Going Nowhere (4 page)

I just assumed that life would be waiting for me after I graduated. I started to really hate going to my retail job everyday because everyone asked me the same
question. Now what? Now that you graduated what are you going to do? When are you leaving? You have a degree, there’s no way you’re going to stay in retail right? I wasn’t making enough money to live on my own anymore after all my roommates left and then I realized that I had no other option but to come home until I could get my shit together.

But I don’t have my shit together, Bartender. I don’t even know how to go about getting my shit together.” I slapped the steering wheel, feeling the well of anger and frustration start to overwhelm me again. “And for some goddamn reason I have this inability to stop blurting out things to you. You have a freaking talent. No wonder you’re a bartender.” I try to laugh off my mortification.

I’ve known this guy for two days and I keep making an ass out of myself. Calloused fingers touched my face and I turned towards him as he wiped away a tear rolling down my face. He’s looking at me with these soft understanding eyes and it’s beginning to piss me off because I don’t deserve it. Flushing in embarrassment, I turn my attention back to the road.

“Bet you’re glad I told you all of that. I don’t even make sense.”

“Marisol-“ He begins and then stops. “Mari, I don’t know what to say.”

“You don’t have to say anything. I’m just whining. Ignore me.”

“No, I get it, I do.” He says quickly.

“Oh really? Is this where we bond, Jason, over the bitter disappointment of our lives?” I say sarcastically.

“Don’t do that. Just because it’s not something tragic doesn’t mean you’re not entitled to what you’re feeling. You’re not alone, Mari.”

“Please spare me the whole ‘everyone feels this way after graduating’ speech. I’ve heard it before and it’s getting tired.” I spit out.

“Will you please stop putting words in my mouth?” He snaps at me.

“Sorry.” I mumble
.

“Listen, I get it. I do. Do you honestly think my life’s aspiration is to be a bartender?” He asks bitterly.

“Well-“

“It’s not.”

“Ok-“

“I want to be a musician. I want to write and play my music and right now, being a bartender allows me to do that.”

“You want to be a musician?” Don’t know why I am surprised by this, he has a musicians hands, long fingered and callused at the tips.

“Well yeah, I play guitar and write music and I want to be on the cover of Rolling Stone.” He says flippantly.

“Oh is that all?” I joke and he laughs at me.

“What do you like to do, Mari?”

Thinking for a minute, I continue. “I don’t know, nothing I can make a career out of.”

“Not what I asked you. My question was what do you like to do?”

“Jason, come on.” I whine, uncomfortable with this line of conversation.

“Answer the question, Mari.”

“Fine, fine.” I think about what Carrie said and finally admit it. “Writing.”

“Books?”

“Yeah, books. Or articles, poems, songs, impressions, anything really. I feel like I can communicate clearly when I write.  I love the way words can tear you apart and put you back together. They fill me up. It’s the same way for music too. They’re stories set to a soundtrack. I’ve always connected to everything through words.”

“So writing.”

“So music.” I mimic.

“Why don’t you write?”

“I do!”

“No, I mean as a career. Make a profession out of it. Come on, Mari, blog about it.” He jokes.

I laugh, “Yeah, that’s so easy, why don’t I write? Hmm I don’t know, what would I write about?”

“Whatever you wanted. It’s whatever
you
want Marisol. Do what you love, life’s too short for anything else.”

I think
for a moment at what he said. If only it was so simple.

“I wouldn’t even know how to go about it.”

“Open a word doc or a notebook and write Marisol. Stop making excuses of why you shouldn’t and look at the reasons why you should. Do what makes you happy. Tattoo it on your forehead if you have to.”

“Writing.” I pause as the idea starts to take hold in my head. “Me. Write professionally.”

“Marisol Finnegan, writer.”

“Jason Scott, musician.”

He holds his hand out, palm up and waits until I put mine in his and then he shakes it. “Nice to meet you.”

I stare at him while my mind turns over everything he just said. He grins at me and winks.

“Eyes on the road, Finnegan, you’re going to miss our exit.”

The rest of the ride went really well. Jason and I have a lot in common and it was really easy to talk to him. And God he was hot.

Pump the breaks on that train of thought, Mari. Not the time. We were heading down US 1 along the water heading towards his friends house.

“Marisol!” Jason yells loudly.

I jolted, “What?” I asked, coming to a stop at a light.

“Turn right up here. Sorry I’ve been calling your name, but you were in the clouds.” He said, pointing to a sand
y road coming up on the right.

I blinked at him, “Sorry.” He’s so pretty.  His hair was mussed by the wind and I couldn’t help but notice how big he was. He took up a lot of space in my tiny car. My gaze ran along his body and took in the sight of those long fingers resting against his muscular thigh. My breathing kicked up a notch. Jason cleared his throat and my eyes wandered to his mouth. He licked his lips. Was it natural for men to have such lush mouths? I wonder how they would feel against-No, Mari, bad girl! The light turned green and I focused my eyes and mind back on the road.

