Getting Over Getting Mad: Positive Ways to Manage Anger in Your Most Important Relationships (24 page)
Authors: Judy Ford
The difference between reacting and responding is significant. In the heat of the moment, all kinds of thoughts run through our minds. We're unable to think clearly. Our initial reaction is often based on false assumptions; acting hastily can make matters worse and have dire consequences for us. Responsibility is the ability to respond, and that takes discipline and maturity. You'll still feel the urgency of your impulses, but instead of allowing them to rule you, you choose what action to take and when to take it. Taking responsibility for your behavior means considering the consequences.
Joel's reaction, when he heard that the person just hired by his company was earning the same wages as he, was rage. He threw down his hammer, swore, walked off the job, and got drunk. Two days later, when the foreman called to find out why Joel was absent from work, Joel reacted again and told him where to go. It wasn't until a week later, when Joel went to pick up his check at the business office that he read the letter (that had been in his mail box since the previous month) announcing that he'd been given a raise. The only thing that all his storming and raging got him was “egg on his face.”
This is just one example of what can happen when you freak out before you've gathered all the facts. When you're mad, instead of freaking out, gather the facts, then decide what to do. If you have a tendency to get mad and blow up, consider adopting this as your slogan: Finding out is more productive than freaking out!
Wait twenty-four hours before responding to the person who provoked you. After you've investigated and gathered all the facts, then you can decide whether you want to respond, what response you want to make, and to whom you want to make it.
If you work in a company that has a staff of more than one, you'll definitely need to perfect your anger management and negotiation skills. Temper tantrums don't get you very far up the ladder these days. Even if you have a tantrum-throwing boss, she probably won't like it if you do the same. At work you need to practice diplomacy. That means knowing when to speak up and when to keep quiet. You can't let anger run wild at work. You don't want to respond in ways that get others riled up. You will get miffed, and others will get annoyed with you, but you always have a choice as to what you do.
Many people get angry when you don't agree with them. Develop strategies to let bosses or colleagues know you disagree without alienating them.
Write the following sentences on a note card and paste them on your desk or at your computer. Take them to meetings, conferences, and lunch. Better yet, memorize each one. These sentences works best if you say them in an upbeat, friendly, lighthearted manner. Practice saying them out loud at home beforehand so that your voice is strong, confident, and friendly. In a heated situation, using these statements and questions will give you thinking time.
“I'm not sure what you mean. Could you explain that to me again?” or say, “Do you mean . . . ?”
“I understand your point of view, but I don't have the same one. My point of view is different.”
“I understand what you're saying, and I'd like time to think that over.”
“I appreciate your approach, but my approach is different. You and I do things differently.”
“Thank you for talking this over with me.”
Whatever strategies you're developing, remember, good timing is critical in delivering the message. Don't confront an angry person in the middle of their outburst. Don't confront them when you're angry, either. Wait until you have both cooled down. Go over what you're going to say in your own mind first. If you need to talk about a potentially heated or emotionally charged topic, ask the person, “Can we schedule a short conference?” Angry, difficult people are super-sensitive to what others might be thinking. Talk to them in private and you'll avoid potential embarrassment.
Anger is a sign of a grievance that needs attention. You'll make more progress in solving the problem if you focus your attention on the grievance rather than on the person. If you're shouting at each other, neither of you is likely to get the results you're after. To really communicate, you have to be open to not knowing what to do. When you no longer have anything to say, then you can come to your colleague and address the work issue.
Using calm, neutral language can help two people who argue work successfully together.
While I believe strongly in the value of expressing our opinions, I also believe strongly that there is a time and place for that expression. If everyone went around with their raw emotions pouring forth, the office would become filled with the tensions of the world. Dumping on and dissing colleagues and fellow team members at work is definitely self-defeating.
Good manners are good anger management tools. You can work out your grievances in a professional manner by incorporating these ten good manners on the job:
- Conduct yourself in a way that reflects the good person that you are.
- Be cordial to everyone regardless of their title or position.
- Show your strengths in a positive way.
- Accept help and assistance graciously.
- Acknowledge the contributions of others.
- Listen to other points of view.
