Gilliflowers (43 page)

I slowly drank the rest of the pint, though it didn’t taste quite as good as those first few mouthfuls. They were soured a little by guilt. It didn’t stop me applying the adage
‘might as well be hung for a sheep as a lamb’
and going back to the bar to buy a second pint. Setting it on the table I soothed the burn on my hand by holding it against the cold glass while pondering.

My second cookery class loomed next day. I made a decision. I wouldn’t attend.

The designated dish of medallions of pork loin in a peach and sherry sauce held little appeal. I already had similar recipes in my repertoire. It wouldn’t be a challenge and it wouldn’t increase my skill level.

I took a few more swallows of lager and tried out some mental justification. I didn’t think Dick and Shane had been fair to remove the option of an alcohol review. I should at least have had the chance to re-state my case. It wasn’t unreasonable to want to have an occasional drink, especially now I was taking a higher dose of medication.

The increase had brought side effects I hadn’t yet adjusted to. They slowed me down.

My mouth was dry and my hands had developed a fine tremor. It was probably why I spilled the coffee. My skin was also paying the price. It was oilier, a perfect breeding environment for the spots I hate. Why shouldn’t I have a little treat by way of compensation? It wouldn’t do any harm. I was covered. I took another drink. It was an experiment that needed to be done. It would help disprove the theory that alcohol was always a catalyst for my episodes and it would also test out the efficacy of the drugs.

To my chagrin Leo sat down at my table, mentally speaking. He took on the role of Jiminy Cricket. His words came to mind about it being my duty to respect and obey my dominants wishes and also my duty to report when I failed to do so. The thought of confessing my sin to Father Shane made me quail. He would punish me and not with a baby cane. Trust Leo to ruin my night.

Finishing off the rest of my pint I put on my coat and left the pub, calling goodnight to the landlady and raising a hand in farewell to the nodders.

I took a slow walk home. The two pints had gone to my head. I felt drunk and spacey. Six months or more without a drink had seriously reduced my alcohol tolerance. I got home and closed and bolted the drive gates, standing for a few moments taking deep gulps of the night air before going indoors.

The lounge was in darkness. The men folk were abed. I locked up, took my meds and went upstairs, going straight into the main bathroom where I brushed my teeth and tongue and swilled my mouth with copious amounts of mint mouthwash to try and eradicate or at least mask the smell of lager.

I was in luck. Dick and Shane were asleep, their bodies tangled together. I could tell they’d made love, scenting their sexual chemistry and the chlorine odour of semen. I quickly undressed, switched off the bedside lamp and climbed carefully into bed, curling on my side with my back to Shane. Damn! I cringed as he stirred.

Thankfully he didn’t roll over to embrace me, not wanting to disturb Dick I suppose.

“You’re back late.”

“Sorry. I didn’t mean to wake you.”

“Have you taken your pill?”

“Yes.”

“Did you enjoy your evening with Eileen?”

“It was fine thanks. Goodnight, Shane.”

He responded in kind and silence fell. The alcohol I’d consumed soon sent me into a heavy sleep, but it didn’t last. I awoke around four with an urge to pee and couldn’t get back off to sleep afterwards. I felt hung over and nauseous. I had a thudding headache and an uber dry mouth, but at least I wasn’t twitching and shaking like a Chihuahua trying to kick a heroin habit. I lambasted myself for being fool enough to drink two pints. It was too much after my long period of abstinence. I should have stuck to a smaller measure, or better still, a chill of guilty shame swept over me, I shouldn’t have had a drink at all.

Giving up on sleep I got up and went downstairs to take some headache pills and have a good drink of water. I made myself a cup of tea and felt better, physically anyway. My conscience was another story. It was divided against itself, one half urging confession and the other urging to let sleeping Chihuahuas lie. Least said soonest mended and all that.

I half expected Shane to be able to smell the guilt, as well as the lager fumes I fancied were oozing from my pores when he came down to breakfast. His guilt detector seemed to be switched off. He was already fully dressed barring his suit jacket.

“I’ll have to be quick this morning, Gilli.” He adjusted his cufflinks. “I’ve got an early meeting. Remember Dick and I won’t be in for dinner tonight. We’ve got a chapter meet to attend straight from work.”

“When was this arranged?”

