Gonzo (Rolling Thunder Motorcycle Club Book 7) (6 page)

Instead of taking offense at being called broken, I asked, “What broke her?”

“I wish I knew. Even in elementary school she got in more trouble than me, and I was always warning her not to do stuff, which she invariably did anyway. As we grew older, the things she did came with more consequences. Maybe it was because we moved so often, though I managed okay. She had more difficulties making new friends than I seemed to, so she started seeking out the troublemakers and then doing outlandish stuff so they’d accept her. It was always hard to catch up on schoolwork, and after a while I think she just gave up and didn’t care.”

“We’ve both had losses,” I told her. “I want to be part of my kids’ lives, but I want to respect the role you play, too. We may butt heads a little, but I promise you I’ll try my best to be true to myself while doing right by you.”

“As long as they continue to live with me, I think we can work everything else out.”

“I can’t imagine asking for custody right now. This is their home and they’re thriving. I can’t promise I won’t want it at some point in the future, but I’m not interested in disrupting their lives. I need you to let me contribute financially though, for starters.”

I smelled anger, fear, confusion, pain. So many ways she could’ve responded, but she finally said, “My dad leaves Wednesday to go back to Virginia. If you’d like to spend the night either Friday or Saturday night, you’re welcome to stay in the mother-in-law apartment downstairs. That way you can read them a story and tuck them in, and be there in the morning for breakfast. We can plan to do something the next day, though something tells me you won’t want to go to church with us Sunday morning.”

“Let me double-check with Duke and make sure, but we’ll tentatively plan it for Friday night. Perhaps we can take them to Foster Falls on Saturday, and hike into the canyon?”

“I’ve never been there — do you think it’ll be too much for them?”

I grinned. “They’ll be fine, but I’m sure I’ll have to hold your hand.”

She blushed and looked down, but didn’t argue. She looked up a few seconds later and said, “You realize there isn’t going to be anything between us, right?”

“Yeah. We’re from different worlds but we seem to be doing okay so far. When’s the last time you went out on a date?”

“I tried again about a year ago. The time before was my second year of college. Dating isn’t really my thing.”

“Why? You’re a beautiful woman, I’m sure you’ve been asked out?”

“Do you know what asexual means?”

“It means you aren’t interested in sex. You don’t have it with anyone.” Surely not. The mere thought horrified me.

She didn’t say anything, but her face was bright red and I could smell how embarrassed she was.

“Tell me you aren’t a virgin? You’ve at least tried it, right?”

She nodded and I asked, “And you didn’t like it?”

“Not at all.” She was staring at the table, mortified, but she answered. “Some friends told me the first time is never good, but then it gets better, so I tried again about six months later and I still hated every minute of it.” She visibly shuddered. “The guy last year… even holding his hand made me want to run away.”

“How old are you now?”

“Thirty.”

“Second year of college… so you haven’t had sex in
ten
years?”

Now she looked at me, her gaze holding mine because she was too stubborn to do anything else. “Don’t make me seem like a freak. It’s a choice. It’s
my
choice.”

“The guy last year — that’d be the one you hit with a lamp?”

She nodded and looked at the water. “His online profile said he was asexual, so we went out a few times with the understanding we both wanted companionship without sex. But then he decided I turned him on and he wanted to see if he wasn’t asexual anymore, and he didn’t stop when I said
no
.”

“Did you file charges?” I kept my voice soft, though I wanted to find the man and crush his skull.

“I didn’t want my asexual status to come out, and I guess he didn’t want an assault charge. I have the education to be a medical doctor, I just didn’t complete all the final hospital work necessary because that wasn’t my goal. Still, I knew he needed immediate medical attention so I had to call an ambulance. We got our stories straight while we waited. He said he lost his balance and grabbed the lamp, let go of it when he thought he was okay, but then fell anyway and his head hit the lamp when he landed. I’m not sure the officers believed us, but they took our statements and let it go.”

“And then your father took care of him later?”

“I wasn’t aware of it at the time. I asked him about it the other night and he told me he beat the hell out of him about a month later, but concentrated on ribs and body parts so he didn’t risk killing him since the jerk had so recently had a serious concussion.”

Whether her dad liked me or not — I liked him.

“I didn’t mean to make you feel like a freak. I’m just trying to wrap my head around it. I want to ask how experienced the two men you were with seemed, but you’re uncomfortable enough without my asking more questions.”

