Future Queens of England (38 page)

“Yeah, like naff off and zhoosh it up,” he said confidently.

Ben spun on his heels dramatically, “then you already speak Polari.  Well done!” 

The class spontaneously applauded Tony and he grinned broadly. 

“Who knows what naff stands for though?” Ben asked, sweeping his arm in front of the students.

Hugh’s hand shot up into the air, “Me, me.  Ask me.”

Ben nodded, “Hugh, please enlighten us.”

“Naff is an acronym.  It means Not Available For Fucking,” he beamed proudly, as he waited for his round of applause.

Ben shook his head, “Aha, you fell into my trap.”

Hugh’s face fell, and he looked despondent.

“Don’t worry, Hugh, someone makes that mistake every year.  That’s actually a backcronym; that meaning was applied to the already existing word.  But, that is so commonly believed now that perhaps it’s the real meaning after all.  Language is changing constantly,” he added trying to bring a
smile back to Hugh’s face.  “Let me give you an example now,
Omies and palones of the
 
jury, vada well at the eek of the poor ome who stands before you, his lallies trembling.  Can anyone translate that?” 
He waited keenly, but received no response.  “Okay, let me do so for you.  I said, men and women of the jury, look well at the face of the poor man who stands before you, his legs trembling.”

The class let out a series of oohs and aahs.

“By the end of term, you should all be able to speak and understand Polari, so, let’s get started with some easy ones.  I want you to use this daily when conversing with each other, okay?”

“So, Tony, using your crib sheet I want you to ask me to join you at the pub for a beer,” he said and waited in anticipation.

Tony looked at his sheet for a moment and thought about this, slowly he began to speak.  “Would you like to come to the
bungery
for a
buvare
with me?” he said with poor pronunciation.

“Perfect!” Ben squealed, “well, nearly perfect at least.  Or should I say,
bonaroo
!”  He pointed quickly to Gareth.  “Translate.”

Gareth’s eyes quickly scanned the sheet until he found the word ‘bonaroo’
,
“Wonderful?” he said unsurely.

“My
Aunt
Nells
heard you clearly and you are right. 
F
antabulosa
, Gareth!” Ben declared.  “Right, one or two more and then you can practise amongst yourselves.  Okay, Keenan, say,
look at the bulge in that
Policeman
’s trousers, do you think it’s
really
his truncheon?
”

Keenan paused for a moment and then made his attempt
. 
“
Look at the bonaroo basket in that
charpering
omi
’s cats, do you think it’s
really
his truncheon
?
”

  “Spot on!  Now, Bruce, compliment me on my dancing.”  He shimmied on the spot as he waited.

Bruce slid his finger across the sheet to find the word that he was looking for, “Ben, you are quite the hoofer,” he said gleefully.

“The homy polone has got it in one,” he grinned.  “Well done!  Right, we’ve got twenty minutes left, so pair up and start practising.”

When the class was over, the class filed out.  Tony noticed Louise waiting in the corridor.  She pretended to study the notice board as the students filed by.

“Look Tony, it’s your girlfriend,” Keenan chirped as he pointed at Louise.

She shot him a look and then surreptitiously beckoned Tony over.

“I’ll catch you later guys, I need to talk to this palone with the lovely willets,” Tony said with a wink.

They all looked confused and reviewed their crib sheets as Tony walked over to her.

“Hi Tony.  We have found another couple of Phantoms,” Louise said in her most matter-of-fact voice.

“Really?  Where are these ones?” he asked, trying to be equally as nonchalant.

“They’ve been drawn on the basketball backboards in the sports hall,” she said as she maintained eye contact for a little too long and a little too intensely.

“Well, how did they get up there?  They would have needed a ladder, wouldn’t they?”

She nodded, “would you be free later today to help me investigate?”

Tony nodded eagerly, “It’s a date.”

She was about to correct him, but decided that she quite liked the sound of it and left it at that.  She hugged at her handbag as she walked away from Tony.  The clicking of her heels echoed in the now empty corridor.

Tony realised that amid the sexual chemistry, they hadn’t arranged a time or a place to meet.  Should he shout after her to arrange something?  No, that would look desperate, so he simply shrugged.  I’ll find her, he thought, as the last of the clicks faded away.

After another
long,
punishing workout in the school gym,
Tony bounded up the stairs towards their dormitory and was confronted by a large group of students outside his room.  He pushed his way past them trying to get to the door; he elbowed them out of the way as he fought his way through.  The bustling crowd thinned out as he approached the door, he climbed out of the crowd and reached for the door handle. 

“You can’t go in there,” a stern voice said.

Without looking up, he responded in his usual brusk manner.  “This is my room.”

The man leant over and spoke carefully, “If this is your room, then we’ll need to speak to you.”

Tony looked up and realised suddenly that this was a policeman.  “You’re a copper,” he said in disbelief.  “I haven’t breached my terms, I’ve stuck to the rules.  What do you want?”  Tony’s pupils dilated as he began to panic, “you can’t do this.  I’m not leaving this place.  I can’t leave, not yet.”

