Giving In: Surrender Trilogy (11 page)

“But are you happy?” Kylie persisted.

Chessy glanced down, not meeting Kylie’s gaze. “No,” she said softly. “Not now anyway. It’s silly. I’m being selfish. Tate takes very good care of me. He’s busting his ass because he wants to provide for me. For us. For me to never want for anything. But all I want is him, Kylie. Not money. Not things. I just want him and for things to be the way they were before.”

“That’s not selfish,” Kylie said. “Have you talked to him? Have you told him how you feel?”

Chessy shook her head. “I can’t. It would destroy him if he thought he was making me unhappy by doing the one thing he thinks will make me happy. I just have to ride it out. Things will get better. Marriage isn’t easy. If it was, there wouldn’t be so many divorces, and the last thing I want is to plant a seed of doubt in Tate’s mind. I don’t want out. I just want him. I love him so much.”

Kylie reached across the table and squeezed her friend’s hand. “I know you do. And I know he loves you. It’ll work out, Chessy. You have to believe that. Have you given any more thought to whether he’s cheating? I know that was a concern, however brief, and you didn’t want to ask him because of what it would do to your relationship if he thought you ever doubted him.”

Though Joss had been the first person Chessy had confided in, Chessy had later brought up the issue with both Joss and Kylie, but only after Chessy had made Kylie swear she wouldn’t confront Tate over it. Kylie was more of a take-the-bull-by-the-horns kind of girl, not as sweet and understanding as Joss. And well, maybe Kylie
would
have confronted Tate if Chessy hadn’t exacted the promise from her. She hated the idea of her friend hurting in any way. And she knew, whatever the reasons why, that Chessy wasn’t happy and she hated that she couldn’t fix this for her friend.

Kylie had never admitted to Chessy that she’d been concerned that Tate abused her. She’d only shared that fear with Joss. She was glad now she hadn’t because it might have caused an unmendable rift in their relationship. And Kylie was trained to believe the worst of people. She’d very likely overreacted. She didn’t really believe Tate was capable of abusing Chessy, but then such was the case of many abusive men.

Chessy shook her head. “I was being silly and emotional. I don’t really believe he’d ever cheat. I can’t allow myself to even think that way or the seed of doubt will be planted and it will just drive me crazy. Besides, when would he have time to see another woman? I know he loves me. I really do. It’s just hard right now. I wanted to start trying to have a baby. It’s what we both want, or did want. Now I’m not so sure. Tate hasn’t talked about it lately. The one time I mentioned it, he said he’d rather wait until his business was more secure. So I haven’t brought it back up again. And maybe I’m just looking for something to fill the void so I’m not so lonely all the time. Which is a pretty lame reason for having a child.”

Kylie grimaced in sympathy. But she agreed that Chessy should wait. Kylie wasn’t altogether certain things were that good even though Chessy made the best of it. Bringing a child into an uncertain situation would only make it worse. If Tate was gone so much, how would Chessy cope with being a new mother without her husband as a support system?

But she kept those thoughts to herself because she didn’t want to upset Chessy any more than she already was. Her heart ached for her friend. Loneliness was an emotion Kylie was intimately acquainted with.

She made a mental note to spend more time with Chessy, especially while Joss was gone on her honeymoon.

“But let’s get back to you and Jensen,” Chessy said, the teasing light back in her eyes. “How on earth did the two of you hook up? Is it one of those office romance things we read about in novels?”

Kylie snorted. “At first I thought he was an overbearing ass whose sole ambition was to make my life miserable. He told me I looked like hell. What a great prelude to asking me out on a date, right?”

Chessy seemed to choose her words carefully. “He wasn’t wrong, exactly, hon. You do look . . . tired. Have you been having nightmares again?”

Kylie shrugged indifferently. “When don’t I have nightmares? It’s not something you can just get over, you know.”

She hated when they spoke of things personal to her. She was much more comfortable talking about Chessy or Joss and what was going on with them. She rarely ever volunteered personal information because she didn’t want her friends to worry. They knew of her childhood. Joss knew because of Carson and Chessy had learned after they’d become friends. But them knowing didn’t mean it was a subject open to speculation.

“Yes, I know and I’m sorry,” Chessy said. “I wish there was something we could do to help you. Have you considered talking to a therapist? Getting medication?”

“Now you sound like Jensen,” Kylie muttered.

“Honey, it doesn’t make you weak to ask for help,” Chessy said softly.

