Ghost Time (29 page)

Grandma Lois has a beautiful voice
, she said, and I raised my hand, repeating: Grandma Lois has a beautiful voice, and then Knox pulled over to the side of the road.
What’s going on?
Mel said, and I said, What’s wrong? And we waited, but Knox just stared ahead in a total daze. For like a whole minute, and then he raised his hand, warding me off. I… I just needed a moment, he said. I tried to get my mind around it, and sometimes I actually think I have. And then, other times, I don’t—I don’t understand one damn thing about what’s happening, he said. Just give me a minute here, he said, staring off.

I know how hard it must be for him to get his head around it, but I don’t feel like he ever stops to think what it’s like for me, hearing his daughter’s voice in my head and being able to see her like she’s a normal, healthy, beautiful girl, so I told him. I said it: What, you think it doesn’t make
me
feel crazy sometimes? You think I don’t lie awake in bed at night, wondering if maybe they were right about me and I really should be locked up? I mean, seriously, sometimes, listening to you two talk back and forth, inside my head, outside my head, I feel like I’m gonna throw up, like I’m getting carsick—it’s not easy for me, either, you know? I said, covering my eyes with my hands, then sitting up straight
again. Knox’s mouth fell open, then he swallowed back, before turning and looking me in the eye, hearing what I was saying. I knew I shouldn’t have said that out loud, especially in front of Mel, but I did. I needed them both to know, because it’s like, this isn’t easy for any of us—not for Knox, not for Mel, not for me.

So we just sat there, silent, like a wet wool blanket was thrown over the whole car, and then Mel said,
I’m sorry, Thee. I’m so sorry about how hard this must be on you, with no one you can tell, no one you can even talk to
, and I turned right around, looking at her, both girls, both Mels, bifocal vision: Never, I said. Don’t ever be sorry, because I can talk to you, more than anyone, and I wouldn’t give that up for the whole world, I said, smiling, but my chin puckering because I felt so teary. Which, thankfully, knocked things back into place by making Knox uncomfortable, readjusting himself in his seat and putting the car back in gear. Even so, we were all pretty quiet the rest of the way to my house.

Soon as I got out, I can’t—I can’t explain how I knew, but walking up the back stairs, after Mel and Knox left, from the moment I walked through our front door, I knew there was something there for me, a message. I could feel it, and I was so certain, I didn’t bother taking off my coat at the front door, I just walked straight to my room, turned on my computer, and I was right. There was an e-mail from Cam, or Cam’s address, at least. I don’t know who it is, but all the subject headers are some inside jokes, something only Cam would know, like the subject header will say, You know what Socrates said? I open them because Cam is the only person in the world who knows the joke. Except this one was different, it was a time code,
5:57 PM, May 10, 2010
, and it said,
Unedited
.

Somehow, I knew—I mean I didn’t know what, exactly, but I knew what day that was. I’d lived with it for a whole year. It was video taken at that party, at Spencer Perry’s party, last spring. The video starts when we showed up at his house, because things got started right after school. The four of us, we went to Leila’s house to change, and we got to Spencer’s by five, but the video’s shot in a way that it’s like there was someone else with us, walking between me and Dani and Leila and Stella. The four of us, we walked in alone, and the way the video looks, it’s like there was someone else with us, almost in the middle of the whole group. When I saw that, the way it was shot, I nodded and said, No, out loud. But on the other hand, everything else is exactly as I remember it happening.

Stella and Dani went to the kitchen, and I stayed with Leila, outside, in the backyard. And then Spencer came over, and he brought me a drink, saying he’d make another for Leila when they went inside. I remember drinking it, and the hardest part, watching it again, was remembering how close I felt to all my friends that night, because these were my best friends. Maybe I didn’t choose this town, and it was hard getting used to it, but this was my home now, you know? And then—I remember this now, watching this video—slurring, I told Leila and Spencer: I feel so dizzy and buzzy!

