Gifts of Desire (33 page)

             
Ceann
took a seat across from his fa
ther and waited, troubled by Artair
’s dark mood.

             
He held in his hands a crumbled and wrinkled piece of parchment.  He fingered it absently as he spoke.  “I…
I have things to tell
you
.  Things
you
need t
o
know
, since
…
you
’ll soon be Laird in my stead.”

             
Ceann
s
tared at him for a moment.  “No
, not soon. 
You
’ll be Laird for many years yet Father.”

             
“Aye,
son,
sooner than
you
know
.  But listen.”  His expression took on an intensity
Ceann
had never before seen, and his heart began to beat faster, realizing something significant was about to happen.  His life was about to change somehow
, forever
. 

             
“
You
have always
been everything to me, son,
and
you
have made me proud. 
You
have grown into a strong warrior and a good man.”  He paused, as if afraid to go
on.  “But there is something
you
must
know
.  I did something, long ago, something I can neve
r regret, because it brought
you
to me. 
But it has made things… complicated.
”  He paused for a moment, trying to find the right words.
 
“
I went to the
Auld
Ones,
Ceann
, to m
ake a bargain, a bargain for
a child, for you
.  They agreed, but as they always do, the
Auld
Ones demanded a
payment
, which…”

             
Ceann
stood abruptly, toppling the chair
, fear and anger suddenly filling him.
  A dull roar began in his ears.
  “What
payment
, Father?  What was the
payment
?”

             
“That
you
would be the last of the
MacKenzie
line, that
you
would never father a child…”

             
Ceann
heard no more after that.  “No
!” he roared in sudden rage and hurt, as his dreams seemed to shatter
like glass
before his eyes.  Then
he turned and ran from the room, even as his father calle
d after him to come back, to hear the rest!  He did not.
 

             
He was gone for several days, maybe more.
  Even as a boy, when things became too much for him, he simply left for a time, to be alone, to think, to heal. 
Now he was a man; a man who had just been told he would live his life alone, with no wife, no family.  No sons to raise into honorable men, no daughters to coddle and spoil.  No wife… to share the secrets of his soul with, and the joy of raising their bairns.  He mourned his loss deeply and
utterly
.

             
When
at last
he returned
to Tulloch
, he learned that his father had been killed in an attack by the Campbells.
To his eternal shame, h
e ha
d not been
home
to defend him.
 
Now h
e was Laird.  He was Laird, and his father was gone forever. 
There was nothing to be done about it.  H
e would be the last of his line. 

***

             
Ella
was frustrated and
heartbroken that
Ceann
had
withdrawn
from her again
,
even
after what they had shared
. 
Somehow she had thought that when he made love to her at last, he would feel the same as she did:  that they belonged together. 
Days had gone by
already
since they returned from the gathering.  The women were
still
all busily trading gossip and goods, the men bragging over their prowess, both at the games and with the women. 
And she…
she was reliving the most perfect moment of her life, which had been quickly followed by the most
heartrending.  He hadn’t even kissed h
er good night
.  For
such
a short time
, Ceann had been hers, body and soul, and then he had slipped
out of her grasp
again.
 
She
down
sat for a moment on
a
little bench in the garden, trying to regain her strength of heart.  What had happened at the gathering between them, it had meant something to her. 
It had meant
everything
to her. 
What did I expect
, that he would fall madly in love with
me
?  That
we
would live happily ever after?
  No, he hadn’t so much as spoken a word to her since
they had arrived back at Tulloch.  And she was heartsick over
him
, though her pride would not let her show it.

             
Elizabeth noticed, though. 
Ella
had often thought Elizabeth was
wise beyond her years
, or perhaps she had a touch of the Sight
.  She spi
ed
Ella
on the bench,
apparently
looking despondent,
because she
came to sit beside her
, placing a comforting hand on her shoulder
.

             
“Is it the Laird?” she asked.

             
How did she know?
 

             
A single tear rolled down
Ella
’s cheek, and Elizabeth wiped it away.   “Tell
me.  I swear on my life what
you
say will nev
er lea
ve my lips, but it will help
you
to speak of it.”

