God's Little Freak (15 page)

After a very su
ccessful weekend in athletics versus what everyone described as the toughest school to compete against, Kevin goes back to English class. Staying away will only worsen the situation and attract more attention, but he doesn’t pay any attention to the class.

On Wednesday
he has English just before break. Mr Stewart asks him to stay behind again. Kevin is in no mood for another chat, but stays anyway. He stands with arms crossed and an angry face and waits for everyone to leave.

“We have to clear the air, because we can’t work like this. How do you feel about last week
? And try not to shout at me,” Mr Stewart asks him.

Kevin exhales to try and
compose himself, and then says, “Well, I’m pissed off! You have no right to interfere in my life. My parents should never have told the school about my depression, but there you have it. I’m really angry about all of it and I think you should apologize. You have no right to make such assumptions. I’m really furious!” Kevin says.

“Ok, I get that you’re angry. That’s quite understandable. But I also know only half of you feel
s this way. What does the other half feel? And be honest now,” Mr Steward asks.

Kevin i
s taken aback by the question. He breathes in to answer and then pauses. It’s not what he expected at all. He takes a deep breath, exhales and then says, “Relieved, I guess.”

Mr Stewart
smiles and says, “That’s what I thought. No one is saying anything here. No one is making assumptions. Please understand that. There’s no need for conclusions and labels. Does that make any sense to you?”

“Yes, it does… kind of. Tell me, how do you know? You are married, right? Is it that obvious? I don’t
want anyone to know,” Kevin says.

“It’s not obvious, don’t worry. I’ve been a teacher for over twenty years, so give me some credit. And I am married and think of my wife quite often. But my older brother is different. I’m here to help. I can see it’s a problem for you and I want to make a suggestion. Are you seeing any psychologist at the moment
? Any therapy?” Mr Stewart asks again.

“No, we haven’t go
t around to that yet, but my parents will definitely find someone because I lashed out at them quite rudely since last week,” Kevin says.

“I want to suggest
to you to see Dr Barnard. He helped my brother tremendously. He is a pastoral psychologist. He studied both theology and psychology and he is excellent. He is an older gentleman, but I can assure you he is on the ball and well experienced with teenagers. I’ll write you a note with his details. Come and get it later,” Mr Stewart says.

“OK
, thank you, but don’t tell anyone, please,” Kevin reiterates.

“I won’t. And thank you for r
eacting the way you did. You are correct, I have no right to interfere and I could have been in big trouble if you made a fuss of it, but I feel obliged to do something. I just want to help and you can come to me anytime you feel like it,” Mr Stewart says.

“Thanks, I’ll remember it,” Kevin says and leaves. He actually feels
relieved about everything. He feels lighter and has some hope again. “Is this what God was talking about in St Lucia? Did he, without thinking about everything into the finest detail, do the right thing?” he wonders.

That evening he gives
his parents the note from Mr Stewart. “You were right. He just wants to help. I’m sorry for over-reacting,” Kevin says.

Kevin’s father read
s the note and appears to be quite impressed with it. “We never thought of a pastoral psychologist. That actually adds a completely new dimension. Can you call him for an appointment tomorrow?” he asks Kevin’s mother.

“Yes, I’ll do it first thing in the morning
,” she replies.

“OK, I think this will be better than everything else we
’ve tried so far,” his father says.

Friday afternoon, four o’clock
. Kevin walks into Dr Barnard’s office. It’s not how any teenager wants to start his weekend, but it has to be like this, because there is no other time for an appointment.

Dr Barnard
is an elderly gentleman with a grey beard. Kevin likes him immediately because he reminds him of his grandfather, Opa Gunter. He has soft eyes with a lot of wrinkles around his eyes. The office is unimpressive compared to some of the offices he has seen the inside of.

After exchanging a few words so th
at they get to know one another, Dr Barnard says, “You came here for a reason. It’s not up to me to pull it out of you. If all of your previous therapy attempts failed, it is probably because you did not allow them to talk about what the real problem is. You know what it is, and in a way you probably also know the solution, but there are obstacles to that and that is what I’m here for - to clear the obstacles. I’m not here to judge you or to tell you what you are supposed to do. I will mostly listen to you today, and if you don’t say anything, there’s not much I can do. Do you understand that?”

“Y
es, I do,” Kevin says.

