Gone (35 page)

“What are you talking about?”

“It wasn’t your fault Rebecca.”

“You don’t even know what you are talking about.” Now my voice starts to rise. It gets louder and louder with every word I say. “It’s the only thing that I can remember, that it was my fault. She screamed it at me. “Can’t you just learn to behave, Rebecca and get in the damn car.”

A slow tear slides its way down Drew’s face. “No Rebecca, that’s not what she said at all. She said.” He hesitates but then takes a large intake of air. “She said. “Can’t I just behave? Rebecca get in the damn car. We’ve got to go.”

My head spins with his words.

“You’re wrong.”

“No Rebecca. I heard as clear as day because she was shouting about me. Ellie had been begging me to give her a line of coke.”

My shock at his words knows no bounds. Ellie hated drugs. “What?”

Drew holds his hand up to stop me. “Wait let me finish. I think she was trying to impress me. I knew it wasn’t her scene and I thought she would regret it so instead I gave her a crushed up tranquilizer. I didn’t expect it to effect her. But it did. Half an hour later she was crazy. You didn’t see any of this because you were off dancing across the room. Ellie tried to make a move on me, she was all over me but I kept trying to push her away. I didn’t want to hurt her feelings.”

“But?” I can’t believe I am hearing any of this.

“I think she saw me glance over at you. You were dancing with some guy that I hated and I wanted to come and interrupt but I couldn’t get to you. Ellie saw me look at you and put two and two together. That was it, she went crazy. That’s when she shouted at you. “Why can’t I just learn to behave? Get in the damn car Rebecca.” You didn’t do anything Rebecca. It was never your fault. I never expected her to drive that fast or flip her car on a roundabout. I don’t know what I expected but her dying and you suffering was never it.”

My breath comes out in ragged drags of air, each one stings my throat as I gasp for oxygen. My mind freefalls as I absorb the things I have heard.

The truth. My truth.

“
I am so sorry Rebecca,” he says as he leans back and looks at me through his red tear filled eyes.

I take a deep breath and focus my stinging eyes on the past standing in front of me.

“So am I sorry, Drew. I need you to go now and you need to know that when I come back to London I won’t want to see you. I need to leave everything behind me. I can’t walk around with it hanging over my heart anymore.”

“I know.” He stands an awkward distance away from me.

“I am sorry you have come so far.” My voice cracks a little.

“It’s okay, I would have gone further just to tell you the truth. I’m going to go to the police as well. I should have done it months ago. I know I didn’t give her anything illegal but I should own up to what I did, for her families sake more than anything else.”

I don’t have anything else to say, I don’t really know what to begin to think. I want to get home and write Ellie a strongly worded letter that she is crazy, and silly and just dumb but then at the same time I wish I could hug her so tight in my arms I would never have to let her go.

Walking away from Drew I head back to the cottage no longer sure what I am doing.

I slam back through the front door and look about the deserted cottage. That’s strange? They must be hiding from the wrath of Bex.

“Guys, you can come out of hiding now!” I call and then stand waiting for them to appear. I know they will not be far.

Mum comes through first and bursts straight into tears the moment she sees me, “Bex, Bex,” she croons as she puts her arms around me, “My baby.” She sobs some more.

I can see Emily hovering by the door.

“Come here, Midge,” I call motioning for her to join us before I start to cry again.

The relief of Drew’
s words wash over me.

I didn’t make my friend drive a car because she was angry, or because I was getting into trouble as always.

Over and over again I think the words.

I am not a label.

“I’m so sorry,” I snivel into mum’s neck.

“Shh, baby. I’m sorry too. Sorry you’ve gone through so much and we haven’t been able to help at all.” She steps back wiping snot up her wrist.

“Where’s Dad?” I ask when he does not follow them into the kitchen.

“He’s gone for a walk, he needed to clear his head,” Mum tells me.

“I’m going to go and find him,” I say stepping back and pushing my clammy wet hair out of my face.

“No need, Bex, I am here.” He walks into the kitchen and towards me. As he gets close he stops short and hands me an envelope.

“What’s this?”

“
Your leaving present.”

I rip the seal and glance inside. There is a train ticket and a very fat wad of bank notes. I slip the ticket out and glance at the destination. London Paddington.

“What?” I start to ask but I don’t get to finish. Dad steps towards me and grabs me into a vice tight hug. He squeezes and squeezes until I am not sure if I can hold my breath any longer.

Placing his hands firmly on my shoulders he stoops so he can look me directly in the eye.

“I want you to go back and I want you to show those fuckers that you’ve done nothing wrong and then I want you to live the life that you want and not the one we want you to have.”

Okay firstly my dad just said the F’word. Secondly
what
? He wants me to move back to London? I thought they wanted me to stay here.

“What?”

He stares at me long and hard.

“The worst lesson your mum and I could ever have taught you was that running away was the best option. We should have taught you to stand your ground and fight instead.”

“I don’t know what to say.” And I don’t. I really really don’t.

“Sleep on it. The ticket is for the day after tomorrow. Figured we could have two last days together before you leave home for good.”

“What makes you sure I will go, what if I want to stay and fight here?”

“Maybe, I guess that depends on what you are still running from.”

“I need to sleep on it.” I turn and face Emily. “What do you think?”

“I think if you leave you will still be running, and that you may never stop.”

I look at her for a long moment. I can’t say she is wrong.

“If I stay, can I live here with you?”

Dad looks at Mum before turning back to me. “We charge thirty quid a week rent.”

