Gnome On The Range (9 page)

“You’re probably right. He may have been trying to make a little money on the side. But we don’t know what his job is at the ranch or how he had access to the vials. And, why the hell did he stick the vial in the gnome?” His eyes dropped to my mouth. Maybe he was having a similar affliction. “You smell good.” He reached up and ran a hand over my hair.

“Chlorine,” I murmured as I leaned into his palm.

The boys were in the garage puttering around, one minute pulling out their scooters, the next getting a soccer ball to kick. They were self-entertaining and being creative. No TV or video games in sight.

The street was quiet except for a lawnmower in the distance and the smell of cut grass in the air. The crows had set up home in the pine tree across the street and their cawing or whatever their talk was called could drive someone to drink. The Colonel took his slingshot out at least once a day to scare them off. Right now though, they were quiet.

The dinner dishes were done, the evening had cooled down and my skin glowed pink from the inside-out thanks to the sun. I heard the boys chattering away. It was a simple summer night and I was content. After the crazy morning and the insanity of the pool with nine kids, it was calm and quiet. Peaceful.

“What are you guys up to?” I called. I didn’t want to move away from Ty to find out. His hand ran absently over my knee. Zing! If the boys weren’t yelling at each other or crying in pain, I tended to keep out of it. Especially now when a hot guy told me I smelled good, his hand on me and his mouth within kissing range.

“Working on our bikes!” Zach hollered back.

“Great. Occupied kids.” Ty leaned in and kissed me at that soft, highly sensitive spot behind my ear. I couldn’t help but gasp at the contact. Heat shot straight south.

“Um…any word on Morty Moore? Has he shown up yet?” I asked Ty, trying to keep my sanity. The kids could pop out of the garage at any time. “We know he didn’t die in the explosion and he was here running away from you last night. Oh, God.” His warm hand moved up the bare skin of my thigh, just below the edge of my shorts.

He nipped at the spot where my shoulder met my neck. Hot flash! “The DMV provided us with his license photo. Morty Moore was definitely the man on your doorstep last night.”

Ty would be able to identify him better than I. They’d stood face to face long enough for that. I’d only seen the man as he ran off down the street.

“The fire department talked with the Moore’s in Arizona. Their son, Morty—”

I did all I could to keep my hands at my sides. They wanted desperately to curl into his hair and pull his head about five inches lower. “What kind of parent names their son Morty Moore? He must have been teased mercilessly in school.”

I felt Ty grin into my neck. He had to agree with me. “Morty has been living in the house. With this recession, the Moore’s aren’t even trying to sell. They haven’t heard from him in over a week. The whole business has been handed over to the police.”

“The police?” I pulled his head back by the ears and looked at him as if he’d given birth to triplets. “I thought it was just a gas leak. You said it had been helped, but I figured you meant someone bumped into a pipe and knocked it loose or something.” My desire to be taken right here on the steps had diminished almost completely by the thought of potential death by intentional explosion.

Ty shook his head, although I wasn’t sure if it was from being separated from my neck or in response to my comment. He sighed, stood up and went over and plucked a dead flower off my potted geranium. “The pipe that ran from the tank to the house had been damaged. Intentionally. There was a leak, which is how you smelled the gas. That’s all preliminary. They’ll investigate and let me know.”

I could feel the blood—what was left of it—rush out of my head. “Someone was trying to kill us?” I squeaked.

“I doubt it was meant for us. Most likely Morty. He’s in something way over his head.”

“Sperm.”

A side of Ty’s mouth ticked up. “Something like that. Listen, I have to work the next few days. I’ve got my shift, a fill in, then another shift. Think you can stay out of trouble?”

“Funny,” I replied and wished he was sitting next to me again, his mouth on my skin. “I think I can do that. Besides, it’s Wednesday. What can happen on a Wednesday?”

Ty didn’t answer, possibly afraid to say.

Zach and Bobby wheeled their bikes out of the garage. They had their helmets on, ready to go. At the curb, they carefully climbed on, Bobby on his red bike with training wheels, Zach on his garage sale mountain bike. I looked closer at the front of Bobby’s bike. On the handlebars, two of his stuffed animals rode shotgun. Since he didn’t have a basket I had to wonder how he’d rigged it.

