Getting Over Getting Mad: Positive Ways to Manage Anger in Your Most Important Relationships (16 page)

More often than not, parents are as confused as children are about anger. As a parent, you must learn how to stay centered when the crankies overtake you. You will lose it; every parent does. Your kids will freak out and get angry, and so will you. But you both can begin again. You can teach safe ways for them to be angry and not get caught up in it. You won't succeed perfectly, but you'll make progress. You'll both be learning as you go along.

Remember, one part of anger relates to the situation at hand, the rest is internal and is a reaction to something else. Your kid had a tough day at kindergarten and is throwing a temper tantrum before he goes to bed. While it might be true that he doesn't want to go to bed right now, it's also true that he is bringing his past anger forward and working out his frustrations from school with you.

A cheerful four-year-old Abbey said to me one day, “I'm mad about something!”

“You're mad about something?” I repeated.

“Yup!” she said. “I'm mad, mad, mad about something.”

“What made you so mad?” I asked.

“I don't know, I'm just mad.”

What a relief, I thought to myself, to know that you're mad about something and can say it so proudly. Unfortunately, most children are not allowed to say how they're feeling. Many parents have trouble expressing anger themselves, and when their child is mad, the parents' confusion gets mixed in. Then, instead of getting mad and getting over it, they begin a commotion, and sadly, for some it continues for years. When a child is mad, accept it by saying, “You're mad!” and then show them that getting mad doesn't have to ruin the day.

Children of all ages and stages express anger. Every mother quickly learns to read the messages in her baby's cry. “He's mad that he has to go to bed, but he's so tired that he'll fall asleep in a couple of minutes,” Libby explained about her ten-month-old.

Whether it's your two-year-old biting a playmate, your eight-year-old throwing his schoolbooks on the floor, or your teenager sulking and swearing, your child will demonstrate a wide range of frustrations. Children go through phases. When the adjustments they're making are difficult, they're likely to show anger and feel frustrated.

When your child is pouting, you can get the ball rolling in a positive direction by asking, “Are you mad that I didn't buy you that candy bar?” When your child is slamming the kitchen cupboards, you can avoid a tirade by biting your tongue and asking, “Are you mad that you have to do the dishes?” You'll avoid escalating his anger if you focus on one problem at a time. Instead of delivering a lecture, keep your comments sweet, short, and simple.

Labeling your child as angry because he's mad right now does nothing to help him cope with the feeling or modify his behavior. You never know for sure what sends a child over the edge. It could be that she's tired, still hurting from your divorce, upset about a friend at school, worried about the fight you and your husband are having, disturbed by something she saw on television, cranky that he can't understand a math prob-lem.
When you allow her to say, “I'm mad about something,” you put a positive spin on what she's feeling. Sometimes the verbal expression of anger is all that's needed.

Set the example the next time you're stranded in traffic. Say in your best good-natured voice, “I mad about something,” so that your kids in the back seat can hear. Then ask them if they can guess what that something is.

Teaching your child good anger management involves talking about mad feelings.

Since kids don't have the emotional maturity to tell you when they're angry, hurt, sad, or lonely, you have to be a “feeling detective” to figure it out. Preverbal children cry and hit and use physical expression when they're angry, tired, or upset. Often when a child is restless, uncooperative, hitting, yelling, crying, bouncing up and down, swearing, or unable to sit still, that's an indication that the child either has needs that are being ignored or that he doesn't know how to handle what he's feeling. You might say, “It must have hurt your feelings terribly,” or “You've been having a bad day,” or “Something must have made you mad today.”

Children need you to help them figure out what's going on inside themselves: “Are you upset that you couldn't go to the park today?”

When a child of any age is mad, he wants you to figure out what he's mad about. That's because he has a reason for feeling the way he does, and if someone at least understands he won't feel so alone. He'll be able to settle down because you listened. Upset teenagers need your undivided attention just as much as younger children do. Many anger problems escalate because of miscommunication or because the parent doesn't take the time to figure out what the child is feeling or thinking. A child needs you to validate that his feelings under the circumstances are normal. Then he needs your help finding a solution. The effort you make up-front to understand why your child is angry will save you lots of misunderstandings.