- Be respectful when you disagree.
- State your opinions directly to the person involved.
- When someone gives you a compliment, politely accept it by saying, “Thank you.”
- Expect good things to happen.
You determine how others perceive you. If you present an angry, gloomy persona, that's the impression others will have of you. To be successful on the job, put your emphasis on becoming the best that you can be. Polish your skills and let them shine. Set personal goals and focus on reaching them. Be pleasant about it.
Good manners make ordinary life run more smoothly.
Tony, a young man I know, loves to cook. He trained as a chef, and upon graduation took a job cooking in an Italian bistro. He hated it. He said the problem was the boss. Tony got mad and quit. Then he took a position in a fish café. Guess what? Tony didn't like cooking fish. What was the problem? Was it the fish, the boss, or Tony's attitude? That's the puzzle we all face. What makes us hate our jobs? Is it the fish, the boss, or our own attitudes?
Everyone gets angry on the job, but unsuccessful workers get angry and blame it on others or on their circumstances. They're unhappy with their work and they know it, but since they need the money, they don't look at their issues directly. Instead they stifle, stall, avoid, and blame. Ineffectual workers put forth a minimal effort, they hold back. They won't admit mistakes, and when they do make one, instead of learning from it, they chew on that one little error for days. They won't accept help from others and think, “I'll do it myself.” Unproductive workers are overly critical and won't listen to feedback. They engage in degrading remarks and negative thinking.
Successful people know their own strengths and weakness. They've identified their talents and have made a plan to obtain work that matches their skills and interests. They're winners because they focus on improving their own excellence. Instead of putting others down, they build everyone up. Winners inspire others to do their best. They support one another. They're able to make the best of whatever situation they face.
Each workday presents us with an opportunity to learn about ourselves. Winners in life take ordinary events as chances to investigate themselves further. If you're chronically angry at work, is the problem the work or is the problem inside of you? If you can't get along with the boss, is it you or is it her?
A positive attitude is the bedrock of personal success.
If you've ever had the adventure of crossing a canyon on a swinging rope bridge for the first time, you know the sense of accomplishment that comes when you finally arrive on the other side. Just as the rope bridge gets you from one side to the other, anger gets you to the other side of what's troubling you. Learning to speak up when you're mad about something at work is like walking a rope bridge: it gets your adrenaline pumping. And it requires similar skills: spunk, concentration, and perseverance. You step out, you're unstable, it feels precarious. You want to run, to freeze, to turn back, but you don't. You've made up your mind: you'll put one foot in front of the other until you reach the other side. When you finally land safely on solid ground, you look back, breathe a sigh of relief, and say to yourself, “That wasn't so bad.”
Expressing yourself clearly at work is an art worth learning. Whether it's dealing with an angry customer, an ill-tempered boss, an unfair personnel practice, you'll need to speak up or on your own behalf. We all spend so much time working that unless we can speak up, we feel taken advantage of, and then our attitude can quickly turn sour. Speaking up makes work more enjoyable. You feel connected, involved.
You're mad about something! You don't like what's been going on, so this time you're determined to make a change. You persevere, you repeat yourself, you stop, and in a split second you're speaking out again. You're not backing down; you won't give up. You make your point. You took a chance, and nothing bad happened. You shoulders relax. The anger didn't last long; in fact it's gone.
The human spirit is amazing. It has created great works of art, it has overthrown tyrannies, it has overcome tremendous obstacles. You have that self-same beautiful human spirit. You have unique abilities. What the mirror tells you is not terribly important. When you look into your mirror, instead of looking for blemishes, look for your soul. Look for the intelligent creative child, because that child is still there inside you and always will be—regardless of how many mistakes you may have made, regardless of how angry you feel now.
Love yourself! Love yourself for doing the best you can. Recognize that although things were not always easy for you, you've still done a lot of good things. Love yourself as much as you can. If you do that, creativity will express itself in your work.
One of the best ways of loving yourself is by sticking up for yourself. Above all, stick up for yourself in the tussles at work, because otherwise you will dread going in. The more you stick up for yourself, the more you will appreciate yourself and the contribution you make.
