Going Under (19 page)

Her voice broke and he felt it, the trembling of those walls she had up. Wondered,
not for the first time, just how much she had ferreted away. And what might happen
when they fell away.

“Goddamn it. Just let go. It’s killing you. All this stuff you push down inside. It
has nowhere to go. One of these days—”

She pounded the seat with a closed fist, her face in a tight expression. “Stop. Just
stop. I can’t. Not right now.”

“So when then? Huh?”

“What is it with you? Do you want me to have a breakdown? Would that make you feel
better? Why does it matter?”

“Because
you
matter, Molly.” He hadn’t meant to say it out loud, but now that he had, he felt better.
“Do you think I can’t see how hard you work to keep it all together?”

“Then why are you trying to make me lose it?”

He pulled off the road, into a small parking lot. Once he’d turned the engine off
he turned to face her. “I’m not trying to make you lose it.” He brushed hair away
from her face. “I’m telling you it’s safe to let it go with me.”

“I keep telling you I can’t do this and you keep pushing.”

“Because you’re about to crack and break apart. Baby, I want to catch you if you fall.
I’m afraid it’s going to happen when I’m not there or when it’s a bad time.” He cupped
her cheek and she leaned into him, closing her eyes. So much tenderness flooded him
his eyes swam.

“When is it a good time to lose your shit?”

“When I’m here with you.” He leaned in and brushed his lips against her temple. “You
have a lot of burdens to carry. All this grief. Not just yours, but everyone else’s.
I can see how it weighs on you. Every time something happens you take it personally.
You own it and want to fix it. But you have enough of your own grief inside. At some
point, where do you put it all?”

“I can’t take it when you’re nice to me.” She started to cry.

He tried not to laugh, he was so alarmed for her, but she always made him smile, even
when she was being stubborn or was on his nerves.

“Do you want me to be mean?”

“If I’m mad I’m not choking on my grief.”

He pulled her close, as close as he could with the center console between them. “Let
it go.”

“I can’t! I have to go and deal with my mother and Rosa, both of whom don’t need me
to be like this. Don’t you see?” She pushed him back and he allowed it. For the moment.

“Let’s make a deal.”

She snorted and then sighed. “Does this include being naked?”

“Maybe, if you’re lucky. Let me make you something to eat. Go and have some tea with
your moms. And then come back. I’ll be waiting with something to eat and then we can
talk.”

She looked at him warily.

“Please?”

She sort of growled, which made him hard and he probably should have been embarrassed
to be turned on by her when she was mad and upset, but his cock didn’t care about
any of that. It knew what it liked and she sat right there, smelling really good and
needing a cuddle.

“All right. But that is not an invitation for you to poke at me until I lose my mind.
I’m not going there just now. Got me?”

He nodded, but didn’t agree exactly to every part of her statement. She raised a brow,
but didn’t say anything else as he pulled back out onto the road and took her to the
hotel.

Chapter 20

“SIT.
Here’s a mug of tea.” Her mother said nothing more as she got settled. She’d gone
to her room and managed to clean up her eye makeup so there wasn’t much of a trace
that she’d been crying.

She obeyed and Rosa came out, frowning. “You look pale.”

“I’m just tired. I wanted to stop by because I said I would and I didn’t want you
to worry. And because I’ve missed you both so much.”

“Tell us about Gage.” Rosa arched a brow.

“What about him?”

“Oh really, Molly? Aren’t we past that?”

She sighed and sipped her tea. “There’s not much to tell. You’ve seen him so you know
he’s gorgeous and charming. Also bossy.”

“You’re clearly involved. No one else would have spoken about your safety that way.
And you’d have never allowed yourself to get so miffed by anyone else. Not in public
anyway.” Rosa shrugged.

“Yes, we’re involved. Sort of. He doesn’t make a deal of it in public. Not that he
hides it either. Anyway. He’s the most vexing person I’ve ever met. Opinionated. Bossy.
Utterly overprotective. We bicker pretty much incessantly.”

Her mother laughed. “Oh well, that just means the sex is amazing and that you two
are compatible. We know you, Molly, you don’t bicker with anyone but the people you
love and trust most.”

Rosa nodded.

She shrugged. “Maybe. But he was out of line today. He shouldn’t have told you all
that.”

“No.
You
should have.” Her mother sent her a raised brow.

