Ghost Time (33 page)

So I set her up in the living room, and we took our positions, waiting for Knox to get home.
We almost look like twins, don’t we?
she said, and I had to laugh. We’d taken one shot in these matching dresses, and I did our hair the same, sort of. Mel’s hair is a lot longer, but we looked identical. We are twins, I said, meaning our birthday. Mel and I have the same birthday, and we were even born the same hour—crazy, huh? Then she goes,
Hey, Thee? What should we do for our birthday?
Funny, because I’d been thinking about that, too, and then someone knocked on the front door, and I looked at Mel, and she looked at me, and then I thought maybe Knox couldn’t find his keys, so I walked to the door and opened it. Then my mouth fell open, seeing him, standing there: Foley. It was Foley.

Strange thing is, he didn’t seem at all surprised to see me there, much less all dressed up. Foley smiles and he goes, Hello, Theadora. What a surprise, he said.
Who is it?
Melody asked, but I didn’t answer. I just looked at Foley, but I couldn’t tell if he heard her or not. Is Detective Knox here? he said, and I go, No, grabbing the door so I’d have something to hold on to more than anything. And he looked like he was about to ask what I was doing at Knox’s house, but he didn’t. He goes, Oh, I see. Do
you know when he’ll be home? I go, I don’t know when, and he said, Are you here alone, then? looking around me, into the living room, and I stepped to the side, so he couldn’t see Mel.

Just then, Mel called my name,
Thee? Who is it?
And then Foley leaned to his side, talking around me, and he said, Just me—Agent Foley, and I had to clench my jaw so hard to keep it from falling. He heard her—I swear Foley heard Mel speaking to me. Did you say something, Theadora? he asked, smiling like we had some inside joke, and I shook my head—too fast, I started shaking my head too fast. I didn’t say anything, I said, and he smiled, Sorry, I thought I heard something. Well, anyhow, you should call him, I said, and Foley goes, Thank you, I’ll do that, smiling his special pervy smile, and then I closed the door, right in his face.
Thea? Thee, who is it?
Mel asked, and I just stood there, staring at the door, knowing he hadn’t moved, either.

After I closed the door, when I walked back into the living room, I felt so dirty, I wanted to take a shower. I really did. And I wasn’t sure, but I’m pretty sure he saw Mel, because you can see from the door into the living room, and I had her seated, situated on their couch so she’d be the first thing Knox saw, when he walked in the door. Knox got home literally, like, one minute after Foley left. He pulled in the drive, walked straight across the path, and opened the front door. One look and he knew something was wrong. What’s wrong? What happened? he said, following me into the living room. He balked, seeing Melody, and then he held up his finger, like we’ll get to you in a second, and he waited for
me to say something, make sense of whatever was going on. Tell me what’s going on, Thea, he said, and I go, Someone came to the door, so I answered.

Here? he said, and I said, Yes. I thought it was you, I said, and then I felt bad, because you should always ask before opening the door. I knew that; everyone knows that. He could trust me, alone, with his daughter, you know? At least when it came to answering doors. Just not tonight, maybe, and he goes, Who was it? And I winced, and then I told him: Foley, I said. He knew before, though, like the second before, Knox saw it. What did he want? he said, setting down his keys. He had a file in his hand, I said, putting it together. He was going to deliver my medical file to Knox.

Knox was frowning, and he goes, Did he say anything? I go, No, he asked for you, and Knox goes, What did you tell him? I go, I told him you were out, and he should call you, I said. That’s all? Knox said, and I go, That’s all I told him, Knox, yes, and it wasn’t right, both of us knew something wasn’t right. And then Mel goes,
What’s going on? Would someone please tell me what’s going on?
I didn’t even have a chance to tell her before Knox walked in, and part of me didn’t want Mel to know.
Please tell me what’s going on
, she said, and Knox could tell she was talking to me. Mel, I don’t know, I said. I don’t know what’s going on, except that Special Agent Foley decided to pay your dad a house call, and he had a folder in his hands. All right, Knox said, sighing. He didn’t know what to do, but he didn’t want to talk about it either.

