Gay Amish 03 - A Way Home (24 page)

“What are you talking about? You’re the best brother. You came all the way back here just for me. Even when you and Ephraim said I was too young to hear something, I could never stay mad for long. You always took care of us. Sometimes Mother and Father were so busy, and it was you who taught me to tie my shoelaces. Remember? For hours you showed me how to do the loops over and over. It took days, but you never got impatient.”

“But…” Isaac shook his head.

“But nothing. Ephraim’s a good big brother too, but sometimes he gets all hot-headed and says stupid things. But you always had the right thing to say.”

Isaac swiped his eyes. “I sure never felt that way. And I left, and I should have known you were sick. You told me you’d gotten a nosebleed, and you were snoring so loudly, and—”

“How the heck would you have known about cancer?” Nathan glanced at David. “He’s being dumb, isn’t he?”

David smiled softly. “He is.” He caught Isaac’s gaze. “He needs to accept that there was no way he could have known. And that he did the best he could.”

Isaac dropped his head and managed to smile. “I guess you’re right.” He raised an eyebrow at David. “And you should take your own advice. We both did the best we could.”

David thought of the word Jen and Aaron used sometimes. “Touché.”

“But you have to promise something,” Nathan said.

“Anything.” Isaac nodded.

“Don’t leave again without saying goodbye.”

Isaac’s voice didn’t waver. “I promise.”

Footsteps approached in the hallway, and the authoritative sound of heavy boots made David jump to his feet. Sure enough, the Bylers appeared in the doorway, with Bishop Yoder and Deacon Stoltzfus like shadows behind them. Isaac stood too, and they waited.

Mrs. Byler ignored them, and David backed out of the way as she went to Nathan, running her hand over the remains of his hair tenderly. From the door, Mr. Byler spoke. “Is he here?”

David was confused for a moment until he realized Mr. Byler meant Aaron. Isaac nodded. “I’ll go find them. His wife is here too. Her name’s Jen.”

The Bylers shared a glance at that, but nodded. Danielle’s voice rang out from the doorway. “Okay, y’all have to have this discussion somewhere else. You can use the boardroom.” She elbowed her way past the bishop and deacon and bustled into the room. She smiled kindly at Nathan. “Time for a nap, buddy.”

David held back in the hallway as the others marched toward the room where the doctor had taken the Bylers to talk before. But Isaac glanced over his shoulder and came back, tugging David’s sleeve decisively. From the end of the hall, he saw Aaron and Jen coming their way.

Soon they were all stuffed into the room. No one seemed to want to be first to sit, so they stood around the table. It was warm and windowless, and David’s throat was dry. He, Isaac, Aaron, and Jen had ended up on the side of the table farthest from the door, so the two factions faced each other. The Bylers looked drawn and weary, as though they’d hadn’t slept at all. He supposed they hadn’t, and his heart ached for them, imagining what it would be like to not only be losing Isaac, but the fear of losing Nathan as well. Not to mention Aaron, long gone even though he stood only a few feet from them.

Aaron appeared calm, but from the corner of his eye David could see how he clutched Jen’s hand. The silence grew, and David’s pulse raced. Isaac was a knot of tension beside him, and once again David longed to touch him and share the burden. It was a gray, blustery day, and the Amish men wore their black felt hats. They didn’t remove them, and David couldn’t tell if that was a good sign or bad. From beneath his hat brim, Deacon Stoltzfus watched David with something different in his expression. Disappointment? David waited for him to say that he didn’t belong here since he wasn’t family, but the deacon didn’t speak.

After another painful moment, Jen cleared her throat. “Mr. and Mrs. Byler, I’m very glad to meet you. I wish it was under better circumstances.”

Aaron seemed to shake out of a trance. “Yes. This is my wife, Jen. Dr. Jennifer Paculba.”

The Bylers nodded stiffly, and after a long pause Mr. Byler said, “Hello.”

There was silence again, and finally, Bishop Yoder spoke. “We have discussed the matter in great detail, and we have prayed for guidance.”

As the bishop went quiet again, David wanted to lunge across the table and shake his skinny body until he spit it out.
Say it!

Bishop Yoder ran a hand over his long white beard. “We believe the Lord has a reason for everything.”

Practically vibrating with tension, Aaron gritted out, “There’s no reason to let an innocent child die when he can be saved!”

