Gazelle (43 page)

              Rolando comes around the table and stands before him, looking sidelong at the rows of tables.  His hooded eyes lock up at Julian, deadly serious.

“
There are only two possible reasons, holmes.  One: you
did
know, but you got off on it.  You liked to be served and taken care of like a fucki
n
’ baby bo
y‘
cuztha
t’
s what they do for big shots like you, right?  Women all over the place, coming and going like meals and left-overs.  So you let her do it, you
paid
her to do it, and pretended you did
n’
t know.  In which case, you and me have a much more serious problem than this, right now
.
”
              Julia
n’
s brow furrows and he shifts his weight, glancing down at the lean man, knowing it was a fight he would lose very quickly, even without the assistance of Roland
o’
s men.

“
Two: you felt the same way, but you were too self-absorbed and afraid to admit it.  Too much of a coward.  Too much of a little coward to deal with your emotions like a real man.  Tha
t’
s not good enough for Alice, you hear me?  She deserves better than that, way better. If this is the case, I need to hear you say it.  Do you understand me?  You need to come clean.  I need you to tell me yo
u’
re a coward
.
”
              Julian glares at him.  In the back of his mind, he is screaming, knowing he is running out of time.  His pride and panic wrestle, his eyes locked on Roland
o’
s cold, fierce expression.  He exhales slowly and blinks, realizing Roland
o’
s words were absolutely true, and understanding just how bad it really was.  Rolando loved Alice, and Julian understood what he said and did was out of that love.  He understood that, were the position reversed, Julian might not be as forgiving as Rolando.  He bows his head and drops his gaze.

“
Yo
u’
re right
,
” he whispers.

“
Excuse me
?
” Rolando asks, tilting his ear to him.
 “
I could
n’
t quite hear that
.
”

“
Yo
u’
re right. 
I’
m a coward.  I was too self-absorbed.  Too fucking stupid and afraid.  I love her.  Tha
t’
s it, tha
t’
s all.  I love her and it scares the shit out of me to think I fucked this up
.
”
“
Oh, ther
e’
s no mistaking it, you definitely fucked it up, real good
,
” Rolando laughs, returning to the table.

“
I can fix it
.
”
“
Doubt it.   Alice is an incredible human.  Sh
e’
s got many beautiful attributes.  But forgiveness is not one of them
,
” he says.

“
I have to try.  I have to at least tell her and try
.
”
“
Yes, you do.  Good luck with it
,
” Rolando says.

              Julian blinks in disbelief.
 “
Yo
u’
re not going to tell me where she is
?
”
“
No, man, I told you I was
n’
t
!
” Rolando exclaims.
 “
My word is bond!  I do
n’
t fucking break my promises
!
”
              Julian locks his jaw and grinds his teeth.  Rolando stops and looks up at him again, shaking his head. 

“
I ca
n’
t tell you, man,
I’
m sorry.  But
I’
m not the only one who knows her, right?  And I can say this, those other friends of hers are apt to be more charmed by that pretty boy smile than I
.
”
              Julia
n’
s eyes widen and he turns, bolting towards the door, Rolando and his friends laughing as he goes.

              The juice bar is packed with dinner rush.  Hungry young models, rich, cougar moms and yoga instructors twist in a sloppy line, waiting grumpily for their feeding.  The blenders whirl in a symphony of grinding twisters.  The juicer roars as it continuously liquefies handfuls of produce.  Julian pushes past the crowd, squeezing between the surprised faces, towards the front counter.  The customer he cuts in front of him looks at him indignantly for a moment before realizing who he is.

“
Oh my go
d
…” she whispers, stepping back and quickly reaching for her phone.

“
Trina
!
”
              Trina whips around, thoroughly annoyed and disheartened by her job.  Her jaw drops upon seeing him.  The crowd around him erupts into a series of whispers and astonishment at his presence.  She rushes to the counter with a smile on her face, the curious gaze of the surrounding customers shifting back and forth between the two.

“
Where is she
?
”
              Trina blinks, confused, before realizing what he asks.  She shakes her head but it is clear she is uncertain.
 “I’
m not suppose to
-
”

“
I love her.  Where is she
?
”
“
Bus station.  Downtown
.
”

              He turns and runs through the crowd,faintly hearing her yell
,“
HURRY
!
” above the noise.

              Alice hugs Chris one last time. He rubs her back and fights off his own sadness.  She pulls away and tucks her long hair behind her ears.