“I don’t think it was them. I’m pretty sure it’s me.” She sighed and looked down. “Sandy used to masturbate
all
the time. Especially when she was using, but when she was sober, too. I accidentally walked in on her a few times and it was like she felt this incredible
bliss
. The look on her face was as if she were having a spiritual experience. I used to be jealous of her for that.”

“Have you ever tried to pleasure yourself?”

“That’s personal.” She stood and walked a few steps away so I wouldn’t see her red face again, and I gave her a second before I walked to her. She hadn’t lied to me yet, and I noted that even with that question, she didn’t lie. She deflected the question, but the fact she didn’t want to answer told me she’d tried and hadn’t had any luck.

I stood behind her and said, “I’m going to hug you, and you’re going to let me. I hug my brothers in the MC, and I hug some of their wives. One of them recently even kissed me on the cheek. Those hugs and cheek-kisses are between friends and aren’t sexual. Do you trust me to keep our touching on the
friend
level?”

She nodded, and I turned her around and pulled her into my embrace. She was stiff, at first, but I stayed perfectly still and told her, “Try putting your arms around my neck.”

I was surprised when she did, and even more surprised when a few seconds later she relaxed in my arms and I scented grief — the kind people feel when they’re so lonely they
ache
. Humans need touch, but I’d seen her hugging and touching the kids, so it wasn’t like she was skin-starved.

But I was embracing
her
. Protecting her. She was always the one in charge, the one comforting and assuring others.

Connie didn’t know it, but she was a little broken, too. She’s a successful, strong woman… but still a little girl on the inside.

I let her go and didn’t risk kissing her forehead, though I wanted to. “Thank you. I hope you’ll let me do that when we see each other, and when we say goodbye, and anytime one of us just needs a hug.”

She nodded, but I could tell she wasn’t sure about it. I smiled when I realized I was looking forward to winning her over on how wonderful hugs can be.

I broached my next touchy subject as we pulled out of the park. “I usually work at night, so my schedule would work great to pick the twins up from preschool every once in a while, so they don’t have to go to daycare. I could either bring them to my house until time to take them home, or we could go to your house until you arrive home. I assume the mother-in-law unit has a separate entrance, and you could give me access to it without allowing me in your personal space.”

“Can we wait a few weeks before we jump to you picking them up from school? We’d have to notify daycare the day before that they won’t have to pick them up, and…”

Her voice trailed off and I filled in the blanks. “You don’t trust me enough, yet.”

She looked down at her hands, grasped in her lap, and I took two breaths before I responded. “I’m glad you’re so protective of them. We’ll give it some time and hope you learn to trust me.”

I knew in my gut it was too soon to talk about having my name put on their birth certificates, so I didn’t bring it up.

G
onzo

I
dropped
the check off with Sam’s assistant Monday morning, and received a phone call from her during lunch to let me know she was officially my attorney. I set an appointment three weeks out to come into her office, and I told her I hoped to talk to the aunt before then about the DNA test.

I had Duke set a meeting with Randall for Tuesday afternoon, because the sooner I told him what was going on, the better. We’re supposed to be more careful about who we may have impregnated, and I should’ve followed up more with Sandy’s friends after she disappeared. After the condom broke, it was my responsibility to make sure she wasn’t pregnant. If the twins had reached puberty and
changed
for the first time around an aunt who didn’t have a clue, it could’ve been disastrous. Kids have to be trained while growing up so they can control their wolf when it comes, and then they have to be watched carefully throughout puberty to be sure they have iron control. I’d been bitten because a young teen had lost control, and he was on his third full moon.

If Randall found out before I told him, it’d be worse, so I needed to face him and then face whatever punishment he doled out. I’m not one of his wolves, but I’m living in his territory with his permission and it’s important we keep open communication between the Pack and the MC.

He never invites me inside — I’m always walked around the house to the screened-in back porch. I didn’t bother bringing a cooler full of bison or venison as tribute. I knew I couldn’t buy my way out of whatever was to come, and offering it today might be seen as an insult.

He didn’t interrupt as I told him the story, though he asked several questions about my intentions with the twins when I finished.

“I’ve put an attorney on retainer, and the first step is to have my name put on their birth certificates. I don’t want to rip them from the only home they’ve ever known, so I’ll do it gradually. I hope to have them living under my roof within four to six months, but I’m prepared to let it draw out a few months longer if I feel it’s in their best interest. I want their aunt to continue to be in their lives, and I’m not sure how that looks, but I’ve already talked to Duke about binding her so I can let her know what’s going on. She knows they can see in the dark better than most, and she knows they have really good hearing. So far, she hasn’t picked up on anything else.”

