Get Smart 4 - Max Smart and the Perilous Pellets (13 page)

“It’s better than that,” Max said. “It also plugged up the holes with coconuts.”

“Sakes alive!” Lance Chalfont said in wonder.

A few hours later, Lance Chalfont pointed out the front window and cried, “Thar she blows!”

“Where?” Max said.

“Right down there! A whale! See it!”

“Oh, yes,” Max replied. “But we’re looking for Minnesota. I don’t think you’ll find it in the middle of the ocean.”

“Is that the ocean?” Lance Chalfont said, disappointed. “I thought that was one of the Great Lakes.”

“How could you make a mistake like that?”

“It’s full of water,” Lance Chalfont replied. “That’s what I go by.”

“Then
keep
going,” Max said. “You’ll know Minnesota when you get to it. It’s the second state over from the state that looks like a poodle sitting up on its hind legs and begging.”

“Oh,
that
one!”

“Max,” 99 said, “when we reach the KAOS Old Agents Home do you have any plan for getting inside?”

“Not as yet,” Max replied. “But something will occur to me. Let’s take a look at the fact sheet. ”

99 got a sheaf of papers from the black bag and handed it to him. “We’re probably a little young to pose as old agents,” she said.

“Yes . . . unless we could convince them that we’re in our second childhood.”

“I knew a fella once that was in his second childhood,” Lance Chalfont said. “He was 99 years old. But he had everybody believin’ that he was only 66.”

“How did he do it?” Max asked.

“He stood on his head.”

“Pardon?”

“Stood on his head,” Lance Chalfont replied. “You turn 99 upside down, and it looks like 66.”

“I see,” Max nodded, turning his attention back to the fact sheet.

“I got a lot of stories like that,” Lance Chalfont said. “Ever hear about the fella who was 66 years old and wanted folks to think he was older? Know what he did?”

“Stood on his head?”

Lance Chalfont turned to Max, surprised. “You knew that fella, too, eh?”

“Will you excuse us, please?” Max said. “We want to study the fact sheet.

“Max! Look!” 99 said, peering over Max’s shoulder. “On the fact sheet it says that the KAOS Old Agents Home isn’t really an old agents home. It’s a cover for KAOS’s Secret Medical Experiments Hospital.”

“Hmmmm,” Max hmmmmed, interested. “Unless I miss my guess, it’s where KAOS conducts its secret medical experiments. That’s quite a coincidence. As you know, 99, Control’s Old Agents Home isn’t an old agents home either. It’s where Control conducts its secret medical experiments.”

“I know, Max.”

“You know what, 99?”

“That Control’s Old Agents Home isn’t really—”

“Thar she blows!” Lance Chalfont called out, interrupting.

“What this time?” Max asked.

“That state that looks like a poodle,” Lance Chalfont replied. “We’ll be over Minniehaha any minute now.”

“You mean we’ll be over Minnesota any minnie now,” Max corrected.

“T
HE QUESTION
now is how to get inside,” Max said, as the helicopter hovered over the complex of buildings that was supposed to be KAOS’s Old Agents Home, but which was really its hospital for conducting scientific medical experiments.

“Max, I think I have an idea,” 99 said. “Why don’t we pose as salesmen?”

Max shook his head. “That couldn’t possibly work, 99.”

“Why not, Max?”

“Because you’re a woman. How could you pose as a sales
man?
No one would ever believe it.”

“Then how about this, Max? You could pose as a salesman, and I could pose as a sales
woman
.”

Max thought a moment. “That’s closer to the mark, 99,” he said. “But it still wouldn’t work. What would a hospital want with a set of Junior Encyclopedias?”

“Max, salesmen sell other things besides encyclopedias. We could pose as salesmen for a drug manufacturer. In fact, we could say that our explosives are really wonder pills, and that we’re giving away free samples. That way, we could get the explosives planted in the hospital.”

Max shook his head. “I don’t like it, 99.”

“Why not, Max?” 99 asked, disappointed.

“Because it’s a brilliant idea, that’s why. And I’m the senior agent, and I’m supposed to think up the brilliant ideas.”

“Max,” 99 smiled, “it’s really
your
idea. I put it together from things you said. For instance, when you said ‘encyclopedia,’ that made me think of wonder pill.”

“I don’t quite get the connection, 99.”

“Well, who knows what a wonder pill is? And, if there’s something you don’t know, where do you go to look it up?”

“Encyclopedia.”