“Let him finish,” Jen said quietly.

“This once, we agree.” Bishop Yoder folded his hands in front of him. “It is God’s will that young Nathan receive this transplant, or you would not be a match. The procedure is permitted.”

David had been holding his breath, and he, Isaac, Aaron, and Jen seemed to exhale in unison. David fought a surge of nervous, relieved laughter. Nathan would live! Or at least have the chance. He realized he was grinning, and when he glanced at Isaac, found he wasn’t alone.

Aaron nodded. “Thank you. We’ll go find the doctor. The oncologist is here, so he’ll have more information.” He nodded to his parents. “Will you come too?”

“We’ll be along shortly,” Mr. Byler said. “We must speak to the boys first.”

David’s giddy relief fizzled into dread. He and Isaac shared a glance, and David wanted to grab his hand and run. He knew he and Isaac were committed to each other and to living English, but every time someone begged them to stay he felt like it made little cracks in their window that could grow and shatter everything.

Isaac nodded to Aaron. “Go on. We’re fine.”

“Are you sure?” Aaron asked. “We can stay.”

Jen added, “Absolutely.”

Part of David wanted them to stay, but when he and Isaac shared another glance, he knew they’d be okay. They were strong enough. “We’re okay.”

Aaron and Jen gave them sympathetic and encouraging smiles before leaving. Strangely, Mrs. Byler followed them, and David wondered if perhaps she’d changed her mind, although her husband had already spoken for both of them. But then she returned, and his heart sank even further as Mother and Eli followed her into the little room and closed the door. Mother leaned heavily on her cane, but still no one sat. They stared at each other as a clock on the wall counted off the seconds.
Tick, tick, tick, tick…

“It seems you are determined to go gladly into the arms of the devil.” Bishop Yoder flexed his bony fingers before clasping them again. “Determined to disobey your parents and break their hearts.”

Mother’s gaze was locked on the cheap table, as though she couldn’t bear to look at him. David took a deep breath. “We wish there was another way.”

“Of course there is another way. The
only
way. The way to heaven. To live a good, humble life. An
Amish
life.” The bishop’s tone brooked no argument. David sighed to himself. How many times did they have to hear it? They were the same words over and over, but they’d never mean Isaac and David could stay.

“Isaac. You were always such a good boy.” Mrs. Byler’s eyes shifted to David. “We fear you have been led astray.”

Mother tensed, and Eli stepped in. “They are both good boys. Still youngies.” He implored David and Isaac, “You must let us help you return to the fold.”

“David didn’t lead me astray,” Isaac said. “I made my own choice. We both did. It’s no one’s fault.”

David found himself watching the deacon, who glowered in his usual way but strangely said nothing.

“I know it hurts you, Mother.” David’s voice shook, and he cleared his throat. “I’m truly sorry for that, and I’m grateful to Mr. Helmuth for taking care of you and the girls now that I’ve chosen a different life. But nothing you or anyone says will change our minds.”

“He’s right. We can’t stay in Zebulon, as much as we care about you all. We have to…”

“What?” Mrs. Byler’s voice rose. “
What
, Isaac? What is so important that you would do this?”

“Being free!” Isaac gestured with his hands. “Being who we are.”

“But
why
?”

“Because I love him!”

In the stunned silence that followed, David felt like his ears were ringing with Isaac’s shout.
I must be dreaming.
But it was real. They’d tipped over the precipice, and gravity was taking over.

As the words left his mouth, Isaac thought his heart might explode. He was shaking all over, and his lungs constricted painfully. From the corner of his eye he could see David staring at him with mouth agape and eyes wide.
Did I really just say that? What have I done?

He forced himself to meet David’s gaze. His mind was whirling with a thousand apologies and excuses—he’d say he meant something else! He didn’t know what, but…
anything
. He opened his mouth. “I…”

But then David snapped his jaw shut. With a nod, he took Isaac’s hand and threaded their fingers together as they faced their parents, Bishop Yoder, and Deacon Stoltzfus, who all stared at David and Isaac’s joined hands with almost identical expressions of utter bafflement.

“We love each other,” David stated. His voice almost cracked, and he cleared his throat. “We know you won’t accept it. But maybe you’ll understand why we have to go.”

