Garden of Shadows (11 page)

"To be honest, my dear, I'm quite surprised you decided on having children, considering Garland's age."
"Oh, Garland would have it no other way. He said, 'Alicia, when I'm with you, I'm only in my thirties.' And he looks like a man in his thirties, doesn't he? Doesn't he?" she demanded when I hesitated.
"Yes, he looks younger than he is, but . .
"That's all that matters . . . what we think," she said. She was positively mesmerized by her romance. Reality, hard, cold facts would never be permitted to destroy her rose-colored world. She lived in the world of my glass-encased dollhouse. Of course, I pitied her for that, realizing reality would have its way eventually; but I also envied her for her happiness.
"Let me go with you. I'd love to watch you with your children. They're adorable. And I'm sure I could probably learn things from what you do," she added.
"I'm hardly an expert at rearing children," I said, but I saw how disappointed she would be if I turned her down, so I let her accompany me.
The children did like her, especially Joel. She brought a smile to his face and he enjoyed being held by her. In a way she got down to their level far better than I ever could. Before long she was playing with Mal's toys with him and Joel was quietly watching the two of them.
"Feel free to do anything you want," she said. "I don't mind staying with them."
"You've got to be more careful at your stage of pregnancy," I told her, and then I thought, wouldn't Malcolm love to see her have a miscarriage.
The thought lingered in my mind, clinging to my thoughts like a burr caught on my skirt. I couldn't shake it off, and the more I envisioned her having a miscarriage, the happier it made me feel.
I couldn't help being afraid of the child she would have, but not for the same reasons as Malcolm. I didn't have his greed about money, knowing we had and would always have more than we would ever need. I feared that her child would be far more beautiful than my children. After all, Garland was the father and he was just as handsome, if not more so, than Malcolm; and she was so much more beautiful than I could ever hope to be.
So I fantasized her starting down the spiral staircase, tripping and falling down the steps, the accident resulting in an immediate miscarriage. She was too trusting to see these images in my face whenever I looked at her.
All day long, whenever she saw me, she was filled with questions--questions about Foxworth Hall, questions about the children, questions about the servants, and questions about Malcolm.
"What is he really like?" she wanted to know. "Garland can exaggerate so."
"It's better that you find out for yourself," I replied. "Never ask a wife what her husband is like-- you won't get an honest answer."
"Oh. How right you are," she said. It seemed I could do nothing to upset her. "You are wise, Olivia. I'm so lucky to have you here."
I stared at her. She meant it, the foolish girl. Was there no suspicion in her? Was she satisfied being treated like another child in this house?
I expected, as time wore on, that she and Garland would cool down, that some of the gloom of Foxworth Hall would get to her, that as her pregnancy moved into the ninth month, she would be burdened and irritable. But none of that happened. Our meals were just as boisterous as that first day Garland and Alicia arrived.
Every evening Alicia insisted that Garland tell her about his business day in detail.
"You must never thinkI'd be bored by it," she said, "because it's
your
work and whatever involves you, involves me."
Such gibberish, I thought. She will never understand the details of business.
"Well, today I went over Malcolm's investment in two hotels in Chicago. He has an idea about catering to businessmen, making the rates more attractive for them."
"What do you call it, Malcolm?"
"Call it?"
"The special rates?"
"Business rates," he said dryly.
"Why, of course. How silly of me to ask. It's such a delightful idea," she said. Delightful? I thought. I waited for Malcolm to explode, but his tolerance grew every day.
A number of times I was tempted to tell him about my fantasizing Alicia's miscarriage. I wanted to see how he would greet such a possibility, but the closest I came to saying it was when I told him I thought she was far too active and wild for a woman in her ninth month.
"She's running up and down the stairs, holding her stomach as though she had a balloon under her dress. Sometimes she's outside with Olsen talking to him about flowers, and occasionally I see her digging alongside him. I saw her lift a large potted plant yesterday. I wanted to warn her, but I didn't. She insists on carrying Joel up to the nursery, and if I merely mention something, she's up after it, no matter how heavy or bulky it might be."
"It's none of your affair," he told me, and walked away before I could discuss it any further. Perhaps he was unable to see the possibility or perhaps he had been so charmed by her innocent beauty, he was blind to his own interests.
One day, two weeks into her ninth month, Alicia asked me about the attic.
"It's rather an interesting place," I said. I began to describe it and then stopped. "But really, it's something you'll have to see for yourself," I said. I thought about her walking up those shaky little steps and wandering through the huge attic, things strewn about, presenting the possibility of her tripping and falling.
"I was tempted to go through those double doors and go up the stairs."
"Oh, there's another way up," I said. "A secret way."
"Really?" She was intrigued. "Where?"
"It's through a doorway in a closet in the room at the end of the north wing."
"My goodness, a doorway in a closet. Do you want to go up with me?"
"I've been there," I said. "I'll show you the way and you can amuse yourself going through the old things."
"Oh, I'd love it," she said, so I led her down the north wing to the end room. She was fascinated by the room. "It's like a hideaway," she said.
"Yes."
"This ,house is so exciting, so mysterious. I must ask Garland about this room."
"Do that," I said. "And tell me what he says," I added.
I showed her the closet doorway.
"Now you must be careful," I said when she looked back at me. "There's a cord just above the first step. Pull it and it will light the stairway."
