Get Smart 4 - Max Smart and the Perilous Pellets (12 page)

Operator:
Your party does not answer, sir.

Max:
Oh, all right, if you want to be that way about it. Chief? Still there?

Chief:
Give me your report, Max.

Operator:
Coax me, Max.

Max:
Here’s the way things stand, Chief. We have successfully planted the explosive inside KAOS’s training school and we are now proceeding toward our next objective, KAOS’s Old Agents Home. Do you have any word of the opposition?

Operator:
Just a word from you, Max, and all will be forgiven.

Chief:
I think I have good news, Max. Your decision to skip lunch was apparently a master stroke. The KAOS agent has not yet been observed at Control’s Old Agents Home. So, evidently, the race is neck and neck again.

Operator:
Chief, you talk to him. Try to get him to make up.

Max:
That
is
good news, Chief. I have full confidence now that we will win out in this race against the forces of evil.

Operator:
Max . . . I’ll do something desperate!

Chief:
There’s one thing, Max . . . It’s bad news. I was saving it for last.

Operator:
I’ll stub my toe, Max. And I’ll reject all medical attention. And gangrene will set in.

Max:
I think I can take it, Chief. What is the bad news?

Operator
(frantic): Maxie, Maxie, speak to me!

Chief:
We have intercepted a coded message from KAOS headquarters, Max. It seems that KAOS has discovered that you are being transported on your mission by helicopter. And—

Operator:
Last chance, Max! Speak to me!

Max:
How did KAOS discover that fact, Chief?

Chief:
KAOS decoded one of our coded messages, Max. And, the upshot is that KAOS has sent its air force to intercept you.

Operator:
I’ll stick my head in a glass of water and drown myself, Max! Honest!

Max:
I’m not too worried about that, Chief. After all, we have Lance Chalfont, silent birdman, piloting our plane.

Operator:
Lance . . . are you there? Tell Max to speak to me! Tell him if he doesn’t, I’ll do something terrible. Tell him I’ll plug myself into the switchboard and electrocute myself!

Chief:
Well, I wish I could be of help, Max. But all I can do is tell you to watch out for those KAOS interceptors.

Max:
Don’t worry, Chief. I’m sure that Lance Chalfont can handle the situation. I’ll report in again when I have something to report in.

Chief:
Good luck, Max.

Max:
All right now, Operator. What were you saying?

Operator
(indignantly): I’m not speaking to you!

(Click!)

Max hung up his shoe.

“What is it, Max?” 99 said.

“Bad, 99.”

“But what is it?”

“The Operator isn’t speaking to me any more.”

“Oh.”

“Did I hear you speak my name during that conversation?” Lance Chalfont said to Max.

“Yes, you did, Lance,” Max replied. “That’s the other bad news. The Chief advised me that KAOS has sent its air force to intercept us. But I told him that I wasn’t worried—because we have Lance Chalfont, silent birdman, as our pilot. I was sure that you would know how to handle the situation.”

“Bail out!” Lance Chalfont screamed. “Hit the silk!”

“Isn’t that a little loud for a silent birdman?” Max commented.

“I panic easy,” Lance Chalfont replied, regaining his calm. “But it don’t last. Once that first panic is passed, I get like a rock.”

“Strong and sturdy, you mean.”

“No, I mean I can’t swim. I sink like a rock. Say,” he said, “did the Chief say what them KAOS interceptors looked like?”

“No, he didn’t mention that.”

“I wonder if they look like a bunch of swoopin’ birds,” Lance Chalfont said.

“Possibly. Why do you ask?”

Lance Chalfont pointed out the front window. “Up there! Don’t that look like a bunch of swoopin’ birds?”

Max and 99 looked.

“It’s them!” Max cried.

“Bail out!” Lance Chalfont screamed. “Quick, hit the silk!”

“They’re diving on us!” 99 shouted.

“That’s funny,” Max mused. “They’re not getting any larger. Wouldn’t you think that—”

“False alarm,” Lance Chalfont broke in. “It’s nothin’ but a bunch of swoopin’ birds.”

The birds swooped by.

Max looked around the plane. “What do we have to defend ourselves with?” he said.

“Look in that tin box back there,” Lance Chalfont said. “You’ll find a jar of bread crumbs.”

“Bread crumbs?”

“Best defense there is against swoopin’ birds,” Lance Chalfont replied. “They leave the plane alone and go after the bread crumbs.”

“I had in mind defending ourselves against the KAOS interceptors,” Max explained.