Thee, let’s talk to him now
, Mel said, acting like this was our golden opportunity. I need to take a bath, I said. I’m not kidding: I feel so gross, you have no idea—. Whoa, whoa, whoa… back up. First of all, Knox said, and then Mel said,
We have to tell him now. It’s the perfect time, Thee—.
First of all, Knox said, what’s with all this makeup on Melody’s face?
Ohmygod, Dad
, Mel said.
You aren’t really going to start in because I’m wearing makeup?
He goes, Thea, you didn’t tell me you were going to paint—.
You have got to be kidding me
, Mel said. Stop, I said. Paint her face like that, he said.
Is that your idea of a compliment, Dad?
she said, and I couldn’t take it anymore: Stop! I said, stop, both of you. Quiet—would you be quiet? I need to think, I said, and believe it or not, they shut up. They both shut up, and they looked at me, waiting.

I took a deep breath and said, Knox, Mel wants to have a talk—she wants you to have a talk with Heather, tell her Mel and I are friends. She also invited me to spend the night. Is that cool? I said.
Tell him we can have the talk or he can just say yes
, Mel said. I raised my right hand: Talk with Heather or sleepover, which would you rather have? Knox made this little huff, puffing his lips, knowing it was two against one, and then he said, When you put it that way, I’d rather we all went to bed.

So we took Mel upstairs, and I helped her get dressed for bed, and then I left them alone for a moment, waiting outside her room. Get some sleep, girls, Knox said, stepping out of the room. I got in bed, and I was so careful, lying down beside Mel, and I pulled the covers up, tucking them in around her body. Good
night, I said, looking at her, and she goes,
Hey, Thee?
I sat up, so she could see me, and she said,
I’ve decided I’m going to get my hair cut. For my birthday—for our birthday.
I could tell she was serious, too, so I go, Then do it, and she goes,
I will. You’ll see, Thee: I’m not afraid of what my parents will do.
I said, I know you aren’t afraid—you’re the bravest person I know.
Are you just saying that?
she asked, and I said, No. I mean it. Now go to sleep, I said, giving her a kiss on each cheek, lying down beside her.

I shut my eyes, and then she said,
Hey, Thee… you know you never really talk about him
, and of course I knew what she was saying. Really? Maybe because I’m always thinking about him, I feel like I talk about him all the time, even if I’m not saying it out loud, I said. Mel didn’t ask, but I told her, the only person I’ve ever told. I said, The last thing Cam said to me, he was leaving my house, and he asked me the craziest question. He said, What if God was a teenage girl?

Mel balked, then turned to look at me, almost squinting. She said,
Literally, you mean? Like, what, like, And on the seventh day, teenage girl God created the shopping mall?
I smiled and my head fell back, shaking, because Mel’s
dying
to go to a shopping mall, and I told her she’s not missing anything, but she said she doesn’t care, so I promised her we’d go sometime. I said, Honestly, I don’t have a clue what he was talking about—that’s just Cam. He had all sorts of crazy questions, crazy ideas—everyone thinks I’m so crazy and he’s so sane, right, and they’ve got it all wrong, I said.
Has
, Mel said, quietly. Sorry? I said, looking up.
He
has
all sorts of crazy ideas
, she said, smiling. Has, I said.

Anyhow, I have no idea what he meant, but that question keeps coming back to me, I said. Like he was trying to tell me something, you know?
Yeah, well, that’s kind of big, whatever it was he was trying to tell you
, she said, and I just had to laugh. Kinda, yeah, I said. You want to hear something else he taught me? I said, propping myself up on my elbow. And Mel said,
Tell me
, and I said, You know what the Butterfly Effect is, how, like if a butterfly flaps its wings in Japan, it can start a hurricane in Kansas or whatever?
Um, not really…
And I said, Anyhow, Cam used to say the same thing about butterfly kisses. He called it the Butterfly Kisses Effect, that you couldn’t possibly know the magnitude of a single action. Watch, I said, and then I leaned over her, giving her butterfly kisses until she squealed. Now go to sleep, I said, resting my head on my pillow, waiting for her to close her eyes.