“Right, Max. See? It’s all
your
idea, not mine.”

“And a brilliant idea it is, too—even if I did think of it,” Max said. He turned to Lance Chalfont. “Land us on that road that leads to the hospital,” he said. “We’ll approach it on foot.”

“On feet, you mean,” Lance Chalfont said. “You go approachin’ that hospital on one foot, the both of you, and they’ll toss you straight into a padded cell.”

“All right, have it your way, we’ll approach it on feet. But land, so we can get started. There’s no time to waste.”

Lance Chalfont landed the plane on the road, and Max and 99 got out, with Max carrying the black satchel.

“Wait right here,” Max said. “This won’t take long. Since we’ll be posing as salesmen, I’m sure they’ll be anxious to take our free samples and get rid of us. No one likes to have a salesman hanging around. Especially not after they’ve loaded up on free samples. They keep expecting to be asked to buy something.”

“Suppose somebody comes along?” Lance Chalfont said. “Won’t it look a little funny, a helicopter sittin’ right here in the middle of the road?”

“Tell them you’re out of gas,” Max suggested.

“An atom-powered helicopter? Who ever heard of an atom-powered helicopter runnin’ on gas?”

“Then tell them you’re out of atoms,” Max said. He turned to 99. “Are you ready, 99?”

“Ready, Max. Is your foot ready?”

“My foot?”

“To put in the door, Max. A salesman always puts his foot in the door.”

“Well, all right, if that’s how it’s done. I just hope I don’t break my telephone. The Operator would be furious.”

Max and 99 walked up the road. A few minutes later, they reached the gate. The sentry snapped to attention.

“Good afternoon,” Max smiled. “We’re—”

“I know who you are, Doctor,” the sentry replied. He stepped aside so that they could pass. “The welcoming committee is waiting to welcome you,” he replied.

“I don’t think you understand,” Max said. “We—”

“Here comes the welcoming committee now,” the sentry interrupted.

Max and 99 looked toward the hospital building and saw a group of doctors approaching.

“I knew it was bound to happen some day,” Max said. “Here come the men in the white coats.”

99 whispered to him. “Max, I think they think we’re somebody else.”

“We are,” Max whispered back. “We’re salesmen.”

“No, Max. I think—”

“Welcome, Doctor!” the leader of the group called. “I am Dr. Medulla, the famous brain doctor.” He then introduced his colleagues. “This is Dr. H. Nail, the famous finger doctor . . . and Dr. Stubble, the famous chin doctor . . . and Dr. Ache, the famous ear doctor . . . and Dr. Water, the famous knee doctor . . . and, last and least, our intern, Dr. Foot.”

“How do you do,” Max nodded. “Now . . . who am I?”

Dr. Medulla laughed heartily. “We all know who you are, Doctor,” he said. “At least, we know you by reputation. The finest all-’round surgeon in the world, that’s who you are. Although we weren’t sure at first.”

“Oh?” Max replied.

“When we saw your helicopter land down the road, we were a little suspicious,” Dr. Medulla said. “But then we saw the little black bag you were carrying and we knew you were a doctor.” He frowned. “Incidentally, why did you park your helicopter down the road?”

“Ah . . . would you believe that it’s out of gas?” Max asked.

“An atom-powered helicopter? Hardly.”

‘Then would you believe that it’s out of atoms?”

Dr. Medulla shook his head. “Far-fetched.”

“Would you believe, then, that we landed it down the road because it’s too noisy to be landed in a Hospital Zone?”

“Well, if we had any patients here that would make sense,” Dr. Medulla replied.

“You have no patients?”

“Only you-know-who,” Dr. Medulla smiled.

“I do? Who do I know who?”

“You know who you know who,” Dr. Medulla grinned. He indicated 99. “I see you brought your nurse with you,” he said. “That was wise. Our nurses might not be able to assist you. They’re very fine nurses, of course. But they aren’t familiar with the techniques you employ.”

“No, they probably aren’t,” Max replied.

“Well, shall we go inside?” Dr. Medulla said. “You would probably like to meet the patient.”

“You-know-who?”

“Of course I know who. We all know who.”

The whole group, including Max and 99, walked toward the main building.

“Dr. Medulla, I have a confession to make,” Max said.

“Yes?”

“Well, you know how we brilliant doctors are . . . a little absent-minded sometimes.”

“Indeed I do,” Dr. Medulla replied. “In fact, I practice absent-mindedness every morning for a half-hour. I hope to be a brilliant doctor myself some day.”