She did, but it didn't turn on the bulb. I had unscrewed it earlier.
"Must be blown," I said. "Forget about it." "No, that's all right. I can see fine."
"Remember," I said. "I told you not to go." "Don't be an old fuddy-duddy, Olivia. It's nothing." "Go on, then," I said. "I'll be down in the front salon, reading."
She started up and I closed the door behind her. I heard her gasp and then laugh. My heart was pounding in my chest. The dark, the darkness, those creaky steps and floorboards--all presented a terrible danger to a woman close to her delivery date. What a trusting young fool she was, I thought, and turned away. If anything happened to her, I would be too far away to be of any help. I had warned her. No one could blame me.
I rushed out of the room and down the north wing. I settled myself in the salon and began reading, just as I told her I would. It was difficult for me to concentrate on anything. Every once in a while I looked up at the ceiling and imagined her tripping and falling, perhaps banging her head against one of those trunks or armoires, and lying there in the throes of a miscarriage.
Afterward, when I told Malcolm how it had happened, he would thank me. Not in so many words, perhaps; but the thanks would be there. And maybe she wouldn't go flitting through this house bringing smiles to everyone's face. Maybe the miscarriage would affect her beauty, and darkness would cloak her eyes. Despair would wash the radiant colors from her face forever. Her voice would change and deepen, losing its melodious tones. Malcolm would no longer be enchanted by her chatter and wheedling charms. When we all sat around the dinner table and she spoke, it would be as if we had no ears to hear.
I didn't realize how much time had passed, but when Garland and Malcolm arrived home, she was still not down. Of course, Garland inquired about her.
"Oh, dear," I said. "I've been sitting here entranced with this book. She went up to the attic a while ago."
"The attic? Whatever for?"
"To explore. She was bored."
"The attic?" Garland repeated. His face turned dark. "She shouldn't be up there."
"I told her that, but she positively insisted. She called me an old fuddy-duddy for warning her against it and went up anyway."
He rushed out and up the winding staircase. Malcolm stood in the doorway watching him and then turned to me. Never did I see such a cold look in his eyes. It was an odd look, a mixture of fear and anger, I thought. It was as if he had just discovered something about me that he had never before realized.
"Perhaps you should go along with him and see if anything happened," I said. Suddenly a wry smile came to his face and he turned and left me.
Not long afterward I heard Garland's voice and I went out to the foyer.
"Is everything all right?" I asked. He was hurrying on toward the south wing.
"What? Oh, yes. Can you imagine? I found her standing before the dusty mirror, trying on Corinne's old dresses. I must say, she did them justice."
Malcolm appeared behind me as though he had been waiting in the wings. I could see that he was boiling with rage, and yet . . . yet . . . I saw that faraway look in his eye, a look, that if I didn't know better, I would have called love.
Two weeks later, almost to the day, Alicia gave birth. Dr. Braxten was there to deliver the child. Malcolm and I waited in the foyer. Garland came to the rotunda and shouted down to us.
"It's a boy! A boy! And Alicia is just fine! Why, she's ready to go dancing."
"That's wonderful," I said. He clasped his hands together and raised them in the air before returning to their suite. Malcolm said nothing, but when I turned to him, I saw the rage in his face.
"I was praying if a child had to be born, it would be a girl," he said.
"What difference does it make now? Come, let's see the child."
He hesitated, so I started up without him. The new baby, when I first saw him cradled in his mother's arms, did take my breath away. He had my sons' blond hair and blue eyes, but this infant radiated a quiet and a beautiful peace such as I had never seen in a child. He looked directly at everyone with clear, understanding eyes--and I knew newborns just didn't do that.
"Isn't he beautiful?" whispered Alicia, snuggling him protectively closer against her side. "I'm going to name him Christopher Garland for his father."
Garland stood by, looking as proud as any young papa. At that moment I thought he did look twenty years younger. Were they a magical couple? Could they turn back time? Had they found the Fountain of Youth, or was this what true love could do for people? Never was I as envious and as jealous of anyone as I was of Alicia that moment. She had everything--beauty, a loving and adoring husband, and now a beautiful child.
"Congratulations, Father," Malcolm said, appearing in the doorway.
"Thank you, Malcolm. Come on in and take a closer look at your stepbrother."
Malcolm stood beside me and looked down at Alicia and the child.
"Good-looking. A true Foxworth," he said.
"You betcha," Garland said. "We'll be handing the cigars out tomorrow, eh, son?"
"Yes, we will," he said. "You did it, Father."
"Oh, I don't know if he did it alone," Alicia said. It even made me laugh. Malcolm's face reddened.
"Well, I meant . . . I . . . of course, congratulations, Alicia," he said, and knelt down to brush a kiss across her cheek. From the way he closed his eyes, I knew he wanted that kiss to last longer.
What a hypocrite he could be, I thought. I knew he hated that baby, and yet he could mouth all the right words, and do all the correct things.
He stood up quickly and backed away from the bed.
"Well, I'd better let you rest," he said. He and I left the room. Garland had hired a nurse for the first few weeks, something Malcolm had not thought of doing for me. We joined Dr. Braxten in the hallway, preparing to leave.
"So, Malcolm," he said, "you can be proud of your father, ell?"
"Yes," Malcolm said dryly.
"Looks like I was wrong," Dr. Braxten added.
"Pardon?"
"There was to be another Foxworth born in Foxworth Hall after all, eh?" he said.
For a moment Malcolm didn't respond. His lips whitened and he looked toward me.
"Yes, Doctor," he said, "you were wrong."
He followed the doctor down the staircase. Their footsteps sounded like thunder, the thunder that comes to warn us of an impending storm.

