Giving In: Surrender Trilogy (25 page)

He waited, his patience fraying. He waited for her to untie him so he could hold her. So he could touch her and share in the aftermath of something wild and beautiful and innocent.

Finally she lifted herself up, her breasts hovering temptingly in his line of vision. They were, as she was, exquisite perfection, her nipples a delicate pink. His mouth watered at the idea of tasting her. Of sucking the rigid peaks into his mouth.

She reached over his head to pull at the bindings around his wrists. And when he was finally free, he wrapped his arms around her tightly, ignoring the stinging discomfort in his numb hands.

He rolled, bringing them to rest on their sides, him still penetrating her. He didn’t pull free. He wanted to stay connected, to keep the intimacy thick around them.

He kissed her hungrily, his hips rocking back and forth against her. And then, realizing what he was doing, he stilled, an apology poised on his lips.

As if knowing what he was thinking, she put a finger to his mouth.

“It’s all right,” she whispered. “I know you won’t hurt me.”

He closed his eyes and gathered her close. But he was careful to remain still inside her. He’d vowed to give her absolute control. If and when they made love without him being restrained, it would be at her doing. Not his.

“I love you,” he whispered against her ear. “I’ve never loved anyone more.”

She nestled further into his embrace, her mouth pressed against the column of his neck.

“I love you too, Jensen. Thank you for sharing yourself with me tonight. For trusting me with your demons.”

Left unsaid was that she had yet to confide her demons to him, but he didn’t take it personally nor did it anger or disappoint him. What she’d given him tonight was infinitely more precious. She’d given him the gift of herself. That would always be enough for him.

JENSEN
came awake with a gasp, his heart thudding violently in his chest. Sweat poured down his forehead and he sat straight up, his pulse like a hammer in his ears. He immediately sought out Kylie, relief blowing sweet through his veins when he saw she was sleeping undisturbed beside him.

He eased back against the pillow, nausea sharp in his stomach. He blew his breath out through his nostrils and then sucked steadying air back in as he willed the violent images to go away.

He closed his eyes, as if that would shield him from the memories. Of his mother being beaten while he screamed and cried for his father to stop hurting his mama. Oh God, he just wanted it to go away. He wanted peace. He didn’t want to be that little boy any longer, incapable of preventing a monster from abusing his mother.

He wished to hell he hadn’t told Kylie of his past. That he’d left it tightly covered, suppressed under years of practiced control. He clenched his hands, curling his fingers into tight fists before relaxing them again, flexing in an effort to relieve some of the horrible tension coiling through his body.

It sickened him, the memories. He wanted nothing more than to banish them from his mind forever. But it wasn’t possible. He’d opened the door and there was no going back. There was nothing more for him to do than to deal with it all over again and begin the painful process of suppression once more.

How could he ever be good for Kylie when he hadn’t even been able to protect his own mother? How could she possibly trust in him after all he’d told her?

He stared at her in the darkness, watching the soft rise and fall of her chest. He ached to touch her but he held back because violence still simmered in his consciousness and he didn’t want that to touch her even peripherally. He wouldn’t have her awaken and be frightened, didn’t want her climbing from a nightmare and fearing his touch.

He turned his gaze back to the ceiling, giving up all hope of sleeping tonight. Pain burned brightly in his soul, the ache fiercer than it had been in a very long time. If baring one’s soul was supposed to be so freeing then why did he feel imprisoned all over again?

KYLIE
felt on top of the world Monday morning when she rode to work with Jensen. Optimism, an alien concept to her until now, simmered in her mind.

So she hadn’t been able to make love to Jensen without him being tied to the bed. Yet. But they
had
made love! That was a huge step for her.

She was . . . happy. When was the last time she could say that and really mean it? Her old version of happiness was merely a shell, a code word for simply existing. It wasn’t until she got involved with Jensen that she realized just how much of her life was passing her by while she kept her head firmly in the sand.

The weekend had been utter bliss. They hadn’t made love again since Friday night, and both seemed reluctant to push too hard and too fast, but the intimacy had grown around them to such an extent that Kylie knew it wouldn’t be long before they took the plunge again.

