Girl Seduced (The Girl Interrupted Trilogy Book #1) (7 page)

             
Sabrina came to see me every day.  Her concern was overwhelming, especially since it was her that had initiated the party to begin with. She felt completely responsible for what had happened. We didn’t talk about it. She didn’t ask a lot of questions and I didn’t offer a lot of information.  I did tell her only the basics – that a drug had been put in my coffee, that I had been attacked, but I didn’t tell anyone that it had been seven different people as far as they could tell, including my rectum, my mouth, and that I might not ever be able to have children.  I was sure she had heard by now, but who knows what the story had turned into at this point.

             
Jonathan came, of course, as soon as he heard.  But, all he had heard was that I had been attacked after the party. At least he was gentleman enough not to say anything more than that.  I told him nothing.  How could I tell him this?  How could I tell him that I had actually had methamphetamine in my system and enjoyed it?  Or that I was part of an eight-person gang sex event that I think I actually enjoyed being part of until I passed out? 

             
Is it possible that I enjoyed it?  How? The part that made me feel the most sick was that I had never felt so free, so uninhibited or exhilarated as I did right after I drank that latte.  That part I couldn’t even tell Sabrina.  How could I tell her that I enjoyed taking a drug? It had to be the drug. But it was all I could think about it.  Did that mean I was addicted?  Of course not.  How could I be after only using it one time?  And it isn’t like I USED it – it was given to me in a small dose. 

             
But I couldn’t stop thinking about it.  Using it, just for a few minutes gave me the most elated feeling I had ever felt, surrounded by people I didn’t even know.  I was just overjoyed to be alive, wherever I was.  I mean, what would it hurt to use it just one more time?  I had already missed so much school and I knew how hard it was going to be to catch up.  If I could use that drug just for a couple of times, I could get caught up and do and extraordinary job, I was sure of it.  Right now, I just had to get better so I could go home and figure out how to find it.

Chapter Ten

On the third day I was in the hospital, my parents came to see me.  It hadn’t even occurred to me to think about what I was going to say to them. I knew that they would come and, my father, being a lawyer, could figure out a legal loophole around anything, and already knew everything that the police knew and had already hired a private detective to find out exactly who the perpetrators were. He wouldn’t accept that I was a willing participant and claimed that he could use my past history, academic and behavioral records and even a psychological evaluation if necessary to prove it.  I could hear him before he ever entered the room.  But, I was glad to have them there with me, especially my mother.  She always knew exactly what and how to speak to me so that I didn’t feel like I had done something wrong.

“You were
the victim dear.  This is no different than if someone had robbed you at the local supermarket.  You didn’t give away your beautiful body and soul – in reality you are still a virgin and your wedding night should be a separate event entirely than what has happened to you.  I wish I could take your pain away from you, like when you were little.”  She always brought me chamomile tea when I was little and of course, she had it now, but the tea gave me the shudders, reminding me of the latte. 

“No thanks,
mom.   My stomach is still a little weak from all of the medicine.  I hope you understand.” 

“Of course
, dear.  You don’t have to eat or drink anything you don’t want to.” She looked at my father and they began to talk, making plans for me, as if I couldn’t hear them.

“She needs to come home for a rest.”

“At least until we prosecute these criminals for what they’ve done.  She could suffer psychological damage for the rest of her life from this.”  And he went on and on, but I just looked the other way, out the window.  All I could think about was how I felt.  I couldn’t believe it, but I had to admit to myself, as much as I hated to, that the feeling I got when I drank that latte, no matter what was in it, was something that I knew I wanted to feel again.

“I told you she was too young to go off to college by herself – and especially with you-know-who.”  Of course they were talking about Sabrina.  They had never really cared for her because her family was not a “proper” family, but as with all things, they had allowed me to do whatever made me happy as long as it didn’t hurt me or anyone else, as mother would always say.

“Don’t you want to come home and take a break for a while?  Your father can make the arrangements for you and I’ll take care of you – we can hire a nurse and…”

I panicked, mostly at the thought of being in a place where I wouldn’t have access to that feeling again.  Did I just think that?  Yes I did and I
couldn’t help it.  But a couple more times and that was it.  Then maybe I would go home for a semester.

“No, mom.  I really need to finish this semester and then I will come home for Christmas.  We can talk about taking some time off then, if I still need it, OK?”  She kept fluffing my pillow and straightening my sheets until my father could see that it was making me nervous.  He winked at me and said,

“Jasmine, dear, we are going to go and let you sleep.  We’ll be back in the morning to help you get your things and get you back to the dorm, OK?  Are you sure there’s nothing you need?” 

             
“No, dad, I’m fine.”

             
“I hope you don’t mind,” (which meant that it didn’t matter whether I did or not) “but I had a security system with a coded alarm installed in your dorm room.  The security department at the school knows and they are in agreement.  The code is in your suitcase, but I’ll make sure you have it in the morning as well, OK?”  That’s my dad.

