God's Little Freak (17 page)

It’
s late on Saturday night, 27th June, also known as Deadline Day by Kevin. He has to do the most difficult thing ever in his life and time is running out. They have already had dinner and his parents are chatting in their bedroom. Kevin knows he has to do something now. The entire day he has felt God’s presence urging him to get on with it. He walks to his parents’ room. It feels like he has to fight his body every step with what he is about to do. He walks into the room and asks his parents if they would like tea or something because he’s going to make some tea.

“Sure! That’s a ple
asant surprise!” his father says. “Tea for me.”

“Tea for me too.
I can’t drink coffee now,” his mother says. As he walks down the passage he hears his mother say, “I wonder what’s going on? He doesn’t drink tea. He has never offered us tea before we go to bed, ever. I’m sure he wants something.”

Kevin pops
into the living room where Klara is watching television and tells her that he’s going to tell his parents and that she should not interrupt. She says, “Kevin, wait! I don’t think you should… “ but he walks away.

In the kitchen, Kevin
is shaking. He drops the sugar bowl and has to clean up. The kettle takes forever to boil and he just wants it over with. He says a prayer to ask God for courage while he waits for the kettle to boil.

He walks into the room and as he gives the tea to his parents, he says
, “There is something I want to talk to you about.”

Kevin’s mother says,
“Yeah, I’ve been expecting that. Just tell us what you want.”

Kevi
n smiles and says, “I don’t want anything, but I do want to talk to you, if you don’t mind.”

“OK, wh
at is it about. You can tell us,” Kevin’s father says.

Kevin sits
down on a couch in his parents’ room and wonders how he should start. His parents are already in bed, but both sitting up straight. He realizes that he didn’t make tea for himself, but leaves it. On the alarm clock, he sees that it’s 22:05. He starts talking about his depression and everything he has learned from it. He talks about the other personal problems he has and that he really wants to get off the medication he’s on. He talks about his relationships with girls that didn’t work for him. He talks about his Confirmation and what all of it is supposed to mean. He mentions Brendan, Michael, the fact that he quitted music, athletics, the new school, and while he is talking he realises that nothing he says makes any sense. He is talking non-stop. His mouth is dry and without any proper build up he suddenly says, “I’m gay.” He looks at the clock again and sees it’s 22:56.

He exhales
deeply after saying that and his heart is pounding. He immediately feels relieved and peaceful. He looks at his parents, who both look a bit stunned, and the silence is too much for him, so in order to break the silence, he asks, “Do you know what that means?”

“Yes
,” his father says quickly and looks at his mother. She’s folding her arms.

“
Er… OK… er, do you think you should see another psychologist?” his father asks.

“No!” Kevin says
loudly. “I thought I made it clear that I think the depression is because I hated myself for being gay. I’ve accepted that now, so for me, I’m done with that. I don’t want to see another psycho again and I don’t want to take those stupid pills anymore. I’m not sick and I’m not a freak!”

“But there must be something we
can do to help?” his father says.

“Well, you can accept me as I am and just be with i
t. Brendan had the same problem as I did and I honestly believe that is why he committed suicide. For all these years, I was probably the only one who knew why he killed himself. Being gay was unbearable for him and he was bitterly unhappy. When I saw how much he had hurt everyone by killing himself, I vowed never to do the same.”

“Yeah… Well… Kevin, I don’t know what to say to you
now. It’s a massive surprise you just dumped on us,” his father says.

His mother gets up and says
,” But we still love you and won’t abandon you. You are our son. It’s fine.” She hugs him.

“Yeah, well that’s true. Look
, I’m a bit tired and I want to go to sleep now, so we’ll talk about it tomorrow,” his father says.

“OK, OK
, we’ll talk tomorrow. Sleep well!” Kevin says and hugs both his parents. According to him everything has gone well!

He feels
as if a massive burden has been lifted from him and he goes to his room afterwards to thank God for bringing him this far. Afterwards he goes to the living room and says, “It’s done!” Klara is surprised that their parents took it that well, but relieved that they did.

The following day i
s Sunday and the whole family goes to church as usual. Kevin is far more alert than usual. Everything is different. The Holy Communion has a completely different meaning for him. At the end of the service, when the minister gives the blessing of peace, he feels a massive wave of serenity and peace coming over him. He becomes emotional and feels it all over his body. For him, this is a wonderful sign that what he did was true and correct and that he now lives in the Truth. He vows never to lie to anyone about any aspect of himself again.

His parents a
re quiet all day. Kevin feels awkward, because his father had said that they would talk again on Sunday. His father should make the next move. It feels as if everyone is avoiding each other, which makes Sunday lunch a bit uncomfortable.

After lunch, Kevin’s mother says
to Klara, “I think we should go shopping today.”

“Shopping?
On a Sunday afternoon? You must be joking!” Kevin says. “Where are we going?” he asks.

Kevin’s
mother wants to reply, but his father interrupts, “You are staying here. We need to talk.”

Klara’s
eyes widen. She hasn’t trusted the peace from the beginning. Kevin nods his head in agreement and says, “OK, OK.”

After Kevin’s mother and
Klara leave, Kevin’s father says that they should go to the living room. He starts by saying, “You know me, Kevin - when there is a problem I confront it head-on. That’s my nature and what you told us yesterday is a problem for me. I have difficulty accepting it.”

Kevin
feels his father’s displeasure and underlying irritation and says, “I understand that it must be a bit difficult for you. I guess it will take time.”

