Read Getting Old Is to Die for Online
Authors: Rita Lakin
Getting Old Is to Die for
CONTENTS
INTRODUCTION TO OUR CHARACTERS
5 BREAKFAST WITH THE BICKERSONS
This book is for James
with Love
from his Grandma
Introduction to Our Characters
GLADDY & HER GLADIATORS
Gladys (Gladdy) Gold, 75
Our heroine and her funny, adorable, and sometimes impossible partners:
Evelyn (Evvie) Markowitz, 73
Gladdy's sister. Logical, a regular Sherlock Holmes
Ida Franz, 71
Stubborn, mean, great for in-your-face confrontation
Bella Fox, 83
The "shadow." She's so forgettable, she's perfect for surveillance, but smarter than you think
Sophie Meyerbeer, 80
Master of disguises, she lives for color-coordination
YENTAS, KIBITZERS, SUFFERERS: THE INHABITANTS OF PHASE TWO
Hy Binder, 88
A man of a thousand jokes, all of them tasteless
Lola Binder, 78
His wife, who hasn't a thought in her head that he hasn't put there
Denny Ryan, 42
The handyman. Sweet, kind, mentally slow
Enya Slovak, 84
Survivor of "the camps" but never really survived
Tessie Hoffman, 56
Chubby, recently married to Sol Spankowitz
Millie Weiss, 85
Suffering with Alzheimer's
Irving Weiss, 86
Suffering because she's suffering
Mary Mueller, 60
Neighbor and nurse, whose husband left her
ODDBALLS AND FRUITCAKES
The Canadians, 30-40-ish
Young, tan, and clueless
Sol Spankowitz, 79
Reluctant husband
Dora Dooley, 81
Jack's neighbor, loves soap operas
THE COP AND THE COP'S POP
Morgan (Morrie) Langford, 35
Tall, lanky, sweet, and smart
Jack Langford, 75
Handsome and romantic
THE LIBRARY MAVEN
Conchetta Aguilar, 38
Her Cuban coffee could grow hair on your chest
NEW TENANTS
Barbi Stevens, 20-ish
, and
Casey Wright, 30-ish
Cousins who moved from California
AND
Yolanda Diaz, 22
Her English is bad, but her heart is good
NEW YORK CHARACTERS
GLADDY'S FAMILY
Emily Levinson, 46
Dr. Alan Levinson, 50
Elizabeth, 21
Erin, 19
Lindsay, 11
Patrick, 15
JACK'S FAMILY
Lisa Berman, 44
Dan Berman, 46
Jeffrey, 13
Jeremy, 11
Molly, 3 months old
EVVIE'S FAMILY
Joe Markowitz, 77
Evvie's ex-husband
Martha Evans, 48
Elliot Evans, 49
Gladdy's Glossary
Yiddish (meaning Jewish) came into being between the ninth and twelfth centuries in Germany as an adaptation of German dialect to the special uses of Jewish religious life.
In the early twentieth century, Yiddish was spoken by eleven million Jews in Eastern Europe and the United States. Its use declined radically. However, lately there has been a renewed interest in embracing Yiddish once again as a connection to Jewish culture.
b'shert
fate
chutzpah
gumption
halvah
pastry
kvell
glow with pride
nu
so? or well?
oy
oh no (disgust; frustration)
schlemiel
a loser
shmattes
rags; old garments
tuckus
rear end
"Don't Call Them Old, Call Them..."
Words like "Senior," "Elderly," and "Old" are out. Nearly four thousand seniors responded to a survey as to how they would like to be addressed.
Celebrities like Quincy Jones, 73, responded with "The Silver Foxes." Judge Judy, 63, offered "The Better-Than-Evers."
Write-in selections, to name just a few:
"Seasoned Citizens"
"Geri-Actives"
"Bonus Years"
"Sage Age"
"XYZ Group" (extra years of zest)
"Third Half"
"Melders" (combining middle age with elders)
"Rewirement" (not retirement)
Alan Brown, 66, of Plantation, Florida, perhaps said it best and funniest. "Metallic Stage. For the silver in your hair, the gold in your teeth, the tin ear you're developing, the platinum credit card you're being offered, the titanium implant in your hip and the lead in your behind."
--From the article by David Oliver Relin in
Parade
magazine, March 2006, cosponsored also by the Harvard School of Public Health and the MetLife Foundation
NEW YEAR'S EVE 1961
RIVERSIDE DRIVE, NEW YORK CITY
I
t's not even midnight and they're celebrating already. What about my celebration?" Emily Gold, eleven years old today, four hours and fifteen minutes away from the actual moment she was born, was doing her own countdown. "Five minutes later my birthday would have been on January first. In the next year."
"Mmm." Gladdy made agreeing, reassuring sounds as she took the icing out of the fridge. She knew those facts continued to awe her adorable daughter; recounting them had become her last-day-of-the-year ritual.
Emily leaned out the window as far as she could. The apartment's fourth-story fire escape blocked her view, so she kept wiggling for a better look. "You should see those people down there hanging on to one another. They're blowing horns and wearing funny hats. But I still don't see Daddy."
She pretended to pout, but Gladdy knew how excited her daughter really was. Emily would never admit that she liked having her birthday on the biggest, most exciting night of the year. She blew her breath out, showing her mom the wispy cloud it made.
