Going Long (8 page)

Reed

I must have dialed Nolan’s phone
20 times during my drive to her dorm, each time it clicked right to voicemail.
I knew it would. Why I kept hoping for a different result each time I pressed
her number, I don’t know.

Two girls were working at the
front desk in her dorm, and thankfully, they were too distracted by their own
conversation to pay much attention to me when I blew right past them and
charged up the stairs. I got to her room and knocked lightly at first; I could hear
the light murmuring of her television so I knew she was there. I waited for a
few long seconds and didn’t hear any movement so I knocked louder. When I still
heard nothing, I reached for the handle and started to turn it when suddenly
the door flew open, making me stumble.

The tall, skinny tattooed guy
staring back at me was not what I expected, and I had to shake my head a
little, worried that perhaps somehow I’d barged into the wrong room. When I
heard Nolan call my name, I was even more confused. I sucked my top lip in a
bit and let my vision bounce between Nolan and the strange guy who was in her
room…in his socks? He looked waaaayyy too comfortable to be in here.

“Uh, and you are?” I folded my
arms in front of me and stared him down. Unfazed, he just reached out a hand
for me to shake it.

“Hi, I’m Gavin. I live
upstairs,” he said, like everything here was normal. I didn’t shake his hand
and instead just pushed by him and made my way to Noles who was lying on her
bed, her head propped up with pillows and her favorite blanket wrapped around
her feet.

“What the hell?” I said,
forgetting for a second why I’d come. I pointed over my shoulder to the strange
dude who I did not like
feeling so at home
in Nolan’s room.

Nolan just rolled her eyes at my
gesture, and I would have taken her bait if the cold stare that followed didn’t
jolt me back to the entire reason I’d driven here. “Noles, you are soooo off on
this one,” I started, but she was quick to cut me off.

“What are you doing here, Reed?
Just leave,” she was pale and looked ill. I’d hurt her, and it was killing me.

“I’m not going anywhere,” I
said, probably a little too defensively, but I was still worked up. When Gavin
interrupted us and reached for my arm it didn’t help things.

“Reed, right? Why don’t we go
take a walk or something, hey? She’s had a bit of a day…” he was trying to
explain things to me, like he had any part in our lives. It was pissing me off.

“Gavin, right?” I said, mocking
his words. “Why don’t you take a walk?” I stood right in his face, our chests
inches apart. I was pretty sure if I had to I could break him in half, and part
of me wanted to.

Looking for a lifeline, Gavin
peered over at Nolan who just rolled her eyes and told him to give us a few
minutes. A few minutes? What the fuck was going on?

Gavin left, letting her know
he’d just be upstairs if she needed anything. I did not like this guy. When the
door closed, I turned back to Nolan who was sitting up taller on her bed now
and pulling her blanket up to her chest. Something was definitely wrong with
her; she was sick, maybe? I just wanted to pick her up and put her in my lap
and stroke her hair until she fell asleep. But I had to fix the mess my brother
made for me first.

“What are you doing here, Reed?
Shouldn’t you be somewhere with Dylan?” her words had bite to them, but she
also seemed distant and detached. I hated Jason for this chain reaction he’d
started, but even more so because he found it all so damned amusing.

“Nolan, Dylan wasn’t there for
me. She was there for Jason,” I said, sitting down next to her. She flinched a
little at my nearness, and it broke my heart. She was wary of me. “I told you
never, Nolan, and I meant it.
Never
.”

I could tell that the truth was
starting to creep into her fortress a little, her eyes pooling a little. She
was staring me in the eyes, wordless. I slowly inched closer to her until our
legs were touching, and then I placed my hand to her cheek and she shut her
eyes, leaning into it a little. The tear that had been threatening to fall
finally slid down the side of her face. When she finally looked up at me, she
seemed like there was so much she wanted to say, but her mouth would only open
and shut, like she was struggling for where to begin. I didn’t need to hear any
words, and she didn’t need to say sorry.

“Don’t, just shhhhhh,” I said
pulling her close to me and cradling her, kissing her ear and holding her
tightly while I rocked her back and forth a little. “It’s okay, baby. It’s
okay. It was just a really messed up misunderstanding. It’s okay. We’re okay.”

I held her like that for the
next hour, waiting for her to fall asleep, but she never did. When a smile
finally tugged at her lips, I felt like we were back on even ground. I lay back
with her and clung her to my chest so I could play with the long wisps of hair
that were sweeping over her shoulders.

Unable to help myself, I
broached the other topic that had been rattling in my head. “So, Gavin’s…nice?”
I said, so obviously not a fan.