“I don’t believe in
time will tell
or
time heals anything
or some stupid saying like that. Something needs to happen for things to work out or for one to have an understanding. I want to know: did anything happen between you and Brendan? Did he do anything? Because… do you remember one of the psychologists talked about the fact that you may have been molested? Maybe that is what we’re dealing with here,” his father says.

“That’s not what we’re dealing
with here. I was never molested!” Kevin exclaims. Kevin stares into the distance. He doesn’t want his parents to have these kinds of thoughts about Brendan. He feels the need to protect Brendan’s reputation.

“Something did happen between Brendan and me, OK. He showed me how to
wank. I wanted to know because that other stupid Tommy talked about it, so I asked him. I was 12 years old and curious! I wanted to know! I wanted to ask you, but if I had, would you have shown me?” Kevin asks.

There i
s complete silence. “Would you have shown me?” Kevin asks again. “Or rather tell me, how did you learn to wank?” Kevin asks.

“I don’t think that is the problem here
,” his father says.

“I think it is! You think that for some reason it is possible to talk about sexuality without talking about sex and it’s not!
It’s like talking about getting drunk without talking about alcohol. It’s not possible,” Kevin says.

Kevin’s father looks
at him in a way he has never seen before. Kevin is briefly quiet and then says, “I can be confrontational too, you know. I got it from someone!”

“
I just don’t understand how this has happened,” his father says.

“Nor do I,” Kevin replies, “
yet I’m dealing with it and I’ve had to since I was twelve. Twelve!” he yells. “There was no one to help me, give me advice or anything. At that age I felt I was going straight to hell. How could I turn to anyone knowing that? And now, here you are confronting me about it… You should give me guidance. The stuff I read where people tried to justify it, tried to find a fault somewhere. Is it the father? Is it the mother? Was there sexual abuse? An absence of God maybe? There are so many excuses for homosexuality but no-one wonders: ‘Hey, maybe that’s just the way it should be? Maybe it’s normal this way!’”

Kevin’s father scratches
his neck. “Well, you are clearly frustrated about this. I have a lot to think about, actually. I tell you what: I’ll think about it a bit more thoroughly and then we have a chat again, OK?

“OK
,” Kevin says.

His father then says
, “But for now, Kevin, I must be honest too. I’m not happy about this. This is not what I wanted for you. Your life will be so much harder because of this choice and…”

“It’s not a choice! Are you out of your mind? Who would choose something like this? Having the whole world against you… Do you think I want to upset you deliberately? Did
Brendan choose to be gay so that he could eventually kill himself for fun? Come on!” Kevin says loudly, waving his arms.

“OK, OK
, calm down for Pete’s sake! I’m not ready yet, OK. I realise this now, but we’ll talk again,” Kevin’s father says and gets up and leaves the room.

Kevin si
ts and thinks about the conversation he has just had. He is far more assertive with his father than ever before. He has never seen his father back away from anything so quickly. Just as he doesn’t want to know anything about his parents’ sex life, his parents probably don’t want to know about his. The problem is more the label than anything else. “But what can I do about that?” he says out loud.

Later that afternoon whe
n his sister and mother return, Klara wants to know what happened. “It was really strange to talk to Dad about this. He backed off quite quickly and we haven’t spoken much since then. I don’t know what to make of it,” Kevin says. “How does Mom feel about it?” he asks.

“She isn’t
happy at all. She wonders what she did wrong. I mean, duh, you have to deal with everything and she wants to make as if she’s the victim here. I was subjected to the third degree because she doesn’t want me to go the same route. Somehow it seems that my life is also under scrutiny,” Klara says. “I almost told her that I haven’t had sex yet with anyone, but it can be arranged!” she says laughing.

“I wish everyone would stop trying to find fault with themselves or others. There is no blaming for it. If I were writing with my left hand instead of my right hand, would anyone blam
e themselves for it?” Kevin says.

As he says this, he thinks about Michael again. He’
s sure Michael would be proud of what he did today, if only he could contact him again.

Talking to God later on, it
’s clear that God is very proud of Kevin for finally having the courage to reveal to those he loves most who he is, without any secrets. God tells him to get the play Hamlet by Shakespeare from his parents’ bookshelf and guides him to the following:

‘This above all: To
thine own self be true,

And it must follow, as the night the day.

Thou canst not then be false to any man.

Farewell! My
blessing season this in thee.’

This was Polonius’ last piece of advice to his son Laertus. Kevin had never read Hamlet, but maybe now he would, but he understands what God means: that he should not live a life of any kind of falsehoods from now on.

Later that week, he
goes to Dr Barnard again. “My mother didn’t want me to come today. I think she blames you for my being gay,” Kevin says after telling him about the events over the weekend.

“That’s O
K. It’s quite a normal reaction,” Dr Barnard says. “She is more than welcome to come and see me as well,” he continues.

“I don’t think so. She wouldn’t confront you about it. My dad would, but he’s at work all the time. Why can’t they just accept it?”

“Kevin, how long did it take
you
to accept your sexuality?” Dr Barnard asks.

“Mor
e than five years,” Kevin replies.

“This may sound silly, but you have to give your parents the same amount of time. Just as you had difficulty getting to grips with your sexuality, so they w
ill too. Parents have all kinds of hopes and dreams for their children, which you have dashed now, and it will take time for them to come up with new dreams for you,” Dr Barnard says.

“My father says
that he doesn’t believe that time will heal, but that something must happen for healing to occur. I don’t know where I stand with him. He is openly against it and tells me that he cannot accept it, but my mother seems sort of okay with it,” Kevin says.