Chessy well knew Kylie’s hatred of appearing weak. It was the one thing Kylie had confided in her best friends. She hated feeling powerless, like she wasn’t solidly in control of her life and her surroundings. Hell, maybe she did need a shrink, but the very idea of sharing deep dark secrets she’d never confided in anyone with a complete stranger freaked her out.

Kylie shook her head. “I can’t, Chessy. I don’t expect you to understand. Hell, I barely understand it myself. But the idea of allowing a complete stranger inside my head scares me to death. I think it would only make things worse, not better.”

“You can talk to me, you know,” Chessy said quietly. “You know I’d never betray your confidence. I wouldn’t even tell Joss if you didn’t want me to. And I certainly wouldn’t share anything you told me with Tate.”

“I love you,” Kylie said sincerely. “I don’t know what I’d do without you and Joss. I don’t know why y’all put up with me. I know I’m bitchy and prickly. It baffles me why either of you want to be my friend. I’ve said some horrible things. Just look at how I ripped into Joss when she and Dash got together. It still embarrasses me when I think about it. Joss didn’t deserve my vitriol. I acted like such a hateful shrew.”

Chessy smiled, her eyes softening with love. Unconditional, unwavering love. Something Kylie had never experienced except with Carson. It still unbalanced her. At times it even made her uncomfortable, which was pretty messed up when she thought about it. But the simple truth was she didn’t know how to handle such devotion and loyalty because she’d never had it.

“You’re a wonderful person, Kylie. And a very loyal, loving friend. Joss and I are lucky to have you. And hell, no one is perfect. We’ve all been bitchy with each other at some point. That’s how friendship works. You hurt the people you love the most but then you apologize and you forgive and you move on, even better friends than before. Joss certainly doesn’t hold any animosity for the things you said. She knew you were upset and out of sorts. Heck, I didn’t even see that one coming. Her and Dash? Or that Dash had a thing for her for so long? I mean, like I told you both in the beginning, there was a time I suspected, but then so much time went by and Dash never acted so I thought I’d imagined the way he looked at her. I think it took us all by surprise. Even Tate.”

“You’d tell me if things got bad between you and Tate, wouldn’t you, Chessy?” Kylie asked. “You know I’d do anything at all to help you.”

Sadness entered Chessy’s eyes again and Kylie cursed the fact she’d ruined the mood. Again. Her and her big mouth. She was going to have to seriously work on the bitchy, prickly part of her personality. Her friends didn’t deserve that from her. They deserved better. They deserved the person Kylie hoped to become.

“Thanks for the offer, hon, but I’m not going anywhere and Tate sure as hell isn’t either. I’ll tie him to the bed if it becomes necessary, never mind it’s usually him tying me to the bed.”

Chessy’s eyes sparkled with humor and Kylie breathed a sigh of relief that the mood had lightened.

Kylie grinned mischievously. “Okay, here’s one for you then. You can never accuse me of holding out on you after I tell you this. And if you ever tell anyone, I’ll kill you!”

“What?” Chessy demanded. “This has to be good if you’re getting all serious on me.”

Kylie laughed. “You’ll laugh. I couldn’t laugh at the time. I was pretty freaked-out. But now? I have to admit, it’s pretty damn funny, especially in light of the kind of guy Jensen is.”

“Don’t make me drag it out of you!” Chessy growled. “Spill!”

“Okay, so Jensen wanted me to work with him on this latest contract. Completely shocked me. I mean I’m their office manager. I don’t get involved in the actual dealings with their clients. Only, he wanted my input. And he took my suggestions seriously. Then insisted I go with him to the meeting. But we met at Capitol Grill the night before to go over the final proposal.”

“And?” Chessy said, leaning forward eagerly.

Kylie grimaced. “I freaked. I mean completely freaked out. I saw someone who reminded me of my father. I’m so embarrassed over it now, but to me it was real. It was like looking at him. He was just a few tables away and I lost it. Complete meltdown and panic attack.”

“Oh honey, I’m so sorry,” Chessy said, her face drawn in sympathy.

“So Jensen gets all worried and goes into alpha protective mode.”

“Okay, stop a moment and let me savor that image,” Chessy said, shivering in exaggerated delight. “Because that is just too good not to imagine.”

Kylie laughed. “At the time I didn’t even really notice, but yeah, he’s pretty impressive in alpha protective mode. Not the kind of guy I’d usually even give a second glance but I have to admit, he made me feel . . . safe.”

