Going Long (13 page)

Reed

It was like the worst fucking
nightmare, and it just wouldn’t end.

I left practice and headed
straight for Nolan’s campus. I didn’t have my phone or my wallet, and I was
pretty sure I was going to have to stop back at my dad’s house to get cash for
gas. I just had to
get
there. The more I thought about her and what
happened, the more I wanted to give her the chance to explain it away. I was so
pissed at myself for almost getting carried away with some one-night-stand the
night before, how could I blame Nolan for the same damn thing?

But that all flew right out the
window the minute I got to her floor and saw that asshole with his hands all
over her. He was leaving her room, and I watched him kiss her face and whisper
something in her ear. The way she reacted to it, flushed and heated, was enough
to send me over the fucking edge.

He backed away as she closed the
door, and when he turned around, and stuffed his hands in his pockets with the
huge-ass smile on his face, I just wanted to vomit. He knew I was there; he
didn’t even look up when he got to the stairwell door. “What are you doing
here, Reed? She doesn’t want to see you,” he said, not even man enough to make
eye contact with me.

“Who are you to tell me what she
wants,” I bit back, bracing myself for a fight.

Gavin walked back into the
stairwell, just smirking, and I followed him in. He stopped after only a few
steps and turned back to look down at me, leaning on the handrail in a way that
just oozed of condescension. “I’m the guy that’s here, that’s who. Who are you?
The guy that shows up every few days, and keeps her locked up in a fucking box
so she can’t really live?” He was attacking me with his words, and I could feel
my pulse kick up in defense.

“She’s my girlfriend, bro. You
need to back the fuck off,” I said, stepping up one level to meet his gaze and
challenge him. But he stepped down to meet me, our chests inches apart while we
stared each other down.

“I’m not going anywhere. I’m the
one that was here for her last night, when you just left, and she wants me
here,” he had a hint of something on his face, not quite a smirk, but it was
superior, and it was making me question things.

“What…do you mean…you were the
one that was here for her last night,” I said, my teeth pushing into my bottom
lip, as I stared at him and my heart thumped through my entire body.

He just chuckled a little and
looked down, shaking his head a bit, like I was some fucking joke, an
embarrassment to myself. I was being a fool.

“I don’t need to tell you what I
mean…
bro
…you know exactly what I mean,” he finished then slowly started
backing up the steps, keeping his eyes on mine, while I stood there as the
earth crumbled beneath me. My body was shaking, and I was struggling to get a
full breath. I wanted to charge after him and slam his body into the wall, but
his words, his confession, had me paralyzed. I watched him turn slowly as he
reached the landing to the next floor. Then, just before he reached his door to
open it, he leaned over the rail and gave me one final knockout punch.

“Time to move on, man. She has.”
His words followed by the smack of his door shutting.

I just stood there, wide-eyed,
in the stairwell for the next several minutes. This was the second time in two
days I was living this nightmare. It was like
Groundhog Day
, and I was
Bill Murray. I looked back at the door to Nolan’s floor and thought about
busting into her room and questioning her, but I didn’t really want to hear any
more excuses. I kept replaying her face when she confessed that she had kissed
him back, and the thought of her admitting to
much more
just killed me.
Had she been unhappy for a while? Did she want to break up weeks ago? Months
ago?

My feet somehow had carried me
back to my Jeep, and I sorted through my thoughts all the way to my dad’s
house. Truth was, Nolan had been unhappy, almost from the beginning of our
semester. It always felt like she was pulling away, but she still seemed so
happy to see me. And she made the effort, too. Drove to Tucson to see me, came
to my games. But I wasn’t around…and when I wasn’t, and Nolan was alone, I
really didn’t know what was happening. The thoughts were making me sick.

I was close to empty when I
pulled into the driveway. My dad and Rosie were sitting at the breakfast bar
eating pasta when I came in. The house smelled like a home, a smell I could get
used to. That’s how Nolan’s house always smelled.
Since Rosie had been
staying to care for my dad, meals were becoming a common occurrence. Not just
the usual frozen ones either, but slow-cooked, all-day-prepared meals.
 

“Reed, what are you doing here,
son?” Pops said, sliding out a stool with one of his crutches to make room for
me. “Come on, plenty to eat. Rose made a real good dinner tonight.”

A little deflated, I slumped
over to my dad and took a seat while Rosie got up and fixed me a plate. She put
the pasta in front of me and kissed my head while she squeezed my shoulders a
little. “Always good to see you, mijo,” she said, sitting back down to finish
her dinner.

“You staying the night, Kid? Or
what,” my dad asked, not even looking up from his plate; he was so engrossed in
his meal. I sort of worried that my dad was going to eat himself into another
heart attack with all of the food he’d been eating while he was laid up with
his leg. But, I also knew Rosie, and she found a way to make the most amazing
things out of low-cholesterol ingredients. She wasn’t above tricking my father
into being healthy.

