Good Greek Girls Don't (40 page)

‘Yep. How you doing?'

‘Missing you, babe.'

He's still got it. ‘Me, too. Wish you were here with me.'

‘Tomorrow night, babe.'

Oh, the promise of things to come. I love it.

‘You ready for tomorrow?'

What a stupid question. Of course not. I have to make sure that everything is just right – that everyone gets out of bed in time, that the flowers arrive on time and the hairdresser doesn't get lost. I have to organise Ricki, my parents and Effie's kids. It's going to be crazy.

‘Next question.' I hope Chris is organised at least. ‘Did you pick up your suit? Did you polish your shoes? Have you got clean jocks and socks?' Maybe I should sneak over there just to make sure. ‘And do not let Evan get you drunk tonight.' If Chris rocks up drunk, or with even a hint of a hangover, I'm taking Ricki on the honeymoon.

‘Des, take a deep breath. Everything is fine. We're not getting drunk tonight.'

‘I just want everything to be perfect, Chris.'

‘It will, babe. As long as you and I are there, nothing else matters.'

With all the time, effort and money Chris and I have put into this wedding, of course everything else matters.

‘Chris, you know I love you but will you please stop talking crap.' Why do men insist on remaining calm when madness prevails? ‘Nothing can go wrong tomorrow. There is no way I am having three hundred wogs criticising my wedding.' Oh, Jesus, I've become my worst nightmare. I have become a bridezillaopoulos! I am the wog bride from hell.

‘Des, it will be perfect. The guests will be too busy gushing over us and stuffing their mouths with fish and chicken.'

He knows exactly what to say. I can't deny the truth. ‘Do you have any idea how much I love you? Do you have any idea how much I am hanging to marry you tomorrow?'

‘About as much as I'm hanging, babe. You're my heart, Des.' And he is mine.

‘Will you please get out of bed, Ma? We've got heaps to do.' What is my mother still doing in bed? Does she not realise what today is? Today is the day. I'm getting married today and she's decided that it's the perfect day to be lazy and sleep in for once in her life. How the hell can she sleep so soundly?

‘Despina, is no even four yet. Go back to bed.'

Has my mother taken complete leave of her senses? I have to get my nails done at nine-thirty, the make-up artist and hairdresser are arriving at eleven to make sure I look absolutely perfect and, somewhere in between, I have to make sure I have packed all the essentials for my honeymoon, keep Dad out of the garden and away from the wogmobile, make sure Effie's kids don't start wrestlemania in the lounge room after they get into their outfits and pray that Ricki can dress herself without going through all five pairs of stockings I bought for her. I know her so well. Every time she has to wear stockings she shoves a damn finger through them as she pulls them into place, tearing them to ribbons.

Maybe I should give up on Mum for the moment and make sure Chris is up and about. He cannot be late today and if I leave him to his own devices he will get up at the last possible minute. And our best man, Evan, is absolutely useless. He'd sleep through an earthquake. I should have sent an insomniac to spend the night with Chris.

Damn answering machines! I hate these contraptions. ‘Hi, you've called Chris. If this is Desi checking up on me at some obscene hour, I'm asleep and you probably should be, too. Relax, babe, I'll be at the church on time. If you don't fall into the neurotic wife-to-be category, wait for the beep and do your thing.'

Arsehole. I can't believe he did that. What will people think if they hear that message? They'll think I'm nuts. They'll think I need psychiatric care.

‘Very funny. You missed your true calling as a comedian. Get that greeting off the damn machine the second you wake up. What are you still doing in bed, anyway?' I bet he's turned the volume down so he doesn't hear the phone ring or me telling him off. ‘Do you have any idea just how much needs to be done before you leave for the church?' I'll just call him every ten minutes until I get him out of bed.

Okay, my honeymoon bags are packed. I'm just taking the essentials: lingerie, a few clothes, clean undies, shoes, credit cards and my passport. I'm planning on doing a lot of shopping over there. God, it weighs a tonne. How can it weigh so much when there is next to nothing in there? I hope it gets through the airport check-in.

It's almost five in the morning. People are going to start arriving soon. I cannot believe the casual attitude that has taken hold of this house. If someone doesn't wake up soon I'm hitting the kitchen and getting creative with the pots and pans.

You'd think Ricki at least would be up. She's almost more excited about this wedding than I am. There's no way she could still be asleep in the spare room. She must at least be half-awake.

‘Ricki, are you awake?'

Whispering isn't working, maybe some gentle prodding will help her.

‘Ricki, it's time to get up. Ricki, WAKE UP!'

‘Five more minutes, Ma.'

Do I look like her mother?

‘Ricki, it's the big day! You have to get up.'

There's a slight slit in her eyes; there's mumbling. Partial success.

‘Des? What time is it?'

‘It's ten past five already. You have to get up.'

‘Are you nuts? Come back in three hours.'

‘Ricki, please!' I am not above begging.

‘You're not going to let me get any more sleep, are you?'

Very perceptive. She's grumbling and mumbling but at least she's sitting up.

‘Get me a coffee at least, Des, before I fall back asleep.'

Where's the coffee? What the hell has my mother done with the coffee? This is a wog house, we shop in bulk. How could my mother let the coffee run out, today of all days? I can't go to the supermarket on my wedding day. I do not have time for this.