Chessy smiled. “I know that feeling well. Tate does the same for me. I just feel . . . safe. Like nothing can ever hurt me. That he’d go to the wall for me and never allow anything to happen to me. So? Go on. What happened next?”

“He took me home and I was all prepared to thank him, say good night, retreat to my bedroom and die of embarrassment. Only he insisted on staying. And not only staying, but he was going to sleep in my bed.”

Chessy’s eyes went wide. “Holy shit. Did y’all have sex?”

Kylie shook her head. “No, here’s where it gets funny. At the time? Not so much. But now, yeah, I can laugh about it.”

“I’m all ears.”

“He was so gentle and understanding. The way he looks at me. I can’t explain it. It just makes me warm inside, you know?”

“Yeah, I know.”

“He told me to handcuff him to the bed so I’d feel safe with him. So I’d know he couldn’t hurt me.”

Chessy nearly choked on the tea she’d just taken a sip of. She put the glass down, her mouth gaping open. “And did you?”

Kylie nodded.

“Holy shit,” Chessy breathed. “Now that is a guy I can never imagine giving up control. Especially to a woman. I mean he seems like the ultimate dominant guy. Like Tate and Dash, you know?”

Kylie nodded. “Yeah, I do know. I was shocked. But I was also so freaked-out that I didn’t really know what to do. Part of me wanted him gone so I could huddle in my bed and put the covers over my head and die of shame by myself. The other part of me really didn’t want him to leave but at the same time him being in my bed freaked me out.”

Chessy’s eyes softened with understanding. “I think that’s pretty amazing that he offered that. I mean, he put himself in a vulnerable situation for you. So you’d feel safe. That’s pretty awesome.”

“Yeah,” Kylie said softly. “So he goes to bed, fully dressed, and I’m in my granny pajamas. I handcuffed one of his hands because it looked really uncomfortable and I was humiliated that the only way I could let a man sleep in my bed was with him handcuffed and helpless.”

“Don’t ever feel shame for your need to feel safe, honey.”

Kylie huffed out a breath. “So we both go to sleep, only I had a nightmare about my father. Seeing someone who resembled him so closely in the restaurant just brought it all back, and then Jensen was calling my name. Telling me to wake up, that I was safe with him. And I don’t know. I just kind of freaked. I dove into his arms, only one of his hands was still handcuffed to the bed and all I could think about was wanting both of his arms around me. So I tore off the handcuffs and he held me. Just held me and told me to go back to sleep, that nothing could hurt me, that he’d never allow it. So we slept that way the rest of the night and I’ve never had a better night’s sleep once I was in his arms.”

Chessy smiled. “That’s wonderful, Kylie. He sounds delicious. And so tender and caring. I mean, what more can you ask for? The guy is drop-dead gorgeous, extremely alpha and protective. And he made huge concessions for you so you’d feel safe. He put you and your needs before his. Not many guys are willing to do that.”

“I know,” Kylie said softly. “And the thing is, Chessy, I do feel safe with him. I can’t explain it. He’s the kind of guy who should terrify me. He’s the kind of man I’d usually steer clear of by a mile. And yet the way he looks at me, the way he is around me. I just melt into a puddle. It’s ridiculous.”

“Not ridiculous,” Chessy refuted. “Sounds to me like you’ve got yourself a solid winner. So you’re going on a date tomorrow night?”

“Well, he wanted to do it tonight but I told him I had dinner plans with you so he changed it to Saturday. And then he’s going out of town for the first three days of next week. I guess that’ll give me plenty of time to think about our date and figure out what the hell I’m doing and if I’m in way over my head,” she said ruefully.

“You should have called me!” Chessy exclaimed. “We could have rescheduled.”

Kylie shook her head adamantly. “No. Friends come first and I’ve been worried about you, Chessy. I know you’ve been lonely and I know what that feels like. I don’t want you to feel like that ever. You come first.”

“You’re not the bitch you call yourself,” Chessy said firmly. “You have the biggest heart of anyone I know, honey. If I ever hear you disparage yourself again I’ll kick your ass. And I love you for it, but in the future? If you have an opportunity to go out with a delicious specimen of an alpha male like Jensen? We
will
reschedule. You and I can get together anytime. I think it’s wonderful that you’re venturing into the dating world. It’s time, Kylie. You’re ready. You need to do this for yourself. Prove to yourself that not all men are assholes.”