“Stop, Reed. He’s just a friend,
from class. He lives upstairs,” she explained him easily, but I still didn’t
like how familiar he was with her.

“Okay, I trust you. But that
guy’s a little too comfortable with you,” I pursed my lips and shook my head a
bit.

“You’re cute when you’re
jealous, you know that?” she poked at my nose, and I bit at her finger
teasingly.

“Well, I’m glad you think so…” I
trailed off, just staring into her eyes. “So, why was he here?”

She blew the loose hairs in her
eyes up with a fast breath and then sent me a sideways grin. “I had a little
accident,” she grimaced, almost embarrassed. “I got a little overzealous with
my running when I came home. I was a little angry, in my defense. Anyhow, I
sort of fainted.”

She was shadowing her face with
her hand a little, hiding her embarrassment. I didn’t like that she’d fainted.
It wasn’t anything for her to be embarrassed about, but it was something to
worry about. I just threaded my fingers through hers and pulled her hand to our
sides then leaned forward to press my lips to her forehead, mostly to see if
she was running a temperature. Instead, she was extremely cold.

“You probably got dehydrated,” I
decided, standing up and walking into her bathroom to fill a cup with water.
“You’re still really clammy; you should drink more liquid, okay?” I handed her
the cup, and she sat up to drink it, giving me her trademark salute, a cute
gesture she’d been doing since we first started dating in high school.

“And Gavin?” I said, biting my
lip, not wanting to seem overly suspicious, but still wanting answers.

She put the cup on her night
table and nestled back into her blanket and pillow. “He saw me go down. I hit
my head pretty hard, and he helped me get back home,” she rubbed at her
forehead a bit, and I could see a small bump forming.

“Noles, did you have someone
look at this?” I asked.

“Yeah, we made a stop at the
Health Center. I’m fine. Just need to take it easy today, that’s all,” she
shrugged her shoulders like she felt bad for ruining our plans somehow. Truth
was, there was no place I’d rather be.

“Sounds like a plan,” I said,
scooting her back over and getting under the blanket with her, tickling her
feet with my toes. “So, what are we watching?”

Her face lit up for the first
time since I’d entered her room. “
Happy Gilmore
,” she said, reaching for
the remote to turn the television back on. She sank down into me, and I spent
the next four hours—two movies—not moving an inch, trying not to
think about the douche bag who lived upstairs.

Nolan

It was like half of my heart
healed the instant Reed showed up. I knew when I saw him that he never slept
with Dylan. I felt rather foolish even thinking it. But my emotions were still
so tangled; it took me a little while to get my heart back where my head was. I
was holding on to so much, my guts twisted with grief and confusion and the
secret that was burning a hole in me.

The doctor at the Health Center
had the bedside manner of a UPS truck driver, more interested in checking off
the list of questions on his iPad questionnaire rather than actually talking to
me. After a short and impersonal exam, he confirmed that I likely had a
miscarriage. He told me it was incredibly common and that most women had at
least one in their lifetime. He gave me a packet of brochures and a condom with
a rehearsed lecture about safe sex and then sent me on my way.

I tossed the paperwork in the
trashcan just outside his office and shoved the condom in my pocket, not sure
why I even kept it. The entire visit only made me feel emptier, guiltier. Gavin
never asked any questions after I told him everything checked out fine and just
went about getting me comfortable in my room.

Not wanting to be alone, I asked
Gavin to stick around to watch movies with me. And when he sat next to me, our
sides touching a little, I felt a rush of nerves. It wasn’t the same tingles I
got when Reed touched me. These were the curious kind, and they made me
nervous. When I heard the pounding on my door, my heart began to race, because
I knew it was Reed. And I didn’t want him to see Gavin anywhere near me, let
alone in my room. I was grateful when Gavin got up from my bed, even if it
meant he’d be face-to-face with Reed at the door.

Once our misunderstandings were
behind us, Reed ended up staying with me through the night. I still had a few
things to pick up from my parents, so we both drove back to Coolidge separately
on Saturday morning and spent the rest of the day bouncing between visits with
Buck and my parents. That night, we drove out to the desert camp and sat on the
hood of Reed’s Jeep, just looking at the stars. The big talk about our future
plans never really happened, but that was okay. I’d come to terms with the fact
that I was going to have to face change, and I might have to make a choice
between following Reed to whatever city he landed in or trusting the strength
of our relationship and staying at ASU. And that wasn’t something talking would
help; I’d have to figure that out all on my own.