“In a case like that, you dump out the bread crumbs and throw the jar,” Lance Chalfont replied.

“Max,” 99 said, “maybe there’s something in the black bag that we can use. Surely, R & D sent along some sort of a weapon.”

“I think I’ll check the black bag,” Max replied. “It’s just possible that R & D sent along some sort of a weapon.”

“Good thinking, Max.”

Max opened the black bag. The first item he took from it looked like a cigarette holder.

“That’s odd,” Max said.

“What, Max?”

“This cigarette holder has a trigger on it. Oh . . . here, I see. Actually, it’s a 20 mm. cannon.”

“It isn’t big enough to be a 20 mm. cannon, Max.”

“It’s a miniature 20 mm. cannon.”

“Oh. That makes sense.”

“This is the answer,” Max said. “When those KAOS interceptors show up, we’ll knock them right out of the sky with this 20 mm. cannon.”

“Is it loaded, Max?”

“If it’s loaded,” Max added.

“You better try it just to make sure,” 99 said.

“I’ll try it just to make sure,” Max nodded, pointing the cigarette holder out the open doorway. He pulled the trigger.

Just as Max fired the cannon, Lance Chalfont turned in his seat to watch. But he forgot to loosen his grip on the steering mechanism. Consequently, the helicopter tipped on its side, and the cannon shell shot straight up into the air.

“I see it!” 99 cried, looking up.

“Up, up, up!” Max commented approvingly.

“Yup,” Lance Chalfont said. “And now it’s spent and it’s turnin’ around and comin’ down, down, down.”

“That proves that the cannon is loaded,” Max said. “We’re all set to meet those KAOS interceptors.”

At that instant there was a crashing sound.

“Was that anything we should worry about?” Max asked Lance Chalfont.

“I guess a little frettin’ wouldn’t do no harm,” Lance Chalfont replied. “That cannon shell just passed through our gas tank.” He pointed. “If you look at it from just the right angle, you can see the gasoline pourin’ out of the tank.”

Max looked. “Ummmm, yes. That is interesting—considering that this is an atom-powered helicopter. Lucky for us it’s nothing to worry about.”

“I guess it just wouldn’t do no harm to worry a little bit, too, on top of the frettin’,” Lance Chalfont said. “When all that gasoline runs out, the engine is gonna stop. And when the engine stops, we’re gonna fall right out of the sky.”

Max looked at him puzzledly. “But this is an atom-powered helicopter,” he said.

“What do you think them atoms run on, man? Gasoline!”

“Hadn’t we better land?” 99 said.

“I’ll look in the manual,” Lance Chalfont replied, reaching for a booklet that was hanging by a string to one of the control knobs. “It don’t do to panic in a situation like this. The thing to do is check the manual. It says so right in the manual.”

The engine began sputtering, and the helicopter began gradually descending.

Calmly, Lance Chalfont paged through the manual.

“Hurry!” 99 urged.

“I’m not sure what to look it up under,” Lance Chalfont replied. “I can’t find no heading for ‘What to do when somebody fires a 20 mm. cannon out the doorway and the shell goes up instead of out and then comes down and blasts a hole right through the gas tank.’ ”

“Look under ‘W’ for ‘What’,” Max suggested.

“Oh, yeah, here it is!”

“What does it say!” 99 cried.

“It says, ‘Land!’ ”

At that instant, the helicopter bumped to a spine-jarring landing.

“Lucky we had the manual,” Lance Chalfont smiled. “Otherwise, we’d’ve never made it.”

Max looked out the doorway. “Apparently we landed in a jungle,” he said. “That means that we’re miles and miles from civilization. It also means that we will be unable to repair the helicopter and complete our mission. In other words, we have failed. Control is doomed!”

“Look on the bright side,” Lance Chalfont said. “The bread crumbs wasn’t harmed. We won’t have to worry about no swoopin’ birds.”

Max stared gloomily at the thick foliage surrounding the plane. “Lost in the vast wastes of Nowhere!” he groaned.

99 cocked her head. “Max . . . don’t I hear voices?”

Max listened. “As a matter of fact . . .”

At that moment, an African stepped out of the jungle. He was accompanied by a woman and three small children. They were dressed in casual wear.

“Saved!” 99 cried.

“Hold on there,” Lance Chalfont said. “These may be some of them six-foot pygmies. Better let me handle this. I got experience.” He stepped from the helicopter and approached the Africans. “We tumble out sky in great silver bird,” he said. “You savvy?”