             
“Thanks, dad.   I feel better already.”  I watched as the two of them reluctantly left.  I looked towards the window again and could see the sun going down.  It was going to be dark soon and then morning would come and I could go home.  Home, where I could try to get back to normal.  Home where Sabrina and I could figure out how to find someone who could help me get just a little bit more of what was in that latte – just once or twice, just enough to get caught up at school.  Feeling as bad as I did, inside and out, I needed to be able to focus, feel positive and motivated and really put forth 110%.  I knew that, with that feeling again, I could definitely do just that.  And, with the people Sabrina had been hanging out, I was sure that she would know somebody who could help.

Chapter Eleven

             
Sabrina came the next day with my parents to help me get checked out of the hospital and back home.  I was settled back in comfortably before my parents were going back home.  Of course, my mother had purchased a few new things – a new set of mattresses for both Sabrina and me, a new dresser, new sheets, some new toiletries from Bath and Body Works, and a few “essentials”, as she said. My mother just couldn’t seem to fathom the thought of actually leaving. 

             
“Mom, I’m going to be fine.  Look,” I pointed at the security system, “Dad has thought of everything and, between his detective and the police, I’m sure that all of this will be sorted out before we know it.  I start with my therapist the day after tomorrow.  Sabrina won’t leave my side and I will see my doctor next week.  I will call you every day and let you know how things are going, OK?  I promise.”

             
Mom, with tears in her eyes, swept my hair behind my ear again and Dad, with his stern, always in-control demeanor, hugged me three or four times and finally made it to the car. I don’t think I could remember ever having seen him actually show emotion, but I swear that I saw a tear a couple of times when he was saying goodbye.  We watched as they drove away and Sabrina and I walked back into the dorm room, breathing a sigh of relief that they were gone.  I could tell that she had been waiting for private time with me.  I was not in the mood for a million questions and I was absolutely sure that I would never actually tell her, or anyone for that matter, what exactly had happened.  But, I would talk to her enough to at least satisfy her curiosity.  And, somehow, I would turn the conversation to the real reason I needed to talk to her, but I had to do it the right way and in the right time.  Soon.  I felt an urgency.

             
“I’m going to take a shower.”  Actually I had been waiting the entire time in the hospital to just get into a shower and try to get clean- to get it – get THEM – off of me.  How was I ever going to feel clean again?  Would I ever feel real again?  Would I ever be able to feel worthy again.  Every time I changed clothes, every time I used deodorant, every time I went to the restroom, every time I looked in a mirror, all I could see was flashbacks – dark shadows, hands, naked bodies, hands, flesh, sweat…I just couldn’t make it stop. 

             
I started the shower and stood under the hot water.  I wanted it hotter.  So hot that it hurt.  I took the puffy and soaked it with bath soap and started to scrub.  The more I scrubbed, the more I wanted to scrub. I scrubbed and scrubbed and kept rinsing, but I just couldn’t feel clean. The more I scrubbed, the worse it got. I got completely carried away in the shower and Sabrina knocked on the door.

             
“Jazz, are you OK?  You’ve been in there for almost an hour.” I had lost track of the time.

             
“Ya, I’m just getting out.”  I turned off the water and stepped out of the shower, and for the first time, looked at myself in the mirror, completely naked.  There were red streaks where I had been scrubbing and all I could see was hands all over me – I looked at my breasts and my private areas and couldn’t help but to think about who and what had happened.  I didn’t even know their names. I couldn’t remember their faces. I fell to my knees.  Sabrina heard me.

             
“JASMINE!! Honey!  What’s wrong??”  She got a towel and helped me dry off and get dressed.  I took one of my sedatives and went to bed and slept the rest of the day. 

CHAPTER
TWELVE

             
I woke the next day, in my bed, and looked over at Sabrina who was awake and staring at me.  I knew that the conversation was inevitable.  I rubbed my eyes and tried to wake up.

             
“Good morning.”  I managed a smile.  She handed me a cup of juice.

             
“Hey, Jazz.  I thought you might be hungry.”  She handed me a muffin as well.

             
“Thanks.”  I sat up and drank some of the juice and started eating the muffin.

             
Sabrina looked at me and crossed her legs on the bed.

             
“Jasmine, what really happened at that party?  You know it’s all I can think about.”  She started crying.  “It’s my fault that you went and I just need to know what happened to you.”

             
I knew that I should just tell her exactly what happened.

             
“I told you in the hospital a little bit, but there was a bit more.”  I began telling her about the stairs, the room, and how my head started really swimming and then I blacked out. 

             
“But, the weird part is that, before that room, I felt like I’ve never felt before, Sabrina.”

             
“What do you mean?  Like good or bad?”

             
I stopped, scared to tell her because I knew that our relationship would change forever.  But, there was no other way to get this drug and I knew I needed it – just for this one little bit of time.  It never even occurred to me to tell her about the sex part of it.  In fact, I put it out of my mind.  Was I trying to forget it or simply get my hands on more of the drug?

             
“Sabrina, I have to tell you something, but you can’t EVER tell anyone.”

             
“That night, they found meth in my bloodstream.” 

             
She got very quiet. 

             
“I don’t know how to say this, but I didn’t know I had taken it, but I remember how it made me feel.”

             
We both sat silent for a moment, still awkward and Sabrina clearly unsure where the conversation was going.