Dr Barnard continues
, “So, I want you to think carefully and then tell me why you are here.”

Kevin takes a moment. He looks
around in the office, then at the floor, then at the ceiling. Then he looks at Dr Barnard again and then at the floor again. Dr Barnard doesn’t say anything.

Kevin starts
, “The thing is…” then he pauses. There’s absolute silence. One can only hear the clock ticking somewhere in the room.

“Oh, damn it all!” he says. “The thing is:
I have an issue with my sexuality. I’m attracted to the wrong gender, like in guys.”

“OK, when did
you notice that? Tell me all about it,” Dr Barnard continues.

“Well, it started when I was in St Lucia, on holiday with my parents and aunt and uncle. I began to feel all kinds of weird feeling
s when I looked at my cousin or other guys for that matter. I was confused and didn’t understand what was going on with my body. It was all really weird. In the beginning I was quite curious about it and wanted to explore more,” Kevin tells him.

He pauses for a moment and wonders
if he should tell this old man about wanking, but then thinks that because he didn’t seem to mind anything he heard until now, it probably doesn’t matter. He continues by telling him about wanking and Brendan and everything else.

T
hen when he was still wondering about everything, he had heard that it is all wrong and that he would go to hell from Mr Van Kerken and in the media and from the likes of Danie Botha and others. He tells him how he wanted to change and since he was busy with his Confirmation he thought that if he did that diligently, he would change. Kevin explains a lot about his Confirmation and how he interpreted events and teachings that prompted Dr Barnard to say, “My goodness, you certainly learned a lot during your Confirmation! It must have been a huge effort!”

Kevin smiles and says
, ”Well, I did have my hopes pinned on it.” He talks about Michael and how special that was and how he screwed it up. He explains that he thought that if he had a girlfriend, that would change things, but it didn’t.

He tells
Dr Barnard about Brendan who committed suicide and that he is sure it had to do with his sexuality. The fact that he was the only one who knew about it is a heavy burden for him. As he says this, he is nearly in tears but manages to hold them back.

Kevin
goes on and on and the more he talks, the better he feels so he continues to ramble on. He talks about what his father said about Beethoven’s Fifth symphony and the knocking of fate on his door. He knows it won’t change.  It’s his fate that he doesn’t want. He wants to be like everyone else.

After that, there’
s silence again. Kevin can’t think of anything more to say and the silence makes him feel uncomfortable, so he says, “And there you have it.”

There i
s another silence. Kevin doesn’t understand how Dr Barnard can just sit there and listen. He doesn’t take any notes either. It’s wonderful and fresh. He hopes that he doesn’t have to repeat anything again.

Dr Barnard looks at Kevin, then re-adjusts his position, loo
ks at his bookshelf and strokes his beard. Then he asks, “Since you have taken your Confirmation so seriously, tell me how your relationship with God is during this entire period.”

Kevin smiles and says
, “I always had a wonderful experience with God and Jesus. Since I can remember I had these conversations with God, but around the time all of this happened, and with the depression, it is less. It has become more difficult to hear what God says and sometimes I find it even more difficult to talk to Him, too.”

“Why i
s it difficult to talk to Him?” Dr Barnard asks.

“Because I feel
that I’m not good enough in a way to talk to God - that in order to talk to Him I must be without this terrible sin. I honestly felt so dirty and sinful and very alone sometimes,” Kevin replies.

Dr Barnard continues,
“So you feel that your sins are a barrier to God?”

“Yes, exactly!”
Kevin replies.

Dr Barnard says
loudly, “Then welcome to the rest of mankind my friend! Do you think you are the only one that suffers with this? Every human being faces that. It started with Adam and everyone else followed. God knows this. He knows that our sins make us feel we can’t be with Him or talk to Him. That’s why he sent us his son. Don’t you realize that?”

“I do,” Kevin says,
“but the difference is that even after realising that, I still have these thoughts about other guys and whatever I try, it won’t go away. Martin Luther says that sins are not only in actions, but thoughts, words and actions. It seems like I’m living a persistent life of sin.”

“Are you suggesting in any way that once one understands that, one would not have
any more sins?” Dr Barnard asks.

“Yes!
” Kevin replies.

Dr Barnard leans
forward, “I want to find out - and think very clearly about your Confirmation now - because you seem to know the facts, but don’t live it. You haven’t made it your own yet. In your opinion, what is more important to God? You without any sin or you having a relationship with Him?”

