Get Smart 5 - Missed It By That Much! (14 page)

“A-ha! We knew you’d come down sooner or later!” he said.

“Come down?” Max said.

“Thought you could escape by blowing yourselves sky-high, eh?” the new leader said. “Well, it didn’t work. Now, line up! We promised you an execution, and you’re going to get it!”

“Well, I guess this is it, 99,” Max said. “Our luck has run out. All we can do is line up. Now, let’s see, how shall we do this—alphabetically?”

“How about according to height?” Hassan said, “I’ll stand in the rear.”

“I don’t think that would be quite fair, Hassan,” Max said. “If you were standing in the rear, you’d be behind 99 and me, and the executioners wouldn’t be able to see you.”

“That’s the breaks,” Hassan smiled.

“No, alphabetically, I think, is fairer all around. Let’s see, now . . . ‘H’ for ‘Hassan’ comes first. Then . . . mmmmm . . . which is next in the alphabet, ‘S’ for ‘Smart’ or ‘9’ for ‘99’?” Shaking his head, he turned to the new leader. “I’m afraid this isn’t going to work. Letters and numbers just don’t mix. The execution will have to be called off.”

“No, just a minute,” the new leader said. “I think we can work something out. How about lining up according to age?”

“Never!” 99 said. “I’d rather die than tell my age!”

The new leader sniffed the air. “What’s that?”

“Would you believe a lightning bolt?” Max said.

The new leader cocked an ear. “I think you’re right. I hear thunder.”

“That’s a stampede,” Max said. “In a very few minutes, a pack of fear-stricken jungle animals will come charging through this camp, destroying everything and everyone in its path. So, if you’re going to hold an execution, you’d better get on with it, before we’re all killed.”

“There’s the problem about lining up,” the new leader reminded him.

“It’s been my experience,” Max said, “that a problem is a problem only if you make it a problem. Now, if you’d just tell your men to go ahead and shoot, I think the problem of lining up would take care of itself.”

“I’ll try it,” the new leader said. “But, frankly, it sounds like only a temporary solution to me.” He turned to his men. “Ready! Aim!” He looked around puzzledly. “Men? Where are you?”

Max pointed. “Are those your men? The fellows racing toward the jungle, holding their noses?”

“Men! Come back!” the new leader called. “Running away won’t solve the problem!”

“I don’t think they can hear you over the thunder of the stampede,” Max said.

The new leader went chasing after them. “Wait! Wait! You’re supposed to be the followers—
I’m
supposed to be the leader!”

Max, 99 and Hassan dashed toward the jungle, too, using the trail being blazed by the fleeing revolutionaries. Behind them the thunder of hoofs grew louder.

There was a ringing sound.

Hopping on one foot, Max removed his shoe.

Max:
86, here.

Voice (female):
Congratulations, Mr. 86! You have just won ten free dance lessons!

Max:
Gee! That’s wonderful. But, at the moment, I’m afraid I won’t be able to take advantage of it. You see, I’m being chased by a stampede of fear-stricken jungle animals.

Voice:
That
is
too bad. But is there anyone else there who might be interested in ten free dance lessons? It’s a wonderful opportunity. All you have to do to get your free lessons is sign up for an additional five hundred paid lessons, at a nominal cost of only three hundred and twenty-two thousand dollars. Where can you beat a deal like that?

Max:
Hold on a moment, please.

Max turned to 99. “99, are you interested in free dance lessons?”

“Gee, I don’t know, Max?” 99 replied. “What dances do they teach?”

“I didn’t ask. Why don’t you talk to the girl, 99. She can probably answer your questions.” He took off his other shoe and handed it to 99. “You can use the extension,” he said.

99:
Hello? What was it now about dance lessons?

Voice:
Congratulations, Mrs. 86! You’ve—

99:
No, no, I’m not Mrs. 86. I’m 99.

Voice:
Congratulations, Mrs. 99! You’ve just won ten free dance lessons. And all it will cost you is three hundred and twenty-two thousand dollars.

99:
Oh, well, that lets me out. I just couldn’t afford it.

Voice:
Mr. 86? Are you still there? Do you have any friends who aren’t cheap?

Max:
Miss, I’m afraid I’m going to have to hang up now. I think I mentioned that we’re being pursued by a pack of fear-stricken jungle animals.

Voice:
Oh. Well, then, look, could you do me a favor? Put one of the animals on.

Max hung up and put his shoes back on.

