Garrett (23 page)

This freeing.

This comforting.

This spectacular.

Exhausted from my release and the events of this day, I drop my head to Olivia’s shoulder and wrap my arms around her. I hold her tight to me, and her arms come up to cover mine. Her fingers stroke my skin and tiny pulses of pleasure still cause my cock to jump inside her.

“Feel better?” Olivia says, and I can hear the smile in her voice.

“Much better,” I tell her, and then place a little bite on her shoulder.

“Can I share a secret with you?” she asks hesitantly.

“Anything.”

“We’ve seen so much tragedy today. There’s been death. And yet…right now…with you, I just feel so alive.” Her voice falters, but then, with a slight cough, she says, “I’m so thankful to be alive. You make me feel alive.”

I know exactly what she means. Since meeting Olivia, I feel like blinders have been taken off my eyes. Things seem brighter, funnier, happier. Sex is off-the-charts mind-blowing and I feel a fullness inside me that I haven’t felt before.

Yeah…I know exactly what she means. I feel more alive than ever, and it’s due solely to the woman in my arms.

“God, I fucking hate this,” Garrett says in a voice so low, I almost don’t hear him.

I lace my fingers through his and squeeze. “Me too.”

We walk slowly up the sidewalk to Zack and Gina’s house. I hate to even let the thought cross my brain, but I can’t help but relish how handsome Garrett looks in a suit. I usually only see him in super casual clothes likes jeans and T-shirts, or his hockey gear…which yeah, he’s super-hot in that too. But even as somber as it has been today, when Garrett showed up at my apartment to pick me up for the funeral, I involuntarily sighed over the fitted cut of his dark, charcoal-gray suit with a silver-blue tie. Even with his sad eyes that spoke of a heavy heart, he was still like a ray of light on a dark day.

Gina’s funeral capped off the end of a terribly bitter week.

Zack was released from the hospital on Monday morning, so Garrett and Alex headed over to his house to visit him. Garrett came to Fleurish that afternoon, clearly distraught. I tried to ask him how it went, how Zack and Benjamin were, but he was light on details and heavy on the grumpiness. He snapped at me that he didn’t want to talk about it, and I got it. I totally understood. That night, after he made love to me, he apologized even while he was still lodged inside me.

“I’m really sorry I was an ass today. I just wasn’t ready to talk about it,” he said before rolling off me and pulling me into his arms.

“It’s okay. I understood,” I assured him.

Garrett was silent for a moment, then I felt a shudder run through him. “You should have seen Zack. He’s like a zombie. He’s there, but not really. It’s like his eyes are dead or something.”

My stomach sort of curled in on itself from the horrified awe in Garrett’s voice. He was really shaken up over this, and although I try not to let my thoughts wander in a certain direction, I couldn’t help but think: Is that how Garrett would be if something happened to me?

Probably not to that extent, because Zack and Gina had years together…they had a child together. We had only a few months. But what if we stayed together? What if I died after we were together several years? Is it fair to make Garrett suffer that type of pain and misery? Am I wrong and selfish to keep him?

My own body shuddered with the possibility and my heart was uneasy.

The rest of the week went by in a blur. The Cold Fury played at home on Tuesday and I had tears in my eyes and a lump in my throat when the team skated out onto the ice, each with a black armband on to honor Gina. The announcer asked for a minute of silence from the fans, and I saw signs everywhere that said things like
WE LOVE YOU, ZACK
and
SO SORRY FOR YOUR LOSS
and
COLD FURY UNITED
.

Now, in most circumstances, the fact that this team lost a valuable player as well as a loved one from the ranks would probably shake up even the strongest of confidence. But the opposite seemed to have occurred. The guys went out there and played like they were on fire. Their body checks were harder, their passes crisper, and their execution near flawless. They beat New York 7–1 in a complete and utter blowout. And sadly, that night, Garrett couldn’t even work up a smile over the victory.

Because Gina’s funeral was scheduled for Friday, the team did, in fact, cancel their Thursday away game against Pittsburgh and added a makeup game onto the schedule a few months down the road. I spent my days working at Fleurish while Garrett had team practices and workouts. He went to see Zack twice more, and twice more he was upset over how destroyed Zack seemed to be. I assured Garrett that, in time, he would be able to move on, and not to give up hope.

Garrett stayed over at my apartment every night this week, and there seemed to be more intensity in our lovemaking. It was almost as if Garrett was desperately seeking to immerse himself in something that would make him feel good and alive. He held my gaze longer and hotter, he touched me all over, and when I didn’t think I could bear any more, he’d start all over. His words as he moved inside me were whispered and urgent, almost as if I wouldn’t understand the truth of his feelings. All of this was both pleasing and disconcerting to me at the same time. Pleasing because I’ve felt more connected to him than ever before, and yet it also made me uneasy because I’m afraid Garrett is focusing on the frailty of life. Maybe Gina’s life, maybe mine. Probably both.

