Gilliflowers (45 page)

Dick covered Shane’s hand with his own hand, tilting his head back to smile. “I’ll see to it this afternoon.”

“Good man.” Shane leaned to kiss him and then sat back down at the table.

The exchange was brief, but potent, imbued with an underlying passion. I glanced at them, guilt and gloom deepening as I fancied they looked older than they had several days ago.

The words Penny had said at Christmas had been haunting my mind off and on like a pale ghost all year, but now they were strengthening. I
was
becoming a burden to these men. Their lives had been ordered and fine as a couple and then I landed on them and turned order into chaos and a couple into a trio. It hadn’t been so bad when the couple could escape from time to time, but now they couldn’t, or felt they couldn’t. Dick definitely wouldn’t get his holiday alone with Shane, not after this. I didn’t want them to be prisoners of my condition any more than I wanted to be one.

Once breakfast was over I went to have a bath. Dick acted as supervisor, sitting on the loo reading a photography magazine as I stretched out in the hot water. I lay for a few moments and then cleared my throat. “Dick, did you talk to Shane about going on holiday?”

“I didn’t get chance, hun.”

“Are you going to?”

“No.”

“Why not?”

“Because it isn’t an option. What if something happened when we were away?

We’d never forgive ourselves.”

“Nothing will happen.”

“You can’t guarantee it, Gilli.” He closed the glossy magazine and put it down on the floor. “Things come out of the blue, like they did on Thursday. There was no reason for any of us to suspect something like that would happen. You’d had all your meds, but it still happened.”

“I’m so sorry, Dick.” I sat up wiping wet hands over my face. “You got more than you bargained for with me. I wish I could go back to the day when all this,” I touched my head, “kicked off again. Maybe there was something I could have done to prevent it. If I hadn’t put that stupid light bulb in or at least if I’d put it in properly then it might not have triggered it all off again. I feel like I’ve trapped you. I never meant to.

I want you and Shane to be my lovers not my carers. I don’t want to be a burden you feel obliged to bear.”

“Hey-hey, what’s all this burden nonsense?” Dick got up and came over to the bath, sitting on the edge of it. He stroked my face. “Care has always been an aspect of our relationship, sweetheart. It’s an aspect of all relationships worth their salt. Don’t worry,” he winked, “Shane and I will call in the favour when we’re old and decrepit.

We’ll run you ragged. We’ll make you push our bath chairs up Blakey Bank in winter.”

I smiled at his joke, but still felt bad. “You love Portugal and you’re longing to go.

I don’t want you to resent me because you can’t get the time alone you need with Shane. You having a week of being two was always part of the deal of us being three.

I know I never behave well over it, but I don’t want you not to have it.”

He caressed my face. “Shane and I going away together wasn’t a condition of us being a threesome, it was simply an aspect and now it no longer applies because of circumstances. Life changes for one reason or another and we adapt. We’ll survive not having a week in Portugal. You’re our boy and you come first.”

There comes a point when the call of conscience has to be heeded. It was time to waken the Chihuahua. I took a deep breath and cleared my throat. “I have to tell you something and you’re not going to like it. The paint didn’t randomly cause my episode. It probably wouldn’t have bothered me if I hadn’t had a hangover. I felt like shit. I shouldn’t have tried to paint at all. I should have had a lie down until I felt better.”

“Hangover!” He looked shocked, his brown eyes opening wide. “You had a hangover?”

I hurried on. “So you see there really is no need to call in a decorator. You can cancel him. I can do the job as long as I’m clear headed. There’s no need to worry about me so much. You can go away with Shane. I’ll take my meds properly and I’ll be fine.”

Dick stood up. All softness vanished from him. “How much did you drink and where, was it at Eileen’s on Wednesday?”

“No.” I drew my legs up and wrapped my arms around them, feeling chilled despite being in hot water, and in more ways than one. “She was out. I ended up at the Rose and Crown. I only had two pints of Stella, but it went straight to my head. I’m truly sorry, Dick.”

“Only,
only
two pints! That’s two too many by my reckoning. I should think you are sorry.” Stooping he pulled out the plug and then grasped my arm hauling me out of the bath in a spray of water droplets.