Swirling the spaghetti strands
around my fork and spoon, I just nodded. “Yeah, I think so. That okay?” I
asked.

“Sure is; Jason’s out until
tomorrow. It’ll be nice to just be me and you again,” he said, but then Rosie
cleared her throat a little to remind him she was here. “Oh, and Rose of
course.” He looked up and smiled at her, and I thought for just a second that
maybe I caught a hint of something else. But I let that go, and instead went
back to thinking about my own broken relationship.

-------------------------

I thought about calling Nolan
the morning after I spent the night at my dad’s house. I thought about it again
that night, and then again every night for the next two weeks. But every time I
got my phone out and started to punch in her contact, I stopped and realized
she wasn’t calling me either. Then I thought about that prick Gavin, and the
words he spoke. “She’s moved on.”
Maybe, she has?

My birthday came and went. I
made an excuse with Pops when he had a big dinner planned, told him Nolan had
some internship thing at a special needs camp. He bought it, which was amazing,
because I was shit at lying. I couldn’t seem to get myself to make it real. We
weren’t talking—hadn’t talked for almost three weeks. But for some
reason, I felt like if my dad still thought everything was fine, then maybe
we’d find our way back, and no one would ever need to know.

I suppose part of it was pride,
too. I felt betrayed, yes, but I also felt oddly ashamed. It felt like everyone
knew my girlfriend had left me for some tattooed nobody, like they just stared
at me, and pitied me. I knew I was just being crazy, but my head was doing a
lot of crazy things lately.

Somehow, though, I managed to
keep the football side of my head on straight. My numbers were ridiculous, and
stories were starting to swirl on ESPN and in the papers about what I might do
next season. Dylan and I talked frequently, even more so now that she was
seeing my brother. She told me all of the press was common for a quarterback my
age, in a draft year like this, so I just kept my mind on that—focused on
the prize. Where going to the NFL was a future dream before, it was an
out-clause now, a way to start over, and become a third version of Reed
Johnson—not the shithead teenager or naïve college guy I had been, but my
own man—free to date any woman I wanted, whenever I wanted, and however
long I wanted.
Maybe
I’d try that for a while
.

Nolan

It was almost Thanksgiving
break, and I hadn’t heard from Reed in more than a month. I checked my
voicemail like a paranoid drug dealer almost hourly. But there was never
anything. I was a shell of myself, as if each night that passed, and I didn’t
hear from Reed was one more night that a piece of me died. I wasn’t eating, and
I had skipped a lot of my classes, too. I was actually carrying two Cs, which I
knew was going to screw me as far as my scholarships were concerned, but I
couldn’t seem to get myself to care.

Sienna had taken it upon herself
to make sure I was up and out of bed every morning, knocking on my door before
my first class, and waiting me out until she had proof that I was showered and
dressed. But I often just undressed as soon as she left, or just bailed in the
middle of my morning lecture, blending in with the crowd of slackers that sat
in the back rows. I completely missed two midterms and blew off another writing
assignment as well, which was what was hurting my grades mostly.

While Sienna was on academic
duty, it seemed Sarah had agreed to be on social duty, coming over every
Thursday and Friday night, and forcing me to dress up and leave the comfort of
my dark and depressing dorm room to go out dancing. I always went, but I
usually just sat at some table and drank while she danced with guys who hit on
her at the bar.

Gavin still stopped by to check
on me regularly, too, always reminding me that I
had options
. But the
more he reminded me, the more I was repulsed by him. I didn’t even think he was
genuine any more, especially since I’d seen him at the bar one night with Sarah
and watched how he danced with a few of the other girls. I was just a challenge
to him, and he had ruined me in his quest.

I had told Reed everything, and
he was completely shutting me out. I think what hurt the most was the constant
stream of questions running through my mind that I just didn’t know the answers
to: Was Reed mad I didn’t tell him about being pregnant? Was he upset about
losing the baby? Was he relieved that he didn’t have to be a father now? Was he
dating someone else…or
lots
of someones? 

To make matters worse, when I
was able to fall asleep, I usually awoke a few hours later with my heart racing
from a nightmare. They weren’t always about Reed, but the ones that were made
me cry. I had started to relive the accident, it seemed. Only, in my dreams,
Reed never made it out of the Jeep. Sometimes it would explode, other times I
would see him in the driver’s seat with the steering wheel cutting through him,
his face white, and his lips gasping for breath.