“I’ve told you both my job is dangerous. I’ve made no secret that I have a bodyguard.
But how could you have done anything in Chicago? Or here for that matter? Why would
I burden you with worry when there is absolutely nothing you can do about it? I shared
the basics. It’s not like I hid it from you entirely. He and I had it out. He apologized
but I have no doubt he’d do it again if he wanted to. He’s . . . unruly.”

Molly frowned. How on earth she got herself tangled up with an unruly man she didn’t
know. They were a lot of trouble. Though the benefits were pretty nice too.

Rosa laughed and Molly realized it had been months since she’d heard that sound. “They’re
the best kind. Anthony was unruly. You need a little unruly, honey. Muss up all that
starched-up expectation you have that everything in the world will be exactly as you
would have it be.”

“It would be a lot easier if it was.”

Her mother only shook her head, smiling. “That and he’s proud of you. He wanted us
to know how much you were doing. And we are too. Proud of you, I mean. Now drink the
rest of your tea and go to bed. We’ll have breakfast tomorrow and we can talk more
but I’m worried you’re not resting enough.”

Molly was so glad they were there. So glad to have that support and love. “I’ve missed
you both so much. It’s so selfish of me to want you here, but I’m glad you are.”

She smiled, but the emotion surged through her and both women in the room knew her
very well.

Her mother hugged her, and then Rosa. “Then do what we tell you. Go to sleep. We’ll
see you tomorrow.”

She hugged them both and paused at the door. Her mother walked her out to the elevator.
“Tell Gage I said hello.”

Molly blushed. “Okay.”

* * *

SHE
got back to her room and true to his promise, Gage was there making dinner in her
galley kitchen.

“Smells good.” She didn’t lie. Her stomach growled.

“They settled in all right? Faine stopped in and said he escorted them to dinner.”

“He did? That was very nice of him.” She walked past the kitchen. “I’ll be right back.”

She quickly changed and returned to the main room.

“It’s nearly done. I hope you like omelets.”

She looked at him over the rim of her juice glass. “You know I do.” He’d made them
for her once or twice before when he’d slept over.

“I do. I just wanted to fill the empty space I guess.”

“I guess I thought our silence was pretty comfortable by this point.”

He slid the omelet onto a plate and then her way. She salted and peppered it before
giving it the Tabasco treatment.

He sat next to her at the kitchen island. “They are when you’re not avoiding the topic.”

“My mom and Rosa know we’re seeing each other.” See how he liked that topic.

He leaned in, rubbing his shoulder against hers. “All right.”

She ate, feeling better with each bite until she finally put her fork down and rubbed
her belly. “Oh my god, so full.”

“Good. You look better, actually. Imagine what eating regularly would do. I know how
much you like good food.” He put the dishes and the pan into the dishwasher and turned
his gaze on her again.

“I’m usually better about it than I was today.”

“You regularly do this, Molly. You run yourself ragged.”

Too much. Before she realized it, her magick had filled her, spilling out through
the room.

“Look, I’m doing my best. I can’t help it that in my old life people weren’t trying
to assault me every time I went outside. Back then I could go to lunch without a bodyguard!”

“And yet you still make excuses for the people doing this to you.”

“Yes, that’s so very true. I make excuses for PURITY every day. You should find that
transcript you keep citing so we can go over it. Oh. Wait. You can’t. Because I don’t
ever make excuses for the people responsible for doing this to me.”

“So stop letting them rob you of rest and eating right.”

The man thought he was so clever with that reverse psychology thing.

“Oh really? You’re going to try to play psychologist with me now?”

“Someone needs to.” He paused. “Doesn’t it make you mad, ever? That they’ve stolen
your life too? You talk about how much Rosa has lost. But what about you?”

“I said I don’t want to talk about it!”

“Yes, because swallowing it helps.”

“How about you? Hm? What have you lost?”

“My uncle for starters. Friends. More members of the clan than I can count.”

“Your girlfriend.” Wow, that sounded petty.

He shook his head. “You’re usually so smart. She wasn’t my girlfriend. She was a woman
I liked and had dated a few times. She left. But
you
? You’re more to me than someone I like and date. Watching you punish yourself over
and over makes me want to shake some sense into you.”

“Even when I say I don’t want to talk about it? Repeatedly?”

He grinned and she sighed at his appeal.

“Especially then. Because you’re a liar. That’s the problem. Normally you’re strong
and take charge and it’s hot. You’re good at your job and everyone loves you and all
that. And that’s hot too. But when you try to pretend you can just ignore the welling
emotions inside, that’s dumb and you’re not. Your magick just overflowed in reaction.
That means something.”