“Did you make any attempts to find Sandy after she didn’t show up again?”

“We sent her away for using drugs after I caught her doing a line of coke in the bathroom. I figured if she was pregnant she’d miscarry, and she hadn’t smelled pregnant, so I let it go.” I shook my head, looked out at the woods beyond the field, and then back to him. “I asked her friends about her and didn’t catch any scents of worry or concern, and certainly nothing to make me think they needed to keep something from me, as you’d expect if they knew she was pregnant.
Now
, I know she moved to Atlanta to live with her sister when she found out, so it’s likely her friends never knew. At the time, though — between the cocaine habit and her friends being so relaxed — I wrongly assumed she wasn’t pregnant.”

He nodded and stood. “Strip, go to the yard, and drop to your hands and knees.”

Duke leaned forward, “Randall, can’t we—”

“
Enough
, Duke. If he doesn’t leave here showing obvious signs he was punished then others will start getting slack. If you can’t sit and let me do what has to be done then I’ll need to cage you until I’m finished.”

Duke’s jaw worked, but he sat back and shut up. We’d talked about this ahead of time — I didn’t expect him to rescue me from the punishment I’d earned. His brother makes the rules in this territory and I’d broken them. If we were in a territory without an Alpha then I might be facing the Concilio right now, or a Master Vampire. Creating a situation where humans might find out about supernaturals
can
be punishable by death. Randall wanted to make an example of me, but he wasn’t likely to kill me.

Whatever he was about to do was going to hurt, though. I draped my clothes over the chair I’d been sitting in and walked down the steps to the grass. I’d no sooner gone to hands and knees when it felt as if someone’s hand and arm reached into my soul and yanked my wolf until I was turned inside out and was now the wolf. I fell to the ground sideways and whimpered in pain and confusion, and seconds later Randall did it again and forced me to human. There was no
change
, it was more like flashing from one image to another. One second I was the wolf and a split-second later I was two-legged.

And then I was the wolf again, and human again. The wolf whimpered, the human cried and begged, but the Alpha kept at it, over and over until I wished I were dead.

I remember passing out, and then being suddenly wide awake and in excruciating pain once more when he forced me to another form yet again. When he was finally done with me, I’m told Duke put me in the backseat — naked with a blanket over me — to drive me to the compound. I was unconscious so I don’t remember any of it.

They carried me to my room at the clubhouse, and my brothers and their wives took turns sitting with me round the clock for two days, pushing ice chips in my mouth at first to keep me hydrated, and then getting me to drink sports drinks to try to get fluids and calories into me. Most of those two days are a haze, but I remember enough to say Angelica can be damned bossy when she wants to be. I also remember being freezing cold at one point, and having Angelica and Harmony on either side of me in bed to help keep me warm.

I could finally eat again on Thursday, and I started with dry toast that morning, graduated to scrambled eggs an hour or so later, and had about ten steaks for dinner. I had to get my strength up in time to see my kids Friday.

Connie called midday Thursday to ask if I still planned to come. I told her I’d bring a barbecue feast for us all, and warned her it wouldn’t be homemade but assured her it’d be delicious.

C
onnie had set
the table on her deck to look like we were having a picnic, and the kids thought eating outside was
awesome
. They told me about their day, and they pantomimed their teacher as they told some of their stories. They had me laughing more times than I can count, and I realized how little laughter had been in my life. Sure, I’d laughed with my MC brothers here and there, but not with this kind of joy.

We played hide and go seek, and a few other games in the yard until their aunt informed us it was time to start the bedtime routine.

Connie drew a bath for Chloe while I kept them company in their room, and then it was just Declan and I while his sister took her bath. I’d been instructed by their aunt that once we come upstairs it’s quiet time — no running or jumping because we’re slowing down in preparation for going to sleep.

This was their routine so I did my best to keep Declan calm, but I had a feeling she’d set me up to fail.

Still, I did my best, and when she and Chloe came into the room Declan and I were on the floor playing with the big Legos, designed so kids can’t swallow them. It looked like Connie approved, and I said, “I assume it’s time for Declan’s bath, now?”

She called him into the bathroom, and little Chloe took his place on the floor.

“You’re really my real daddy?”

“I really am.”

“You knew my mommy?”

“Not very well. I only saw her a few times.”