“Is that the…um—” Ty stuttered, pointing to Bobby’s bike. He started laughing.

There, attached to the handlebars of a four-year-old’s bike holding Puppy Dog and Buddy the Bear nice and snug were the pair of black mesh pouchless briefs. They’d somehow wrapped the leg holes through the handlebars, several times so they were secure. With the pouchless part in front, Bobby squeezed in his two stuffed animals. 

“Holy crap. I forgot all about the men’s um…underwear. The boys must have found it on the counter when I…” I did a slingshot motion with my hands, “launched them over by the fridge.”

The boys gave a quick wave and pedaled down the sidewalk past the Colonel’s house. Ty tilted his head and grinned. “Those boys are pretty damn inventive.”

I dropped my head into my hands in mortification.

***

 “Why the hell would someone blow up the Moore’s house?” Goldie wanted to know. She’d waited all day for answers. Tonight she wore a pair of black capri pants, black platform sandals and a white V-neck cotton shirt with gold sequins in a diamond pattern across the front. Her hair was pulled back in a ponytail but fluffed or teased up in the front. Between the heels and the hair, she was almost my height.

“We think it’s because of the vial of sperm we found,” I said casually, as if I was talking about getting eggs at the store.

Goldie tilted her head down to look at me over her reading glasses. They attached at the sides to a rhinestoned chain about her neck. She didn’t say anything, just turned back to ringing up her sale on the cash register. I knew that look. It was half:
WTF
, and half:
don’t sass
.  She wasn’t done with me.

Ha! I had something she didn’t know about. I smirked. I couldn’t help myself.

“Excuse me.” A couple in their twenties grabbed my attention. The woman wore a sundress that showed a tattoo on her upper arm of a geisha blended artfully into a raging sea that curled around her elbow. Her hair was jet black and she had a silver ring in her nose. The guy wore jeans that hung down past his butt so I could see blue plaid boxers almost in their entirety. I had no idea how he could walk, but at least if the woman wanted sex right away he didn’t have to pull his pants down to get to his package.

“What can I do for you?” I asked, ready to serve.

“We’d like to try anal and we’re not sure what would be best.”

Was there something about the butt that everyone was in on but me? “Sure.” I walked over to the appropriate section and started handing them the things they might need. “Lube. Get the big bottle. There’s regular and the numbing kind. There are plugs and beads and vibrators to choose from here on display.”

“I want something big. Something totally rad,” the guy said. He took down a plug that looked like a grenade. “Like this.” As a salesperson, I wasn’t going to ruin their fun by sharing my thoughts on a grenade up the ass.

I looked at his girlfriend to see if she bought into his idea. She nodded her head. “Yeah. Big.”

“If you’ve never done it before, you might consider starting small so you don’t hurt yourself. Work your way up.” I wanted to make sure she knew what she was in for.

Her eyebrows went up in surprise. “It’s not for me!
He
wants to try anal. Since it’s going in his ass, he can pick it out.”

Worked for me. “Sure. You guys decide and come up to the counter when you’re ready.”

A few minutes later I rang them up. They ended up going with the grenade model after all and took my advice on the economy-sized bottle of lube. Goldie joined us and tossed a few condoms into the bag. “Just in case,” she said. “Oh, wait.” She reached behind the counter to Ty’s box I’d brought back to the store. “Here. Try these beads, too. You might like them. Free of charge.”

After they left the store, I turned to Goldie. “What is it with all this interest in the butt?”

“Don’t think you can distract me. What vial of sperm?”

I enlightened her to all that had happened in the past few days, highlighting the garage sale, the gnomes, the discovery of the vial, the return trip to the garage sale house and the explosion. I left out my attraction to Ty and the kiss we’d shared. No sense in getting her all wound up about my sex life worse than she already was. Besides, even though she’d promised, I didn’t want any more boxes ending up on Ty’s doorstep.

“Humph,” Goldie replied. That's all she said on the matter for over an hour. A group of twenty-something women came in seeking ideas and gifts for a bachelorette party. One of the offerings Goldilocks provided was an in-home sex toy party. It was like a Tupperware party but for sex toys. Some ladies were too embarrassed or skittish to come in the store so it often led to a bit of Sex Ed for grownups as well. Sometimes a long winter makes for dull, dark nights and Goldie’s parties could sure liven things up.

