything else is simply wasted.”

A number of scared faces returned his gaze.

“I will show you how to dance and I am talking killer moves, but you’ve each got to walk your own path too.  Understood?” he bellowed evangelically.

“Understood,” repeated the class as one.

Ben relaxed, “Perfect!  Then on we go to another subject that I will be teaching you.”  He slapped the projector screen with the palm of his left hand.  “Fag Haggery,” he announced with panache.  “For what is a fag without a hag?” he asked rhetorically and held his palms upwards and shrugged.  “Simply nothing.”  Ben took a single step towards the class, “What was Batman without Robin?  What was Dorothy without Toto?  What was Lennon without McCartney?  And what was Tripitaka without Monkey?”  He watched the class as they silently considered this and then he continued.  “Fag hags are an essential accessory and I’ll teach you how to select one that is right for you.  Anyway, you’ll learn more in due course.”  Then changing the subject he said, “I would also like to inform you of a number of optional courses that you can sign up to in your free periods and in the evenings should you choose to.” 

A member of the class raised his hand, “Ben, can you tell us what’s available please?”

“Sure, one moment and I’ll get the details on it.  It changes from year to year,” Ben explained.  “Let me just check the list they gave me a couple of days ago.”  He walked over to his desk, took out his key and pushed it into the keyhole in the drawer.  The key would not turn.  He frowned briefly and spoke, “That’s odd, the lock is broken.”  He tried the drawer by pulling it and it gracefully slid open to reveal a small pile of papers.  “Hmmm, my notes are still here, that is very strange.  There’s nothing worth stealing in here.”  He lifted the papers out of the drawer and as he placed them on the desk he noticed a strange picture drawn on the base of the drawer.  “Oh,” he exclaimed, “what on earth is that?”

Intrigued one of the class asked, “What are you looking at?”

“Oh sorry, let me show you,” Ben pulled the drawer out of the desk completely and held it up to the class.

Hugh gasped as his eyes focused on the base of the drawer, “The Phantom!” he exclaimed.

“You know what this is?” Ben said with astonishment.

“Sort of.  We found one in our dormitory,” Hugh elucidated.  “None of us know where it came from, but we christened it ‘The Phantom’.” 

“Don’t call it a dormitory,” Ben commented irritably, “they are boudoirs.  Dormitory sounds so cold!  Anyway, I’ve digressed.  Where was it drawn in your case?   On the inside of your drawer as well?”

“No, it was on a sheet in one of our beds,” said Hugh.

“Can I see the sheet?” asked Ben.

“I would advise against it,” explained Hugh.  “It’s not really in a very hygienic state anymore.”

Tony punched Hugh in the arm, “Why don’t you tell the whole bloody world?”

“Why don’t you simply wash more often?” asked Uwe.

“Why don’t you keep your bloody nose out?”

“Come on,” Ben interrupted, “stay focused.”

Hugh, Uwe and Tony turned their attention back to the front of the class.

“Sorry Ben,” apologised Hugh. 

“So I can’t see the sheet?” asked Ben.

“No,” said Tony tersely.

“But both the sheet and my drawer have the same graffiti on them?” Ben attempted to ascertain.

“Yes,” Hugh confirmed.

“Hmmm, okay.  Well I guess we’ll just leave it there then.”  Ben walked back to his desk and slid the drawer back onto its runners.  “Where was I?” he muttered to himself.  “Ah yes,” he said remembering, “I was finding the list of the optional courses for you.”  He leafed quickly through the papers on his desk until he found the relevant piece.  “Okay, just to name a few we have ‘Innuendo for overseas students’, ‘Gay history’, ‘Drama queens’, ‘Safe sex’,  ‘Book Club’ and ‘Sport’.” 

Whilst the class talked excitedly amongst themselves about the courses Ben placed the paper back onto the pile and then returned the papers back to his drawer then closed it.  He then addressed the class again, “I can heartily recommend the sports class.  Every year our school puts together a new hockey team which competes against other teams in a league.”  He rubbed his hands together, “The try-outs are later this week, so once you’ve settled in I’d like to see some of your faces there.  The details are all on the board in the main reception.”

The noise level rose quickly in the classroom as the students discussed the try-outs.

Ben clapped his hands together twice, “Settle down, settle down.  You have plenty of time to discuss that later in your own time.”

The classroom fell into silence again.

“So let’s move now to the appraisals,” Ben said.

As this was announced backs straightened, smiles widened and stomachs flattened.  Ben switched off the projector, retracted the screen, pulled back the curtains and returned the lights to their normal level accompanied by a low excited whispering from the class. 

“So the point of your personal appraisal is to identify your weak points and highlight your strong points so we can polish them,” explained Ben.

Bruce leant over to Hugh and softly but suggestively commented, “He can polish my strong point any time he likes.”

The two of them gently tittered at this.

“The reason we do one at the start of the course is so we can gauge your progress over the coming months and we can work together to improve all of your areas.  Some it will be hard and some of it will be easy,” Ben explained.

Bruce whispered to Hugh again, “Well I’m hard if he’s easy.”

“Do I really have to put up with this shit from you Bruce?” Tony muttered quietly.

Unaware or undeterred Ben carried on, “For some of you it will come naturally and others will have to sweat to make it happen.”

Bruce’s lips began to move, Tony, predicting what was coming next, glared ferociously at him but that impish smile flickered across Bruce’s face once more and he spoke again, unable to help himself.  “I love it when I cum naturally, but I…”

But that was as far as he got before Tony cut him off.  “Shut the hell up you queer bastard!  You’re making my stomach turn!”

“Hey, hey!  What’s going on here?” Ben cried out at this interruption. 

Tony quietened down and folded his arms angrily.

Ben pointed at Tony, “Right, I think we have our first volunteer,” and he gestured for him to stand up and come forward.  “Come on everyone, give him some encouragement.”

The class clapped half heartedly as Tony reluctantly rose from his cushion.  He stood upright and took a couple of steps forward towards the front of the class.  Some of the tassels from his cushion became entangled with his ankles and he dragged the cushion behind him momentarily before losing his balance and stumbling.  Tony caught his balance and irritably kicked the cushion back causing the tassels to snap.  The sound of metal tassels and beads bouncing could barely be heard over the groups’ giggling at Tony’s expense.  Tony shot a look of rage at the class and the room instantly fell into silence.

For a moment Ben was lost for words.  “Well, young man …” he paused for a second or two as he decided on how to converse with Tony.  “Remember what we said about first impressions?”

“Yeah, I remember,” growled Tony.

“Now my first impression of you…” he tapped his index finger against his lips as he mulled this over, “… not so good, I’m afraid.  Here’s a little tip.  Before getting up always check that you are not attached to the furnishings.”