“
Okay, I guess I better get going.  No use putting off the painful
,
” she says, scooping up Dirt Bag.
 “
Tell Will I love him. 
I’
ll call you guys when I get in
.
”
“
Okay, hon. W
e’
re gonnamiss the shit out of you
,
” Chris says, walking her to the bus.
“
I know, me too.  But hey, you can visit.  And when I come back here,
I’
ll stay with you.  W
e’
ll have 24 hour movie marathon pajama parties
.
”
“
Yeah, i
t’
ll be fun
.
”
              She steps up onto the bus and looks at him with a sad smile. 

“
You sure yo
u’
re doing the right thing, Alice
?
”
“
Yea
h…
i
t’
s for the best.  I need to start over.  Get my shit together.  It all felt like it was too good to last, you know? The car, the life, the partie
s
…”
“
The giant flat screen.  I ca
n’
t believe you gave that to Trina
.
”
“
I
t’
s just a TV.  Does
n’
t mean anything
.
”
 
She leans down and kisses his cheek.
 “I’
ll see you around
.
”
              She moves to the back of the bus and curls up on the chair.  Chris waves to her, moving to the curb as the bus starts up.  It rises up onto its shocks, the doors shut.  She waves one last time and leans her head against the window, closing her eyes as tears begin to fall.  The bus slowly lurches away.

“
Wait!  Stop it!  Wait
!
” 

              Julian runs breathless towards the bus as it gains momentum.  He charges past Chris, reaching the back window.

“
Alice!  Wait!
!
” 

              He waves his arms frantically at her but she does not see him, her eyes still closed as the bus gathers speed and rolls down the street, Julian still chasing it.

              For a long moment, he stands breathless, heaving, watching the bus disappear down into traffic.  He feels as if some broad mistake has been made, like the bus would loop back around again and reset the scene.  He stands up slowly and runs his hands through his hair, pulling it and fighting, realizing there was no second take. 
“
Fuck!! Fuck me, FUCK
!
”

              He puts his hands on his hips and turns back to the bus depot, ignoring the curious eyes that watch him, including Chris, whom he has not yet recognized.  He looks to those nearest the bus departure, and runs to them.

“
Excuse me, man
,
” he asks a young man with headphones
.“
Do you know where that bus was going
?
” 
 
The man shakes his head.

              He asks another passerby and another, still not seeing Chris, watching him in astonishment.  Finally, his eyes drop to the slight, nerdy young man, grinning at him.  Julian recognizes him at last and rushes to him.

“
Chris, right
?
”
“
Right.  Tha
t’
s correc
t…
Julian, right
?
”
“
Chris, wher
e’
s she going
?
”
“
I uh, I do
n’
t know if i
t’
s a good idea I tell you
,
” he says, shaking his head.

“
No, i
t’
s a good idea.  I
t’
s a great idea.  Please, tell me
.
”
“
Well, she did
n’
t want you to know, s
o…
.i
t’
skind of a pickle, really.  I ca
n’
t betray my frien
d’
s confidence but, really you could jus
t
…”
“
I can just go into the depot and find out
.
”
“
Yep, exactly.  Sh
e’
s going back to Oakland
.
”
              Julian nods, immediately pulling his phone from his pocket and dialing CeCe.
“
She does
n’
t want you to go after her
.
”
“
I know.  I understand that
,
” Julian mumbles.

“
No, man, I do
n’
t think you do.  She really does
n’
t.  See, I think you have this big romantic scene in your head, where you tell her you love her and she says I love you and you guys live happily ever after.  But tha
t’
s not what she wants, you hear me?  Alice is
n’
t like that.  Do
n’
t you know that by now
?
”
              Julian frowns, his phone to his ear.
 “
CeC
e…
let me call you right back.  What do you mean?  What do you mean sh
e’
s not like that
?
”
“
The worst possible thing you could have done is this, right now, chasing her down.  Sure, i
t’
s super hot and, like, what girl would
n’
t totally buy it and fall into your arms, right?  But tha
t’
s exactly why she would
n’
t.  Sh
e’
d think, in the back of her mind, you were acting, taking the easy way out, and that you would wake up tomorrow looking for the next script.  Shewould never trust it was real.  Ever
.
”
              Julian stares at the slight man in complete bewilderment.  He was absolutely right.  He had been blindly flying through each scene, constructed according to everything he knew, trying to get to his motivation.  And now, faced with reality, he had no idea what to do.