The woman and the children looked at the helicopter curiously. And the man addressed Lance Chalfont. “Are you talking about that red helicopter?” he asked.

“Rightum. Red helicopter, great silver bird. What place this?”

“You’re in luck,” the man replied. “You landed in Burundi National Park. Did your engine conk out?”

“Great silver bird lose-um gasoline,” Lance Chalfont replied.

The man looked puzzled. “Really? Isn’t that one of the new atom-powered models?”

“What-um you think-um atoms run on? Gasoline!”

“Well, I have an extra container of gasoline in my car,” the man said. “You may have it.”

At that moment, Max stepped forward. “We appreciate that,” he said. “But we also have another problem. Our gas tank has two holes in it.”

The man looked past him at the helicopter. “20 mm. shells?” he guessed.

“Exactly,” Max replied. “Now, if we—”

“Hold on there,” Lance Chalfont broke in. “You can’t get nowhere talkin’ to this native like that,” he said to Max. “You got to speak the lingo. Let me handle it.” He addressed the man again. “Is these pygmies safe to have around-um?” he said, indicating the children. “The last time I come up against a bunch-um of pygmies they durn near done me in-um.”

“These are the children,” the man explained. “My wife and I are taking them on a picnic.”

Lance Chalfont turned to Max. “Hear that? Picnic. Food. We’re up against a bunch of cannibals, fella. You run back to the plane and get the bread crumbs. Bread crumbs’ll distract a cannibal almost as quick as a swoopin’ bird.”

“You go get the bread crumbs,” Max said. “I’ll stay here and try to find out if there’s a helicopter repair shop anywhere near by.”

“Be right back!” Lance Chalfont said, dashing toward the plane.

“No, there isn’t a helicopter repair shop near by,” the man said to Max as Lance Chalfont departed. “But I have a suggestion. You might plug those holes with coconuts. Naturally, it would be only a temporary solution, but, at least, it would get you back to civilization.”

“How far is civilization from here?” Max asked.

“Oh, about a mile and a half. It starts just outside the park.”

Lance Chalfont came rushing back. “I got the bread crumbs,” he said. “You still in one piece?”

“Why wouldn’t I be?” Max asked.

“I thought maybe you might’ve offered to shake hands and that fella bit it off.” He held up the jar of bread crumbs. “Don’t that look yummy?” he said to the children.

Shyly, they drew back.

“Thank you, anyway,” the woman said to Lance Chalfont. “But I don’t want them to spoil their lunch.”

“Take cover!” Lance Chalfont cried. “They got us on the menu!” He raced back toward the plane.

“He panics easily,” Max explained to the man.

“I think-um him a little bit off-um his nut,” the man smiled.

“And speaking of nuts,” Max said, “where would I find a coco?”

The man led Max into the jungle and showed him a coconut tree. There were coconuts on the ground, and Max selected two and carried them back to the plane.

Just as Max was completing the job of plugging up the holes in the tank, the man reappeared, carrying an emergency can of gasoline. He emptied it into the tank.

“Good—no leakage,” Max smiled. He thanked the man for helping him, then got back aboard the helicopter.

“It’s a ghost!” Lance Chalfont shrieked, hiding his head in the tin box that had once held the jar of bread crumbs.

“He thinks you were eaten by the cannibals, Max,” 99 explained.

“I’m not a ghost,” Max assured Lance Chalfont. “But I will be if those KAOS interceptors find us sitting here on the ground, defenseless. Let’s get out of here.”

Lance Chalfont straightened up. “How’d you get away from them cannibals?” he asked.

“I simply asked them to help us.”

“That’s kind of hard to believe,” Lance Chalfont replied.

“Would you believe that the cannibal chief was carrying an emergency can of gasoline in his car and that he gave it to us?”

“That’s far-fetched as all get out.”

“Would you believe, then, that I plugged up the holes in the tank with coconuts?”

“I’d believe it if you told me the whole terrible experience has affected your mind,” Lance Chalfont replied.

“All right then, believe that,” Max said. “And have pity on me and get back at the controls and fly this helicopter out of here.”

“I guess that’d be the kind thing to do,” Lance Chalfont agreed.

He settled in the pilot’s seat, started the engine, and took off.

As the helicopter rose, Lance Chalfont smiled, impressed. “Ain’t it a marvel what kindness will do?” he said. “It’s flyin’ this helicopter just like it had gas in it.”