“Weeks ago. It’s on the calendar if you bothered to look.”

“What time will you be back? I’ll make something for you coming in.”

“No need. We’re eating out with Leo afterwards, he’ll be at the meeting too. He’s reserved a table at the sushi restaurant. We’ll be back about eleven-thirty. Do something for yourself.” He gave me a critical glance. “And have an early night. You look tired. You were up too late last night.”

“I’m fine.” I said irascibly, put out by a meeting I’d forgotten about and a dinner I was excluded from. “I can survive one late night. It’s not like I was carousing into the early hours, chance would be a fine thing. There are monks in closed orders who have a wilder time than I do.”

Despite my best efforts IEM began taking over, driven by guilty anxiety. My voice rose. “I know you think I’m an idiot, but I can actually fend for myself. I don’t need to be babysat all the time.” I made a lateral change of subject. “Isn’t it about time you and Dick went away together? You need a break from me and I need a break from being taken for granted.”

Folding his arms he glared at me. “Where the hell did all that come from?”

“I know you and Dick need a holiday on your own, so go. It’ll save me from having to watch you make cow eyes at each other. Sod off to Portugal. I’ll be okay. I won’t bin my meds or go on a booze binge the moment you head for the airport.” I regretted the words. They made my bowel go into remorse spasms. The headache I thought I’d vanquished with paracetamol returned.

“I won’t deny Dick and I would like a holiday, but now isn’t the time to be gallivanting, not in the present economic climate. Maybe next year.”

“You said that last year.”

“Why is it bothering you? You hate us going away together. I’m not discussing the subject with you, Gilli. You’re overwrought this morning. What’s your problem?”

“You are, you and Dick. All you do is work or talk about work. I hardly ever see you and when I do see you all you do is nitpick.”

“We have to work for Christ’s sake. Times are hard. Companies are folding every day. If we don’t put in the time and effort we’ll go under. Is that what you want?”

“No of course not!” I shouted the words. “But I have a life too you know and it would be nice to be asked about it from time to time. The only question you ever ask me is if I’ve taken my meds. I’m sick of it. I’m more than a medical condition, Shane.

I’m me and I do things.” I suddenly started crying, snorting undignified snotty bubbles down my nose. “I do things, but you never ask about them.”

“What am I missing here, Gilli? Spit it out.”

“If you don’t know then I’m not telling you.”

“What’s going on, what’s the matter?” Dick padded into the kitchen sounding like a cross housewife come to deal with unruly children.

“God knows, Dick.” Shane ran a hand through his hair. “I haven’t got time to play guessing games with him. I must get to this meeting.” He turned to me, smartly clapping his hands. “Pull yourself together and finish making breakfast. We’ll talk later when you’re in a calmer and more rational frame of mind.”

Pulling up my top I wiped my nose with it. “Tell the Rottweiler you employ as a secretary I’m available 24/7. I’m sure she can find a small slot to pencil an unimportant person into.”

“I swear, boy, one of these days I’m going to call in favours and have you encased in concrete and used as a flyover foundation stone.”

“At least I’d be in the fucking fast lane for a change instead of in a lay-by with a pair of geriatric caravanners.”

It was cheek too far. His hand paid a visit to my backside delivering several stingers.

“You asked for that you insolent little bugger.” Dick sat down at the table. “It’s a shame your mouth doesn’t require a pin number to unlock it. You’d get into less bother.”

Scraping out a chair Shane also sat down at the table. “I don’t want to hear another word from you this morning. You’re a hairsbreadth away from a proper hiding. Get me my coffee and eggs.”

I silently presented Shane with coffee and poached eggs and Dick with his usual weekday cereal, tea and toast. I ate a bowl of cornflakes.

Shane was soon on his way. He left Dick with a kiss on the lips and me with instructions for an early bedtime, nine-thirty at the latest. His final words being.

“Don’t forget to take your meds.”

I stuck my tongue out at his departing back, making no effort to see him to the door. He could find his own fucking way.

“Come here grumpy guts.” Pushing back his chair Dick patted his lap and held out his arms. I settled myself on his knee, leaning against him. He wrapped his arms around me and cuddled. “What’s wrong, my flower, what’s gnawing at you this morning? Tell me.”

