Getting by (A Knight's Tale) (21 page)

“Don’t call her that.” I slapped against the door. “You have no right.”

“Fine, Emma. Though you need to know that I never paid for sex, nor will I ever do that, babe.” I heard him taking a deep breath. “Chloe’s a sensitive subject for you, I get it. Now come out and let’s talk.”

“I don’t want to know.” There was no way I’d be talking with him about my sister. “Or maybe I do. Did she meet the girl you almost married and abandoned you at the altar? Is that the reason you do light and casual?”

“No, no lost love, now open.”

“You’re gay?”

“Really, Emma?”

“Bi?”

“Stop guessing and come out, now.”

“Married, a love child, or—”

“Emma, stop, please.” He began to fiddle with the door. “Open up or I’ll take this fucking door down. I’m not baring my soul through a door while you are inside a bathroom. No, I’m not married. Think about it. Your presence in my flat is evident. The fish deliveries still happen, a wife wouldn’t have allowed such, would she? We shared too much time together, where can I fit in a wife. And as for a child, if I had one, you would have met him or her. Now open or I’ll call the manager to open the door.”

“Talk.” I opened the door agape. “What on earth did Chloe know that I don’t?”

“Nothing.” He confused me more. “My leg.” He pointed to the leg he hurt while hiking the Alps. “I didn’t hurt it while hiking, I lied to you. No one knows exactly what happened to me, well I know part. Everyone involved during the attack died. At eighteen, after I finished college, an agency approached me. As far as the world knows, they don’t exist. They trained us to be spies, soldiers, pilots…and more. I was good, no, perfect.”

Not a sentence I wanted to hear, he was good meant everything ended. I opened the door headed to the bed, where I sat and used the headboard to support my back. I then patted the bed and asked him to join me. He sat next to me, and pulled me to him hugging my entire body with one arm. I rested my head on his shoulder and my hands on his torso. Whatever he was about to say wasn’t going to end pretty.

“I had people under my command from the day I graduated. We had many successful operations, but I lost a few good men. Some because they lost a limb, their sanity or just didn’t want to continue. I did. Three years later all the men under my command died, all except two. Every night I take five minutes—perhaps more—to go through the entire operation and what went wrong. What I did wrong. Don’t tell Mom, she thinks I moved on. I did, but not entirely. My men died, and it was my fault. Emma, because of some fucking miracle I survived. The short and sweet of it, babe, my second in command and the pilot saved me. They stayed behind, thank God. The doctors saved my leg, my family helped me with the recovery and I’m here. It took me a long time to recover physically, and more to recover emotionally. I won’t give you the gory details, but you’ll learn them later.

“The fact that I survived after I fucked up didn’t seem fair. It took me awhile to understand that destiny plays a big role in what happens to you, even when you fight it. They discharged me; too physically and mentally damaged to continue had been the verdict. I couldn’t be part of their elite group. And before you ask, tights weren’t part of the uniform. Chloe met me at my worst, Emma. We hate each other, and she called me cripple. I supported myself with a cane back then. It was a long journey from the time of the attack. It took me more than a year to walk without aids—crutches, then a cane—but with the help of my family and therapists I walked again. Once I became strong enough, my need to demonstrate that I could do what I used to and other factors, pushed me to open the surveillance and security company, gathering the best people that…well that’s something I can’t talk about. Anyway, after seeing her today….” I moved from his side and stared at him, while the tears stopped and I felt the blood drain to my feet. He saw her? That’s impossible. “Sorry, I meant her picture. I remembered you needed my story, baby, because you deserve to know as much as I can tell.”

For a long time I hugged him tight and didn’t say a word. Images of a wounded Jake made me scared. Not my Jacob Knight, he was indestructible. I tried not to cry, but I couldn’t hold back the tears. Yeah, he might not want a commitment, but he was a nice guy. And I cared so much about him,
so freaking hard.
I loved him.

“You’re still my hero,” I told him, and he held me tighter. “I’m sure you’re aware of that.”

“You fired me, Emma,” he responded, and glided his arm up and down my back gently. “When you discharged me, it hurt more than when they gave me the pink slip. Please, do me a favor Emma, tell me exactly why you ended this. No lies, or hidden agendas, just honesty. I remember you said no light and casual. Why?”

