Geek Girl (21 page)

“Yeah, so what? Tell me you didn’t know that.”

The sky lights once more, the thunder rolling again, further away now.

“Wait, you
didn’t
know?” he asks when my silence grows between us.

I shake my head, stunned by this revelation, especially after tonight’s events.

“How could you not know?” he asks softly, squeezing my hand.

“I didn’t think you . . .” I trail off, and Trevor leans toward me intently.

“It doesn’t change anything, Jen. I’ve felt this way for a long time now. No pressure, I don’t expect anything to cha—” His words cut off with a grunt as I launch myself against him, flattening him against the wet leaves beneath us, his arms instinctively coming tightly around me. I kiss him, not an easy task with the big grin on my face.

He reaches up and traces my face, pulling back when he feels the wetness there.

“You’re crying?” he asks gently.

“I seem to be doing that a lot lately. Sorry.”

“Did
I
make you cry?” He sounds horrified.

“Yup,” I laugh. “Thank you.” I kiss him again.

“Okaaay,” he draws the word out. “I’m confused.”

“Trev, I didn’t mean to fall in love with you, I swear I didn’t. But I couldn’t help it. I’ve been so mad about that.”

“
Mad?
 . . . Really? Why would that make you mad? Because your friends wouldn’t like it?”

I laugh again.

“I quit caring what
they
think a long time ago. I was mad because I figured there was no way you could ever love me, and that meant I had to bring you down to my level just so I could deserve you.”

Trevor flips me over, and I find myself pinned down while he straddles me, my arms held above my head. He leans down so that his face is right above mine.

“You’re an idiot, you know that?” His voice is softly menacing. I smile at him. A flash of lightning reveals he’s also grinning down at me.

“We’re
both
idiots, Trev.”

He grunts in agreement.

“Maybe that’s what makes us perfect for each other.”

“Maybe so,” he says just before planting a firm kiss on my mouth. He pulls up, drawing me with him. He scoots back against the tree trunk, pulling me against him and wrapping his arms around me against the chill air. I thread my fingers through his, pulling his arms tighter.

“Trev, I want you to know, I wasn’t planning to smoke Kyle’s—”

“It doesn’t matter, Jen,” he cuts me off. “I’m not asking you to change.”

“It does matter. I want you to know. There was a time when I wouldn’t have even thought twice about it. But since I’ve met you, I haven’t wanted to do anything like that. I’ve watched you, I’ve hung out with your family and friends, and I don’t want to do things that are self-destructive anymore. I don’t want to be that person anymore. I want to be someone who your mom wouldn’t be horrified to see show up on her doorstep for her son.” A strangled sound comes from Trevor, but I put a finger on his mouth to stop his words.

“I want to be someone who my family would be
glad
to adopt. Mostly I want to be someone who deserves you. And I think that’s a good thing, don’t you?”

I can feel the tension in his shoulders, feel him wanting to argue. Finally he sighs.

“If you think it’s good, Jen. But only if it’s what
you
want. I don’t want you to do it because you think it’s what I want.”

“Seriously, Trev, I think for the first time in my life I want to have a future, a
good
future, and I can’t get there by living the way I have been.”

He doesn’t answer, just pulls me firmly against him. After a few silent minutes, he speaks.

“I’m glad you came into my life, Jen. I still don’t know why you did, but I don’t care. I’m just glad you did, glad you turned my world upside down, which is really right side up.”

I swallow the lump of guilt in my throat.
Someday,
I think,
someday I’ll tell him. Just not right now.

“I am too, Trev. Who knew that you would be The One.” I smile. “Which I guess makes me your Trinity.”

“My Amidala.”

“Your Zira.”

“My Sylvia.”

“Your . . .” I scour my brain, trying to remember some other great sci-fi love interest.

“My what?” he laughs.

“Ha! I’m your Saphira.” I settle back smugly, only for Trevor to start laughing.

“What?” I demand.

“Saphira is a
dragon
.”

“I know, but Eragon needed her, and she needed him.”

“Okay, I’ll concede that.” I can hear the smile in his voice. “But I don’t think she’d be much fun to kiss. I’d rather you were my Arya.”

