Going Long (12 page)

 
Sean just sighed. I could almost
see him nodding through the phone.

“I’m right, aren’t I?” I said
quietly.

“Reed, I don’t know. But I think
maybe this kiss is just the tip of your problems,” he was laying it out
straight. “But…and I mean this…I don’t think you’re ready to quit on what you
two have. You love her. Like, really love her. You always have, and you know
it. You need to talk.”

I took in a deep breath and lay
flat on my bed again, staring at that same stupid dot on my ceiling that I’d
been looking at since yesterday. “Yeah, I know. You’re right. You always are,
dick head,” I joked, trying to lighten the situation, and my miserable-ass
mood. I was pretty sure I was heading to ASU after practice. Some things just
weren’t meant to be said over-the-phone.

Nolan

Somehow, I kept managing to find
new lows. I was working on maybe two hours of sleep over the last 48 hours, and
it was starting to make me paranoid and full of anxiety—something which I
already had a tough time managing with ample amounts of sleep and low stress.
 

When Reed shut the door on me
yesterday, I crumbled. I sat there in the stairwell sobbing for an hour. And
when I made it back up to my room, I just kept going. I ignored Sarah and
Sienna for the entire day, just texting them that I was busy, putting them off.
I wasn’t ready for their dose of advice. And worse, I wasn’t ready for Sarah to
be pissed off at me. I knew she would be.

I’d done this. And I knew if I
just let Reed in earlier, I could have avoided it all. But I’d made a mountain
out of my problems and guilt, and rather than deal with it all, I got carried
away in stupid fantasies. I liked Gavin, sure. He was smart and handsome, and
had that musician thing that made girls get stupid. But he didn’t have my
heart.

I dialed Reed’s number on an
impulse last night, spilling my guts to him. I was thankful, at first, when I
got his voicemail. Voicemail wasn’t intimidating, at least not when you were
throwing caution to the wind. I told him everything. I told him how sorry I was
that I’d been so cold toward him, how freaked out I was because I was pregnant,
but how guilty I felt now because I’d lost the baby. I started crying harder
when I admitted that aloud, just saying the words cut through me like a knife
and forced me to pause on the phone for a few seconds—choking on words
and heartbreak. I told him about what really happened the day I fell from the
treadmill, about the heartless doctor who gave me a stack of brochures and a
condom, along with my miscarriage diagnosis—and about how my fucked up
head and drinking turned into the worst decision of my life when I kissed Gavin
that night. I downright begged for him to forgive me. I laid it all out on the
field, nothing left.

And then I waited.

As each hour passed, the fact
that Reed wasn’t calling was hitting me harder and harder. I figured he was
probably ignoring my call and message at first. I thought about texting him,
trying to force him to see my name and face. But each time I grabbed my phone,
I chickened out, thought it was better to let him work through what he had
heard and seen.

I knew I wouldn’t be able to
avoid Sarah and Sienna forever, so I texted them and told them to meet me at
the Starbucks for coffee. Sienna, always perceptive, knew something was up
almost immediately, texting me back:

You okay?

I was done lying.

No. Not at all.

I managed to take a shower and
pull on some sweats and my warm Uggs. It was starting to get chilly at night,
and I wasn’t up for driving, so I planned on walking. I was stuffing my keys
and some cash in my pocket when my phone buzzed. I was anxious and excited at
first, but then I saw it was Becky. Knowing I couldn’t put this off forever
either, I answered while I locked up.

“Hey Becks,” I said, knowing
what was coming.

“Hey…are you…okay?” She knew.
That must mean Sean knew, which meant at least Reed was talking to
someone—that made me feel hopeful.

“No, not really,” I sighed.
“Becky, I don’t know how it got to this.” Becky didn’t know the full story, and
I didn’t think I’d be able to fill her in on everything, including the
pregnancy, in the short walk to the coffee shop. I was pretty sure Sean would
know about it soon anyhow, though, and by extension, Becky.

“Reed called Sean. I’m sure you
know,” she sighed. “Has he called you yet?”

“No…” I lingered. “I keep
waiting. Actually, I got a little hopeful when you called.”