AFTER THE BIRTH OF CHRISTOPHER, GARLAND BEGAN TO spend a great deal more time at home. Malcolm claimed he was happy to have his father out of his hair at the office.

"He doesn't understand the intricacies of high finance and I have to spend too much time explaining things to him. He annoys everyone with his
questions," he said. "It's better that he behaves more like a retired man. I wish he would officially retire," he added.

Garland never did anything intentionally to upset me, but it was upsetting for me to have him around so much because I was forced to witness his and Alicia's love.

He hovered about Alicia, watching her feed the baby, and then he took them both for walks or for short rides. Occasionally, they asked me to
accompany them, but I always refused. The few times I caught my reflection and Alicia's in a mirror, I thought I looked more like her mother than the wife of her stepson. I found it ridiculous to think of her as a mother-in-law. I knew it would just be too
uncomfortable for me to go anywhere with Garland and her, unless Malcolm were with us too. And then something more disturbing began to take place.

Less than two months after Christopher's birth, Garland and Alicia began going up to their suite in the middle of the afternoon. At first I didn't understand their eagerness to do so. They would come in from a walk looking somewhat flustered, always clinging so closely to each other, forever kissing and embracing. Sometimes they walked past me as though I weren't even there.

With his arm around her shoulders and her arm around his waist, they would practically run up the spiral staircase and disappear into their suite for most of the afternoon. The maids and Lucas would smile slyly at one another when they saw them gallivanting up the stairs. On a number of occasions I overheard them talking about Garland and his young bride. Once, I was just about to go into the kitchen, when I stopped at the partially opened doorway because I heard Mrs. Steiner talking to Mrs. Wilson.