I’d shared the toy party idea with Goldie to drum up new clients a few years before. She took to it like a duck to water and I’d been volunteered into this new branch of the business. It kept me occupied a few nights a month.

I arranged with the ladies to show up at the bachelorette party next month and vowed to make it extra special. Another day on the job.

“I think you need to be careful. Someone out there isn’t happy,” Goldie said when we closed up. She turned off the lights and we walked out to our cars together. At one in the morning, all was quiet. The air was cool, probably in the low fifties, and I had goose bumps on my arms. A big temperature drop from the pool earlier. It had been a full day and I was exhausted.

“Nothing that’s happened has anything to do with me,” I replied. “I only found the vial. I didn’t try to sell it. Besides, there aren’t any more vials. It’s all over. I’m not getting any more gnomes.” I wasn’t going to tell her I’d already decided to go out to the Rocking Double D ranch and talk to the owner. Some shady things were going on and I wanted to warn whoever ran the place about Morty, tell them how I’d gotten involved and that I wanted to steer clear in the future. Maybe I could watch them fire the thieving Morty while I was there.

Goldie pursed her lips but didn’t say more. “What time do you want the boys in the morning?”

I usually slept late and enjoyed some quiet time to myself when she and Paul had Zach and Bobby sleep over. Maybe I could make the morning more productive by heading out to the Rocking Double D instead of hitting the snooze bar on my alarm.

“I might go for a run and get some errands done. Think you can keep them until after lunch?” Run! Ha! Maybe I’d run out to the ranch and do some investigating. In my car.

***

The next morning, after a peaceful and child-free night, I stood at the kitchen counter and sipped my coffee. I’d showered and dried my hair. The door to the covered patio was open, fresh air coming in. The cool night had turned into a soft, clear morning. Blue sky. The weather was perfect. It was supposed to be in the eighties today, although it was barely seventy so far. Usually I’d wear my typical shorts and T-shirt. Since my plan was to visit a working ranch, I knew long pants and sturdy shoes were practically required. I wore jeans and my Frye boots with a white tank top. Hopefully, it would keep the horse poop and whatever else was in the dirt out there from getting on me. Besides, it's the closest to cowgirl-wear I had.

I Googled the Rocking Double D ranch from my laptop and wrote out directions, surprised to find it had an actual web page. It was said to be a premiere horse ranch, raising quarter horses, breeding and selling them. I knew nothing about horses other than identifying one when I saw it. They came in brown, black, white and some were spotted. No stripes, as that was apparently reserved for a zebra.

I called Kelly and she answered on the first ring. Kids screamed in the background. “Hey,” I said.

“Hang on a sec,” she replied. “Liam threw up on Hank’s toy truck an hour ago and he hasn’t recovered.” I didn’t know if she was talking about Liam or Hank. A door slammed, then quiet. “Okay, I went out front.”

“I just wanted you to know I’m going to go out to the Rocking Double D ranch this morning. I need to find Morty and get to the bottom of this whole vial thing. Meet the owner of the ranch, tell him what I think is going on. I wanted at least one person to know that wouldn’t yell at me.”

“Be careful. Just because I don’t yell doesn’t mean I don’t worry about you.”

“At least your worry doesn’t come with shouting and a guilt trip.”

Kelly laughed.

I pulled up a different link about the ranch, the one from the Chronicle which talked about the birth of triplet cows. “I’m on the computer and I see the article about the triplet cows. You were right about all of it. It says the ranch belongs to Drake Dexter. Know him?”

“Only as the owner of the ranch, nothing else. Sorry.”

“This is a horse ranch, but there’s got to be a cow or two in order for the blessed triplet birth to have occurred. So what do you think? Was the sperm in the vial from a cow or a horse?”

I heard Kelly’s muffled voice and something about ice cream for breakfast. “Sorry. Um, if the ranch is famous for its quarter horses and offers studs for breeding, I’d have to assume it was from a horse.”

“Would fancy horse sperm bring in lots of money?”

Kelly snorted. “Make sure you don’t say ‘fancy horse sperm’ when you meet Drake Dexter. You might insult the man, and your intelligence.”