“Don’t make me regret putting my life in your hands, Crazy.” He says.

“Your life, right.” I paused for a second. “And I object to that nickname.”

“Oh really?”

“Yes, I’m not crazy.”

“Mari, you don’t need to tell me what you are, I think I’m getting a pretty good idea. Besides you’ve nicknamed me Bartender. Only fair.” The side of his mouth kicked up, then he glanced out the window. “Third house on the left, the green one.” He pointed.

I pulled into the gravel driveway that led up to what could have been a cute little bungalow, but instead had a couch out in the front yard that screamed, “I’m a single dude!”

“This is it! Thanks, Crazy.” He smiled at me as he popped his door open.

“Yeah, it was, uh, nice. And don’t call me crazy, Bartender!” I yelled as he shut the door. He leaned down to grab his stuff out of the back seat through the window. “Careful, careful!” I groaned as he yanked the bag through the window. He just laughed and then walked around to my side and leaned in close through the window, so close I smell his minty breath. Sneaky seducer. I leaned back to put some distance between us. “What?” I asked and he grinned again.

“What are you doing tonight?” He asked.

“No clue.” I responded, anxious to put some distance between us. Run, girl run.

“Well text me where you’re going to be and maybe we can meet up?”

“Sure, I’ll do that.” I nodded and slipped my sunglasses back on. “See ya, Bartender!”

He stood back, “Thanks for the ride. If I don’t see you tonight, I’ll call you Sunday.”

“’Kay!” I shouted as I pulled out of the driveway and headed towards Old Town, St. Augustine.

I pull up to Kayla’s little apartment by the school and grab my bag. I hurry up the stairs and knock on her door. Before I can even finish knocking the door flings open and Kayla squeals as she grabs me in a hug.

“Pinky! I missed you!” She yells in my ear as she squeezes the life out of me.

“I missed you too!” She releases me from her death grip and drags me inside. I look around. “Where’s my man?”

“
Over here, lover.” Johnny comes out of the bathroom in all his preppy glory. He and my sister look like Barbie and Ken with their blonde hair and blue eyes, but they had so much personality you couldn’t really hold a grudge against their perfection. He walks over to me and grabs me in a hug. “So what do you want to do today?”

“I just want to hang out with you guys and catch up, but tonight I was thinking of going out? Maybe something low key. Any live music going on?”

“Actually yeah, some of my friends are meeting up at a bar later tonight for a show.”

“Sounds perfect.” I grab my bag off the floor. “Where do you want me, guys?”

Kayla comes over, takes my bag and leads me to a small guest room on the other side of the apartment. I recognize some of our old furniture from growing up and my old bed spread from high school.

“Am I moving in?” I laugh.

“Mom and Dad gave it to me since you got all new stuff for college. Is it weird?”

“No, not at all. It’s like coming home.” I say as she plops my bag on the bed and sits next to it.

“Sooo Marisol.” She drawls.

“Sooo Kayla.” I mimic
.

“Did you call her?”

“Jason’s sister?” I knew exactly whom she meant; I just like to make her work for it.

“Duh.” She says.

I roll my eyes, “Yes, I did. I’m meeting up with her on Monday to talk.”

“Good!”

“Oh yeah, thank god I got that degree in Nannying!” I pump my fist in the air and then cross my arms over my chest.

“Uh no, this weekend I am the bitter and complaining police. It is illegal to do either of those. Also moping. Not allowed. You will relax and have a good freaking time or there will be consequences.” She warns me.

“Yeah, yeah, yeah.”

She hops off the bed, “Come on, let’s make
Johnny pay for lunch.”

“Deal.”

We spent most of the day walking around Old Town and catching up.
Johnny finished his dissertation for his doctorate in history education. He wants to be a private school teacher since the pays better and most of those require higher degrees. We both love history so in other words, there was a lot of shoptalk. Kayla was assisting this tyrant of a professor with an excavation project. She wants her doctorate in marine archaeology. Both of them were basically geniuses, but I indulged them in their dorky glory moments throughout the day.

I loved seeing them happy. They’d been together for going on five years and were planning to
get married in a couple months. They were, thankfully, past the honeymoon phase which consisted of them being conjoined at the lips, but even so they still found little ways to touch each other throughout the day. It was sweet.

As much as I was a relationship-phobe I hoped that
one day, when I did meet someone, I had something like they did. Jason popped in my head but I quickly pushed it out. Yeah, he flirted, but it was friendlier flirting rather than “I want to bone” flirting. I couldn’t see him actually being interested in me like that.

“What are you thinking about?” Kayla asks.

I look up from my position on Kayla’s bed, over to the closet where she was currently doing a good job of throwing everything on the floor in an attempt to find something to where for tonight.

I on the other hand was all dressed
and ready to go. The cute, blue baby doll dress with black ballet flats was simple and feminine. My hair was parted down the middle and done in a fishtail style braid that hung over my shoulder. Keeping my make-up simple, there was only mascara, a little eye shadow, and some lip-gloss. I was ready in about twenty minutes. Unlike this one, I thought, rolling my eyes at her.