Garrett opens the front door of Zack’s house and we enter in among of a throng of friends and family. The church had been overflowing, the streets lined with fans who had come out to pay their respects. Gina wished to be cremated, and so it was, a bronze urn holding her ashes that I see now sits up on the mantel over the fireplace.

We wind our way through the house, Garrett stopping every so often to introduce me to someone from the team, his hand holding mine tightly. I see Gina’s parents sitting in the living room, her mother holding Benjamin on her lap. He’s happily reading a book and I have to wonder what a three-year-old really understands about all this. Does he know his mommy isn’t coming back? Can a child that age understand death? Part of me says no, because I can barely comprehend it at times.

The kitchen counters are laden with food. Casseroles, sandwiches, desserts, and salads. No one seems to be eating, though, and I have to wonder why people bring food to these things. I mean…who has an appetite right now?

Garrett spies Zack out on the back deck with several other teammates, so we head that way. Zack has removed his tie and jacket, and his right arm is in a soft cast and held in place by a shoulder harness. It’s the first time I’ve seen him since the accident, only the second time I’ve been around him, and I’m awkwardly at a loss for what to say.

We walk up to the group, and for the first time Garrett lets my hand go so he can give Zack a hug. It’s an awkward one because men don’t hug well, and plus Zack’s arm is in a sling, but I see the briefest of smiles flit across Zack’s face before sadness filters back in place.

Stepping forward, I reach my arms up, and thankfully, Zack bends down to accept my hug. His good arm goes around my waist.

“I’m so sorry, Zack. I just don’t even have the right words to say,” I tell him, somewhat lamely.

Pulling away, I’m rewarded with a faint smile from him. “Thank you. And thanks for coming.”

Thankfully, the guys all lapse back into hockey talk, going over the highlights of Tuesday’s game. Zack leans back against his deck railing and listens, but doesn’t make any comments.

Looking around, I see Sutton and Alex standing down in the yard, talking to a couple I don’t recognize. Reaching out, I give Garrett’s arm a quick squeeze then walk down the deck steps. When I approach the group, Sutton gives me a warm smile and a hug. “Hey, you.”

“Hey,” I say softly, and then Alex makes introductions.

“Olivia…this is Mike and Kelly Malone. Mike was on the second line with Zack last season but then got traded to Chicago.”

As I shake Kelly and Mike’s hands, Alex adds on, “This is Olivia Case. She’s Sutton’s cousin, but more important, she’s apparently the woman that brought Garrett to heel.”

Sutton snorts, and Mike’s and Kelly’s jaws drop. I glance at Alex and he’s shooting me a wide grin.

“So, you’re dating Garrett?” Mike asks incredulously. “As in…seen him more than two…three times?”

It’s hilarious how ironclad Garrett’s reputation was, and my laugh is full-throated. “We’ve been seeing each about six weeks now.”

“Unbelievable,” Kelly says with awe and respect. “I didn’t think he had it in him.”

“Well, don’t underestimate Olivia’s charms. She played hard to get, and Garrett went a-chasin’,” Alex says with a laugh.

Yeah…I didn’t play all that hard to get, having slept with Garrett on our first date. But I wasn’t about to say that.

Instead, I give them my best and most mischievous smile, and tell them, “He was ready to fall. I just happened to be standing the closest.”

“You have that backward,” Garrett says from behind me. I don’t even get to turn around as his arms wrap around my chest and I’m hauled back into him. “She happened to be standing near me, and only after I met her was I ready to fall.”

Mike Malone just stares at Garrett with his eyes practically bugging out of his head, and Kelly sighs with dreamy eyes. “That’s so sweet.” Then her eyes sort of harden up, and she turns to her husband, slapping him on the arm. “Why can’t you be that sweet?”

“Ow,” Mike grumbles, rubbing his arm. “I am sweet to you. I’m very romantic.”

Kelly snorts and we all start laughing. Garrett reaches a hand out to Mike and they give a quick fist bump, then flutter their fingers at each other. “It’s good to see you, Mike,” Garrett says. “We miss you here.”

“Yeah, wish I could say it was nice to be back, but, fuck…never thought it would be for a funeral.”

The mood suddenly turns somber, and we all nod in agreement.

“Does anyone know what happened?” Mike asks.