After she fell asleep, I decided I better get up to pee, so I wouldn’t wake her in the middle of the night. Knox heard me, walking out of the bathroom, and he called up to me: Thea? Yes? I whispered, peeking down the stairs, and he nodded his head, wanting me to see something in the living room, and to be quiet about it. So I walked down, and before I could ask, Knox cocked his head across the room, holding the remote control in his hand. I was watching the news, he said, and there’s something you should see, Thea. My first thought was,
Ohmygod, they can’t show porn on the eleven o’clock news, can they?
And then he hit play, and the news segment started. It was footage taken at night, an aerial view, and it took a few seconds to come into view, the
reporters talking about some private jet that had recorded a most unusual sight in the quiet town of Fort Marshall, which had been experiencing some rather bizarre events recently, and then they flashed back to a clip of the tire tracks that ended in the middle of an endless field.

In that same field, the woman said, we now have this, and then a fluorescent image came into focus. Flying directly over the field, the jet had videotaped this enormous heart with an arrow through it—someone tagged the whole damn field with a fluorescent green heart that read, CC + TD = TLA! First thing I did was reach for my tattoo, and I took the Band-Aid off—I’ve been wearing one of those huge Band-Aids made for heels or whatever, and I tried shading my shoulder, but I couldn’t see it. Knox, look: look, I said, and I got up, walking to the end of the hall, where it was dark. He got up and walked over, and I showed him, pulling back my T-shirt. All you could see, just barely, was the scar on my shoulder, but no tattoo. Where is it? he said. It’s gone, I said, shaking my head. Knox, my tattoo is gone—it’s in that field now.

Knox exhaled a thick sigh, not like one I’d ever heard before, and he turned, heading back into the living room, needing to sit and think about this a second, I could tell. When I followed him back into the living room, I saw that he had a bottle open. Whiskey, scotch, I don’t know the difference. Especially when the bottle’s almost empty. Maybe that’s why he really didn’t want me sleeping over. I couldn’t really deal with that, too, at that moment, while Knox hit play, returning to the end of the news story.

All I could think about was my tattoo—you could see it from a mile above ground. Isn’t that something? the guy reporter in the
studio said, and I shivered, crossing my arms. Police say that they don’t have a suspect yet, but they do have a few leads, said the chick—what’s-her-name, the one who gave me her card. Leads? I said, and Knox said, The authorities don’t have a fucking clue, trust me—we don’t have any leads. He stifled a belch with one fist, and then he said, Excuse me.

He was sloppy, but still on the job. Has anyone else seen it? Your tattoo? he said, trying to act as sober as he could. My radioactive tattoo? I asked, and he said, Yes, and I said, No. I taped it up. I covered it with one of those jumbo Band-Aids—no one’s seen me, I said. He scratched the side of his cheek for a moment, thinking it over, and then, finally, he said, This is some fucked-up shit. I don’t know what the hell is going on, here, but I do know some fucked-up shit when I see it. I knew he was drunk: Knox never swears. Then he nodded, agreeing with himself, and then he said, Go on, cocking his head toward the stairs. Off to bed with you, he said, still staring at the TV, so I got up and said good night, passing him. I’d walked halfway upstairs, when Knox called after me, Thea? I could feel him on the other side of the wall, sitting on the couch, staring in the opposite direction, toward the TV. Yes? I said, and then he said, Sweet dreams.

I crawled back into bed as quietly as I could, but Melody was awake.
Thee?
she said, and I pulled the covers over my shoulder, turning to her, inches from her face.
Is my dad awake?
she said, and I said, Yes.
He’s drinking
, she said, matter-of-fact, and I said, Yes.
Every night
, she says.
He must drink a bottle a night, easy. Sometimes, I’ll wake up, hearing him crying. Because of me
, she said, and I said, No—it’s not you, and she said,
It is. I know it is.
He can’t stop wishing I were healthy, normal, and it tears him up, because he loves me. You know he always says, You’re perfect, my perfect girl, and I don’t know who he’s trying to convince. I just wish…
, she said, then she stopped; her eyes welling. You wish what? I said, Tell me. And Mel said,
Some people believe everything happens for a reason, but I don’t know about that. I think, honestly, sometimes things just happen and we make of it what we will. But whether there’s any reason or not, I just wish my dad could forgive us both for being who we really are.

I don’t know if Mel could see the tears in my eyes, but I wiped them off my cheek, then I hugged her arm in mine and closed my eyes. I didn’t say anything, because the one thing I’ve figured out is that there are times you have to find the courage to say everything in your heart. And there are times you cannot possibly say everything in your heart, so you have to find the courage to be quiet and still in the dark.

(FOUR MONTHS EARLIER)