“Oh…I’m sorry. I’m sure he’ll
call, Noles. Sean said he was pretty tore up, but he got through to him.”

The tears were starting to come
again, so I wiped my eyes with the corners of my sleeves. I was passing people
on the sidewalk now, so I tried not to give too much away, but I wanted to know
everything Becky knew…she was my only connection to Reed.

“What happened, Nolan? Was this
guy, like, just hitting on you all the time or something? I mean, do you like
him? Do you know him really well?” she was trying to give me the benefit of the
doubt.

I just let out a big breath and
shrugged, even though she couldn’t see it. “I don’t know. I mean, yes, he’s
really good looking…and he’s smart. His name’s Gavin, he’s in a lot of my
classes with me. We’ve worked on a lot of projects together, and he’s always
been flirty, but that’s it.”

“Did he just blindside you? I
mean, how did the kiss happen?” she was trying to understand.

“Becks, I was pretty drunk. I
remember it, but sort of like it was a dream. Or more like a nightmare. We were
out celebrating, a bunch of us were. And you know me, I never go out…but it
just sounded like so much fun. And I was so stressed…you know, from school,” I
was vague with that last part. “We were playing pool, and everything was fine.
And then there was a band, and we were dancing and then Gavin got close and we
were dancing really closely, and he touched me a little, not like
that
,
but still…it was pretty clear what he was suggesting. And then I bolted.”

“Well, that doesn’t sound so
bad. Did he kiss you while you were dancing? I’m sure if you explained this to
Reed he’d see…” Becky started to suggest, but I cut her off.

“No, no. It wasn’t while we were
dancing,” I said, the tears threatening again. I hung my head in shame and bit
my lip a little. “He followed me outside, and after a really intense stare-off,
we kissed each other. Becks, I didn’t stop him. Not for a
looooong
time,
at least.”

Starbucks was only another block
away. We both hung on the phone in silence for a few seconds, and I was
starting to worry that I’d lost Becky, too. Then she finally spoke.

“Nolan, it’s not as bad as it
sounds. I think maybe Reed’s mind is making it worse than it is. You just need
to explain it to him. It was a kiss. You didn’t sleep with him, and I’m
guessing you never plan on kissing him again,” she joked a little.

I just laughed in return. “No, I
really don’t. I don’t even like him that way, Becks. I just want to rewind the
whole damn thing,” I said, starting to feel a little optimistic.

I hung up with Becky as I walked
into Starbucks, where Sarah and Sienna were waiting for me. I went through the
entire story again with them, and, after taking my lecture from Sarah, left
feeling even more encouraged. They were both proud of me for finally coming
clean with everything to Reed, even if it was on his voicemail.

I checked my phone every 15
seconds it seemed during my walk home, feeling phantom vibrations and believing
each one was a call or text from Reed. It wasn’t, but I knew he had only gotten
off from practice an hour or so ago. I was actually in a place where I was
looking forward to my night of laundry and some much overdue lit
reading—thinking my mind would actually let me focus for the next hour or
two—when I saw Gavin leaning against my door, looking down at his phone
while I approached. Seeing him just zapped me of all energy.

“Gavin, what are you doing
here,” I said, probably a little harsher than I needed to, but I didn’t want to
send any mixed signals.

He looked up and moved over
while I pulled out my keys. He shoved his phone back in his pocket, shrugging a
little, “I’m not stalking you…I promise,” he said wryly, smirking at me a
little.

“I know, I’m sorry. It’s just…I
think we, you and I, probably need a little space. I’m trying to work through
some things…” I wasn’t making much sense, and his presence just had me
flustered.

“I get it,” he said, not making
me go on any more than I had to. “I just wanted to make sure we were
okay…apologize. Do you have a few minutes? Just to talk,” he raised his
shoulders a bit when he spoke, trying to prove his innocent intentions.

I just laid my forehead on my
door as I pushed my key in the lock and turned it. Letting out a deep sigh, I
twisted my face to look at him, his puppy dog eyes begging me. “Sure, but only
for a few minutes. I have a lot to do, and I haven’t really been able to focus
lately,” I admitted.