It was the perfect opportunity to come clean, but I didn’t. He’d report to Shane and I’d get a caning. There would be no compromise. I’d contravened a hard limit and I would be punished for it.

It wasn’t pure cowardice that kept me silent. Confessing my sin would have a double negative effect. It would damage my bottom and it would confirm I couldn’t be trusted, which was hardly likely to encourage them to take the holiday they needed.

It was true I didn’t like them going away without me, but I was beginning to fear they’d resent me if they didn’t get the alone time they obviously hankered after.

I remained silent on the subject of Stella. I told him about my classes, confessing I was hurt by their failure to remember I’d signed up for them and also hurt by their recent neglect in general.

“I know your work is important, Dick, but I work too. It’s not like I sit at home filing my nails all day. You and Shane have barely spared me a glance lately, not unless it’s to grumble about something.”

“Poor baby,” he hugged tighter, “lumbered with two insensitive men. I’m sorry.

Listen, hun, Shane and I aren’t perfect by any means, but we do care. We’re not mind readers either. If you have a problem with something we’re doing or not doing then you have to state it plainly and in a voice loud enough for us to hear. Otherwise we assume everything is okay and you’re in a mood for no particular reason, as you often are.”

“Do I get on your nerves, Dick? I know I get on Shane’s.”

“Sometimes yes,” he smiled to take sting out of the words, “but then I get on yours from time to time. Not so long ago I feared you were going to put out a contract on me. Friction is normal in relationships. Don’t worry so much about things. This is a tough and testing patch for all of us. We’ll ride it out.”

“You need a holiday with Shane. I heard you, Dick. I heard you ask him if you’d ever get to go to Portugal again.”

“Ah,” he pulled a guilty face. “I didn’t intend for you to hear and I meant no slight by it.”

“I know. It upsets me and I won’t pretend any other, but I understand. You and Shane need your couple time. I want you to have it.” I managed a smile. “I need a break too. It’ll do us all good.”

“You’re a sweet man.” He rubbed my thigh. “Perhaps we’ll manage it later in the autumn. We’ll see. I’ll talk it over with Shane.” He kissed my cheek. “I’m afraid this geriatric caravanner must get ready for work. I’ve got a lot on. What have you got planned for today? Why don’t you go to your cookery class? Give it another go. I promise to ask about it.”

I got off his knee. “Nah. I don’t fancy it now.”

“So you’ve wasted your money paying for classes you’re not going to attend?”

“I haven’t wasted my money. I’ve wasted yours and Shane’s. I put it on household expenses as staff training.” I laughed, dodging the slap he aimed at my backside. “I might do some gardening if the weather holds. The pond needs clearing of leaves again. I’m sick of the bloody thing.”

“Don’t overdo it. Shane’s right, you do look tired. You’ve got dark smudges under your eyes. Do as he told you and have an early night. It isn’t good for you to get overtired.”

“Don’t fuss, Dick. I get enough of that from Shane. It gets on my tits when you both go on about my health all the time. I’m not a fucking invalid.”

“Oy!” He poked his forefinger at me. “Watch your lip. Someone has to worry about your health, because you do damn all to take care of it yourself.”

He went to get ready for work and I began washing the breakfast pots. Once he’d left I changed the bed, wiped around the bathroom sink, cleaned the toilet, put in a load of laundry and then went out into the garden and skimmed the pond of fallen leaves. It was a pointless exercise. By the time I’d bagged them there was already a fresh layer floating on the surface. I was beginning to wonder whether the damn thing was worth all the work I’d put in. It looked nice enough when it wasn’t clogged with leaves, but according to pond lore it should have attracted a variety of wildlife in the shape of dragonflies, frogs and newts. It had failed to deliver. Newts, frogs and dragonflies had so far spurned my pond. The picky bastards!

It began to drizzle and I went back indoors. The day stretched ahead. I had no dinner to plan and prepare. I felt restless and uneasy. The hall floor was dusty so I got the Swiffer out. As I swiffed I noticed there were several scuffed areas on the walls.

Dick’s bag of golf clubs and his camera tripod were responsible for some of them. He was a menace for scraping them against the walls. I glanced around. A coat of emulsion would work wonders. I was sure there was enough paint left over from when I’d decorated the hall last year to use as a freshener. I brightened. Gillibran Brown, master decorator, had his project for the day.