Gazelle (45 page)

“
What choice?  You mean Sharleen
?
”
“
No, not Sharleen, nothing to do with Sharleen.  I mean, letting you go.  You told me that if you loved someone, really loved someone, you would do everything and anything in your power to protect that love.  Not them, necessarily, but the love you shared
with
them.  It took awhile for me to understand what you meant by that, probably longer than it should have.  When you left, at first, I thought it was just because I was a dick and
-
”

“
Which it was.  Mostly
.
”

“
Yes, yo
u’
re right. Absolutely.  I fucked up big time
.
”
“
Really badly.  Like
,…
so bad..
.
”
“
I know.  I was a complete and total coward, asshole prick, I know.  And I am truly sorry for that.  But I did
n’
t realize it until you left.  And I thought that it was the only reason.  So I let you go, let you have your space, chose not to chase you down, tell you how much I love you and want to be with you.  But time passed and I thought, if it was just because I was a dick, you would have texted or called, or something.  You and Anthony were together for a long time and he did you dirty, and yet you still tried to be friends with him.  So I started to realize you were
n’
t just leaving because you were pissed.  You were
n’
t leaving just because I was a dick.  You left to protect the love.  You left before I could fuck up what we had any worse than I had already
.
”

              She looks away, her cheeks flushing, completely unaware of the silence around her, watching them. 

“
Alice, I am so, so sorry.  And I love you.  Very much so
.
”

              She nods and studies the counter.  A long, uncomfortable silence follows, so long, Julian begins to sweat.  His eyes do
n’
t leave her, though, waiting with everyone else around them.  A slow chill washes over her, the color drains from her flushed cheeks.  She raises her head and studies the audience, staring at her naked before them, a glassy, far away look in their eyes as they anticipate her lines, scrutinizing her expression, her clothes, her body language down to every miniscule detail.  This is the part where she is supposed to forgive him.  This is the part where she leaps over the counter and they kiss and everyone applauds.  Her eyes widen, she feels her heart in her ears, beating harder and faster, looking back to her coworkers for support.  The same glassy look from them, she realizes she is alone.  She looks at him, into him, the only one whose expression she cannot read.  Michae
l’
s words return, she imagines them filming her and Julian with their phones, and sees a few of them doing just that, filming them, filming her, standing behind Julian, holding up their phones and filming her reaction.  Her face wrinkles and before she can cry, she bolts towards the door, running at full speed from a stunned room. 

“
Shit
,
” Julian whispers, dropping his tea and running after her.

              Alice weaves up the streets of downtown Berkeley, running as fast as her legs will move.  She clutches her glasses, tears running down her face.  The short, black skirt she wears flaps against her thighs.  Her hair is a blurry halo of black.  Her heart races, her mind screams, forcing her forward and away, blinders blocking the faces of confused, concerned pedestrians she passes.

“
Alice!  Stop
!
”
 
Julian leaps forward, chasing her.  He is much faster and taller, catching up to her quicker than she anticipated.  No matter how fast she runs, he is on her heels, weaving and dodging up Shattuck.  She is completely panicked, sick with fear now.  She hears him panting behind her, on her neck.  As they reach Shattuck Cinema, he catches her arm and yanks her still.

“
No
!
” she screams, struggling to pull herself free.
 “
No, you do
n’
t get it!  You do
n’
t get everything you want
!
”
“
You want it, too! Why wo
n’
t you see that
?
”
“
I do see it, I see it fine
!
” she glares at him, panting.
 “
I see it better than you do, even.  What we want is
not
the same thing!  You want me to live with you, back there, under their cameras and lights.  No privacy, no intimacy.  You want to make scenes with me like you
just
did and think that tha
t’
s enough and i
t’
s not, i
t’
s not fucking
real
!
”
“
No
,
” he says shaking his head vigorously
,“
no tha
t’
s not what I want.  Tha
t’
s what yo
u’
re afraid of.  I
t’
s not like that
-
”

“
Bullshit!  I know it is, I saw it.  The whole time I worked for you, I saw it, do
n’
t tell me I did
n’
t.  Tha
t’
s your reality, back in that mansion with that bitch girlfriend and everyone adoring you
!
”
“
No!  Goddamn it, what you saw was
n’
t
real for me, either
!  That was
n’
t my reality! 
I’
ve been searching desperately for wha
t’
s real, tha
t’
s what drew me to
you. 
Do you remember that day I spent with you, paying your bills?  Remember that day
?
”
              She says nothing, still glaring at him.

