Gilgi (15 page)

There’s a rainbow round my shoulder … Old Dutch sailor! You don’t quite understand what it was about him that Martin liked so much. Not that it matters at all whether you understand everything, the main thing is
that Martin enjoyed it. Why? Who cares why. You have a sacred responsibility. To respect what the other person enjoys. People are quite happy to see others in trouble, then often they’re pleasant and sympathetic—and mostly they’re so mistrustful and intolerant of the unfamiliar little joys of those who think differently. The letter rustles under the pillow—you were going to say something—labor office … “it was so beautiful down there tonight, little Gilgi, I wished so much that you’d been with me.” Labor offi … every word gets stuck in your throat … wished so much that you’d been with me … another second and you’ll bust out crying for sheer happiness. It would be silly, anyway—there’s simply no point talking about such things to Martin. Quite suddenly, your eyes are opened a little to the way he’s made. You understand a little about Why and Because. You feel the spell of his refusal to be worried, his refusal to be weighed down, his lovable eagerness to take pleasure in everything, a pleasure which makes everything worthwhile, and his eagerness to find everything more important than himself. With his intellect, he has completed a journey in three stages—from the simple, via the complicated, to simplicity again. Is clever enough to have stopped engaging in clever talk, doesn’t need to say everything he knows. Isn’t witty—they’re so annoying, witty people—and of course anyone who really possesses wit has no need to be witty.

He’s a proper human being, is Martin—pas grand chose—but genuine and real, and he’s wonderful just the way he is, you wouldn’t want him to be different, not the slightest bit different.

“But you’re not even tired, Martin! Please, do me a favor, fetch me that big orange from the dining-room … Peel it
for me, would you? I always hate doing that. — — — Hey, Martin, you know, really people talk such terrible nonsense—for example, if a woman loves a man, she wants to be proud of him and admire him! That’s quite untrue. If you love a man, then you don’t want to be proud of him, then you just are proud of him, terribly proud—it’s impossible for you to be anything else—regardless of whether it’s the ex-emperor of China or Willy Fritsch or a hunchbacked guy who sells radishes on a street corner. And admiration! Nah, that won’t make a woman look up from her magazine. What good would the most fabulous, most learned university professor be to me if he didn’t know how to kiss properly — —”

A miracle comes to pass: Martin works for three days straight—day and night. Gilgi moves around the apartment on tiptoe. Cooks his lunch, puts it silently on his desk—disappears again. A few sentences on the handwritten pages become illegible, because they’ve got spinach stains on them—so tomorrow you’ll cook cauliflower.

Gilgi is left to her own resources. It occurs to her that she doesn’t have a thing to wear anymore. She’d rather string herself up than run around sloppily dressed. Her spring and summer wardrobes must be overhauled. It’s a good thing you have time for that. In the afternoon she goes to the savings bank, withdraws five hundred of her twelve hundred marks. Firstly you have to buy material, shoes, a hat—gloves—God, suddenly you need all kinds of things. Bath salts, a little perfume, face-powder … “first come powder and perfume—then food,” Olga always says. This statement contains profound wisdom. And also you’re
going to contribute to the household expenses, Martin needn’t notice. You’ll see if you can’t straighten things out a little after all, secretly, quietly, and softly.

That evening, Gilgi works like a madwoman at the sewing machine—half the night: a dress like this has to be made quickly, otherwise you lose interest. And the next morning she makes her planned visit to the labor office. You’ll get a little over thirteen marks a week. You don’t mind taking that! “Don’t you see, Martin?—more than fifty marks a month for nothing, nothing at all! That’s worth the trouble of picking it up!”

“Well, if it’s a kind of pension …” Martin once knew an army officer’s widow who also … There’s no point in explaining the purpose and significance of social welfare to him—he just doesn’t get it—so you won’t even try.

“Gilgi, I’ve gotten a friend to send me two thousand marks, shall we go away somewhere?”

Gilgi is shocked. “No.”

“But why not?”

“I can’t do that, Martin—you have to understand—I mean, everyone has something they can’t do. I can’t set off into the blue from one day to the next on borrowed money. I’m not a Philistine, and I’m not a coward, either, but I must be able to keep a grip on the things I do, and to take responsibility for them. I can’t be completely dependent on someone, even if it’s the person I like most in the world—maybe then least of all.