“Max! Up ahead!” 99 said. “The bridge! The Peace Corpsmen must have rebuilt it!”

“And just in time,” Max said. “Apparently our luck hasn’t deserted us.”

As Max, 99 and Hassan rushed up to the bridge, they were met by the Peace Corpsmen. “How does it look?” the leader said proudly.

“Like it was built by a drop-out from the Massachusetts College of Dentistry,” Max replied. “Is it safe?”

“It must be,” the leader replied. “A bunch of people in flowing white robes just crossed it, and, after that, a bunch of followers, who were followed by their leader. It held them.”

“That’s good enough for me,” Max said. “99, Hassan—let’s go.”

“Max . . . shouldn’t you tell them about the stampede?”

“Oh . . . yes. Look, fellas,” Max said, “there’s something I think you ought to know. In a very few minutes, a pack of fear-stricken wild animals is going to come charging through here.”

“Nice of you to mention it,” the leader smiled.

“You’d better get out of here,” Max said.

“No, thank you, we’ll stay.”

“Fellas, I realize how dedicated you are,” Max said. “But isn’t this carrying dedication a bit too far?”

“It isn’t that,” the leader said. “You see, the only way to escape is across that bridge.”

“Yes . . . ?”

“We’d rather face a stampede of fear-stricken wild animals than risk our lives on a bridge built by a drop-out from the Massachusetts College of Dentistry,” the leader explained. “We figure our chances for survival will be better.”

Again, 99 tugged at Max’s sleeve. “Max . . . the stampede is getting closer!”

“Coming, 99!”

The three rushed onto the bridge, headed for the opposite bank of the river. But as they reached the center of the span they heard a splintering sound. An instant later the bridge collapsed, and they hurtled downward toward the river.

“There’s a lesson in this, 99,” Max said. “Never cross a bridge that a bridge-builder won’t cross.”

“In my country, we have a saying,” Hassan said. “When the cuckoo flies west, it’s time for Polly to put the kettle on.”

“I don’t think I quite understand that, Hassan,” Max said.

“Polly is a girl who lives out West,” Hassan explained.

“Yes, I got that part of it. But the cuckoo?”

“Oh. She cooks cuckoos in a kettle.”

“Yes, I guessed that. But what I don’t get is the connection between Polly and cooked cuckoos and this bridge.”

“Any dumb dame who would be nutty enough to think she could get a cuckoo to fly into a kettle of boiling water would also be crazy enough to cross a bridge that a bridge-builder wouldn’t cross.”

“You see, 99,” Max said. “Sometimes at first these old sayings don’t seem to make sense. But if you examine them closely—”

At that instant they landed on something solid.

“The water’s a little hard in these parts,” Max complained.

“Max! We landed on the back of a hippopotamus!” 99 cried. “And, look, he’s swimming upstream! We’re saved!”

But the hippo immediately submerged. And Max, 99 and Hassan found themselves floundering in the water.

“We have a saying in our country,” Hassan groaned. “Never yell ‘We’re saved!’ when you’re riding on the back of a hippopotamus.”

“Max! We’re being swept toward the falls!” 99 cried.

“Lucky for us, 99! Because the crocodiles are bearing down on us from the other direction!”

A moment later, Max, 99 and Hassan were swept over the waterfall. They jumped to their feet and ran toward the opposite shore, and reached dry land just in time. For the stampeding animals had arrived at the river and were swimming across.

“Hassan, exactly how far is Provo, Utah, from here?” Max said.

“It doesn’t matter,” Hassan replied. “We’ll never make it.”

“He’s right, Max!” 99 wailed. “All is lost!”

“Hassan! 99! We can’t quit! Run!”

They dived into the underbrush. Behind them, once more, they heard the thunder of hoofs.

“Max! It’s too late!” 99 screamed. “We’ll be trampled—Max? Max, where are you?”

“Look down, 99.”

99 looked down. And saw Max looking up—from the bottom of a deep pit.

“Max . . . isn’t that the pit we dug to trap Whitestone?”

“Yes, 99, I think it is. But it probably isn’t essential right now that we definitely identify the pit. Suppose it turned out that this
isn’t
the same pit? We would still be faced with the same problem—namely, getting me out of here.”

“Good thinking, Max. Here . . . I’ll reach you my hand. Hassan,” she called, “hold onto me.”

99 reached a hand into the pit. Hassan held onto her.

And Max pulled them both into the pit with him.