And maybe
this
time she’d pluck up the courage not to tie Jensen up for the act.

She’d been worried about Jensen after he’d confided about his childhood to her, but other than being a little quieter than normal Saturday morning, he didn’t seem to be much worse for the wear.

She’d purposely kept the mood and tone light between them, not wanting him to go back to the blackness of his past. She’d told him she loved him countless times and had been openly affectionate with him.

She hadn’t chosen to confide in him about her childhood, not because she didn’t trust him, but because him confiding his had taken a huge toll on him emotionally and she hadn’t wanted to add to it. In time, she’d get around to it. When the moment was right. She wasn’t looking forward to it, but neither was she avoiding it at all costs.

Dealing with it. That’s what she was doing and would do. With Jensen’s help. His love and support. What else could she ask for?

Toward noon, Dash stuck his head in her office.

“Can I come in?” he asked from the doorway.

She motioned him forward. “Of course. What’s up?”

He sat in one of the chairs, the same one Jensen had occupied seemingly a lifetime ago when she’d pondered getting rid of them. Now? She didn’t mind the intrusion of either him or Dash in her office. Especially Jensen.

“You’re looking good, Kylie. You look happy.”

She blinked in surprise, discomfort crawling up her spine at the personal note the conversation took. But sincerity was clearly etched on Dash’s handsome features so she shoved aside her instinct to clam up. It’s what she would have done in the past, no doubt. But she was trying on the new Kylie for size. Someone who could open up more to her friends. To people in general.

She’d never be the bubbly, friendly breath of fresh air that Chessy was. Nor would she ever be as sweet and loving as Joss. But they were rubbing off on her just as Jensen was, and she found herself more relaxed around her circle of friends. More willing to let her guard down. At the very least, she wanted to lose the bitchy, abrasive aspect of her personality. Things she’d used as a defensive mechanism before.

“I am happy,” she said simply.

“Joss wanted me to invite you and Jensen over this Friday. Chessy and Tate will be coming too. Nothing fancy. She’s itching to cook a good meal and have our friends over.”

Heat surged into Kylie’s cheeks and she dropped her gaze, ashamed of how her last trip to Dash’s house had gone.

“I’d like that,” Kylie said in a low voice. “I’m sure Jensen would too. And Dash, I know I apologized to Joss, but I’ve never really apologized to
you
for how I reacted when you told me Jensen was becoming your partner.”

“Already forgotten,” Dash said, his voice warm. “I know you didn’t mean to hurt Joss. I was pretty pissed at the time, but I know your heart, Kylie. And I know you love Joss and would never intentionally hurt her.”

“I’m trying to be a better friend. A better person,” she amended. “I know I’m not always easy to love.”

She said the last with a grin, marveling that she could even joke about matters she was normally extremely sensitive about.

Dash chuckled. “Well, neither am I. I think we all know that by now. But I also want to offer you an apology.”

She lifted her gaze again, her eyebrows rising in confusion. “Whatever for?”

“For taking advantage of you.”

“What?”

“You work hard. Damn hard. And Jensen’s right. You’re more than capable of contributing more to this company than just your duties as our administrative assistant. I read over the proposal you prepared for the S&G contract. I was very impressed.”

She blushed, uncomfortable with the sincere praise. But extremely pleased as well.

“Those were Jensen’s ideas as well. I can’t take the full credit.”

“But that’s Jensen’s job,” Dash said dryly. “I’d expect as much from him. I’m only sorry it took his prodding to wake me up to the fact that you would be an invaluable asset as a partner.”

She smiled. “It’s okay, Dash. I wouldn’t have been ready before. I didn’t have enough confidence in myself. But I will. I’m working on it. I certainly won’t turn down such an opportunity or challenge. But I don’t want anything given to me that I haven’t earned. And I want to earn your and Jensen’s approval and eventually perhaps a partnership as well.”

“You have my approval, Kylie. You always have. You have my confidence as well and certainly Jensen’s. He recognized your abilities right away, something I’m ashamed to say I didn’t.”