I shared my dreams with Sienna,
and she had suggested I make an appointment to talk with one of the school
counselors, but the thought of opening up about everything I’d been through to
a stranger just terrified me. And there were people out there who had
real
problems,
I thought, problems far bigger than mine. No, the counselors were for those
people who were dealing with things like a death in the family, a psychological
break or meltdown of some sort. Not girls who got knocked up, and then cheated
on their boyfriend.

I hadn’t heard from Sean or
Becky in a while, so when they called me the weekend before the break, I was a
little surprised.

“Hey, Noles,” Sean was chipper.
It was strange, especially since I had convinced myself that he hated me by
this point.

“Hey…uhm, how are you?” I asked
with hesitation. I had been hiding out in my dark room for so long, I no longer
knew how to interact with people, and my conversation felt stilted and awkward.

“We’re good, we’re good,” Sean
laughed a little. “We’re leaving a bit early to come home for break—on
the road right now. Becks is driving…hey, don’t kill us, okay? Eyes on the
road, you can talk to her later…Sorry, she misses you and wants to talk.”

Hearing Becky’s laugh and Sean’s
voice was comforting. “That’s so exciting. I can’t get out of here until
Tuesday; have to finish some work at the writing center. But maybe when I get
into town, we can meet up for burgers or something at MicNic’s?” I asked, my
mind imagining everyone piling into Reed’s Jeep, just like we used
to—instantly making me sad as I realized the low probability of that
happening.

“That’d be awesome…” he was
waiting to say something more, I could tell. “So…are you going to the game
Thursday?”

Reed’s game—against us:
UofA and ASU squared off every Thanksgiving break. I wanted to be there
desperately, especially knowing that it might be Reed’s last. But I wasn’t sure
I was welcome.

“Uh…I don’t know Sean,” I
started, but he cut me off.

“Noles, you have to go. You know
he wants you there. Besides, Buck will insist on it,” he was acting as if
nothing was wrong.

“Sean, you don’t know that.
We…Reed and I…we haven’t talked. Not in a long time. I think he’s moved on,” I
admitted it out loud, and it made me choke a little. 

“Yeah, I’ve heard you both say
that same shit. I’m not buying it. Look, it’s clear you two have some issues to
work out…” he paused, thinking of how to say his next sentence. I appreciated
that he was dancing around my miscarriage. “But look, you have to start
somewhere. I think Thanksgiving will be good for you.”

I soaked in his words. I
couldn’t see how me sitting in a football stadium—where Reed might not
even know I was there—would be good for us, but I was a little comforted
knowing that I could go without his even knowing, just hiding, blending in, and
taking in his last rival college game for my own satisfaction.

“Noles? Are you there,” Sean
asked.

“Oh, yeah…was just thinking.
So…okay, yeah. I guess I’ll go to the game. Maybe I can go with you guys?” I
asked, hoping.

“Of course! We’ll see you at
Buck’s for Thanksgiving anyway,” he said, matter-of-factly.

“Uhm…what?” now I was confused.

“Yeah, so…Buck invited your
parents, and since you and Reed both like to pretend nothing’s wrong, everyone
thinks you’re together and lovey dovey, so we’re all having turkey at the
Johnsons. Happy Thanksgiving! See you there!” Sean hung up as soon as he was
done.

Fuck! How was I going to get
through this? I started to fast forward to the day, envisioning Reed staring
daggers through me, and then me breaking down in tears in front of everyone,
him telling my parents how I kissed someone else…or worse, that I had been
pregnant
!

I let my head buzz with
possibilities, ways I could get out of going, all the way to the writing center
for a special Saturday session. My tutoring seemed to be the only thing that
still held joy for me, so I went religiously—often spending more time
working on the poems and essays that the kids were writing than my own projects
and homework.

There was one girl, Kira, who
reminded me so much of myself, and I found that I spent a lot of my time
working with her. Kira had been struggling to come up with a topic for the
winter showcase. She suffered from Tourette’s syndrome, her muscle spasms
almost constant, and her stutter a continuous wall in her way. She was one of
my older students, almost 18. She was a beautiful girl, but so trapped because
of her disability. And for some reason—probably more than any of my other
students—I wanted to help her find words that would chip away at her
cage. I knew they wouldn’t completely break her free, but I thought if we could
just come up with something together, that she could recite in front of a crowd…despite
the pauses and stutters that would undoubtedly work against her, she might find
a reason to keep trying.

But I wasn’t much help to Kira
today. We read through sonnets together, and she practiced saying lines,
sometimes actually getting one or two out before her body and brain betrayed
her. And I was proud. But when we sat down to work on her topic, I wasn’t my
usual glass-half-full self, spouting off options and ideas. Instead, I just sat
there and tapped my pencil on my pad of paper, staring at the lines until they
bled together.