“I can’t, Jake.” I shook my head.

“Please,” he whispered quietly. The man bared his soul to me, kind of, and he deserved the truth.

“This explanation goes backwards, from the last drop until the…beginning, I guess. No interruptions.”

Chapter 25

Emma

“I WANT MORE; A family.” It was that simple. It was a short statement on my part to begin to unravel what I felt inside. “Almost four months ago, when Grampy got hurt, I forgot to take my pill, and I barely ate. It was hard. My only family was crumbling and I was alone. I threw myself more into work and forgot to eat and do the basics. My perfect period… I was late. But I didn’t panic, the thought of being pregnant kind of filled my heart a little.” The mix of all Grampy’s lectures had cushioned the fear and gave me some family-hope.

“Were you?” he asked. I didn’t see his face but he didn’t sound alarmed.

“No interruptions, I said, Pretty Boy.” I remembered the day I got my period, and a few tears appeared. “No, I wasn’t and I cried, because suddenly I realized I wanted everything—a family and babies. Grampy’s lectures had been going on, about me not having a support system, only them. What would happen if they died? They worry about my future. Since my parents died I’ve been by myself. That’s when I realized you and I couldn’t continue. I wanted more than—”

“A kiss goodnight.” I nodded. “A kiss good morning with the man who loves you?” he asked, and turned me toward him. “Time together in foreign locations and sharing everything but our pasts? Making love at night, morning and every other lunch time we could sneak? Me taking care of you even when you refused?”

“I said no interruptions, Jacob Knight.” He mouthed
sorry
. “Yes, you offered light and casual until the other one wanted something different and we’d call it off. My feelings for you evolved—did you just said that you—”

“Love you?” He kissed my nose before I scratched it. “I’m pretty sure I did, baby. To which I expected more than being chided by you, but then it’s you, Emma. Nothing that you do is expected. Yes I love you, and I agree this started as a fling because neither of us was ready, but hell you have wrapped me around your little finger since we got stuck inside the box of doom.”

“Interrupting.” I playfully elbowed him. “I never told you about Max, my nephew. He…I found out about him and babysat the six month old baby boy for an entire week. We fell in love with each other.” I smiled fondly at the memory of the little guy who cried when I had to give him away. “That was eight months ago.” No one knew about that week and everything that had happened.

Most of it was my fault, I knew it. If I hadn’t been selfish, and procured for my sister, things would’ve turned out different for them. Chloe considered me her next of kin, while I had no emergency contact. In case of an accident I always left that line blank, because if I had one…there was no one to pick up my dead body or get me out of jail. I turned to look at Jake who had switched our bodies in a way that I ended up cradled in his arms.

“You know about Chloe.” I closed my eyes, rallying the strength to continue my story without choking or crying. I hated to feel things, sadness most of all.

“Babe, I’m here for you,” Jake reassured me, kissed my forehead and I opened my eyes.

“My sister died.” A tear made its way out. “Before her world became chaos, Chloe was the perfect girl. My big sister and I adored each other. I was nine when her behavior toward my parents made a one eighty change. But with me, Chloe remained friendly. Not once did I tell my parents about the things I had to cover for her.” I used the back of my hands to dry my eyes. “Though, one day Gaby ratted her out and Chloe blamed me, shattering our bond forever. It was the time she had two guys in her room.”

There was no need to explain much, he knew how crazy my father went that day. Chloe having sex before she turned eighteen was a huge scandal—Clinton’s impeachment was child’s play compared to it. If he only knew that my sister had been active way before it, he would have died. Afterwards we became enemies. I was twelve, she was seventeen, and we fought as if we were three and eight. Once she left home to pretend to go to college, she tried to suck all the attention from my parents. Chloe thought she affected me by having Dad’s devotion—they thought she had changed—but contrary to their beliefs, she had not. I was able to breathe during those moments when he traveled to New York to check on her.

“Want to talk about it?” Jake asked, and I shrugged. “You withdrew from me eight months ago, that’s your way to cope, isn’t it. Retract from everyone around you?” I nodded. “Baby, I’m here for you. I didn’t like when you kept me at arm’s length during your grandfather’s accident.”

