Going Down: The Elevator Series (23 page)

I plopped down onto the couch with a small bowl of ice cream because I couldn’t give up all my vices in one day. I was hardly a saint, after all. My brain hurt from all the thinking I had done. I hadn’t figured out anything yet, but I was certain I needed a plan, and I needed this plan to not suck. A little help from a pantless Good Luck Cat would go a long way.

***

I was feeling the effects of the abrupt change in my sedentary lifestyle on Sunday. Even my eyelashes hurt. Still, I didn’t want the temptation of moping around the apartment all day. Tompkins Square Park was always good for people watching. Grabbing a bagel, coffee, a couple of painkillers, and a book, I sat in relative peace most of the morning. Peace was always a relative term in the city.

I had gotten no traction begging Maggie’s forgiveness over text and e-mail, so I opted for a different approach. I would just start texting her normal things as I went about my day.

I saw a dog poop in a fountain. Thought of you.

Well, normal for us.

That didn’t elicit a response either, but I wouldn’t give up. We had been sidekicks for too long to throw in the towel now. She needed me to attend movie sing-alongs with her and to remember all her passwords. I needed her to tell me when my dress was tucked into my underwear and tell me when things were stuck in my teeth. It was the symbiotic relationship nature never intended.

***

I trudged up the stairs Monday morning. I still wasn’t quite ready to start using elevators again, nor to work with my door open. One step at a time. At the very least, I was starting to get over Cole. I could tell by how I didn’t even notice his hair was parted an eighth of an inch more toward the left. He also wore a tie I’d never seen before, and I tried not to think about the possibility another woman had perhaps purchased it for him. I didn’t know who she was, or even if she existed, but I hated her. I wanted to be the one buying his ties. Instead, I was going to be thankful I still had a job and hadn’t been blackballed from this entire industry. Then, I was going to go jog on a nice, safe treadmill this evening, and use ice cream to push down the thought of new ties.

The rest of the week was a lather, rinse, repeat situation. I was reluctantly adjusting to my new normal. Maggie still hadn’t responded to a single text, but I was jogging every night. I still couldn’t speak to Cole, or look him in the eye for a millisecond, but I had given up tearjerker love stories. I watched a lot of cooking shows and reality television, but that was an improvement. I would take the small victories where I could get them.

My new routine hit a speed bump Thursday afternoon. While in the midst of rearranging my pens by color and purpose, I caught a familiar head of blond hair zip past my door. I knew she wouldn’t be able to avoid me forever. She would eventually have to come back into the office to deal with Barry’s latest infraction. And it looked like today was the day.

She was behind her desk with her back to the door. I knocked, but she didn’t acknowledge it.

“Maggie, can I talk to you?”

She still didn’t turn around. “I’m really busy right now, but you can send me an e-mail.”

I hated how detached her voice sounded.

“Would you read it if I did?”

“Probably not.”

That was the final straw for me. I walked fully into her office and shut the door behind me. “Maggie, this has gone too far. I’ve made quite a few huge mistakes, and I’m sorrier than you can know. That’s not like me at all. You not talking to me isn’t like you either. I need you to help me fix this.”

Maggie finally turned her chair, but when she did, her expression was like ice. “I never in a million years would’ve thought a boy would break up our friendship. Especially not this far into adulthood, but here we are.”

“This is about a lot more than a boy, Maggie. Talk to me. Please.” I inched closer to her desk cautiously. I wasn’t above begging.

“I’ve said everything I have to say. I need you to leave my office, please. I would prefer that no one see us talking. I don’t want you taking the both of us down with your poor judgment. Plus, I have work to do. Not all of us have as much spare time for interoffice fraternization as you do.” Her voice was so distant, I doubted NASA could have picked it up.

She turned her chair back around, signaling the end of the conversation. This was too much. So many emotions fought for dominance in my body—anger, hurt, disbelief, frustration, and a few others I couldn’t even distinguish. Unfortunately, they all manifested themselves in a deluge of tears. I wanted to make Maggie listen to me. I wanted to be the kind of woman who made rousing speeches in times of need, but I wasn’t at that place in my life yet. For now, I would have to settle for retreating back to my office to lick my wounds.