I laugh, a crazy sound.

“I need to go and tell Joshua the real truth.”

“Go get him,” they shout as I dash back out of the kitchen door. As I pace down the lane towards the village I hope I am not too late.

Joshua

The Good Bye

I left Bex before the dawn light had started to creep into her room. All night I held her trying to make sense of what she had told me and what it meant for me and for us.

She thought I was going to hate her for the final secret she revealed. She could not have been more wrong. It made me feel something I was never expecting. It made me feel relief.

Finally I am strong enough to say my goodbye.

It was just starting to get light when I got to the grave yard. I walked straight up to it and lay on the cool stone the picture I have been keeping in my wallet for six months. The last picture I drew before Bex woke me up and helped me start living again.

Then I started to shout, filling the dawn air with my repressed anger. Six months I’ve been blaming myself for my girlfriends death, all because she wanted to go home one night and I refused to drive her. Six months of internal hatred all because my girlfriend couldn’t wait half an hour for me, and instead got into a car with some drunk holiday makers. Six months of hating all visitors coming to my home town.

It wasn’t me.

It wasn’t even them.

It was her choice.

I stood there laughing in the end as the weight lifted from my chest.

Bex did that. She freed me. By sharing her darkest deepest moment she set me free from the dark prison holding me in place.

Finally, finished with my ranting and emotionally battered I went to the beach. I have been sitting here ever since watching the sun come up waiting for Faye. She will meet me when she is ready.

As soon as Faye sits down next to me on the sand I can see she has been crying. In complete silence we watch the surf roll in and out for what feels like hours. I hold her hand in mine and she rests her head on my shoulder as we both take our time to focus on what I need to do.

“You are going to forgive me for letting her go aren’t you?” I ask her when I can bear the silence no more. I tighten my fingers around hers and stare at the back of her hand that is so similar to the one that I used to know. For months it hurt seeing the similarity between them, the straight edge of their noses, the curve of their shoulders. Now I worry that if I don’t see Faye I may forget, or that the brightness of the sun that is Bex will erase all memory.

Faye reads my thoughts. “You’re not going to forget, Josh, you’ve just got to forgive yourself. That night was not your fault. You know Mum and Dad never blamed you. I never blamed you. You are the only one who has ever felt that you were at fault.” Faye leans into me and rests her head against my shoulder. “We’ve all been waiting for you, Josh, we all want you to be happy again.”

I squint out to sea and think over her words.

“I know I wasn’t to blame.” I say finally.

Faye makes a strange sobbing noise. “No. It was my dumb assed sister being a stubborn cow. Come on Josh, no one could ever stop Aimee from doing anything, even you. She would have got in that car regardless.”

I chuckle a little bit, my shoulder brushing against Faye’s. “She really was very stubborn.”

I smile as good memories crash into my mind. Memories I haven’t allowed myself to think of for the longest time.

Silence falls between us as we both sit with our personal thoughts.

“Did you bring it?” I ask eventually.

“Yeah.” She motions to her bag.

“And your mum and dad they were okay?”

“Josh, this goodbye is yours. Mum and Dad have said theirs, and so have I.” she looks up at me and gives me a small watery smile. “I spoke to them this morning, they are relieved you are finally ready and they’re going to be thinking about you.” She glances at her watch. “Right about now.”

I give a sigh and lean forward reaching into her bag. I pull out the box which is much smaller than I remember.

“We’re going for a last swim together,” I tell Faye motioning towards the box in my hand.

She doesn’t answer and glancing down I see that she has her fists over her eyes and her shoulders are heaving. I don’t stop to comfort her. I grab my board and stride for the sea. I can’t look back and I won’t.

I paddle out, as far as I can until the sea is dark, cold and smooth beneath me. The waves are still crashing on the shore but I am far enough out that I am not even rocked by their movement. The sun glimmers off the water’s reflection and I wait for something. I am not sure what. A sign maybe.

My throat tightens and I know I am just waiting to say the word. The only word I have left to say. Loosening the lid on the box I sprinkle the contents onto the water. Swirling my hand in the water I watch the murky mixture as it floats away from me. I try to catch some back, panic taking hold of me as the words burn in my throat and I fail to keep any of the dusty water close to me.

“Bye.” Is all I manage and my chest makes an almighty heave. I throw the box in after the ash and it sinks straight down. I watch the ripples increase until they wave under my board. The sun burns into my shoulders and I absorb some of its strength.

It’s my final goodbye and now it’s done it feels good. The last six months of having the words in my head but unable to express them evaporates. As I turn my board towards the beach I know that it’s the best goodbye I will probably ever have.

Back on the shore I leave the board and walk towards Faye who is standing with her toes in the water. She slides her hands around my waist and leans her head on my shoulder and I pull her in close.

“Better?” she asks.

I lean down and look her in the eyes before kissing the tip of her nose.

“Better.” I confirm. “I think I need to go home.” I tell her.

She looks at me. “Where is home, Josh?”

I smile. “It’s not where, it’s whom!” I laugh and it feels good. It feels like months and months of hurt have been lifted from my chest.

“You go tiger,” she smiles. “Love you, Josh.”

“Love you, Faye.”

I am just turning back around to get my board when I catch a glimpse of sunshine up by the top of the beach. It’s not the sun in the sky it is my sun and she is watching me with a look of confusion on her face.

“Bex wait,” I call but she doesn’t. She starts to run and for some stupid unforgivable reason my feet don’t run after her, they root in the sand instead.