Giggling Into the Pillow (21 page)
Read Giggling Into the Pillow Online
Authors: Chris Bridges
Tags: #comedy, #humor, #sexy, #stories, #essays, #sexy stories, #erotica anthology, #silly
“Exactly. I showed up and was greeted at the
door by Lisa, who was wearing her one-button suit. I apologized to
the damsel in disdress and made sure she understood that I was only
there to offer vice advice, and I think she even believed me. As
usually happens when a beautiful woman is around, Dick showed up.
'Hey Chris', he said, 'ready for some pant counterpant? ' We
repaired to the living room and I was offered the best seat, but I
turned her down again. All I needed was a comfortable seat, a good
view, and a supply of three-ply.”
“Weren't you afraid of hurting her
feelings?”
“Nah, she knew I just had a case of can'ts
in the pants. Besides, I had been bragging about my sowing machine
and I didn't want to be exposed as a male fraud. Anyway, Dick was
quintessentially tumescent and the big dame hunter was ready to go.
They embraced and began some serious foreplay, something I've
always considered the other 96% of sex. I'll skip the
details–”
“Hey!”
“–
and tell you what freaked
me out. He was doing some muff maintenance when he began to add
some of his fingers to the mix. Two was no problem, three followed
quickly, and it was apparent that he planned to be fister right.
She seemed fidgetty but happy, but I couldn't help it, I had to
ask, 'Geez, don't you use lube? ' So help me, they both stopped and
looked at me. 'What's lube? '“
look before he lipped?”
“Nope, never occurred to them. I couldn't
believe it! All the action they had been figuring and they never
thought to prime the pumper. I went through their house and pointed
out all the things that could help out with their swap meat. Dick
finally took an entire bottle of freshly squeezed baby oil and
hosed her down before he hosed her down. This time he had no
problem lending her a hand and he quickly found that now, thanks to
the lube, he could keep her at arm's length. She was shrieking and
moaning just like a woman being fisted, and she couldn't get
enough. I knew this because she kept screaming 'More! Oh, God,
more!' I hadn't guessed her for a religious woman, but there must
have been something to it because when I looked back at Dick he was
in over his head, literally. One shoulder was still visible, but
Lisa still wasn't getting enough Dick. It was like watching a snake
consume its prey; only the prey was getting off on it. Atlas
shrugged until he got the other arm in, and then he started
wriggling like a breech birth in reverse. Lisa's moans were making
the window glass shake, and all I could do was just watch. I was
petrified, in a localized manner.
“Shouldn't he have tied a board across
his–”
“It all happened too suddenly for safety
measures, and at any rate her pussy wasn't OSHA approved. By the
time I realized I should do something he was gone, his feet
disappearing with a slurping sound between her legs. Lisa released
one last shuddering moan and then came violently, possibly from the
fact that she had more Dick in her than any woman alive. It was
incredible, definitely one for the spurt's pages. Then she opened
her eyes and looked at me. She had that 'there's more food on the
buffet' look, and she was still moaning.”
“What did you do?”
“I wasn't planning on finding out what sort
of glandstand play she had in mind, I got the hell out of
there.”
“Can't say as I blame you, but it wasn't
very gentlemanly of you, leaving her hanging like that.”
Chris smiled ruefully. “C'mon, Raymond.
Everyone knows that the moanin' Lisa belongs hanging in the
lube.”
World’s
Greatest Gang Bang IV
audience sound, voice begins halfway through]
BILL
: Hello, and welcome to the World's Greatest Gang Bang IV!
Start your VCRs and get ready for 8 hours of non-stop excitement as
we watch world-famous porn star Throbbin' Robin Redwood take on all
comers and come on all takers as he goes for the world record and
nails a thousand women, right here on our stage!
STAN
: Ladies from around the world have gathered here in the Hoot
Island Uberdome to become part of the magic. This is going to be a
great event, so get your Kleenex ready and hang on!
BILL
: Hi, I'm Bill Harfarkinson.
STAN
: And I'm Stan Bulimic.
BILL
: And it's time for the World's Greatest Gang Bang 4! You
folks may remember back in 1995, a pretty little Asian thing named
Annabel Chong decided to go for the record and got poked 251 times
in one day.
STAN
: Nothing like all-American dedication, Bill!
BILL
: And then the next year Jasmine St. Clair took on the
challenge and managed 300 times in a 24 hour period.
STAN
: She's quite the romantic.
BILL
: And finally, last year a bouncy blonde named Houston went
for the gold and went at it a reported 620 times, and there the
record stands.
STAN
: But tonight we're turning the tables as famed porn star and
recording artist Throbbin' Robin Redwood takes the stage and
physically satisfies one thousand women with determination and
thick, throbbing fury.
BILL
: Let's go down to the stadium floor where former Baywatch
stand-in Kandi Frottage is talking to the Throbber
himself.
KANDI
: Thanks, Bill. I'm here in the Uberdome locker room where
Throbbin' Robin Redwood is going through his pre-bang stretches.
Robin, whatever possessed you to do this?
ROBIN
:
(stretching while he talks)
Oh, ah, ever since I was a young man I've, ah,
always been interested in nailing more women in one day than any
man alive, and I think every thing I've done in my professional
life has been leading up to this incredible moment.