She stood, trying to keep her cool, but her hands shook and she knew he noticed. “I
used to have a simple life. I had a good job. A firm I built with great clients. I
had a beautiful apartment with a beautiful view. I wore nice clothes that no one ever
threw flour on. No one ever called me a whore or a demon. I used to have lunch in
quiet little places with linen tablecloths and servers who called me Ms. Ryan. I used
to have lots of things I don’t have now. It sucks. I’ll get over it.”

“But you’re pissed off, aren’t you, beautiful?”

“Hell yes!” She took off her bracelet and threw it, instantly embarrassed. “See what
you do to me?”

He laughed. “Tell me more. What do I do to you? To all that careful reserve? Hm?”

“You poke and poke and you think it’s funny but one day you’re going to pull back
a stump. Fair warning.”

“You throw things when you’re riled up. Goddamn, I love that.”

She threw her hands up, seeking patience, but she had none left. “I’m so glad I can
entertain you.”

“You know what this is about. They’ve stolen your life. You talk about how angry it
makes you that they’ve stolen Rosa’s life. Or other people’s lives, but how about
yours?”

“I don’t have time to be angry.”

“Liar.”

She chewed her lip, losing the war inside to keep everything back. It would serve
him right if she just unloaded it all over him.

“You want me to go first? Huh? I’m fucking outraged that I can’t go to a family dinner
and hear my uncle telling one of his stories. I’m even more outraged that humans are
treating his death like it doesn’t matter. Some humans,” he amended. “I’m sick at
having to watch the toll on people I care about. You’re losing weight, Molly. I can
see that look in your eyes when you’re approached by someone new. Wary. I’ve watched
you change over the nearly two months you’ve been here. Gotten harder.”

“I’m so tired.” She scrubbed hands over her face, knowing she was making a mess out
of her makeup and not caring. “I’m tired of having to be on guard all the time. I
don’t know how people do it. I used to love meeting new people. Now I have to worry
if they’re going to attack me. Verbally, physically, whatever. I hate the look on
people’s faces when they find out I’m a witch. Hate that change from friendly to distrust
or outright dislike. I hate that I have to be guarded every minute of the day. It
takes so much energy just to leave the room here. I hate that I lost my father and
my best friend and I’m expected to move past it because somehow their deaths didn’t
count. My life never used to be like this.”

“Doesn’t that make you mad?”

He whispered those words and she felt them as if he’d screamed instead.

“Yes. Does that make you happy? It fills me with rage I can do
nothing
about. It feels futile sometimes. Like I’m just going through the motions of life
and not actually living it. It feels like I’m not doing anything at all. Just treading
water. I feel totally unnecessary and useless. I’m failing. I hate to fail.”

The tears came in a hot rush, blurring her vision as the first sob tore through her.

“And yet you get up and leave this room every day. You go out into hostile crowds
and tell the truth. And they believe you. You
do
make a difference. You’re not failing. Molly, you’re my hero. I’m not lying. I admire
you so fucking much.”

“You’re the only thing that feels real.”

And it was true. Right then Molly discovered something about herself. She loved so
hard. Harder than she’d ever imagined she could. She loved this man who pushed her
so she broke with him and not out there where no one could help her. It was so much
and too much and not enough and she couldn’t seem to do anything but slide down the
wall and cry big ugly tears.

And he was there, his arms around her, holding her tight as he rocked back and forth,
just letting her cry.

It tore him apart to see her this way, even as relief that she finally let it go filled
him.

She shook with sobs as she wept and he wanted to go burn shit down on her behalf.

“Shhh, I’m here. Just let it all go.”

He didn’t want to feel this way about anyone again. Ha, again. What a fucking liar
he was. He’d never felt this sort of intensity for anyone. Ever. There was no one
in the world quite like this woman he held in his arms.

No one who made him ache so much. Or who made him laugh, even as she exasperated him.
Who argued back with vigor—just as easily as she defended. She had honor. And courage.

She’d become someone to him. Her silly jealousy over Rose had made him laugh. If she
only knew how much she was on his mind. How he made up stupid crap for Faine to do
so he could take over and be with her.

Her admission that he was the only thing that felt real to her only made him want
her more.

And he shouldn’t. He had enough to do. Many people to protect. Edwina Owen died on
his watch. Lark nearly died. Rose ran off. His uncle was dead. He should have protected
each of them and he didn’t.

He would enjoy this woman. Protect her the best he could. But he could not love her.
She wasn’t for him. They could be together. Hold on during these rough and dangerous
times. It didn’t have to be more, because it was enough.