“It didn’t work, Max,” 99 said.

“I wouldn’t exactly say that, 99. It worked. It just didn’t work in the way we had planned.”

“We have a saying in my country,” Hassan said. “Oi! What a development!”

“Yes, it’s a pretty kettle of fish, all right,” Max said. “In a very few minutes, those wild animals are going to come charging through here, fall into this pit, and land right on top of us. Our pretty kettle of fish is going to be a pretty pit of lions, tigers, elephants, jackals, and hippopotamuseseses.”

“Max, maybe there’s still time to escape,” 99 said. She made a cup of her hands. “I’ll give you a boost up—the way we did it last time.”

“99, that was the
last
time. This time, I think it would be proper to observe the niceties. Ladies first. I’ll give
you
a boost up.”

“Max, there isn’t time for that!” 99 said anxiously.

“99, I don’t like to be picky, but let’s examine this closely. Now, the object of one or the other of us giving the other a boost up is to save our lives—right? And, if we save our lives, we’ll—as the saying goes—live—right? But, 99, what kind of a life would it be for me if I had to live with the knowledge that I gained my life at the sacrifice of the niceties? I couldn’t sleep nights, 99, thinking about it. And I doubt very much that, after that, you could honestly respect me. Oh, you’d pretend, I know. You’d—”

“Max—”

“Yes, 99?”

“Max, don’t be picky. Nobody likes a picky secret agent.”

“All right, 99, give me a boost up.”

99 cupped her hands again.

“Just a moment,” Hassan said. “Shouldn’t I go first? This is
your
pit, you know. So, in a sense, I’m only a guest here. In my country, a guest always goes first.”

“He’s right, 99,” Max said. “I think if we examine this closely—”

“I don’t care who goes first!” 99 shrieked. “But somebody—GO!”

Hassan put a foot in 99’s cupped hands. “On the count of three!” he said.

“Three!” 99 yelled. She shoved.

But Hassan wasn’t ready. He did a loop-de-loop and tumbled back into the pit, landing on Max. There was a psssssssht! sound. Plastic spray shot into the air, and instantly hardened, forming a cover over the pit. A second later there was another sound—the sound of pounding hoofs overhead.

“It’s the stampeding animals!” 99 cried. “Max, we’re saved. That plastic cover kept the animals from falling into the pit on top of us!”

“Missed us by that much,” said Max holding his finger slightly apart from his thumb.

“Yes, I did it again,” Hassan smiled. “You can always depend on your experienced, dependable, trustworthy guide.”

“I think I can take a little credit for this one,” Max said. “After all, if I hadn’t been carrying that tube of plastic spray in my back pocket, this wouldn’t have happened when you landed on me.”

“It never fails,” Hassan said disgustedly. “Pass a miracle, and some total stranger always comes along and tries to claim the credit. It happened to Abkar Ben Gay, my own countryman, when he invented the electric light.”

“Abkar Ben Gay?” Max said. “Hassan, it was Thomas Edison who invented the electric light.”

“See? Some total stranger always comes along and claims the credit.”

“Now, look here, Hassan—”

“Max,” 99 interrupted, “it doesn’t matter. What’s important is, the stampede has passed us by. Now we can follow the scent of that terrible odor and find Dr. Livingstrom.”

“You’re right, 99. Give me a boost up, so I can lift the lid from this pit.”

Once more, 99 cupped her hands.

Max put his foot into her hands—but at that moment there was a ringing sound.

“99—will you get the phone, please,” Max said. “You’re holding it.”

“Max, in a minute.” She boosted him up. “Can you lift the cover?”

“Yes, 99—but the phone.”

The shoe rang again.

“Max, the phone will wait. Lift the cover.”

Max removed the cover from the pit, then crawled out. Leaning over the edge of the pit, he said, “99—will you please answer the phone.”

“Max, I don’t have it any more. It’s on your foot.”

“Oh . . . yes.”

Max took off his shoe. But when he put it to his ear all he heard was a dial tone.

“Who’s calling, Max?”

“I don’t know. Whoever it was hung up again.”

“Never mind, Max. Help us out.”

“99, do you suppose it was the same person who called me before and hung up? Or do you think this time it was someone else?”

“I don’t know, Max. But if it was important, whoever it was will call back.”

“That’s what you said the last time, 99.”

“Well . . . this time it was probably the person who called the last time calling back.”

“Then you think the call was important?”

“Max, I don’t know! Will you help us out, please!”