KANDI
: And what a life you've had! 75 porn movies this year alone,
Best New Dick Award for 2000, you're building up quite a
legacy.
ROBIN
: Yeah, I just do it for the kids, y'know?
KANDI
: Do you see any difficulties in this extremely grueling
event?
ROBIN
: Nah, my wind is good, I'm in great shape, and c'mon, those
girls did it, didn't they? No sweat.
KANDI
: You heard it here guys, and I can tell you, he looks ready.
Wow.
BILL
: Thanks Kandi. Stan, tell us a little bit about what's going
to happen tonight.
STAN
: Well Bill, in the previous Gang Bangs there were a small
number of participants compared to the number of recorded bangs.
Even though Annabel got laid 251 times there were only 80 guys
involved, Jasmine managed to coax 300 screws out of just 50 men,
and a paltry 60 palookas nailed Houston over 600 times. But tonight
Throbbin Robin will undertake to satisfy a thousand different
women. I don't envy him that challenge, Bill.
BILL
: Nearly every nationality is represented here tonight, Stan.
Most of the women are American, but there are plenty of British
babes, French fillies, German girls, Swiss misses, and, to help
fill out the numbers needed, an awful lot of Russian mail-order
brides.
STAN
: What kind of women would volunteer to be part of such a
historical, massively sexist event? Kandi Frottage is down on the
stadium floor, talking to them now. Kandi?
women talking and laughing]
KANDI
: Thanks Stan, I'm here with #588, Thelma Hanson. Thelma, what
brought you here to be impersonally penetrated as one of a long
line of faceless bimbos?
THELMA
: Well, to be completely honest this is probably the only way
I would ever get laid in this or any other lifetime, so I jumped at
the chance.
KANDI
: I see what you mean. Um. You know, you could probably get
that lanced–
THELMA
: Plus you get this great t-shirt!
KANDI
: Guys, I tried speaking to some of the other women here, but
the ladies in this section all speak Russian and they seem very
confused and frightened.
BILL
: Thanks, Kandi, that's great. We're almost ready for the
starting bell now, so we'll be right back after a word from our
sponsors.
music is playing in a dark bedroom. We can just make out a couple
embracing with urgency. The camera pans around until we can see
their faces just as the woman says:]
WOMAN
: Ow!
MAN
: What's wrong, honey?
WOMAN
: The walls of my vagina aren't sufficiently lubricated,
lover.
MAN
: Hmmm, that's a problem.
[He crawls
down to peer at the problem area, removing his pipe from his mouth
to concentrate.]
There must be something we
can do.
WOMAN
: Oooh, honey, while you're down there, you could–
MAN
:
[interrupting]
There must be some sort of chemical answer to this.
[He prods her with the pipe, and then looks toward
the camera]
But can't Science help
us?
white lab coat and holding a pipe emerges from the closet]
SCIENTIST
: Yes, we can! We know that
sometimes the body is willing, but the body's natural lubrication
is weak. That's why we've developed HootGoo!
[cut to can of HootGoo on table]
HootGoo is made from 27 all-natural herbs and petrochemicals,
and each bottle offers unparalleled sensuality, heightened
sensations, outstanding viscosity stability, a very low coefficient
of friction, and a pleasing scent of honey.
MAN
:
[sitting up in bed, gesturing with
pipe]
But why is it any better than natural
lubrication, doctor?
WOMAN
:
[hiding under the sheets]
Or saliva!
SCIENTIST
: Well, we're not suggesting
that HootGoo is better than your body's natural oils, just that
your body's natural oils are worse. Follow me, and I'll
demonstrate.
she follows, the man just gets up and walks bareass (except for
black socks and sock-garters) as the Scientist leads them into a
previously dark portion of their bedroom where we see several other
men in white coats and holding pipes, all looking at 4 engine
blocks, each on a white column. The engine blocks are
running.]
SCIENTIST
: Here you can see where
we've filled these engines with different types of lubrication.
Watch how long each one lasts!
locks up and stops with a violent jerk]
SCIENTIST
: That one was filled with
natural lubrication.
[The man and woman
look at each other in surprise. The second engine locks up and
begins to emit billows of black smoke.]
That one was filled with ordinary petroleum jelly.
[The third one explodes, raining debris on the
bedroom.]
That engine contained Slick-50.
But notice how the engine filled with HootGoo is still going
strong! That's the sort of power you can bring to your conjugal
bliss, if you use HootGoo!
hand appears from off-camera and sticks a huge metal spout into the
top]
SCIENTIST
(v.o.):
HootGoo! Helps you
out, where Mother Nature fucked up.
restrictions and health hazards, all at .02 typeface as required by
law]
show music]
BILL
: And we're back live with the World's Greatest Gang Bang!
Stan, we're just about ready for the opening bell. Are you
excited?
STAN
: Not as excited as Throbbin' Robin, Bill! Look, you can tell
from here! Robin is making his way down to ringside and I think
we're just about ready to get started.
BILL
: I hope so, cuz it looks like Redwood is ready to start
whether anybody else is or not! Ever get one like that,
Stan?