It was snowing, too. It was so weird because we had a huge storm that week, in March. Spencer’s parents had left for the Bahamas or Bermuda, I don’t remember. Just that we went inside so Spencer could make us some more drinks, I walked to the back windows of their kitchen, they had these big bay windows, and I
looked at all the kids, outside, playing in the snow. And a few of them started spinning around, holding back their heads, and then all I know is they started morphing into multiples. Like two, three four of each kid appeared, and they all started spinning around, like florescent whirling dervishes. And it was beautiful, watching it snow in this big backyard. I think that was the happiest day I’d had in years, like for the first time since I’d moved, I belonged. Then the video stopped, and I realized the amazing thing was that it was exactly what happened to me. But how could anyone have shot exactly what I saw?

I went over and sat down on the side of my bed, but I felt numb. Because when I think of everyone being called into Cheswick’s office to discuss the party; all these kids, all their parents, everyone getting so busted. And they all wanted a scapegoat. And I was new, and I was the one dancing on the coffee table, clearly I was the bad apple. And I’d never been in trouble like that, I’d never been singled out for any inappropriate behavior, but then everyone was so relieved to be off the hook, they had to dedicate themselves to believing their own lies.

Still, sitting there, with my coat on, and my bag twisted around my shoulder, I smiled at the screen, feeling that moment all over again. I mean, it was the first time I’d ever really sat and thought about it, without crying or turning away, feeling sick. I’d gone through so much embarrassment, so much teasing and shame that year, but this time, I could actually watch without turning away. Honestly, I felt better, because that’s what really happened, and somehow, there was someone who knew the truth, too.

Then, the very next day, I got another text with a link, right after I got home from school. The thing is, whoever sent it to me, they sent it to the whole school. I almost had a heart attack when I saw that, at first, and then I watched it, because I had to know what it was everyone was seeing. So I watched it, and right away, I knew everyone would be freaking out. Because it tells the rest of the story, what happened that night. At first, I thought it was a copy of the same video from the night before, because it starts with the four of us, Leila, Dani, and Stella and me, showing up at Spencer’s party. So right after we all walk into the Perry’s kitchen, then it cuts to Spencer Perry and Brandon Firth standing in one of the rooms, down from the kitchen, where you turn to their laundry room. Then you see Brandon peek his head out to see that we’re there, while Spencer’s standing over a cup, doing something you can’t see, but whatever they’re doing, you’re thinking,
They’re up to something, those guys are definitely up to something….

The strange thing is, watching it, I knew it was going to be okay. Or I knew at least I wasn’t the one who had to worry, because it’s like someone’s taken my memories and made a movie out of them, and you see exactly what I was seeing that night, living. After you see Spencer and Brandon in the laundry room, the next thing you see is my point of view, and I’m stumbling all over, holding my hands out for balance, wasted, as a bunch of us pile into a couple cars and drive to Shecky’s.

Shecky’s is this local chain, kind of like IHOP, that stays open late on Friday and Saturday nights. The whole way there, I was in the backseat with Brandon, making out with him—
ugh
, so gross.
A good minute of tongue and tongue close-up that’s sloppy and pimply and stomach-turning. I’d rather watch animals humping on
National Geographic
, I really would. All my friends are grossed out too, all of them shooting each other looks, but I have no idea what’s going on. I couldn’t remember it for so long, but when I saw it, with my own eyes, the two of us, me and Brandon, going at it in the backseat, I felt sick. Because it was true, that’s what really happened, and I’d seen a little worse than that, the Monday when it got out about the party, and there were pictures of us in the car.

I stopped the video and closed my computer. I don’t know how long I sat there, totally shocked, maybe an hour before I heard my mom walk through the front door, and she called my name. Then she knocked, and I said, Come in. Hey, she said, still holding the doorknob, standing in my doorway, and I said, Hey, seeing she hadn’t even taken off her coat. All right, she says, slapping both hands on her thighs. She goes: Principal Cheswick called me this afternoon and told me there’s a new video of the party from last year—a video of what really happened at that party, she said, and then she held up her hand, seeing my mouth fall open. She said, I saw. I watched them already. And I just want to say I’m sorry, Thea. I’m so sorry I didn’t believe in you more last year, despite how things looked, and she really did look so remorseful. Principal Cheswick would like to meet with us tomorrow to talk about it, she said, and that’s what we need to discuss now. There are a lot of things I want to talk to you about tonight, before we have that meeting, she said.