When our hour was done, I just
shrugged at Kira, who still smiled and hugged me despite my lack of enthusiasm
for the day.

“Sorry, I don’t think I was very
creative today,” I said.

She smiled to let me know it was
okay. Kira didn’t speak when she could find a way around it, and that’s what
made me sad the most. Because I’d read some of the things she’d written…and her
words were beautiful.

Sarah called while I was walking
back to my dorm. It was the afternoon now, so she was on Nolan duty.

“Hey, I’m outside. You should be
proud of me,” I was monotone and defensive out of habit. She was starting to
harass me lately about my hair, and general look, calling me a vampire and
recluse, which I suppose was not so far from the truth.

“Wow, she breathes! To what does
the world owe this honor of your presence in the outdoors and sunlight,” she
sniped.

I laughed a bit, short and
breathy. “Very funny. I had a special tutoring session,” I said.

“Ah, gotcha. Thank god you have
those, otherwise we might not ever get you out of that damn room of yours,”
Sarah said. She had quit being nice a few days ago. “Well, shower up when you
get home. We’re going out shopping today. Sienna’s here, and we’re making it a
girls’ day…” She had that tone, the superior one.
     

“Sar…I’m not feeling it. Can’t
we just check out Netflix and crash on the sofa or something?” I was going to
lose my battle, I knew.

“Yeah, uh…no. We’re going
shopping. And then we’re going to come back to my place, pretty your ass up,
and go out to this new sushi place…” I tried to interject, but she just
barreled right through my words. “Ah, ah…stop talking. And then…we are going to
a club. And you are going to dance—with other guys, who are not Reed. Or
Gavin. Or anything like either of them. And we are going to drink shots, off of
guys. Well, Sienna says she’s not, but we’ll see…owwww! Don’t hit me! Sorry,
Sienna just punched my arm. Anyhow, get your ass over here before we have to
come get you. You’ve got 15 minutes.”

Deflated, I slumped my shoulders
and walked the rest of the way to my dorm room. I didn’t bother to change into
anything spectacular after I showered, because I knew Sarah would just make me
change again anyhow, so I pulled on my sweatpants and giant long-sleeved T-shirt
that had somehow become my uniform lately and threw some make up and hair stuff
in a bag. I was locking up and forcing myself to keep moving forward when I ran
into Gavin at the stairs. He looked a little surprised to see me out during the
day.

“Wow, haven’t seen you out in a
while,” he was sort of mocking me now.

“Thanks for the reminder,” I
wasn’t in the mood for him.

“Sorry…that was mean. I’m…just
sorry,” he looked down at his feet. “So, you’ve missed a few psych classes. We
had a quiz this week.”

I just looked at him, like he
was transparent. I was on my way to failing. I felt so far behind that I just
couldn’t see how I’d ever be able to catch up. I’d gotten an email from two of
my professors this week alerting me that I was in grade trouble. They
encouraged me to see them. But I knew I wouldn’t. I was pretty sure I could
pull out at least a C, but I’d probably have to take both of the classes again.
And even then, I was going to be on scholarship probation. My parents were
going to be livid.

“Nolan, I can help you catch up.
I can share my notes with you on what you’ve missed. We got an A on the testing
project. You aren’t
that
far behind,” he leaned into me a little, trying
to shock me into a response. Instead, I just recoiled a bit from his touch.
This boy, who seemed so smart and handsome a month ago, just felt like the
enemy to me now. I hated him.

“Thanks, but I’ll be okay,” I
said, moving by him to continue down the stairs. Before I could get far,
though, he had his hand on my shoulder and was stopping me.

“Noles, please don’t go. I
feel…I feel like you’re mad at me. I promise, I heard what you said. I get it.
I know that we’re friends. I can’t lie and say I won’t stop wanting more. But
I’ll try to quit asking for it. Just don’t shut me out, okay?” he was pleading
with me in his eyes. And I didn’t like that he’d called me Noles. That wasn’t
his name to say. Rather than make a scene, or draw this conversation out any
longer, though, I just smiled instead.

“I’m not mad at you. I just have
a lot of things I’m working through. I appreciate the space,” I said, looking
him square in the eyes to hope he truly did understand. But I still saw the
hope in his face. No matter what, I wouldn’t be running to him.

I thought I was going to be able
to escape finally when I made one tiny tactical error. Gavin was about to turn
and climb up the rest of the stairs, when he stopped and asked if I was heading
out for the evening or spending the night with the girls. I shared too much in
return.

“Sarah’s dragging me out to the
bar, some club with some hot new DJ. I think it’s called 22?” The words rolled
out of my mouth. When Gavin perked up with this new knowledge, I instantly
regretted sharing it. I turned to leave him there, but not before he could say
goodbye, for now.