“Calm down, Sir,” the Policeman said.  “There’s been an incident.”

“Incident?  What incident?  I haven’t done nothing,” Tony protested wildly.  “Hey, fuck you copper!” Tony said and pushed the policeman back against the door.  The students at the front of the crowd took a few steps back cautiously.  “I ain’t done nothing,” Tony repeated and started to push his way back out of the crowd.

“Tony!” a voice shouted, “Tony!  Calm down.”

In a blind panic, Tony barged the students out of his way, a number of them fell like dominoes into each other.  Above the fallen students Tony saw Gareth.

“Tony.  They’ve not come for you.”

Tony stepped on the students as he tried to make his escape.  The policeman watched on with confusion.

“It’s not you that they are here for, it’s Marc,” Gareth shouted to him.  “Something has happened to Marc.”

“What?  Is he back then?” Tony said, as he tried to process what Gareth was telling him.

Gareth took Tony’s arm and pulled him off of the student that he was standing on.  “Something terrible has happened to Marc.  You have to come with me, they’re waiting for you in the Head’s office.  You’re not in trouble.”  He led a bewildered Tony away from the crowd as they started to get to their feet.  Tony cast a look back at them and looked at the policeman, his heart was beating wildly.

“Ah, come in, Tony.  Thanks for finding him, Gareth,” the Head said.  “Please take a seat.”  He pointed them to the empty chairs.  Hugh, Uwe and the others were already waiting there looking very pale and serious.

Tony eyed the policemen suspiciously, “What’s going on?”

The Head pointed to the remaining seats again, “The police need to take some statements and check your room over, so in a minute you will be interviewed separately in the adjoining office.  After you’ve given your statements I’d like you to head down to the staff room and we’ll get chef to make you something to eat.”

“Why can’t we go back to our room?” Tony asked irritably.

“It’s going to be a late night for you all tonight, but you can go back in there later.  Now sit down,” the Head said more forcibly.

“Just sit down,” Gareth said.

Suspiciously Tony acquiesced and slowly took his seat.

The Head took his position and addressed the assembled group.  “Earlier today Giles discovered Marc in your sleeping quarters.”

“What do you mean discovered?” Tony interrupted.

“Shhh, Tony,” Keenan said.

“Giles discovered his body,”

“Marc’s dead?” Tony said is disbelief.  “What?  You’re talking bollocks.  He went away a few days ago, I haven’t seen him since.”

The Head spoke reverently, “Apparently he returned earlier today.  It seems he drank an awful lot of alcohol.”

Tony thought about this for a moment.  “He’s a boozer.  He can take it.”

“Please be quiet and let him speak,” Keenan whispered softly.

“I cannot say too much at the moment for obvious reasons, but it seems that Marc left a note,” the Head explained.

“Oh!” Tony said finally accepting the news.

“Look, let’s all try and support each other at this difficult time.  Officer, please start taking the statements and gathering the information that you need.  Please deal with this sensitively.  My students are very dear to me, so please handle this with care.”  He reached over and took a sip from his mug of cold coffee.  He winced as he swallowed the liquid.

The suited policeman nodded.  “I can assure you that we’ll gather what we need to know and leave you to grieve as soon as possible.”  He picked up his notebook and flipped it open.  Without looking up from it he spoke, “So, I need to speak to Giles first.  Which one of you is Giles?”

Giles rose to his feet slowly, “That's me,” he said and walked towards the policeman. 

“The rest of you should wait here until you're called.”  He turned to Giles, “We'll just go next door to discuss this in more privacy.  I'm Detective Inspector Thompson, by the way, and this is Detective Sergeant Dormer.”  The three of them left the room together leaving another plain clothes officer with them.

They all sat in silence in the room, no one knowing what to say.  The clock noisily ticked away the seconds.  Tony rocked back and forth on rear legs of his chair and Keenan bit at his nails.  As the evening went on the Detectives returned and called for them individually.  Finally, the last of the group left the room and gave his statement.

“Please leave the sandwiches on the table Chef, and could you also bring the boys some fruit,” the Head fussed.  “I know you will want to return to some form of normality as quickly as possible, but as I said earlier I’d like you to all stay in the staff room until the
charpering omis
have finished their duties.  It’ll be better to keep you away from all the hubbub.  You’ve gone through enough today and you don’t need the other students bothering you tonight.  At least you’ll have some privacy here.” 

The Chef returned with a bowl of fruit and some muffins, he laid them on the table and disappeared quietly from the room.

“Right, now I must leave you for a while boys.  I need to speak with the police to contact Marc’s parents.”  He shuffled out of the room and left them alone.  The door closed by itself slowly and then thumped as the catch fell into place startling them.

Tony was the first to speak.  “I’m sure this won’t take too much longer and then we can head back up to the room and get some kip.”

Hugh looked at Tony, “How am I supposed to sleep in there tonight or any night, knowing what has happened?”