“Yes. Well, you’ll understand then how it is that I don’t seem to recall why I’m here.”

“Perfectly understandable,” Dr. Medulla nodded. “It’s the ultimate proof of how brilliant you are. We run-of-the-mill doctors always know why we’re where we are.” He lowered his voice, speaking to Max confidentially. “But I’m improving,” he said. “Last week, I forgot completely that I’m a brain doctor. I took out two livers, a half-dozen spleens and an appendix before I remembered. That’s progress, eh?”

“Obviously, you have the makings of a great doctor,” Max replied. “But, at the moment, that’s no help to me. Perhaps you could tell me—why am I here?”

“To conduct our latest experimental operation.”

“Oh, yes, I think it’s all coming back to me. Now, if you’ll just fill in a few details . . .”

“Well, you know about the human robot that R & D developed.”

“Of course I know about the human robot that R & D developed. Tell me about it.”

“Well, to make a long story short, R & D has developed a human robot,” Dr. Medulla explained. “This human robot is really a robot, of course. But it looks human. Therefore, it’s called a human robot.”

“Yes, I’m fully aware of that,” Max said. “Now, why am I here?”

“To operate on the human robot.”

“I see. To take out its mechanical appendix, I suppose.”

Dr. Medulla laughed. “Very funny, Doctor. But you are not here to take out. You are here to put in.”

“Oh, to put
in
its mechanical appendix. Well, that ought to make medical history of some sort.”

“No, Doctor, to put in the Super Boom.”

“Yes, yes, now I remember,” Max said. “It’s all coming back. There’s just one little detail that still eludes me. What
is
the Super Boom?”

“That’s the explosive that you will put into the human robot,” Dr. Medulla replied.

“Permanently—or just for temporary safekeeping?” Max asked, as they entered the building and proceeded along a corridor.

“That depends on the world,” Dr. Medulla smiled.

“Oh.”

“The Super Boom is the most destructive explosive ever developed,” Dr. Medulla went on. “After you have implanted the Super Boom in the human robot, the human robot will be released. It will wander off, no one knows where. Then KAOS will announce to the world that the human robot, carrying the Super Boom, is at large.”

“That’ll cause some head-shaking,” Max commented.

“The Super Boom can be detonated from anywhere,” Dr. Medulla said. “It won’t matter where the human robot roams to, we can still set off the explosive. And, if we do set off the explosive, it will destroy the whole world. But—”

“Yes?”

“But, for one hundred million dollars, we will promise
not
to detonate the explosive.”

“That seems reasonable enough,” Max said.

“Yes, we set the price low because, actually, we don’t want to set off the explosive and destroy the whole world.”

“Oh? Why not?”

Dr. Medulla lowered his voice again. “One of our junior executives has pointed out that we’re part of the world,” he explained. “If we blow up the world, we’ll blow ourselves up, too. That’s the one weak spot in our plan. Don’t let it get out.”

“No one will hear it from me,” Max promised.

They had reached a room. Dr. Medulla opened the door, then led the party inside. On a stretcher was a human robot.

“That fellow looks familiar,” Max frowned.

“Of course,” Dr. Medulla smiled. “He was designed to look exactly like the average citizen. He’ll look familiar to everybody. Clever, eh?”

“Very clever,” Max replied. “But what’s the point of it?”

“Preventive thinking,” Dr. Medulla said. “When we send the human robot out into the world, then make our demand for one hundred million dollars, we are bound to make some enemies. In fact, the whole world will probably unite against us. We will be taken prisoner. We will be tortured. The world will demand to know where the human robot is, so that it can be destroyed.”

“But you won’t tell,” Max said.

“Oh, we would gladly tell, if we were being tortured. But we won’t know. So we won’t be able to tell.”

“Yes, but that doesn’t explain why you made the robot in the image of the average man.”

“Well, when the world finds out that we don’t know where the human robot is, it will say, ‘All right, we’ll find him ourselves. Describe him.’ ”

“And you’ll reply—”

“We’ll say, ‘Oh, he looks like the average man.’ Among all the average-looking men in the world, let them try to find a human robot that looks like the average man!”

“By Harry, that
is
clever!” Max said.

“Are you ready to operate, Doctor?” Dr. Medulla said.

“Not quite,” Max replied. “I find that an operation has a much greater chance of succeeding if I develop a personal relationship with the patient before I begin cutting.”