“Aunt Constance says babies are made when people get married.”

I sighed and tried to figure out how to answer without calling her aunt a liar. “That used to be the case, but I think just as many babies are made by people who aren’t married, now.”

Thankfully, that answered her question and she skipped from one topic to the next at lightning speed until her aunt returned with Declan.

Apparently, it was Declan’s turn to have the bedtime story in his bed, so I climbed into the tent-like structure, settled between the two of them, and read books as they handed them to me until it was time for lights-out. I wanted to make sure I was invited back so I had to be firm and tell them it was time to go to sleep when they begged for ‘one more book’.

I carried Chloe to her bed, kissed her little forehead, and then went back to give Declan a hug and kiss before I turned out the light and left. I sat on the top step with Connie for ten minutes, and when she was certain they were asleep we looked in on them before heading downstairs.

“I have a confession to make,” she said as she led me into a den I hadn’t seen yet. “I’ve been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix to try to get an idea of your lifestyle. It bothers me that they have their kids around so much, knowing the levels of violence that can crop up at any time.”

“The twins can’t hear us in this room?”

“Not from their room. I moved the television in here so I could watch it without disturbing them after they went down for the night.”

“Some of the show is accurate — the women available pretty much anytime, the partying, the brotherhood. We don’t run guns, though, and we’ll never be involved in drugs in any way. Sandy was sent away because I caught her running a line of coke. We don’t allow drugs in our compound at all, and we do our best to keep them out of the territory we’ve claimed around our compound.”

“Do you do illegal things? I know you have the motorcycle repair shop and the bar, do you have illegal things you do for money, too?”

“I can’t talk to you about club business, Connie. It’s a hard and fast rule.”

“Constance. I don’t shorten it to Connie.”

I’d been calling her Connie in my head for so long, I hadn’t realized I hadn’t been saying it aloud. I grinned and said, “I think you look more like a Connie. You can be prissy-assed Constance to everyone else, but you can relax and be Connie around me.”

She pursed her lips, and I stood and walked to the door of the den before she could argue, saying, “I’m going to get some more barbecue and beans, maybe some slaw. Do you want anything?”

“No, thanks. Do you need me to help?”

“Nope, I know where everything is. I’ll be back in a few minutes.”

I looked for a coaster when I returned and didn’t see one. I asked where they were and she told me, “We eat and drink in the kitchen and dining room.”

Okay, I wanted to be asked back, but I also wanted to stay with her and talk while I ate. “Would it be okay if I sit on the floor and eat?”

She rolled her eyes and started the Sons again, and I had her giggling as I commented on the characters.

I took my dishes back to the kitchen when I finished, rinsed them and put them in the dishwasher, and returned to the den. I sat on the sofa beside her this time, and she went stiff for a few minutes, but gradually relaxed. I was a good six inches away but I
really
wanted her closer. I wasn’t interested in sex with her, but I felt like she needed touch.

I hadn’t heard from my wolf since Randall fucked us up. Normally, he’d have been egging me on, and I missed him. Duke assured me he’d be back, and said my first full moon would be hell but things should be back to normal after the run.

“Do you still own guns?” Connie asked during a huge shoot-out between SAMCRO and another club.

“I do. I have a license to carry one legally, though I haven’t done so around the kids because I didn’t want them to feel it and ask what it was. We’ll have to broach the subject at some point, and I’ll need to be able to teach them the proper respect for firearms.”

“My dad brings one when he comes, and he’s taught the kids about them. He made Sandy and I learn to shoot as kids, but I’ve never bought one.”

“I’m glad he’s set the groundwork, and I’m relieved you’ll be okay with my teaching them how a gun works. It’s important to take away their curiosity so they won’t be tempted to investigate if they should come upon one.”

“I… I find that I want to hug you, again.”

I turned sideways and pulled her to me gently, and she rested her cheek on my t-shirt covered chest. God, I wanted to be skin to skin, but she felt good in my arms.

Part of me wanted to teach her that sex can be good, but a much bigger part of me wanted to make sure I did nothing to jeopardize my friendly access to the twins.

When the hug was over we went back to watching Sons of Anarchy, and when the episode ended she said she was turning in.

“I’ll head downstairs, then. Thank you again for welcoming me into your home.”

She shook her head. “It looks like you’re family now. We still have to figure things out, and I don’t like not having a blueprint for where we’re going, but I also agree we’ll have to play it by ear and do things as the twins are ready.”