Gavin followed me into my room
and pushed the door closed behind him, but not completely, I think not wanting
me to feel threatened. I appreciated that. He was twisting his hands together
in front of him, a little uncomfortably while he paced around, deciding where
he should sit. He finally sat at my desk chair, leaning forward and putting his
elbows on his knees. I pulled my things from my pocket and went to work
grabbing my laundry and cleaning supplies.

“Look, Nolan. I’m not going to
lie. I like you. I like you more than I should. And I know it’s a problem, it
creates problems…but I think there’s a part of you that likes me, too.
Maybe…just a little,” he was making things worse, mostly because I did like
him…but not like he liked me. And I didn’t want to lose that thing we had,
whatever it was, before I went and kissed him and made it all complicated. But
I also knew I didn’t want to lose Reed. And that was more important than
anything.

I stopped stuffing towels and
T-shirts in my laundry bin and sat on my bed, across from him. I blew the hairs
out of my face, and then rubbed it with my hands, thinking, searching for the
right words to say. There weren’t any, so I just started talking.

“I do like you, Gavin…but…” I
held up my hand to stop his smile from growing. “I’m
in love
with Reed.
What I feel for you is a close
friendship
, and I know it’s not what you
want to hear, but it’s all I have to give to you. I never should have let it
get as far as it did that night. And I’m so sorry that it gave you the wrong
idea. But I can’t be with you. I can’t give up what I have, because it means
the world to me—and it’s killing me right now, knowing how badly I hurt
Reed.”

I stood up to walk over to Gavin
a little, his head was hanging down, and his brow was bunched. I knew he didn’t
expect me to leap into his arms, but I also think he thought he could chip away
at me a little today, make me doubt my heart. “I’m sorry, Gavin,” I said right
in front of him.

Tilting his head up a little, he
just bit the tip of his tongue and nodded, chuckling quietly, mostly
embarrassed, I could tell. I wanted to make it better. “I really am flattered, though.
You have to know, most of the girls in this building would smack me right now
at turning you down. You’re kind of the resident
hottie
you know,” I
smiled, joking, but also being honest. Most of the freshmen in our dorm were in
love with Gavin, always showing up at his door to ask for help with ridiculous
things, just so they could talk to him.

Unable to stand the tension in
the room any longer, I turned back to my laundry pile to look like I was ready
to leave. Getting my hint, Gavin stood, a little less confident looking than
when I let him in a few moments earlier. “Well, I guess, thanks for being
honest,” he half smiled. “Brutally honest…”

“I’m sorry. I really didn’t mean
to be
brutal,
” I said, following him to my door.

“I’m kidding. You weren’t. I
just really hoped for a different response,” he said, opening the door a little
and backing out. “I just haven’t met anyone quite like you…not since Maya.
You’re really smart and beautiful…”

He stopped at his words and
lingered on my face for a few seconds. I was feeling the heat from his stare,
and it was making me uncomfortable, and forcing me to look down. I held on to
the side of the door to keep myself grounded, ready to close it if I needed to.
I flinched a bit when he reached up to sweep a few strands of hair from my
face, but then shut my eyes when he tucked them behind my ear. When I opened
them again, he was looking at me,
really
looking at me. And I knew by
that look, that we couldn’t be friends. For him, that would never be enough.

“Thanks, that was really nice of
you to say,” I said, smiling and genuine, because it was. But I had nothing to
give back. Unsure of what to do, I just reached up to hug him a little. “Thank
you for understanding,” I whispered.

Gavin hugged back, a full hug
with everything that came with it. I felt every single fingertip slide behind
me and squeeze. And as we pulled apart, I felt his lips graze the side of my
cheek, and then he hovered by my ear for just a brief second. “I had to try,”
he said, grinning as he backed fully away, and then turned to go upstairs.

I closed the door as soon as he
was gone and leaned back on it, pushing the hairs from my now flushed face.
What the hell? I’m not the girl that has boys fighting for her. This was awful.
I pulled my lit book from my shelf and plopped on my bed, opening up to the
beatnik section. Laundry could wait; I just wasn’t feeling it any more.