“They’re still investigating, but another vehicle came over into Zack’s lane of traffic. He swerved hard to the right to avoid it and lost control. Flipped the car down into a deep ditch. Apparently, Gina wasn’t wearing her seat belt and got thrown from the vehicle.”

“Jesus Christ,” Mike says through gritted teeth. “Why wasn’t she wearing her seat belt? That’s not like Gina.”

“Who knows?” Alex says. “I expect he’ll talk about it when he’s ready. We’ve not been asking too many questions.”

“Yeah…I get that,” Mike says in commiseration. “Just hate it for the dude. And now…single father and, fuck…how do you tell a little boy his mom isn’t coming back?”

The question lays unanswered and heavy among us. Something so simple that could have saved her life. Just a freak accident, a moment in time, and a poor decision. In just a blink her life was over, and we haven’t even really calculated the devastation it’s left behind.

“How is he doing?” Kelly asks as her gaze flicks back and forth between Garrett and Alex.

Alex shrugs and Garrett’s arms tighten around me tensely. Finally, Sutton pipes up. “He’s still sort of in shock, I think. I’m not sure he’s really accepted what happened.”

“I don’t see how you ever accept something like that,” Garrett says to no one in particular. Or maybe everyone. His words hang heavy with sadness, so I bring my hands up to hook over Garrett’s, which are still wrapped around my chest.

“You find a way,” Sutton says firmly. “Zack will find the strength to pull out of his grief. He just needs time.”

“I don’t know,” Garrett says dubiously as he releases his hold on me. I turn my head to look up at him, and his eyes are filled with confusion. He shoves his hands into his pockets and looks over his shoulder at Zack still standing up on the deck. When he turns back to our group, he looks directly at me. “I’m trying to imagine what he’s feeling right now…and I can’t even come close, and yet what I do imagine makes me sick to my stomach.”

My breath catches in my throat, and at this moment, I know Garrett isn’t just talking about Zack. I know he’s envisioning what would happen to him if I were to die. He’s entertaining the possibility and trying to already figure out a way to deal with it.

And I swim with guilt.

“If you all will excuse me…I need to find a bathroom,” I murmur with my eyes downcast. I don’t want anyone to see my eyes, because then they’ll see how wretched I’m feeling at this moment. Not for Zack, and not for Benjamin. Certainly not for myself. I’m feeling terrible about what I’m doing to Garrett.

“It’s down the hallway off the living room…first door on the left,” Garrett says, and I manage to raise my gaze up to his with a plastic smile on my face.

“Thanks. I’ll be back in a minute.”

I turn away from the group before my false smile cracks, and immediately hear Alex talking about Zack again. I don’t take but one step and Garrett’s hand is on my wrist. I turn back toward him and he steps in close to me.

Bending his head down, he peers directly into my eyes while his thumb skims across my skin. “You okay?”

I ratchet my smile up a notch, trying to portray confidence. “Sure. Just need to use the bathroom.”

He stares at me, his eyes flicking back and forth between mine. Trying to discern if there’s something else in there that he’s missing. Apparently, my duplicity is foolproof, because he gives me a relieved smile and kisses me on my forehead. “Okay. Good.”

Pulling my arm away from his grasp, I head toward the house with my shoulders back and my head held high. I make my posture confident as I walk away, because otherwise I’d give in to the urge to just withdraw into myself and immerse myself in pity and guilt.

This has been a bit of an eye-opener for me. I know death is not on my immediate horizon, but it could come into focus a lot sooner than for others my age. There is so much turmoil and pain that is left behind, and there are some things I can do ahead of time to ease that for those I leave behind. I make immediate note that I need to do a will, and also an advanced healthcare directive. I need to make sure my mom knows where I bank and that she’s listed properly as my beneficiary on my meager 401(k) that Stevie provides through Fleurish. Most important, I need to let my mom know what my wishes are when it comes to my funeral. No one should have to bear making those decisions.

It would absolutely slay me in the afterlife if I knew my friends and family—if I knew Garrett—were devastated over my death. I would want them to move on…enjoy life…seek additional love. But that’s beyond my control. I can’t make that happen…only wish it to be so.

There’s nothing I can do about my mom, because she’s my mom. She’s not going anywhere. Neither are Stevie and Sutton, who have been long-standing in my life.

But Garrett is a bit different. He’s new to my life, and while I care for him deeply, as deeply as I’ve ever felt for a man before, I have to wonder if I did the right thing by getting involved with him.

Here this amazing man has set his sights on me…the first relationship he’s had since high school, and he picked someone that could destroy him. Guilt gnaws at me and I feel incredibly selfish. And if I’m honest with myself, I’ve been feeling this way for a while. Ever since Garrett wigged out over me being in the hospital.