I knew from experience that the issuing of a penance usually followed confession of a sin. I somehow doubted three Hail Mary’s and an Our Father would be considered sufficient in this case. Dick confirmed it.

“You’re in serious trouble.”

“I know, Dick.”

He didn’t ask why I’d done it and I didn’t attempt to offer excuses. I could have said I was upset after what had happened with the coffee or said I was feeling fed up and neglected because they were always at work, but there was no point. I’d breached a hard limit. Why didn’t matter. I could offer a dozen excuses and none of them would be accepted. I was expected to obey the rule whatever the circumstances.

“I’m going to talk with Shane.” Dragging a towel off the rack he thrust it at me.

“Get dried.”

He strode out of the room and I rubbed the towel over my skin, my guts churning with apprehension. I expected to hear footsteps thundering on the stairs at any moment. They didn’t come. I went into the bedroom and got dressed and then sat on the window ledge chewing my fingernails. Shane’s footsteps sounded at last. I stood up as he entered the bedroom.

“Only you, Gillibran,” grasping my hand he briskly pulled me across the room, seating me on the willow bedroom chair, “only you could decide to take a trip up a ladder while hung over and knowing what the outcome might be.”

Folding his arms he gazed down at me for a long stern moment before speaking again. “First time?”

I nodded.

“I have to hand it to you, when you fall you fall hard. There are no half measures, certainly not drink measures, two pints amounts to a determined act of defiance. I’m disgusted with you.”

I flushed, averting my eyes. “Sorry.”

“I’m not interested in sorry and I’m not going to waste energy by holding a post mortem on the matter. It shouldn’t have happened. It was pure disobedience.” His cold composure suddenly gave way to something more heated. “You reckless little fool, endangering yourself like that! Make no mistake, I’m going to punish you, but now isn’t the time. You’re going to do as advised and rest, so get those clothes off and get into bed. Jump to it! This room, my young prince, is your palace for the weekend.

You don’t leave it.”

I undressed, deeply conscious of him watching me. The atmosphere was such that I felt utterly chastised despite there being no physical contact between us.

Once I’d climbed into bed he left the room without a backward glance. I lay back against the pillows and did some slow breathing in an effort to quell the butterfly riot in my stomach. Although I was scared stiff of the punishment due to me I didn’t regret making the confession. It had needed to be done.

An image of Jiminy Leo looking smug popped into my mind. My contrition was sincere, but I wasn’t putting up with that. “Fuck off, Leo!” Snatching the remote from the bedside cabinet I aimed it at the television.

My ‘vision’ of smug Leo turned out to be something of a premonition. On Sunday evening, after a long restful weekend of aching tedium in the palace, I decided to enquire what time the decorator was due next morning. Picking up my mobile from the bedside cabinet I called Shane. His phone was switched off. I called Dick. His phone was also switched off, so I called the house phone. It was engaged or more likely off the hook. I scowled. Bastards. They’d obviously gotten sick of my constant calls. Driven by boredom I’d morphed into one of those people who feel compelled to have a lug permanently pressed to a mobile phone, asking such banal questions as, ‘what are you doing? What are you doing now? Where are you? Where are you now and so on.’ At one point I called Dick to inform him I was going to the loo. I then called him back to tell him I’d been.

Opening the bedroom door I stuck an arm out and waggled it about. It didn’t burst into flames or turn to sand so I knew Shane hadn’t spelled the landing with dark magic to stop me escaping. Leaning on the landing banister rail I bawled my question.

“What time is the decorator due in the morning?” There was no response so I hit the repeat button and upped the volume.

Shane’s voice sounded (exasperated) from the lounge. “About ten minutes after Leo picks you up at ten to eight.”

Shock rendered me momentarily speechless. I soon recovered. “You have to be winding my music box!” I flew down the stairs and shoved open the lounge door.

The boyfriends were snuggled on the couch together. There was a bottle of red wine open on the coffee table. The television had been abandoned in favour of music.

They were listening to a Neil Diamond CD, one of Shane’s perennial favourites. The track that was playing brought a cast of envy to my skin. Whenever ‘Forever in Blue Jeans’ was played at a party you could guarantee Shane would get Dick up to dance to it, and sing the lyrics to him, his handsome face all smiles.

