Gone (33 page)

“What, that you were in a tragic accident which thank God you managed to walk away from.” I flinch at her words but she continues without pausing for air. “That once you protected your sister and scared everyone with the level of the love you feel for her. That once you got drunk at a party and did something stupid.”

Faye looks at me puzzled.

Mum’s words tip me over the edge, I don’t want anyone trying to rationalize or excuse the things I have done. “Mum not everyone gets caught giving a stranger a blow job at a party by their dad. That’s not normal!” My voice rises as I think back to my dad’s face when he walked into that party a few weeks
back.

“Oh my god, Bex,” Mum splutters. “All girls do bad things, it’s part of being young, don’t you think I used to do stuff before I met your dad. That’s what youth is about.”

Faye nods her head. “I snog a different guy every weekend whilst trying to get the guy I am in love with to give me a go.”

“I’m not talking about snogging, Faye.”

“So. Look at you. No girl deserves that. No one regardless of what she has done before.”

I glance into the mirror still on the bed, my resolve strengthening when I see my reflection. “Give me a minute to get dressed and I will go to the police station.”

And I will. I will go to the police station. I will help give Joshua his freedom, but then I will finish my packing and be ready to go. I will be gone before the rumours start. It’s time to start running. Again.

Joshua

The Price of Freedom

I have my belt back, so that’s a good thing. They took it from me at the front desk, like they thought this was going to be the moment when Joshua Adams was finally going to top himself.

Everyone has been on suicide watch for months. It’s quite funny that the time it’s the furthest thing from my mind is the night they take measures to stop me.

Fools. I don’t want to top myself I want to kill Dan which is what I almost managed to do last night until a well concerned neighbour decided to call the police.

Since I’ve met Bex I have felt such a tangle of emotion so rare to me, most of it has been hard to name or recognise. Not last night. That was plain white hot fury. Not just at him though, also at myself. I should have done something about it two years ago when I first got an inkling of his character, instead I ignored it. I am disgusted at myself and probably always will be. Of course he denied everything that I told the police. My freedom walking out of the police station tells me that Bex must have come forward after all. I know it will destroy her, and I know that because of it she won’t stay here with me, which is what I was going to ask her last night before our evening went so horribly wrong.

In doing so it is going to destroy me too.

Aunt May is waiting outside the Newquay police station, her face is set with worry. Next to her is Emily. I’m surprised because as far as I know they’ve never met. As I get closer Emily dashes forward and throws her little arms around me.

“Hey, Midge. Are you my glory parade?”

“No, you bloody idiot, I am here to smack you around the head.” And she does hard, reaching onto tippitoes and using a bit of a jump. “What were you thinking, Josh, now Bex has another reason to leave. She thinks she has ruined your life as well as all of ours and her own.”

I stare at the angry flower fairy in front of me. “Sorry.”

“Sorry, Joshua. Sorry?” Aunt May turns her death stare on me. “Dan is your oldest friend, why would you do that to him.”
If she is trying to piss me off with her words and the challenging look she is giving me, it damn well works.

The white hot rage flares inside of me again. I move Emily out of my path and edge in front of my only living relative.

“My oldest friend is a sick pervert who prays on young women, my only regret is that I didn’t finish the job.” I flex my fingers, my knuckles split again with the movement and warm blood trickles down my skin.

May evaluates me carefully and then shocks me by leaning forwards and grabbing me into a hug. “At last you’ve woken up my boy.”

“What?”

“I’ve been watching you drift for too long, but now it’s time to become a man and chase your dreams.” She smiles at me and tugs a dreadlock hanging on my shoulder. “And if I ever see that Daniel boy again he will be getting a right hook from me.”

I slide my arm around her and grab Emily’s hand. “So how do you guys know each other?” I ask as we get close to May’s car.

Emily looks at me like I am stupid. “Your Aunt owns the only art shop in town, of course we know each other.”

“Your sister is a brave girl,” May tells Em and Emily’s little face lights with pride.

“I know, she is the bravest person I know, always has been and always will be.”

And with that my two oddest fan’s and I, make our way back to St Agnes and all the demons that I have to put to rest.

***

Bex is lying on her bed staring at the ceiling when I walk in through the door. “No drain pipes and windows today?” She does not turn to face me but continues to stare at a specific spot above her.

“I think we may be past that now.” I sit on the bed and she resolutely keeps her gaze turned away. “You okay?” I ask, but I know it is probably going to be the most ridiculous question I ever ask someone.

Slowly she turns to face me and I hold in the pathetic sound that wants to whimper from my lips. The lower half of her face is swollen. Last night it wasn’t so obvious a little red and swollen yes, but now it’s horrific, big black eyes and lips that look like they may never deflate again. No wonder the police were so quick to release me.

I’m so distracted by the sight of her mouth, her beautiful mouth so perfect for kissing that I don’t even notice the leaking, fast tears. “Josh, what did you do?” She brings herself to her knees next to me and gingerly slides tentative fingers along my face. I haven’t looked at it. What would be the point, I know Dan got in a few punches of his own. It seems my old friend has been holding a lot of resentment towards me for the last couple of years, resentment that he took out on my Bex just because he could. I feel the white hot fury rush through my veins again but I lock it back down.

“You didn’t need to do that,” Bex whispers. Her head lowers with shame and my heart does this strange squeeze. My desire for her has not diminished at all but it is veiled beneath something else more precious. Love and respect.

I use careful fingers to lift her face back to mine and ever so slowly brush my thumb over her lips. The ambers hold mine as we try and read each other’s thoughts. “Bex I would do anything for you.” I say after an ocean of silence has swept between us.