“Send the money back to your friend—or let’s pay debts with it—to please me, Martin …”

A thousand objections from Martin, a thousand more from Gilgi—and there’s a thousand-and-first objection too—maybe there is—you can’t talk about that one yet.
Great God—this happiness comes at a high price! There’s no possibility of holding onto it, none …

“Martin, be nice, be reasonable. No-one can change who he is. Look, I wouldn’t love you as much if I was being towed along helplessly in your wake. That’s a good reason, that is—isn’t it? Do you want me not to love you as much?” No, he doesn’t want that, he must like the little one more than he thought, because he goes cold all over just at the thought of that happening.

“I do want to respect all your crazy ideas, Gilgi, I swear to God—even when I don’t understand them. But as it turns out that your independence complex is incurable, then—why don’t you go to your mother—to the one who has so much money—she’s shown no interest in you her whole life long—there’s every reason why she should give you a few thousand marks—my God, it’s the most obvious thing in the world: anyone with money to spare gives it to people who are close to him—and who don’t have any at the time. I’ve always done it like that. Because having money is no fun at all in itself and …”

“No, no, no, Martin, I won’t do that—go there.” Gilgi is offended. “I won’t do that, I can’t do that, I don’t like the idea”—the exalted tone in her voice is making her angry, she throws her arms around Martin’s neck—“let’s just stay here, let’s just stay here, for God’s sake. And I don’t like that, I can’t ask anyone for money—can’t ask anyone …”

“But, my little Gilgi—of course I’d be a thousand times happier if you didn’t go. What’s the matter? There’s no reason for you to get so upset. I just thought that if relying on me a little disturbs you so much …” There’s almost a trace of bitterness in his words. What a terribly stupid man! They’re all the same. Their minds make them
logical, sometimes—their feelings make them illogical, always. “You men develop textbook cases of claustrophobia as soon as we become completely dependent on you—it’s your deepest fear: an obligation which deprives you of your freedom—all right, fine, it’s understandable. But then suddenly we’re supposed to rely utterly on you anyway, and if we don’t want to, then you’re even more annoyed …”—“My little Gilgi, they don’t suit you at all, these speeches in the plural: We women! You men! Come on, be nice and sweet. Will you be happy if I say: we’ll stay here, for God’s sake?”

“Yes, Martin, yes—and, we’ll pay some debts now, won’t we?”

“Yes,” Martin says. It sounds rather lukewarm, that Yes, and could just as well mean No. Nonsense—pay some debts! There’s still plenty of time for that. It’s so marvelous to have two thousand marks in your pocket, you simply hadn’t realized before how marvelous it is.

And that very afternoon, Martin goes to Olga. He wants to buy a beautiful fur coat for Gilgi—so Olga has to help him choose it—and material for a violet-blue dress, and dark amethyst jewelry in old silver settings to go with it. He saw it the other day at an antique dealer’s near the cathedral: ring, bracelet, necklace. That’ll be pretty—such a feather-light, pale little girl with such heavy jewelry. Olga is blazing with enthusiasm. Shopping is one of her passions, quite regardless of whether it’s for her or someone else.

“Ach, Martin!” Gilgi’s face trembles on the verge of tears as Martin, beaming with pleasure, spreads his treasures out before her that evening. If I start crying now … no, no, no—it made him so happy, and now I’m happy,
too, I’m so happy—so happy today, and tomorrow … yes, yes, I’m happy. He’s so good to me, so nice and so good.

The violet-blue material is duly made up into a dress the next day. Turns out really well. “I’ve never had such a beautiful dress, Martin!” He’s amazed: “You’re so good at this, little Gilgi! It’s a dream by Paul Poiret, a—what can I say …” And Gilgi’s cheeks glow with pride and joy. And it’s so cute—there’s no other way of putting it—so touchingly cute, the way these men look at a woman’s dress—with one eye for what’s in it, and the other for the dress itself—sort of semi-understanding things. And he’s so terribly proud of this semi-understanding—holding a bit of the silk in his hand almost reverently, anxiously, as though it could burst into flame between his fingers.

“Right, little Gilgi, we’re going out tonight—in the best style—and only eating and drinking things which are appropriate to the dress.” And Olga has to come with them, she chose the material with such a sacred passion.

“Right, and if we have the least spark of imagination, then we’ll be able to convince ourselves that this old rattletrap of a taxi is a fabulous Rolls-Royce—or—we’re archsnobs, Martin …”

“You’re as pretty as a picture, little Gilgi!”