I turn into him, running my finger over his lips lightly.

“Maybe I’ll just be your Jen,” I tease.

“Sounds about right to me,” he says, leaning down to show me how much better it is to kiss a human than to kiss a dragon.

The adoption is going pretty easily and quickly. I guess between my mother’s willingness to sign me away yet again and the fact that the Grants were already state-approved to be my foster parents moved things along. I’m guessing my advanced age also has something to do with it. The Grants want to have a party on Saturday, the day it will be official, to celebrate. I’m pleased that they think it is something worth celebrating, because I definitely think it is.

Weird.

I’m also nervous about it because of my natural pessimism and sense of doom. Something will go wrong like it always seems to when my life is going too well.

I decide to call Beth and Ella and invite them over since they are my only real girl friends, and maybe this will be a way to make things right with them.

“So,” I begin hesitantly when they pick up two separate phones on the same line at their house. “I was wondering if you both want to come by my house on Saturday, around five.”

“Five? Isn’t that kind of early for a party?” Beth asks.

“Not for this kind of a party. It’s a family thing.”

There is dead silence on the phone. Beth and Ella are really the only two real friends I’ve had since living in this area, but in their silence I realize that we’ve never
really
been friends, definitely not the kind of friends who go to one another’s “family things.” I clear my throat uncomfortably.

“Actually, it’s a kind of celebration. I didn’t want to tell you until it was done, you know, the whole didn’t-want-to-jinx-it thing. But actually, the Grants want to adopt me. It’ll be all signed and done on Saturday.”

Another heavy silence, then Ella speaks.

“Soooo,” she draws the word out, confusion lacing her voice, “you’re saying that you’re
not
planning a big blow-up? You’re sticking around?”

“Well, yeah.”

“So, when did all of this happen?” Beth sounds angry. “You haven’t said anything to us.”

“I know. I’m sorry about that. It’s just been kind of wild, I guess.” I feel like I have to defend myself. “It’s all happened really fast. After I went to see my mother, I—”

“You went to see your mother?” Ella interrupts. “When was this?”

“Not that long ago, Ella. I just really didn’t want to talk much about it.”

“To us, you mean? You didn’t want to talk about it to us? Who then? Who did you talk to about it, Jen? Your science project? Is he the one you confide in now?” Beth’s voice is rising, and I feel myself flush with mortification. Then I hear her slam the phone down. There’s only silence.

“Ella?” I ask, hesitant.

She sighs.

“Don’t mind her, Jen. She’s been fighting with her boyfriend, and she’s got PMS all at once.”

“Are you mad at me?” I ask.

“No, not really. I mean, I wish you would have told us sooner, but it doesn’t really matter, I guess.”

“I really wasn’t trying to keep it from you. Things have just been weird for me, you know? No one has ever wanted to adopt me before.”

“Yeah, but that was kinda your fault, right? I mean, you told us about some of the things you did to get yourself kicked out. You can’t really blame any of them.”

I flush again, embarrassed about both my past behavior and having thought it was funny to share the stories.

“I’m happy for you if you’re happy, Jen. What time Saturday?”

Even as she asks me, I regret having issued the invitation. I suddenly don’t want this pure event sullied by my past with them—too late now. The old Jen might have just told Ella to drop dead, but the new one who’s been way too influenced by Trevor the Polite can’t.

“Five o’clock,” I hear myself telling her.

“Okay, we’ll try to make it.”

I hang up, hoping against hope that they won’t.

⊕⊗⊕

Saturday morning is bright and clear. I hope it’s a good omen. I ride in the car with Pat, Sue, and Tamara, who (I realize) will soon be my sister. That brings thoughts of Mrs. Green and her regret about never having had a sister. I glance at Tamara, who is texting at lightning speed as if trying to break the world record. Could be worse, I guess.

When we arrive at the courthouse—a place I’ve only ever had bad experiences with—I see that Jeff and Kari are waiting. Another jolt as I apprehend that he will be my brother and she my sister-in-law. The butterflies begin kicking around in my stomach.