“I think having a relationship with Him
,” Kevin says.

“And what prevents that
relationship?” Dr Barnard asks.

“My sins, because if I feel sinful, I want
to hide from God, I guess. I don’t want to face him,” Kevin replies.

“So why did Jesus die on the cross?”
Dr Barnard asks again.

“So that there are no sins and then we can have a relationship with God. I understand that, but…”

“No
buts
, period. That’s it. Look Kevin, we are out of time, but there is something you must do this week, that’s if you want to come back, that is. Do you want to see me again next week?” Dr Barnard asks.

“Yes, sure!
I can’t believe we are out of time already. Normally it felt as if time stopped when I’m in therapy,” Kevin says.

“I want
you to fix your relationship with God. It will make my work a lot easier and normally I don’t have this luxury with every client. If you can remember what it’s like to talk to God, then you should know how to talk to him. If there are any problems, we can speak about it next week. I’ll also offer you other ideas to find out whether being gay really is a sin or not,” Dr Barnard says.

When Kevin
gets into the car, his mother asks, “How did it go?”

“It was great! He is such a wonderful man and h
is eyes remind me of Opa Gunter,” Kevin replies.

“Anything you
want to share?” his mother asks.

“No,” i
s the quick reply.

That evening Kevin ha
s a long chat with God and finds there is a lot more to ask Dr Barnard about God, especially why he can sometimes hear God and other times not. He has to be in bed early because the next day he has athletics again and feels more confident than ever.

Kevin
is actually excited to see Dr Barnard again. His next appointment is on Thursday after athletic practice. There is a lot he wants to talk about. He finds it wonderful to be able to talk to someone without any judgment or diagnosis or assessments.

When they begin, Dr Barnard says
, “I’ve thought a lot about you this week. For some time I have thought that Confirmation is actually somewhat redundant, from what I experience daily, but after talking to you I am encouraged again. It’s quite uncommon to find someone like you and I think we should try and make better use of our practice of Confirmation so that more people can benefit from it. You are my star client at the moment!”

Kevin
needed to hear something like this. He says, “I wish God would react the way you do, because it seems like whatever I do, according to Him, is completely wrong.”

“Why do
you say that?” Dr Barnard asks.

“God
said that I do not have enough courage and when we do have chats, He mentions everything I do wrong. He even called me a coward once. He seems so tough,” Kevin says.

Dr Barnard
laughs and says, “You could actually hear him say you are a coward? OK, let’s pause there for a moment. You have to understand that when God speaks to you, He only tells the truth. He is Truth. He doesn’t sugar-coat anything, because Truth is his nature. He tells it as it is. Do you understand this?”

“Yes,” Kevin replies
.

“But our egos are very fragile. Do you understand what I mean by ego?”
Dr Barnard asks.

“Yes, I’v
e heard it often over the years,” Kevin replies.

“OK, because the ego
is so fragile, it feels we need to be protected from the harsh words God says, so it filters out what it thinks you shouldn’t hear. Communication goes through the mind as you probably know and it gets filtered there. That’s why I am surprised that you could hear God say you are a coward, because normally the ego would block it. This is the biggest reason why people claim they cannot hear God, because they can’t stomach what God has to say. He doesn’t want to break you down, but you perceive it as such, since the truth is sometimes hurtful. If you think about it, what would you call a person without courage?” Dr Barnard asks again.

“Well, it would
be a coward,” Kevin says.

“True. Can you imagine any other way God could have said it without telling the truth?
” Dr Barnard wants to know.

Kevin thinks about it for a moment. “No, any other way I try to think of sounds even worse
, actually, and the meaning is completely different,” Kevin says.

“Right,
you should take anything God says, not as an attempt to hurt you, but simply as a statement,” Dr Barnard says. “You must practise to have an open mind when talking to God, so that you are in acceptance of everything He says and only then will you hear Him fully. You cannot judge Him while He’s talking to you because that will shut down communication.”

“OK, it kind of makes sense.
I’ll remember that because it’s so annoying when He’s there and then not there and sometimes we were in the middle of something,” Kevin says.

“There is something else I pick up when you are talking. You often want to figure out what is right and what is wrong, but that too is ego. Some t
hings just are the way they are,” Dr Barnard continues.