I said, Mom, I told you I don’t want to talk about the party anymore, throwing my head back. She goes, Lots of things, Thee—there are lots of things I want to talk to you about. And the way she said that, I knew something happened: What happened? I said. Let me take my coat off, she said. You might want to do the same, she said, looking at me as she stood from my bed. And only then did I realize I’d been sitting there, in my coat, too, that whole time.

Let’s sit at the table, she said, and I followed her into the kitchen and sat down. She got a beer out of the fridge, then looked at me: You want one? she said, holding the bottle up. So something pretty bad happened, I knew, watching her pouring her beer in an iced glass. It’s the one thing Mom still does that we’d done when my dad was around: she always has good beer glasses that she keeps in the freezer. Now, though, our freezer is so small, she has to turn the glasses on their side.

Looking at her, I thought,
You’re so pretty. Despite everything, you are still so pretty, Mom.
I don’t notice it much anymore, but she is, she’s beautiful. I thought about telling her that, too, then she took a sip of beer and said, They’re cutting back at work, and I said, But they already cut back. She nodded. More, she said, and I said, You lost your
job
? It was so awful, my mouth fell open. Not exactly, she said, but I’ll be working part-time now, which is better than nothing. I said, I’m so sorry, Mom, because I didn’t know what else to say.

My mind started reeling, trying to figure out what we’d do, where we’d go, what I could do. I’ll try to get a job, after school, I
said, and I knew it sounded dumb, because if there were any jobs, my mom could get one, too. Thanks, babe, she said, smiling, but not wanting to talk about that yet. Looking at her face, I felt so bad, because I spend so much time keeping her out of my life, keeping away from her in every possible way; I forget how much I need her. But the thing is, I’m almost afraid of how much I need her since she just isn’t very strong anymore.

What else? I asked, sensing she hadn’t told me everything, and she dropped her head side to side, shoulder to shoulder, a few times. You’ve gotten lots of offers, Thea, people offering a lot of money for your story, Thea, and then I knew, seeing the look in her eye. She lost her job, and we needed money, and people wanted to pay me to talk about Cam and me. To tell my story, right, but how could I do that? On the other hand, look at our house. Look at where we are. How could I say no, knowing how badly we needed money? So, I said, there, almost laughing, almost crying, just covering my mouth:
What do I do?

(FOUR MONTHS EARLIER)

9:54 PM

I must’ve seemed like a prude, I stopped him so many times. I’d finally told him just about every secret I have to tell, but I still wouldn’t let him touch me. For like two months, soon as he’d reach under my shirt or touch my skin or just about anything, I’d tense up. Like even my sleeves, anything above my knees, I’d pull away. Like it was fine if he touched me over my clothes, but never under, and I’d always turn out the light, too. Then, one night, after I told him about Spencer’s party and everything with the hospital, Cam goes, Thea, why won’t you let me see you? And I said, You can see me.

He goes, No. You won’t let me see you; you won’t let me touch you, he said, and he wasn’t pushing—Cam never pushed. He just wanted to understand what was going on with me, and he could tell—I mean, of course he could tell, when I wouldn’t even let him touch my bare arms, something’s not right. So, finally,
I decided I’d told him that much, I might as well show him. So I sat up, and I turned on the light, and I got up. I go, I don’t let you see me, and I don’t let you touch me, because I have scars all over my body, and he looked at me, and I took off my sweatshirt, so he could see the scars up and down the inside of my biceps, both sides. Then I took my shirt off and let it fall on the floor. And I unbuttoned my pants, starting to pull them off, and he reached—I’ll never forget that, that he reached to stop me, like I didn’t have to do that, and I shook my head no. I did have to do that, because I needed him to see. I needed him to see me, all of me, not just 3 percent.

So I took my jeans off, and I stood there, in my bra and underwear, and I turned around in a full circle, so he could see them all. He was sitting up, on the side of my bed, then he reached for my hands, pulling me to him, and he goes, Oh, baby, what happened? And I thought about it, where to begin, then I told him: Me. I happened. I did it to myself. That’s why they sent me to the hospital, my mom and dad, I said. Because I couldn’t stop cutting myself, and they couldn’t get the drugs right.