“Nothing.” I replied.

“Marisol…” She drawled while still digging in her closet.

“How can you even tell I’m thinking something when the only part of you that’s looking at me is your Superman clad ass?”

“Hey! Do not make fun of my Superman underpants. They make me feel powerful when I go out.” She said shaking her ass at me.

“And you don’t have to worry about sexy underwear anymore since you snagged your man.”

“Well, yeah, but Johnny loves my underwear.”

“Mm hmm.”

“Stop changing the subject, Oh Great Avoider of All Things.”

“Ugh fine, only because I know you’ll harp on this until I’m pissed off and cave.”
I cross my legs and jiggle my foot in agitation. I really did not want to talk about this.

“This is true.” She agreed.

I took a deep breath and said, “I was just thinking that when I am ready for a relationship, I want something like what you and Johnny have.” I mumbled the end because I felt embarrassed.

I don’t share stuff like this and wasn’t big on sentimentality, but apparently that’s changed. Kayla knew this, which is why she turned to me on the floor and scooted in my direction basically sitting on my foot. As if to hold me into place so I wouldn’t bolt.

“Oh Mari…”She said softly
, staring at me with soft eyes. This is why I keep my mouth shut.

“Please, just get ready, it’s already almost ten.” I said, trying desperately to change the subject.

“Why do you think you’re not ready for a relationship?” She said as she got back to her mission to destroy her closet. “Ah ha!” She yelled as she grabbed a yellow short sleeve dress and held it up for me. It was really cute, I gave her thumbs up for approval. Always was a sucker for dress with pockets. It’s a nice yellow too- “Earth to Mari!” She sang, snapping her fingers to regain my attention. I hesitated for a moment while she pulled the dress over her head.

“I don’t really know. I’ve kind of been so focused on school and work that
before I knew it, poof! I was twenty-four and have never had something meaningful. I mean, sure, I’ve hooked up with some guys at bars. Nothing serious. I just would have no idea how to do this whole dating thing. It’s intimidating. And…well you know…”

“Know what?” Kayla asked, moving towards the bathroom to finish getting ready.

“Well, I’m still rockin’ my V card. I don’t want to get hurt, I’ve seen plenty of my friends throw it away on some guy, then regret it.” I said squirming, my face flushing with heat.

“Marisol, I won’t lie to you. You will get hurt. It’s gonna happen and it’s unavoidable, but if there is one thing I’ve learned it’s that I wouldn’t take back any of the hurt because when I met
Johnny, it made all the happiness that much greater.” She paused for a second and then she turned around, mouth hanging open. “Wait a freaking second! You’re still a virgin?”

“God, yes,
ok? Let’s drop it.” I dropped my face in my hands and groaned.

“How d
id that happen?” She said, shocked.

“Did you not just hear what I said? I never got that far, focused on school, afraid to be hurt, yadda, yadda, yadda.”
I said, waving my hand in the air.

“Oh Marisol. You have to put yourself out there. You’re such a great person and a hot
little person.” She turned around and continued digging in her black hole of a closet. I didn’t take the bait on the little comment, 5’3” was not that vertically challenged.

“I’ll take your word on that. Right now though, I just want to keep it simple.”

“Like with this Jason guy?” She asked, looking away from the mirror. I rolled my eyes; she’s so damn perceptive it’s annoying.

“Yes, with this Jason guy. I’m in a weird place. I don’t want to complicate figuring me out with navigating the horrors of dating.”

“It is not as bad as you’re making it out to be.”

“Again, taking your word for it.”

“But Jason could be-“

“Seriously, Kayla, I know you mean well, but please drop it. I just wanted to have fun this weekend.”

“Fine, fine! We will. Go out and make sure Johnny isn’t asleep on the couch. I’ll be out in five.”

I shrugged and hopped off her bed and walked out to their living room. Sure enough,
Johnny was nodding off on the couch. I jumped on the side that wasn’t occupied by his lean body and bounced, jostling him awake.

“Wakey, wakey,
Johnny boy! Time to get our party on!” I yelled. He jerked awake with a growl and tried to knock me off the couch with his feet.

“Hey, dude! Don’t blame me, blame your better half!” I
laughed toppling to the floor. Johnny sat up and stared down at me smiling.

“When are we going,
Pinkster?” I rolled my eyes at his version of Kayla’s nickname for me.

“No idea. Your girlfriend’s running this show.”

“That’s right!” Kayla said, walking over to haul me off the floor. “Let’s go!” She marched to the door and held it open looking at us expectantly. “Chop, chop! We’re not getting any younger!” And then marched her perky ass out the door.

I looked over at
Johnny who just smiled and followed his girlfriend out the door. I looked briefly up at the ceiling, asking for patience, and followed them out the door; it locked automatically, taking away any chance of backing out.