“Always like hearing that kind of thing, Martin—please, say it again. What? Say it three more times—can’t ever hear it enough.—Martin, the fur coat! Well, it makes me think I’m—absolutely top-class, Martin! Stop it—don’t mess up my hair—I’m too elegant now for such backseat fumblings. Stop!!! We’re there—go up, Martin—fetch Olga …

“Wait a second, Martin—how do they do it: left foot on the ground, right foot on the running board—the wife
of chairman of the board So-and-So and her streamlined, sporty 17/100 hp four-seater cabriolet with its elegantly customized bodywork—
Elegant World
—back page … I’m sorry, Martin, but all this provokes me into being uncouth. So now I’ll spit, in a first-class, streamlined, elegantly customized three-meter arc over to that wall there. Oh, Martin—Martin—no, you can’t do that—in broad daylight on a public street—Martin, let me go—if that’s from
Customs and Traditions of the South Sea Islanders
—it’ll get you into trouble with some customs and traditions of the Cologne City Police … Don’t, Martin—otherwise I’ll have to spend more than the thirteen marks unemployment benefits on my lipstick — — — go on, get up there, Martin!”

The young lady Gilgi stands by herself beside the taxi, dragging her upper lip at a crazy angle down over her attractive white teeth. Suddenly turns pale under her makeup, a shoulder sags back against the side window—it’ll all get serious soon, it’ll all be over soon … She puts her brave little-girl face back on quickly. You’ll get through it—one way or another—you have courage, and you won’t let it get you down, and with God’s help—at least it won’t be twins.

“Ah, Olga, my dear Olga! Doesn’t she look marvelous, Martin! I think it’s unnatural that you’re not in love with her — — —”

“Little Gilgi, your men are sacrosanct to me.”—“Men! Who said anything about polyandry!”—“Yes, we’re all hopelessly monogamous.”—“Of course, we’re decadent from sheer morality …”

There’s a lot to be said for hiding your feelings under chatter. Dear Olga. Gilgi is holding Olga’s hand, her knees are enclosed by Martin’s knees. Three people are speaking to each other, knees are speaking to each other, and two
hands.—You have to love her, Olga, this frivolous girl.—Gilgi laughs, draws her fur coat around her shoulders with a graceful, gentle movement—the dark amethyst glows on her pale, slender ring-finger—her left hand is gripped around Olga’s, digging her fingernails into Olga’s soft palm. Don’t be afraid, little girl—Olga’s fingers say—don’t be afraid—there’ll be no questions, nothing said—I’ll wait, and when the time comes I’ll be here. You can be sure of that—and is it enough that you can be sure? Thanks a lot, Olga.

“Where are we going, anyway? Oh, to the Savoy …”

“Yes, Chablis first—old Pommery later …”

“Oh, Martin, I think most high-class people have a waiter psychosis. They order only the best dishes, and pretend that they do it all the time—just to impress the waiter. I suppose that’s some kind of ambition!”

They eat, they drink, they laugh. They get on well together and feel good.—“Nothing agrees with me today,” Gilgi complains after the second glass of champagne. Feels like she’s been KO’d by a heavy leaden tiredness. But soon she’s laughing again, she’s kicking over the traces, and she’s just a tiny, tiny bit too loud. “Your health, children,” she cries, with an unpleasant little undertone of mockery in her voice. Gallows humor. “Your health, children—are there three or four of us here at the table?”—“Are you already seeing double, little Gilgi?”—“Qui sait?” She laughs.

“Pit came to see me a few days ago,” Olga says, “he was asking after you, Gilgi, and …” Pit! Gilgi passes a hand over her forehead. Pit! “What’s he doing, how is he?” Her questions tumble over each other. If he was looking for me, then he needs me—Gilgi suddenly feels a senseless longing for Pit, for his hard solitariness, for the clarity
of his being. She jumps up—“I have to go to him for a bit—don’t be angry with me, Martin—is he still playing in Lintstrasse, Olga? I’ll take a taxi, Martin—I’ll be there in five minutes, and back again in no more than a half-hour.” Martin objects, Olga objects: now—so suddenly—surely you’ve been all right without him for long enough—tomorrow will be just as good—but why—why … “God in heaven, you’re driving me crazy. Does everything always have to be explained!!! I want to go now—now—try to understand me—no, I want to go alone …” She’s already outside in a taxi.

Love Song From Tahitiiii … “Hello, young man,” Gilgi says, tapping Pit on the shoulder—just like the last time … Pit looks up. His face has become even narrower, even paler, his eyes even more sunken—different—not softer—no—his gaze is more distant.