Two weeks had passed, and things
were starting to feel normal in my world—the panic attacks stopped, and I
was sleeping through the night. Dylan wasn’t around as much as I’d worried
she’d be, and Jason had been busy with the business, so when Reed and I went to
visit his dad a few times, it was just like old times. Rosie had practically
moved in, taking on most of the caretaking that Jason had said he would do. I
know this set Reed’s mind at ease, because he constantly worried about his dad.

It was almost Reed’s birthday,
and I had decided to surprise him with a camping trip, much like the one he’d
given me when we first started dating. I wanted to feel connected to him,
connected to us, and I thought bringing us back to the place where I’d first
given myself to him completely would do that.

I hadn’t let Reed touch me since
the day I found out I had miscarried. I wasn’t flinching at his touch like I
had for days, but I still found excuses to stop our kissing from progressing
any further. I could tell Reed noticed, but he’d never been pushy with me about
being physical. I was usually the aggressor, and I knew that to get back to
where we were with our sex life, I’d need to be the one to lead us there.
 

The weekend before his birthday
gave me plenty of planning time. Reed’s game was in Colorado, so I wouldn’t get
to see him until the team got back into town. I was spending my Saturday with
Sienna for the first time in months. Always up for planning surprises, she was
excited when I asked her to join me for a little shopping spree. I needed to
get some picnic gear, just enough to make things romantic. I’d borrowed the
camping equipment from Buck the weekend before and stashed it in my gigantic
trunk.

Sienna and I were cruising the
various aisles of Target and almost had everything on my list when we stopped
in front of the baby supplies. I froze. I hadn’t thought about it in weeks, but
with that small flash of pinks and blues, it all came rushing back to me, and I
went catatonic.

“Nolan, are you okay?” I felt
Sienna’s arm reaching around me, snapping me back.

“Oh, uh…yeah. I’m okay,” I
looked back at the soft quilt hanging from a display and the various piles of
baby toys and onesies. Everything around me was so small, so tiny, so precious.
I couldn’t seem to come to grips with how quickly something could be here and
then be gone. It all happened in an instant.

“Do you think I’ll ever have
kids?” I asked, swallowing hard and looking up into Sienna’s eyes. It was the
first time I’d said this out loud. I knew I wasn’t ready now, and I felt so
guilty that I was relieved when I’d lost the baby. Our baby. Reed’s baby. But I
was also terrified that I’d never get another chance. That this was it for me.

Sienna just squeezed me harder
and pulled me into a full hug. “Nolan, of course you will have kids. What
happened is something that happens all of the time, to a lot of women,” she was
stepping back now, holding my hand a little and looking at me curiously. “Have
you talked to anyone? I mean, you know I think you still need to talk to Reed,
but you might also want to talk things out with someone else, someone who can
help you put what happened behind you.”

I just bit my lip a bit and
nodded. I knew she was right, but I also knew I wouldn’t talk to anyone. If I
had my way, I’d erase what happened from Sienna and Sarah’s memories, too. And
even better, I’d erase it from my own.

I dropped Sienna off at her
apartment after lunch and was heading back to my parking lot when I heard my
phone beep. Still paranoid about reaching for my phone while I was on the road,
I pulled over into a Starbucks and dug through my purse. It was a text from
Gavin.

Hey, the dingle twins managed to
line up our last three tests today. If you can make it, we should be able to
knock everything out and put together the final findings and report – and
be done with those jackasses forever! Let me know if you’re in – we’ll
meet at the library at 2. –G

The thought of finishing my
nightmare psychology project was inviting. I knew it would be a long day, but
Reed was going to be gone until late Sunday, so I thought I might as well make
the best use out of my time and get the dingle twins out of my way.

I’m in. I’m at Starbucks, want
anything?

I waited for a few seconds to
see if Gavin had an order. He wrote back quickly.

Chai. Thx.

I grabbed a strong coffee for
me, and a chai, and made my way to the library. I probably should have offered
to get something for the dingles, too, but I was pretty sure Gavin wasn’t with
them yet. He and I both tried to limit our time alone with those two.

I could hear them as soon as I
walked into the study room. It was a weekend, so thankfully we were the only
group in that part of the library; otherwise, I’m sure those two would get us
kicked out. Their real names were Steven and Cory, but I just couldn’t get
myself to even think of them as anything other than our nickname for them.

“Hey, what? No love for me,
Sugar?” Cory said, reaching his arm around me like we were buds. I just smirked
at him, annoyed, and he quickly took his arm from my shoulder. “Sorry, no
touching. Got it.”