The whole process is pretty un-dramatic after all. A conference-type room with a judge in plain clothes, a few papers signed by Pat and Sue, and just like that, I’m part of a family. Like an idiot I cry as my new mother pulls me into her arms with a cheerful hug.

I’m grateful for the party mainly because I need the steadying presence of Trevor. My new family is overjoyed, and I’m overwhelmed. I really need some time alone, but that won’t be forthcoming until later. Trevor walks in, smiling with those killer dimples, giving me a big hug that comforts me. I feel both a part of and separate from the whole thing, and he strangely feels more familiar than my new family.

Pat barbecues hamburgers while people keep filing into the backyard, mostly neighbors and friends of the Grants. Some of Tamara’s cheerleader-type friends come over, and apparently my new status as sister makes me acceptable rather than despicable because they all come over with smiles and hugs for me. This feels okay. I sit on the porch steps next to Trevor, who has one arm around my waist and his other hand tangled in mine while we talk to Tamara, her friends, and a few of Trev’s geek friends who’ve come by.

This is just when Ella and Beth show up. I glance up to see the shocked expressions on their faces. I look around me and see how this looks to them. Me, in my white skirt, pink shirt, and easy makeup, hair dyed back to its natural dark brown, surrounded by the types of people I spent many hours making fun of with these two. I’m laughing and having fun while wrapped in the arms of the person who I’m supposed to be turning to win a bet. I stand quickly, guilty.

“Hey, Beth, Ella. Glad you guys came.”

They look at each other, then back at me as if I’ve grown two heads.

“Are these your friends?” Sue comes over, happily greeting Beth and Ella.

“You girls grab a plate and makes yourselves at home,” she says after introductions. They roll their eyes silently at each other, and my stomach turns with anger and shame. They are who I had been, and now it’s my family they’re bagging on. I can’t stand it. Luckily, neither can they.

“We just came by to say . . . you know . . .” Ella trails off.

“But we can’t stay.” Beth is sharper. Trevor comes to stand next to me and takes my hand in his. Beth’s eyes follow all of this, narrowing. “Seems like you’ve got all you need, huh?” she asks quietly, turning and yanking Ella with her as they leave.

“What was that all about?” Trevor asks, rubbing my arms as I shudder.

“Nothing,” I say, forcing a smile. Trevor knows me, knows my smile is false, but he won’t push it, not here.

“Let’s go eat,” I say, thanking him with my eyes for dropping it. I’m chilled now, and some of the light has gone out of the day that started so great. Because somewhere in Beth’s eyes was a promise, and I don’t think it was a promise of anything good.

The first day of school, senior year—which means this is my thirteenth year of having a first day of school, so I shouldn’t be nervous, right? Especially when my changing schools almost yearly is taken into account. I’d always had the buffer of my toughness, my difference—until this year. Hence, the nerves.

Today I’m showing up to school like any other girl—jeans and T-shirt, non-descript hair and makeup. Plain. This terrifies me. Trevor had wanted to pick me up and drive me to school, but I knew that I needed to do this alone. So now here I am, kicking myself for being stupidly stubborn when I could have at least had
that
comfort.

“Jen! How’re ya doin’?”

I turn around to see Brian waving at me. He seems a little unsure—I guess he’s wondering if I want him to talk to me at school. It’s one thing in Trev’s basement when we’re watching movies, but school is another thing. I nearly sag in relief at the familiar face.

“Hey, Brian,” I say back, walking over to him.

“You look nice,” he says, trying not to sound surprised but failing miserably.

“Yeah, nice,” a familiar voice mocks from behind me. I turn to see Beth there, looking me up and down distastefully, like gum she wants to peel off the bottom of her shoe. “You almost look like . . .” Her eyes come up to mine and I can see the anger burning bright. “A cheerleader,” she spits out. “See you around,
Jennifer
.”

She walks away as my cheeks flame, and I turn back to Brian, whose eyes are round with alarm. I feel an overwhelming need to apologize to him on behalf of all of the people I have treated like that over the years. I open my mouth, but no sound comes out.