It wasn’t easy for me to let others in when I had a loss. When my parents died no one was there to console me. The neighbors across the street had been concerned about the funeral and how to explain to Gaby that she’d be safe. My grandparents from both sides arrived the day we were putting Mom and Dad’s ashes in the mausoleum. Chloe arrived on Thursday to go through the boxes I had packed, but we didn’t speak to each other. My prior experience taught me that I was alone; contacting Jake was out of the question. We weren’t a real thing.

“A detective from Queens called me.” I took a deep breath. “My sister had my name as her next of kin, and it took him a couple of days to track down my number. We didn’t have much contact—well you already know that.” Mom wouldn’t be happy if she knew how things ended between the two of us after she died.

“The neighbors called the police,” I looked down at my shirt to avoid Jake’s eyes while I continued sharing the details I have from Chloe’s death. “After they heard a baby crying for more than a day. Chloe didn’t open the door, so thinking the infant had been abandoned, they knocked it down and found Max inside his crib soiled, hungry and crying. While searching through her one bedroom apartment, they found my sister on the floor of the kitchen cold and dead.

“I was, until then, Max’s only family.” Memories of the moment when the social worker handed him to me came back. He was tiny for his age, and malnourished. In a week I bought him tons of clothing and fed him and had bought baby books so I’d know what to do with him. “But the government is funny like that, first they hand you a baby.” A sob escaped me. “Then they take him away.”

“Why?” Jake asked frowning at me.

“They found his Dad.” I sighed. “Jeffrey Nicholson. He’s a decent guy as far as I learned, married to Barbara Nicholson. I don’t know how he explained his relationship with Chloe, but the birth certificate had his name there.”

“Is he really the Dad?” Jake asked, and I shrugged. “We could find out, and if not, get Max.”

“Barbara made a point.” Because I thought about it too, great minds surely think alike. “I’m one person and have no stability, Jake. They are a couple that can give Max a real family. If I had someone next to me, perhaps we could’ve fought for him and… I failed my sister, not once but twice.”

The hard part came, and I gulped before making the first hard confession. “How I wished you were there with me. Stupid right, because you didn’t do complicated.” My dry throat had a hard time continuing the speech, but everything had to come out. “I turned my feelings for you off again. Yes, it wasn’t the first time. Many times before and after, I lectured myself to stop the nonsense.” I felt my cheeks heating because it had been a long time since I talked about feelings—specifically mine—with anyone. “Guys like you don’t fall for something like me. Hence I didn’t want to love you. But I do, and for the past three months a part of me searched for you around airports and hotels, while the sane part called me delusional.”

I closed my eyes tight. “The first weekend we shared was the best thing that happened to me in years.” Straightening a little, I reached him and kissed his cheek. “But as you know, I changed rooms because I didn’t want to be cheated on or be the other woman. Please understand. I’m very screwed when it comes to relationships. And then you were there, interrupting my meeting and proposing a crazy stunt which elated me. I accepted because it included you, and for the past two years I lied to myself. Casual and lightly never happened.

“This narration is all over the place, isn’t it?” I said weakly. Afraid he’d laugh at me, I diverted my eyes to the front of the room. Jake didn’t do touchy feely stuff. Yet he had told me he loved me. “Losing Chloe and Max was painful. I tried to shake you off around the time. But you—”

“Fought you because I wasn’t going to let you go.” I nodded.

“For years I’ve been faking a smile and trying to let people think everything is fine with me.”

“When it’s far from it.” He finished my sentence and made me feel self-conscious. I wanted to stop the entire session, but he said it, we were going to be honest. “Emma, we need to get to the bottom of this relationship, baby. Why did you break up with me?”

It caused me a pang to remember that day. “The two day waiting period I had wondering if I was pregnant or not, hit me hard. No matter what happened with you, I had a piece of you with me.” Self-consciously I touched my flat tummy. “Someone to love forever, even if you didn’t let me love you.”

“A baby.” He exhaled loudly. There it was out in the open and he got ready to close the door in my face. He slid me down, turned me and changed my position laying me on my back. His penetrating gaze paralyzed me. “I’m assuming you’re done, and if not, your turn is over. You’re correct, you’re important to me, and my need to be close to you was…no, is huge.” I tensed, because his tone had changed from sweet to detached. “A week without you is unbearable. For three months I’ve been like a lost dog without his owner. Today I understood what I truly felt for you, love. It took me a while to pinpoint what that meant.”