Bex leans forward, closing her eyes as she does, and places her lips against mine. She doesn’t wince or hesitate, she just applies the lightest of pressures like a kiss made of feathers. Finished she rocks back and looks at me hard again.

“I know you would do anything for me.” My chest tightens more with her low words. “That’s why you have to let me leave. The truth is, Josh, I don’t deserve it. I don’t want to bring you down, and I will. The whole town will know soon all about me and I don’t want you living with that. You’re too innocent to be tainted by the things I’ve done.”

Her words make no sense to me. What is she talking about?

“What do you mean innocent? You don’t even know the stuff I’ve done because
I’ve
never been brave enough to tell you.”

I wish I had been. I should have told her about my heartbreak right at the beginning. Instead I’ve let it become this huge secret sitting between us, effectively destroying us.

Bex offers herself a sarcastic sounding chuckle. Her fingers wrap tight around the bangles on her wrist, the bangles I hardly notice jingle anymore.

“Maybe if I shared some of myself with you, you’d understand why I’m not perfect.” I add. Too little too late.

The tear-lined ambers sweep up and look deep into me. It feels like they are searching my soul.

“Bex.” I try and continue but she places a finger against my lips.

“It’s crazy really. Just before Dan twisted everything, I was going to tell you that despite all the crazy and the shit I have going on, there was a part of me that felt like I should be here with you.”

I try and interrupt again but she won’t move her finger from my lips and I know I won’
t make her. I won’t ever make the girl of sun do anything ever again, not if she doesn’t want to.

“But the thing is, now I know I need to go. Not just because I need to run away for myself but because I need to run for your sake too. I’ve caused too much hurt to the people that I love, and I don’t want you to be hurt anymore, you deserve more than that.”

My eyes widen. Did she just say she loved me?

I am considering how to remove her finger from my mouth without using force when the door opens and Bex’s Dad storms in, his face like thunder. He marches right into my space, his face a mask of rage. “I thought I told you to look after her.”

For a moment I’m completely speechless, his words bring it home to me. I did promise to look after her. Just like months before I promised to look after another girl and I failed her too. The wind knocks out of my lungs.

“Dad,” Bex screams and leaps herself forward getting in between us. And still she is trying to protect another. Protecting me.

When I was young I used to think it would be cool to be a dad. As I never had one I thought it would be a great adventure in the unknown. Watching his face as he looks at Bex I know I probably won’t ever go down that road. 

He holds a hand out to Bex but lets it drop. “Bex?”

“Daddy,” her voice is so small my stomach actually pinches at the sound. “Don’t be angry.”

He leans down and with tender hands grasps her in his arms. “Baby, I am never going to be cross with you. This wasn’t your fault, mum and Josh’s Aunt have filled me in.”

“I’m sorry, Mr. Walters, I promised to bring her home safe, and I didn’t.” What an understatement.

He kisses Bex on the top of her head and turns to me. He gives his head a slow shake like he is trying to order the thoughts in his brain. I know how he feels. I have been trying to do the same since I lifted Bex off the sand in Newquay. I don’t expect his forgiveness.

He turns his attention back to Bex. “Baby, I am going out and won’t be back until tomorrow. I am sure Josh will stay with you and your mum and sister are right here too.”

“Where are you going?”

“I am going to go and put a few things right. I’ll see you tomorrow okay?”

“No,” her voice is at the pitch of breaking and it makes my eyes swim with stinging tears.

Bex’s dad lets out a chuckle. “Don’t panic, there has been enough fisty cuffs for today, I am just going to see an old friend. I’m sorry I have to go today.”

Bex links her fingers through mine, running her finger along the new scabs forming over my knuckles, every time I flex my hands the buggers re-split.

Bex gives her dad a small nod. “Okay.”

“Okay.”

We watch him walk away. As he gets to the door he turns and his gaze finds mine. “You did bring her home safe, Josh. Thank you.” His words make a massive lump of emotion well in my chest.

After the door has closed Bex turns to me. “I’m so tired, Josh.”

“Me too.”

“Will you stay?”

“You wouldn’t be able to make me leave.”

Rebecca

Only in the Night

This time when I wake in a panic and the scream starts to build I feel Joshua’s arms link around me pulling me back into his embrace. After Dad left on his mystery adventure I had been knocked by a wave of tiredness. It had been all I could do to lay down without falling asleep first.

Now I can feel Joshua, my beautiful boy made out of the moon and sea, sleeping next to me, his breath fluttering over my skin, and I know that I need to tell him everything. I want to feel like for the first time in my life one person knows every single bit of me. He knows so many of my dark secrets, my regrets. He knows my body like no one probably ever will again and as I feel his chest rise steadily next to mine I know I want to bare my soul to him. I want to tell him everything.

“Josh?” I nudge him and edge over, kissing my lips against the soft spot of skin below his ear.

Automatically his arms tighten around me. “Are you okay?”

“Josh, I need to tell you something.” I tug his hand so he sits up next to me. He rubs the sleep off his face with the palm of the other hand.

He doesn’t say anything. He just sits there silently and expectantly.

“You know how you think I’ve told you all my darkest secrets, all the stuff about Emily and about that party,”

“Yes.” He reaches a finger to trace along the edge of my collarbone. His touch is as light as a feather and despite the events of last night it makes me want him to hold me firmer and tighter. I don’t move towards him though.

“I never knew how to tell the one secret that really defines me.”

“Bex,” he interrupts. “I haven’t told you everything either.”