“I don’t understand. There clearly is a right and a wrong and we should do more of the right than wrong. That’s what re
ligion is all about!” Kevin says.

“It is maybe, but it shouldn’t be. I’m in the Seventh Day Adventist Church, so we celebrate the Sabbath on Saturdays. Now according to everyone we’re w
rong and on the other hand we could argue that everyone else is wrong. But that is not the point. The point is that by believing this, my faith is strengthened and yours is strengthened by believing as you do and I should respect that and you should respect my beliefs. If everyone does that, we would have no reason to argue, but sadly that doesn’t happen,” Dr Barnard says.

“But if people didn’t distinguish between right and wrong
, does that mean one can just go and murder anyone? Clearly that’s wrong! It doesn’t make any sense,” Kevin says.

“
I understand it will take a while to wrap your mind around it, because it challenges you to have a more prudent system of evaluation that allows for more shades of grey. Dividing the world into black and white, good and bad, right and wrong, is based on emotional defence mechanisms applied by children aged 3 – 6 years old. Yet, when you listen to someone like George W. Bush, former US president, who constantly talked about good and evil, you realise from the words he uses how old he is emotionally.”
3

Kevin looks
a bit perplexed, so Dr Barnard smiles and says, “Sorry, I’m going off the point a bit. Murdering someone is definitely going to harm your relationship with God, because whoever you murder will also be one of His children. Hence, God has these rules or Commandments so that we can play nice with one another. Instead of talking about what’s good or bad, one can talk about what would harm someone else or not or what would benefit someone else. Therefore, Jesus said: Do unto others as you want them to do unto you. That has nothing to do with right or wrong, good or bad.”

“OK, so it’s stupid to break a Commandment
, in other words, because it will harm one of God’s other children which will also break the relationship with God,” Kevin says.

“Precisely, and the relationship is more import
ant, because if people truly have an open and honest relationship with God, they will not behave in ways that would harm others,” Dr Barnard says. “As Jesus said, ‘By their fruit you will know them’.”
4

“It really makes sense, because if I think back, God’s major issue with me was
not what I am or do, but that I was lying to everyone, thereby hurting them. He even said that I stole the choice that He has given Paula, a girlfriend I had, from her, because I was lying,” Kevin says.

“Let’s look at why
you lied to her, or rather, why did you lie to everyone?” Dr Barnard asks.

“Because I feel that if I tell everyone the truth about me
, they will not like me anymore,” Kevin says.

“True, very true, and because of that you feel you need to be someone else, right?”
Dr Barnard continues.

“
Yes,” Kevin replies.

“Let’s assume instead of
like
, you mean
love
, OK. The thing is, look at every relationship you have, with your parents, siblings and friends. Do you feel that they love and accept you?” Dr Barnard asks.

“Yes, but…”
Kevin says.

“There’s the
but
again. Why is there a
but
?” Dr Barnard asks.

“
With every relationship I have where I feel loved, I wonder if they will still love me if they know the truth about me,” Kevin says.

“So, in other words, because you have a question mark over every relationship, you don’t actually know beyond all
doubt that you are loved and that makes you feel lonely?” Dr Barnard says.

“That’s so true and that’
s why I feel I need to lie, otherwise they may not love me anymore. But it’s risky!” Kevin says.

“I know it is, but one needs courage for love
,” Dr Barnard says.

“That’s exactly what God said. I can honestly hear from your words that you have a wonderful relationship with God, because you
and He sound the same,” Kevin says.

“In my years of practice, I have noticed something peculiar. Those who come from dysfunctional families, who don’t feel loved
anyway, have an easier way of dealing with the truth than those who come from loving and caring families. The reason is that the perception of loss, the fear of losing something valuable, is greater in loving, caring families than in dysfunctional ones, where they don’t think they would lose anything by being truthful. Since it appears that you are from a sound family, the courage you need to be truthful is far greater, because when you look at your life, you have a lot to lose,” Dr Barnard says.

“You explain things so well! That’s exactly it. I’m scared that my entire
family and all my friends will reject me if they know, and I don’t want that, so I lie. I understand why I need courage now,” Kevin says and sits up straight immediately.

There is a moment of silence.
Kevin thinks for a while, and then says, “But I can already tell that everyone will think it is wrong to be like this.”