Once you've figured out what's bothering your child, never ridicule, make fun, or pooh-pooh her feelings. Instead of saying, “That's nothing to be upset about,” or “Get over it,” offer assistance: “Let's figure out how to make things better.” Instead of, “That's no big deal,” ask, “How can I help?”

Children need education to understand their feelings as much as they need education in any other subject. Not only are you the parent, you're the feeling detective, the coach, the advisor, the counselor, the educator.

Children need your help in understanding and expressing their angry feelings.

Mothers often ask me what to do about a toddler's biting. Parents wonder
if biting means that their child is headed in a negative direction. They worry that biting will become a habit. Biting is a phase, and while your child will outgrow it, she still needs attention and good guidance. She needs to learn to talk instead of biting.

If your child bites a playmate, the first thing to do is comfort the other child: “I'm sorry Hallie bit you; that was wrong. I know it hurts.” That way you are letting the biter know that if she bites she won't get attention first. Next turn to the biter and calmly remove her from the situation. Give her a minute to relax. Sit on the floor at eye-to-eye level, gently put your hands on her shoulders, and say in a firm but friendly voice, “Don't bite. Biting hurts other people.”

When twenty-one-month-old Derek bit his twin brother, his father bit Derek back. Glenn, the father, thought he was demonstrating that biting hurts, but I think he was teaching Derek that biting gets attention, and if Dad does it, it must be OK.

When a child is angry or upset, encourage her to use words instead of biting. Tell her to say, “I don't want to,” or tell him it's OK to say “No.” Let him know that he can always come to you for help to get his message across.

Helping your child manage her negative emotions begins very early. A toddler experiences a wide range of emotions. She's happy that she can play with the puzzle, but when she can't make the piece fit she gets mad and shows it in no uncertain terms. She needs your help to make sense of her feelings and learn how to control them. Toddlers understand when you talk to them about what they're feeling. When you talk to them you're giving them “talking tools.” Then instead of biting, pulling, or shoving, they'll be more likely to say, “I'm mad, don't do that.”

Most of a toddler's anger comes from frustration. They don't yet have the skills to communicate their wishes and wants. You have to do that for them. Saying “You're mad at the puzzle” labels the feeling so that she has words to describe what's going on inside. This helps her understand that what she feels is normal.

Toddlers have short attention spans, so when they're unhappy with what they're doing, give them something else to do. “Since you're mad at the puzzle, come play with the ball.” You're labeling the feeling and giving them a constructive way to handle it.

As your child begins to learn the word mad, he'll be able to talk about what he's feeling. When you distract him, you teach him that when you're mad it's often more fun to walk away.

If your toddler bites or hits, give them a one- to two-minute time out. Then tell them, “It's not OK to bite, it's not OK to hit.”

Banishing feelings makes them go underground. When you tell a child, “Don't feel that way,” or “It's not nice to feel mad,” the feeling doesn't go away, it gets hidden. Hidden anger gets disguised and often gathers momentum. It's easier to manage anger that's obvious than to redirect the hidden anger that comes out in roundabout ways.

When your child says, “My teacher is stupid,” instead of saying, “Don't talk like that,” ask, “What happened?” When he says, “My teacher made me stay in during recess,” instead of saying, “Well, if you would have done your homework that wouldn't have happened,” try, “That must have made you mad.” The words you use when your child is expressing anger and frustration do matter. Your words teach compassion. Your child is learning to distinguish positive and negative emotions. By putting words to feelings, you're teaching him that feelings are normal and healthy. When your child is happy, notice that, and when your child is mad, notice that too. Don't scold her for feeling mad; empathize and you'll teach compassion.

When you help your children recognize their own feelings, you've laid the foundation for compassion. What you say and the tone in which you say it teaches your child how to treat others. You want your child to know that it's OK to feel mad, but it is not OK to hurt others.

You need to follow the same guidelines in your own behavior: It's OK for you to get mad at something your child is doing as long as you don't hurt her. A child learns empathy and compassion at home.

Asking, “Did you have a bad day?” is better than asking, “What are you so mad about?”

No is a very important word in anger management. I am from the “encouragement school of parenting,” which means that I think that children need encouragement more than discouragement. They need to hear, “Yes, you can,” more than “No, you can't.” Guiding them along by being generous with encouragement lets them feel positive about life and their ability to face frustrations. Children need plenty of “Yes” for sure, but they also need “No's” sprinkled in.