Stealth not being my strong suit, I ran smack into Cole’s desk while trying to hide my tear-stained face with my hair. Mascara was not cheap, and I had ruined a lot of it lately. Although it was much further down on the list, that gave me another reason to cry.

“Cici, are you all right? What’s wrong?”

I couldn’t see much, but I could tell he was out of his chair. I pulled a page out of the handbook that is etched into the backside of every woman’s retinas at birth. “I’m fine.”

I quickly moved around his desk, desperate to get back to my office as if it were home base and I couldn’t be touched there. I was wrong. Cole was right behind me.

“Cici, what happened? What did Maggie say to you?”

I knew immediately that I couldn’t stay. I needed to go home and regroup. I had to be anywhere that wasn’t here right now. I grabbed my bag and started for the door, but Cole stepped in front of me to block my path.

“Cici, please talk to me. Just talk to me.”

I realized I was doing to him what Maggie was doing to me. And I didn’t know how to fix it without making it worse. I had too many thoughts and I hadn’t been able to make sense of most of them yet. I wanted him, but I also wanted both of us to have jobs so we could eat every month. I wanted to bear the burden of this screw up, but it looked like I wasn’t shielding him at all. The pain in his eyes was torture to see. I wanted to tell him everything, but I was afraid the floodgates of word vomit would break loose if I dared open my mouth, so I did what I do best.

I ran.

I ran all the way back to the Lower East Side, only stopping once to significantly deplete one market’s supply of Ben & Jerry’s. To be fair, I think I only ran twenty blocks, and I walked the rest when I thought my heart was going to explode. Somewhere around Gramercy, I pulled the lid off a tub of ice cream and dug out a plastic spoon I’d also had the forethought to purchase. I ate my way home.

I was putting the last of my frozen placeholders for love in the freezer when I heard my phone buzzing from the bottom of my purse. The absolute last name I expected to see glowed on my screen.

Maggie.

I answered it like a hostage negotiator taking a call from bank robbers. “Hello?”

“I didn’t think you would answer my call.”

“Well, I’m not that big of an asshole.”

I heard her exhale. “I deserved that.”

I couldn’t get a read on her current temperament, so I sat silently, waiting for her to direct the conversation. Leroy pounced on my lap, sniffing at the ice cream dribbled down the front of my blouse.

“You broke up with him.” It was a statement and not a question.

“But you didn’t tell him that I made you break it off.” Another statement.

“It was my screw up, not yours. You weren’t the bad guy there. I didn’t want to make things uncomfortable between you two.”

“You love him.” Still not a question.

“It’s over, Maggie. You don’t need to worry about us anymore.” I could feel the tears coming again.

“No, I mean you really love him. And he loves you, too.”

And here come the waterworks.

“Maggie, why did you call?”

“I called because right after you left, your besotted assistant barged into my office and demanded to know what I said that upset you so much. I incorrectly assumed he was there to tell me where to shove my ultimatum about your sexual trysts, but he didn’t seem to know anything about that. Until now.”

“Oh.” I didn’t know what else to say. This seemed to be going from bad to worse.

“I also incorrectly assumed that this was just a casual fling. I mean, have you seen Cole? Every woman in the office wants him.”

I needed to lie down. “Maggie, that’s not helpful. Back on topic.”

“Sorry. My point is I called to apologize. I should do it in person, but I’m honestly afraid you’re going to throw something at me. I’m sorry. I had no idea you guys really had something. I never would’ve asked you to give that up. I was really hurt that you hid this from me, and I lashed out. I am an asshole. You’re my best friend; you deserve to be loved like that.”

A solid three minutes passed before I was able to control my crying long enough to respond. “
I’m
the sorry one. You deserve better than how I treated you. We’re both assholes. But you were right. I can’t be with him. I can’t be responsible for all of us losing our jobs.”

Maggie laughed, and I realized how very long it had been since I’d heard that sound. “Cici, when have we ever been ones to obey all the rules? Sometimes the consequences are worth the transgression. My best friend showed me that not too long ago. And she’s pretty smart. Plus, why are you worried about me? I’ve got a trust fund to fall back on. I’m going to be fine.”