“He’s good like that,” she said with a soft smile, warmth flooding into her mind at the thought of Jensen and how much he believed in her when she wouldn’t believe in herself.

“I’m very happy for you,” Dash said, his voice going quieter. “I know it hasn’t been easy for you since Carson died. I miss him too. He was my best friend. He—and you—are family.”

She swallowed the knot in her throat, proud of the way she maintained her composure when her brother was mentioned. She truly was making progress. She’d come so far in just a few weeks. Thanks to Jensen.

She knew she couldn’t fully credit him with her progress. She’d done a lot on her own. She had to. No one could make her do so but herself. She had to be willing to move forward, and until recently she hadn’t been. But Jensen had definitely kick-started her way down the path. Without him she’d still be hiding from the world, going through the motions of each day and not living. Truly
living
.

“I do miss him,” she said, a small ache in her chest. “But just like Joss did, I have to let him go. I can’t stop living my life just because he lost his.”

“I’m glad to hear you say that, honey. Carson would have wanted you to be happy first and foremost.”

“I know,” she said quietly. “And I’m trying. I’ll get there eventually.”

Jensen stuck his head in the door, a slight frown on his face as his gaze swept over Dash.

“Am I missing something? What are you doing in Kylie’s office?”

Dash rolled his eyes. “We were talking. You know, having a conversation? Something coworkers frequently
do
on the job.”

Jensen looked suspiciously at him and Kylie grinned, thrilled with the possessiveness that shone in Jensen’s eyes. It was absurd for him to get touchy over Dash being in her office. The man was very happily married to her best friend. But still, she didn’t mind that Jensen had obviously staked his claim.

“I was telling Kylie that Joss wants you both to come over this Friday night,” Dash said as Jensen ambled farther into her office.

Jensen leaned against Kylie’s desk, slipping his hand over hers. Instant warmth invaded her skin where his fingers rested. She really had come a long way. If Jensen had ever come into her office and breached the professional relationship before as he was doing now, she would have kicked him in the balls.

God, she was turning into a total
girl
. Like she couldn’t exist without some man to save her. She inwardly winced at the thought. Just because Jensen was being so supportive didn’t mean she wanted to turn into a helpless nitwit who couldn’t do things for herself or exist without him.

But she didn’t want to exist without him and therein lay the truth. Loving him, leaning on him, didn’t mean she was helpless or hopelessly dependent on him. It just meant she was better with him.

Weren’t all couples better because of their partner or spouse? If one was good, then two united against the world had to be even better. Or at least that’s the way she viewed it, but she was hardly an expert on relationships given the extremes she’d always gone to in order to avoid one.

“Chessy and Tate will be there,” Dash continued. “Joss wants to entertain y’all at the house. Good food, good wine and good friends.”

Jensen smiled in pleasure over Dash’s invitation, but what he did next endeared him to Kylie all the more. He didn’t blindly accept Dash’s invitation. Instead he turned to her, question in his eyes.

“What do you think? You up for something like that?”

She took the initiative and laced her fingers more tightly around his. She loved him for curbing his dominant tendencies around her. For not jumping in, taking charge and making her decisions for her. And that, more than anything, told her how much he genuinely cared for her. To deny an intrinsic part of himself, a part that made him who he was, for
her
. Wow. She still couldn’t fully comprehend the magnitude of loving someone enough to compromise to that degree.

“I think it sounds like a great evening,” she said, smiling up at him.

Jensen turned back to Dash. “Then we’ll see you there. What time? And does Joss want us to bring anything?”

Dash rose, making it obvious he was returning to his own office and leaving Kylie and Jensen alone.

It should be awkward as hell that one of her bosses was leaving her office so she could be alone with her other boss. Oh well. She guessed any prickliness from her was truly gone. Who knew she could be so easygoing and accepting?

“Just yourselves,” Dash said. “If I know Joss she’ll go completely overboard in the food department. She’s already planning her menu. So I’d come with an appetite if I were you.”