I handed Gavin his chai and then
tossed my backpack to the floor and took a spot at the end of the table. Gavin
dove right into work mode, and I was grateful. He assigned Steven and Cory
specific jobs—ones even they could handle—and we set up the three
rooms for testing. Our subjects arrived within the hour, and we were done with
all testing by 4 p.m.

When it came to compiling
results, I was the master. I had our main spreadsheet organized within minutes,
and Gavin was fetching copies from the printer for us to evaluate as a group.

“I don’t know, these people look
like a bunch of dummies,” Cory said, leaning back and plopping his feet up on
the table. His attitude must have annoyed Gavin, because he flung his feet back
to the floor without even lifting his gaze to look at Cory.

“There are two dummies here, and
they aren’t on this spreadsheet,” Gavin said, chewing on his pen cap and
refusing to make eye contact with them. His nonchalant insult made me
snort-laugh a little.

“Hey, man. That’s not nice,”
Cory said, tossing his pen at Gavin who only looked up at him briefly and then
went right back to work.

“So Nolan, what’s your deal?”
Cory was moving on to me now that he’d worn out his welcome with Gavin.

“Sorry, not sure what you mean,”
I said, taking Gavin’s lead and not looking up to engage him.

I felt him shift in his seat and
lean forward to put his elbows on his knees. Steven was joining him now, too.
“I mean, you’re like totally committed to your boyfriend and shit, right?” He
was smirking at me, and I didn’t like it.

“Yes, I’m like
totally
committed to my boyfriend, and shit
,” I said, still not engaging, but
becoming more and more pissed off.

“Hey, I didn’t mean anything by
it. Settle down, settle down,” he was chuckling.

“What a cocky asshole,” I
thought.

 
“I was just thinking…you
probably haven’t partied much. Or done anything really
college experienced
,
or nothing.”

“I’m pretty happy. Besides, I
don’t have a lot of time to party…when I’m carrying two losers on my academic
shoulders,” I said, tapping my pen on their unfinished report pages.

Despite Cory’s inability to
launch a sentence, he was right. I wouldn’t give him the satisfaction now, but
his words did have some truth to them. I noticed Gavin studying me, too, and I
could feel the intensity of it without even looking. I just forged on with my
work, and the room stayed silent for several minutes. Gavin finally broke it.

“We should give you a college
experience,” he said. I snapped my eyes up to meet his, not sure where this was
going but pretty sure I didn’t want to experience anything with these three.
Gavin must have sensed my fear, because he started chuckling and backtracking a
bit.

“No, no. That’s not what I
meant. God no,” he laughed. “I mean, we’ve been working our asses off on this
project…
or at least some of us have
. Anyhow, we should celebrate when
we’re done tonight. Let’s hit a club or something. I’ve got a buddy who’s
playing on Mill. I bet you’d like his stuff. We could just kick back, dance,
shoot some pool, down some beers. Whataya say?”

It was clear the dingles were
game, but I knew that the only person Gavin was really asking was
me
.
Most of me was repelling the idea of going out tonight. But then there was also
that small part of me—the part that craved to live just a
little—that was fighting to say yes. It was a harmless night out. And
Reed would be gone. Before I could talk myself back out of it, I just smiled
and nodded.

“Okay, why not,” I said,
throwing my pen down and standing to head to the restroom.

When I walked into the ladies
room, I headed right to the sink and mirror, splashing a little water on my
face and looking at myself, my hair knotted atop my head and a pencil holding
it in place. I pulled the pencil down and let my hair fall to my shoulders,
shaking it out in sexy waves. I hadn’t thought about how I looked in months.
And even though it wasn’t for Reed, it was nice to think about being pretty for
someone.

We didn’t get everything
printed, bound and labeled until 8 p.m. By this time, I was usually heading
over to Sienna’s or Sarah’s to crash on their sofa and watch whatever stupid
movie or TV show I’d talked them into recording for me. I had gone to clubs,
but they had all been in Tucson, and I was always with Reed. I was a little
nervous about getting in without an ID, but Gavin told me not to worry. He knew
a lot of the people at the place we were going and was pretty sure I could pass
by unnoticed. I just hoped I could fit in with the clubbing crowd.

My wardrobe hadn’t changed much
over the last two years. I hadn’t really thought about that until now, but
looking at my sparse closet and shoe selection had me a bit embarrassed. The
guys had all headed to their various rooms, and we all planned to meet
downstairs before heading out. I decided to keep it simple and put my red heels
on with a pair of jeans and a tight black tank top. I left my hair down and
made up for the boring outfit with some heavy eye shadow and lipstick. I gave
myself a once over, took a deep breath, stuffed my keys and phone in my small
handbag and headed out the door.