Dr Barnard smile
s and says, “You don’t know that. You think they may, but you don’t know that. You’re going on about wrong again. Why do you think it is wrong?”

Kevin th
inks for a while, then says, “Actually, I don’t know whether it’s wrong or not. If I remember correctly, God said it’s fine to be like this.”

D
r Barnard is surprised and asks, “You already know that? Why are you here then? Why don’t you believe it?”

“Because
of the fact that everyone else seems to say it’s wrong. It’s very difficult to believe the voice chatting to me in my head compared to everyone out there saying something else. It is much easier to accept that I’m just crazy or silly. So, I kind of accepted that, but told God that it’s our secret and that no-one should know about it,” Kevin says.

“It didn’t work, did it?
” Dr Barnard replies. Kevin is shaking his head. “Because you still live in the world and if it’s a secret in the world, it means you have to lie, which in turn sours your relationship with God,” Dr Barnard continues.

“Yes, that was the worst, because I knew it wasn’t wrong, but couldn’t bring it out in the open. And as time passed, I believed once again that it was wrong because I feel guilty. I guess I am a coward, then. But if it’s not about right or wrong, wha
t is it about then?” Kevin asks.

Dr Barnard speaks
more softly and gently saying, “It’s about being who you are. You just have to be who you are and with your situation. Just be with it.”

Kevin laughs
out loud! “I don’t believe this! That’s exactly what God said from the beginning but I didn’t know what it means, still not, actually. Can you explain it a bit better?” he asks.

Dr Barnard replie
s, “You are who you are. You cannot change who you are. You can change what you do, but not who you are. We must strive to be who we really are, as God intended it, as He made us, without trying to be someone else, as is expected from friends, family or society at large. Some things are given, like your parents, your skin colour and culture, your temperament, sexuality and so on. That is part of who you are. You cannot change that, so you have to be with these attributes of yourself: you have to be with it.”

“OK, so I have to accept it?
” Kevin asks.

“
Yes, but it means so much more than just accepting it. You must live with it, because it is part of who you are. It’s not completely you - I must add that - but sexuality is a huge part of your life. It influences much more than you imagine. You can accept it, but still not live it. You’re Lutheran, so you should know what Martin Luther so famously said when he was asked to recant his writings. He said that he couldn’t and wouldn’t recant. Because he knew he might face imminent death he concluded with: ‘Here I am; I can
do
no other.’ Maybe you can say: ‘Here I am; I can
be
no other.’”
5

Kevin says
, “Wow, I’m quite impressed that you would quote Luther, yet I know you are not Lutheran. I get it now.”

Dr Barnard says
, “We have to know one another better and then we may understand each other better. I find it very helpful in my profession. There is no need to fear knowledge from another denomination or another religion. In fact, it is from
not
knowing others and
not
coming into contact with them, that problems arise. Let me explain it differently. Do you eat seafood - like snails, oysters, crayfish and mussels?”

Kevin replies
quickly, “No, I hate it!”

Dr Barnard then asks
, “When was the last time you had seafood?”

Kevin th
inks for a moment and then says, “Actually, never, now that I think about it.”

Dr Barnard grins and says
, ”Yet you had such a strong opinion about it even though you never tried it. How do you know if you’ve never tried it? What is your experience based upon?”

Kevin smiles and feels
a bit silly. He realises that Dr Barnard is absolutely correct. “Well, my dad doesn’t eat seafood,” he says.

“So you got it from him.
That’s OK. What I wanted to show you was that people who are not used to something will automatically reject it. One can see it all over. Or, if they don’t know something, they are willing to follow someone else’s opinion, like you did. They will follow it as aggressively as you did with seafood: by saying you hated it, which is a strong statement! People do exactly the same with gays in general. Those who are most viciously against it; they never come into contact with anyone who is gay. They don’t have any gay friends, anyone in the family or at the workplace. Being against it is always the natural response. Sadly, when some people do come in contact with someone who is gay, they are confronted with their own values and beliefs. But instead of changing their values and beliefs, they keep them and reject those who are gay. Unfortunately I’ve seen it so often. Many base it on religious reasons, but I have clients whose family are atheists, yet still reject them because of their sexuality. Therefore, I’ve come to a conclusion that rejecting gays is not a Christian value, but a worldly value, since people who are complete atheists share the same value. They are from this world, slapping God’s stamp on it,” Dr Barnard says.