Mrs. Lantz—no, Mrs. Helmuth now—stared at David. “How can you stand there and say such things?
How?
It is unnatural!” She looked to her husband, mouth open, as if he could somehow explain it. “He can’t mean this!”

Mr. Helmuth shook his head sorrowfully. “It is a great sin, David.”

“It’s you who’s done this,” the deacon muttered at David. “Ruined lives, like your brother before you.”

Isaac wanted to step in front of David and shield him. “That’s not true.”

Mrs. Helmuth seemed to collapse in on herself, the cane giving way. She would have crashed to the thin carpet if not for her husband, who bore her up with strong arms around her. “You must rest now, Miriam. No more of this. We’re going home.” He propelled her out the door.

Isaac watched emotions flit across his parents’ faces—confusion, disgust, anger, fear. “This is why, Mother.” His throat was like sandpaper, but he got the words out. “We’re gay.”

“Do you see what the sinful world has done?” Bishop Yoder’s face went red as he began rattling off condemnations of every kind in German. “This only proves what a dangerous place it is outside Zebulon.”

“Mr. and Mrs. Byler?” Dr. Tyler stood in the doorway, and all eyes swung to her. “I’m very sorry to interrupt, but Dr. Beharry and I need to see you to discuss the procedure, and there are forms to sign. He and his team have to get back to the Mayo ASAP. Since time is of the essence, Aaron’s agreed to do the harvesting with a local anesthetic instead of a general.”

Without another word, Mother lowered her head and walked out. Father looked at Isaac a last time, his face creased with sadness and confusion, and turned to follow. Bishop Yoder opened his mouth, but David held up his hand.

“No. We don’t have to listen to another word. We know what you’re going to say. We’ve said it all to ourselves already.”

“It is an abomination!” Deacon Stoltzfus exclaimed. “You need the church now more than ever. The evil world has corrupted you.”

Isaac gripped David’s hand so tightly it would likely leave marks, but David’s blunt nails dug into the back of Isaac’s hand as well. “We were like this before we left. All the world did was accept us the way we are.”

The bishop shook his head sadly. “We will pray for you. For the Lord to cleanse you of this sickness.” He turned and left, and after a long moment staring at David, the deacon trailed behind.

The door was open, and the sounds of the hospital filtered in as Isaac and David stood there, still clutching each other’s hand. Shoes squeaking on the floor. The
ding
and slide of the elevator doors. A doctor being paged, and a telephone buzzing.

“Oh my God,” Isaac whispered. He laughed slightly hysterically. “What did I do?” His laughter vanished as he turned to David, squeezing his fingers. “I’m sorry. I should never have—not without both of us deciding it.” David was dazed and staring at the empty doorway, and his chest rose and fell quickly. Isaac’s gut churned as he thought of the panic attacks David had kept secret from him. “David? Are you okay?”

“Yes,” he replied.

Isaac could tell it was an automatic response, and he cupped David’s cheek and stepped in front of him. “Don’t say that if it’s not true. Tell me how you really feel. Look at me. Please.”

Blinking, David sucked in a deep breath and focused on Isaac. “It’s all right.” He pulled Isaac close and wrapped his arms around him. “We’re all right,” he murmured. “We’re still here.”

“We lived.” It seemed silly to say, but it was how Isaac felt.
They know the truth, and it didn’t kill us.

Isaac hugged him back tightly, pressing his face into David’s neck. He felt warm and safe, and he tried to hold on to that feeling as thoughts tumbled through his mind. “I can’t believe this is real.”

David turned his head and kissed the shell of Isaac’s ear. “But we’ll get through it.”

“I can’t believe that just happened.” He was repeating himself, but it was all he could do. Isaac lifted his head. “I’m so sorry. I said it before I could stop myself.”

“Shh.” David kissed him and leaned their foreheads together. “It’s done.”

“But I’d understand if you were mad at me.”

“I’m not.” David’s breath ghosted over Isaac’s lips. “I’m glad you said it.”

“You are?” Isaac whispered.

“It was time.”

Isaac’s heart skipped all around like kids playing hopscotch. “It was, wasn’t it?”

David took Isaac’s face in his hands. “I love you. I’m happy they know what’s in my heart. Even if it means we lose them. We already had anyway.”

“Isaac? David?” Aaron appeared in the doorway. He raised his hands to the side, palms up. “What the hell happened? Mom and Dad look like they swallowed razor blades.”