             
“Aye, it’
s the l
aird.”  She didn’t know how to begin. 
Ella
was not used to talking about
such
things
out loud
.  She usually kept her own counsel, but then, maybe Elizabeth could
give her some advice
.
  Elizabeth had been married for several years, and doubtless knew much more about the ways of men
than she did.
 
Ella took a breath and
began again.  “At the gathering, he and I… we…
lay together,
and he hasn’t spoken to me since.”

             
Elizabeth nodded, not seeming at all surprised by he
r confession.  “He cares for
you
,
Ella;
I can see it in his eyes.
”  She leaned closer in confidence, speaking in a low voice.  “It’s been the talk fo
r weeks now, when the two of
you
would finally get together.  Everyone assumes it will be just a matter
of time, the way
you
have the laird all riled.”  She sighed.
 
“
But men, well, they will always fight against matters of the heart…
at first.”  She smiled.  “My own father was a warrior, strong and fierce
he was
, and it was the same with him and my mam in the beginning.  As soon as he started to have
tender
feelings for her, he ran off.  She had to chase after him and convince him warriors could love,
and still be strong,
too.  He was fearless in battle, but terrified of his own
heart
, that
love
would make him weak
, less of a man
.” 

             
Ella
smiled at the image of Elizabeth’s fearsome father cowering before love.

             
“Perhaps you need to do a little chasing.  Men don’t always have enough
good
sense to
know
what they want or even what they need.”  She took
Ella
’s hand in her own.  “But i
f ther
e is truly something between
you
,
something that you want,
fight for it,
don’t
lose it
to pride
.  It may not come again
in this lifetime
, and regret
, my dear,
is one of the hardest things to live with.
”

***

             
The hour was growing late, but a light still burned in the study. 
Ella
held her breath as she cracked the door open to look in. 
No regret
s
. 
Ceann
was sitting alone
in a chair
by the fire, a flask
hanging from
one hand, the other raking
absently
through his ha
ir, as he seemed
to do when
ever
something bothered him. 
She only hoped it was her that plagued him; indifference would have been more than she could bear.  The warm, sensual
scent of peat smoke and whiskey
reached her as she pushed the door open and he
looked up and saw her there.
  His eyes betrayed him for an instant before he was able to hide the pain and confusion
Ella
saw in
them, now that she knew what to look for.

             
He turned back to the fire and grumbled
“
Go away Ella
, I want to be alone.”

             
She
ignored him and stepped into the room, shutting the door
firmly
behind her.
  “All right, in just a moment.
”

             
He frowned up at her.  “I
don’t
think you
know
what I mean by
alone
.
  I want to b
e in here by myself, without
you
or anyone else.  L
eave me!
  Now!
”

             
She
moved to stand behind his chair
, leaning forward on her elbows with a
long-suffering
sigh.
  “
You
have the rest of your life
to be alone, if that’s what
you
truly
want. 
You
can surely stand just a few more moments of
my
company. 
What is bothering you
so
,
Ceann
?”

             
He
gave a defeated groan
.
“I am not
bothered.”

             
“
You
look
particularly
bothered.”

             
He growled low in his throat
,
leaning
his head forward into his hand
.

             
“
Ceann
, h
ave I done
something to displease
you
?”
she asked softly. 
She tried to kee
p the hurt from her voice, because
s
he did want to be vulnerable before him
, should he deny her
.

             
He
let out a breath
and raked his hand thr
ough his hair again.  “No
, damn it all to hell
! 
You
pleased me
too
much.  I’m only trying to
save
you
from my
self
,
Ella
.
 
I don’t want you to suffer like I have. 
I am
only a man, and what I did was wron
g;
I
know
that.
I promise
you
i
t won’t happen again, but
I can
only
do that
if you stay
will
away from me.
  I can’t think clearly when you’re near… I can’t trust myself not to… Och Christ!
”
  He threw the empty flask at the wall
with a roar
.