“You told me to be worried about you!” I couldn’t even pretend to sound mad. I was so happy to have some normalcy back in my life.

“Yes, but I was mad and I don’t make sense when I’m mad.” She said it like this was the most basic fact in the universe.

I laughed as I pulled a tissue from the box that had become a permanent fixture on my coffee table. “Maggie, you don’t make sense most of the time. But I’m really so very sorry for keeping this from you. I shouldn’t have.”

“Well, you can make up for it by telling me all the juicy details I’ve missed. Start from the very beginning and don’t leave anything out.”

“Well, actually it started—” A knock at my door interrupted the very abridged version of our love story.

“Just a second, Maggie. Someone’s at the door.” I looked through the peephole three times to make sure I wasn’t seeing a mirage. I was likely dehydrated from the unwise amount of walking today. My hand shook as I fumbled to get the locks open.

Cole stood in the hallway. It felt like this moment was lacking a wind machine and swelling music. I had no idea what to say to him, but I remembered I still had Maggie on the phone in my hand.

I put the phone up to my ear, not breaking eye contact with him. “Maggie, I’m going to have to let you go. Cole’s here.”

“He is? Roger that. Tell him I said hello.”

My voice was almost alarmingly calm. “Will do.”

“10-4, good buddy.”

I ended the call before she could chide me for not saying my part. Everything had changed and there were so many things I wanted to say to Cole.

“Hi.” But my brain decided to say none of them.

“Can I come in?” He had his hands in his pockets and his hair showed signs of tousling.

I jumped out of the doorway that I had been blocking. “Oh, yes! Sorry. Please come in. Sit down. Do you want something to drink? Eat? Do you want to play a board game or something?” I don’t even know where that last one came from.

He sat down on the couch and turned toward me. “No, I was just hoping we could talk.”

“Of course.” I sat down on the other end of the couch, keeping my distance until I knew where this conversation was going. I wouldn’t blame him if he wanted to tell me to take a running leap into the Hudson River with all my craziness.

“I talked to Maggie today. She filled me in on some things I wasn’t privy to. Namely that she found out about our relationship and demanded that we break up.”

I picked at a loose thread on a throw pillow. “That’s pretty much it in a nutshell.”

“And you thought that was what was best for us?”

I hoped he could hear the apology in my voice. “I didn’t see how I had any choice.”

“Where did my choice go in all of this?” He didn’t look angry, but he sounded almost authoritative. “Why didn’t I get the option to decide what’s best for me?”

“Cole, I’m your boss. We never should’ve carried on a romantic relationship. I put your job at risk—a job you worked so hard to attain. Ending things before you got fired in disgrace was what was best for you.”

He grabbed my hand that was slowly unraveling my own favorite green pillow. “Cici, you’re what’s best for me. You’ve become more important to me than a job. I love you.”

When I didn’t think it was possible for me to cry one more time in the same day, the tears started to fall again. “I love you, too.”

“Plus,” he continued, “last time I checked, we were both consenting adults who knew the risks. This is something we should’ve decided together.”

“You have a point there. I panicked and I didn’t see another way out. I didn’t want to burden you with the drama, so I planned to exit your personal life as quietly as possible.”

Cole’s head jerked backwards. “As quietly as possible? Do you have any idea how much time I’ve spent at the gym since you dumped me? I sit at work and do nothing and then I go to the gym and punch inanimate objects. Then I lay in bed and do it all over again the next day. This has really sucked.”

I touched his damn handsome face. “I am so sorry. As sorry as a person can possibly be, I’m even sorrier than that.”
For someone who apologizes a lot, I am well above my quota.

Cole cracked a tiny smile for the first time in a long while. “Did you think I would never find out that she knows my own brother-in-law? There isn’t much old money left in this country, and those families all know each other. It would’ve come out eventually.”

I hadn’t really factored that in. “I said it was a plan; I didn’t say it was a good plan!”

He laughed loudly, pulling me onto his lap. “I adore you, but these stealth plans of yours aren’t your forte. Need I remind you of the disguise you wore the day we officially met?” He laughed harder, nearly bouncing me off his legs.