God, if You're Not Up There . . . (33 page)

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Authors: Darrell Hammond

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Tony Robbins, Martin Seligman, David Burns, and Ned Brown, all of whose books helped guide me during the tough times;

My inspirations: Martin Luther King, Jr., Harriet Tubman, Derek Jeter and Mariano Rivera for showing me how the game should be played, and Willie Mays for the catch;

The NYPD and the New York District Attorney’s office for saving my family;

Eddie Galanek for convincing my dad that God loved him;

Donald Trump; Chris Matthews; Laura Ingraham; Maria Bartiromo; Senator John McCain; and Brucy Bochy. President George W. Bush for the invite to play catch. President Bill Clinton; Vice President Al Gore; and Vice President Dick Cheney for reaching out to me and showing me so much respect. Lynne Cheney for her hospitality. Whoopi Goldberg for understanding me. Howard Stern for telling people I was funny and giving me a chance. Tom Shales of the
Washington Post
. Whoever put me on the sand pile at the Ravenite Social Club. The woman who helped me get on the plane back to New York. The mayor at the Sanctuary, for hope and inspiration. Stanley the Bahamian guard. Hitchcock the Crow;

Truman Capote and Murphy Davis; and Joy Behar for the cell-phone line as well as her overall support;

And my daughter for introducing me to the miracle of unconditional love.

P.S. This book was written at the Gracie Mews Restaurant. Try the tilapia.

Author’s Note

What follows in these pages is my life as best I remember it. Some things happened a long time ago, some of them happened when I was under the influence of alcohol, drugs, and/or any number of hard-core psychopharmaceuticals prescribed for me by about two dozen shrinks, so I’m not always perfect with the details. I did the best I could. Some names and details have been changed to protect people’s privacy; while I was proud to know them, I can’t be sure the feeling was mutual.

About the Author

DARRELL HAMMOND is an award-winning actor and comedian who was a cast member on
Saturday Night Live
for a record-setting fourteen years. He has also appeared on Broadway and in the dramatic television series
Damages
and
Law & Order: Criminal Intent
. He most recently starred in the one-man play
Tru
at the Bay Street Theater in Sag Harbor, New York. He lives in New York City.

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Credits

Jacket photograph by Mary Ellen Matthews

Jacket design by Jarrod Taylor

All photos courtesy of the author, unless otherwise indicated.

GOD, IF YOU’RE NOT UP THERE, I’M F*CKED. Copyright © 2011 by Darrell Hammond. All rights reserved under International and Pan-American Copyright Conventions. By payment of the required fees, you have been granted the nonexclusive, nontransferable right to access and read the text of this e-book on-screen. No part of this text may be reproduced, transmitted, downloaded, decompiled, reverse-engineered, or stored in or introduced into any information storage and retrieval system, in any form or by any means, whether electronic or mechanical, now known or hereinafter invented, without the express written permission of HarperCollins e-books.

EPub Edition NOVEMBER 2011 ISBN: 9780062064578

Print Edition ISBN: 9780062064554

FIRST EDITION

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