“
That day was real, Alice.  Every moment
like
that day, every moment you and I spent together that
felt
like that day was real!  The joking, the laughing, the-just lounging around with one another, talking shit and being ourselves, that was
real
. You are rea
l…
yo
u’
re my reality.  That night
,
” he says, moving closer to her
,“
that night I picked you up off the freeway.  That was real.  The night you held me,comforted me, that was real.  I fucked up because I did
n’
t want to believe it, it was too painful and scary, I was a coward and
I’
m sorry.  Everything else was the lie, you understand, I know it was, I knew all along. 
I’
m sorry,
I’
m so sorry.  Do
n’
t you see that
?
”
“
I do
,
” she nods.
 “
I also know that as long as you are who you are, we have to live in that lie, real or not.  And I ca
n’
t.  I love you, Julian, I do.  I love you so muc
h…
but Mike was right.  I ca
n’
t live under the lens
.
”
“
What did Mike say
?
”
“
It does
n’
t matter.  He was right.  I ca
n’
t spend my life, worrying about whether my zits are gonnashow up on some doucheba
g’
s cell phone picture he took of us trying to have a romantic night out.  Or if my ass looks too fat for you to be escorting down the red carpet.   Or if I have to see our wedding pictures at the fucking check out standnext to the gum and candy!  I ca
n’
t risk ruining us over stupid shit like that
.
”
“
Then yo
u’
re a coward, too
.
”

              Her head snaps up, shocked.  He looks down at her, his hands on his hips, his eyes blazing. 
“I’
m not a coward
,
” she says softly.

“
Yes, you are.  Look, I trust you, completely.  You tell me to quit acting,
I’
ll do it, right now, because I know yo
u’
d only tell me that if you thought it was hurting me.  You tell me not to trust someone, or to watch my back, you tell me something is shit,
I’
lllisten because yo
u’
re the strongest, most honest person
I’
ve ever met.  And if you say that you love me, then that means you trust me to love you back, and protect you in my own way, too.  Trust me to make sure,when it comes down to it, you wo
n’
t give a shit about anybody else and their shitty drive-thru pictures of you.  It does
n’
t matter.  It should
n’
t matter.  If you love me, like you say you do, then yo
u’
ll stare into that future without batting an eye because you know
I’
m right behind you, always.  I promise
.
”
              Her jaw drops, her heart lifts.  He sees her expression shift and he grabs her face before she can put up her walls again, pulling her into his, kissing her deeply, passionately, showing her, once and for all, he was a man.  They pull apart, staring into one another.
 “
Trust me
,
” he whispers.

              Her eyes close, her hands slowly wrap around his and squeeze.  She stares wildly into the abyss, struggling to stop looking for sharp objects, dangerous cliffs, struggling to let go.
 “
Trust me, Alice
.
”
              She squeezes her face and exhales, feeling her body lift and free-fall into him.  They move through space, navigating the landmines hand in hand, at last.  Alice opens her eyes, locking on his electric blues, staring imploringly into hers.  She smiles slowly, and he at her.
 “
How totally cheesy of us
.
”
              He kisses her, relieved, terrified and completely in love.  She pulls away, staring earnestly into his eyes, a small smile playing on her lips.
 
“
…
Can I have my car back
?
”

              He kisses her again, holding her a long while, rocking her in his great arms, breathing in her hair.
 “
I sold your car
.
”
“
What!?Why would you do such a thing?  I love that ca
r…
it was the main reason I stuck around so long
,
” she says, muffled against his chest.
“
I could
n’
t stand even sitting in it, it smelled like you.  You, and moldy French fries.  They found a bag of old fast food tucked under your seat
.
”
              She laughs and squeezes him tighter.
 “
Yo
u’
re lying
!
”
“
I swear.  They were like little petrified pieces of turd.  The dealer charged me a cleane
r’
s fee trying to get the smell out.  CeCewas pissed
.
”

              He wraps an arm around her, and she around him, and they start walking.  She looks up at him and then down the long street, twisting into trees, disappearing into the hillside of houses.
 “
So what now
?
”
“
No clue.  I
t’
s gonnabe fun, though
.
”
“
‘
Happily ever afte
r
’ fun
?
”
“
Oh, no.  We all know how that ends.  Too predictable
,
” he smiles, kissing the top of her head.

“
Agreed
.
”
“
Ho
w‘
bout we just go get a burger for now
,‘
kay
?
”

“
Sounds like paradise to me
.
”