“Oh how sweet and romantic. It’s an old fogey’s love in. I see why you insisted I stay upstairs all weekend and what do you mean about Leo picking me up?”

Shane set his wine glass down. “You didn’t imagine we were going to leave some poor innocent at your tender mercy all day. You’re best out of the way so the man can do his job without being harassed.”

“Harassed? What the hell do you think I’m going to do? Sabotage his paintbrushes, put a grenade in his emulsion can?”

“I wouldn’t put anything past you. You won’t be able to resist poking your nose in. The poor bloody man will be tripping over you. I’m working tomorrow. Dick will see to the decorator and you’re going to spend the day being a good boy at Leo’s.” He stood up. “Take your sassy arse back upstairs before I blister it.”

I was set to argue. Then I glanced at Dick. He hadn’t said a word and he looked, I don’t know, pensive, something. I had indeed gatecrashed a love in. For once I let the better man in me have ascendancy. God knows a weekend in the lounge listening to Neil Diamond tracks could hardly be equated with a week in Portugal, but it was better than nothing. It was time they needed as a couple. I wouldn’t spoil it any further. Arguments and protests about decorators and Leo could wait until later.

Closing the lounge door with a soft click I returned to my palace suite.

The day at Leo’s was at least a change of scene if not a change of pace. His brief regarding my activity was to keep it to a minimum. No running, not even a brisk walk. I could take a stroll around the garden, but that was it. I was to rest.

Leo wouldn’t even allow me to help him in the kitchen. He had a poker evening lined up and was preparing a selection of gourmet snacks for his gambling mates.

Present them with anything as common as crisps and peanuts? I think not. He let me act as official taster and that was it. He made some delicious lamb kofters. I could happily have scoffed them by the dozen, not that I said so. I graciously told him they were pleasant enough and then pinched another couple when he wasn’t looking.

Of course he had his usual joke at my expense. Handing me a bag he said he’d borrowed some DVD’s from his great nephew. He thought they might be of interest to me and help keep me occupied. Oh fucking funny! Shoving Bob the Builder and Peppa Pig back into the carrier bag I hurled it at him. Wagging a stern finger he told me to sit down and behave or he’d have to tell my Daddy I’d been a naughty boy for uncle Leo.

When I got home the hall was freshly painted. I could have let the matter go uncommented on, but I didn’t. My gob has to open even when my brain is urging it to stay shut. It opined. The cream paint used was a shade darker than I liked and not as well applied as it might have been. There were too many air bubbles in it. I’d have done a better job and I wasn’t even professionally trained. I hoped they hadn’t kept the man’s business card, because he wouldn’t be needed again. The pair of them exchanged eyeball rolls, but said nothing.

Life settled back into a regular routine. The men folk got on with their jobs and I got on with mine. At first I was more than happy to let the question of punishment drift, but as the days wore on it began hanging over me like a cloud. Part of me hoped against all hope that Shane would somehow miraculously forget about it, but deep down I knew he wouldn’t. He had made a promise and he’d follow through when he considered the time to be right. I grew anxious, wanting it over and done with.

Eleven days after falling off the wagon the day of reckoning dawned. It was a chilly Sunday morning with a stiff breeze circling dry leaves around the garden. I woke first and got up. We’d engaged in some bedtime barbecue action the night before. I’d been spit roast between them and was still naked. I pulled on briefs, jeans and a t-shirt and went downstairs to make a start on breakfast.

The men folk duly came down. Shane was wearing a pair of loose fit blue jeans and an olive green grandad top, which was snug on fit, accentuating his broad chest and shoulders. Dick was wearing what I call his artist clothes, looking effortlessly elegant in a pair of comfortable white linen pants and a loose white shirt. They indicated he was planning on doing some work in his studio. They both looked sexy in their own way and my cock hardened with the anticipatory hope of some after breakfast action.

We ate breakfast, we chatted, and then all at once the atmosphere subtly changed, reminding me of the day when the hard limit regarding alcohol had been put in place.

Relaxation gave way to tension. Shane finished off his second cup of coffee. Dick wiped his mouth on a napkin and pushed his chair back from the table. They exchanged a pre-arranged look. Dick said, “I’ll set them out.” Shane nodded. Dick stood up, patted my cheek and left the room.