‘Des, get your head out of the dishwasher.' Huh? ‘You will not find coffee there. Coffee is in the pantry, milk is in the fridge and cups are in the cupboard.'

Maybe Ricki should make the coffee. Can I really be trusted with boiling water?

‘Honey, you need to relax. Everything is going to be fine. You're getting married today.'

What a spin. My head is buzzing.

‘I can't believe it, Rick.' I'm getting married. I fought this for so many years, convinced it wasn't for me, that it wasn't what I wanted. And then Chris happened. He came into my life and challenged everything I believed in, or thought I believed it. He turned my world upside down and inside out and now I can't wait to marry him. ‘Did you honestly ever think we would be getting ready for my wedding?' No way. ‘All those years ago, sitting in the back row at school?'

‘You mean getting spit up in the back row at school.'

That's just semantics. ‘Whatever. You know what I mean. Back then getting married was a fate worse than death to us. There was no way we would allow it to happen because it was what our parents wanted. Did you ever think it would be what we wanted, too?'

‘I always knew you'd get married first, Des. I never bought this anti-Greek, anti-domestic bullshit you tried to pull off.'

Excuse me?

‘I think we perfected the image. But it was never who we truly were, and now it's become a fond memory.'

So many years, so many alcohol-induced sick days. Ricki and I have been through it all together and never in my wildest dreams did I imagine we would be going through weddings together. God, I hope things don't change just because there will be a ring on my finger at the end of today. We promised we would be best friends forever, through thick and thin. That can't change. That would be devastating.

‘Rick?' How do I say this?

‘What? You better not be getting deep on me. You have that look in your eyes and it's too early in the morning for a deep and meaningful.'

‘It's just … you know … I just want to make sure …' There is no way she is going to know what I'm trying to say if I can't even get the words out of my mouth. The words make sense in my head but somewhere between my brain and my vocal cords they get all jumbled and twisted, completely losing their logic.

‘Relax, Des. We will always be best friends.'

How did she know what I was trying, without success, to say?

‘You honestly think that just because you're getting married that it's the end of Ricki and Desi? Chris and Ari know we're a package deal. Like it or not, they're stuck with us.'

Oh, thank God.

‘Besides, I need you around to organise my wedding now that you're a pro at this shit.'

I knew there was an ulterior motive. For that, Ricki can suffer through the wogiest kitchen tea known to womankind. I should have known better than to doubt my friendship with her.

‘We're going to be old bags together, Des. Our kids will grow up together and stress us out when they start going to nightclubs.'

She needs to step back a minute – we're not even married yet and she has us stressing about our children's comings and goings.

‘Maybe one of your kids will marry one of my kids.'

Enough. ‘Jeez, Ricki, can you let us at least enjoy today before you start proxying off our kids?'

‘Do you understand now that gold bands on our fingers could never change our friendship? If anything, it'll make it stronger.'

I know she said it's too early for a deep and meaningful but it's never too early for a hug. I give her a big one.

‘I know, you're right. I guess I just needed to hear it.' I wish I could be just as sure that everything is ready for this wedding. ‘Ricki, did you check the kids' clothes? What about my dad's suit? They haven't gotten creased have they? Can you call the florist and make sure she has the right addresses. Oh, God, and can you ring and make sure the cake is delivered to the reception?'

‘Des, take a breath. The kids' clothes are hanging in your grandmother's room. I picked up your dad's suit yesterday. And, no, I will not call the florist or the bakery now because if I do they will sabotage your wedding on purpose and I would not blame them.'

I will so get my revenge on Ricki when her wedding day rolls around. Her neurosis will make mine look like a minor anxiety attack.

‘Everything has been taken care of so will you please relax and just enjoy being a bride? We're only obligated to be nice to you for this one day so enjoy it while it lasts.'

‘Despina, I dress children now. You go call him.'

I've had my nails, hair and make-up done and the veil set it place so I can traipse across Dad's garden. He better not be fertilising anything.

‘Dad, it's time to start getting ready.' What's wrong with my father? He's not doing anything; he's just sitting on the ledge with a glass of water. ‘What's wrong, Dad? You're not sick, are you?'

‘No, darling, me no sick. Just sit here and think little bit.'

We can do this. I think we have a few minutes to spare before I drag Dad inside and force him into his suit. Although I think he would rather wear a straightjacket than a suit.

‘You happy?' Why does everyone keep asking me that? Does Dad honestly think I would be going through all of this if it wasn't want I wanted?

‘Yes, Dad, I'm happy. Happier than I ever thought I could be.' Happier than I ever thought I deserved to be.

‘Chris is good boy. I know. But we make many mistakes with Effie. No want you to be sad, too. Your mother and me think Andreas is good man and then he is big bastard.'

‘Dad, Chris isn't Randy Andy and Effie is okay now.' She's better than okay – her divorce is almost final and she's about to go on a holiday with the kids, then she'll be starting the business course she enrolled in last week. Everything is working out.'

‘Promise you tell me if Chris is no good. If you have problem, you tell me. Your father fix.'

He's so eager to make up for the past, what harm would it do to ease his mind a little bit?

‘I promise, Dad. But you have nothing to worry about. Chris is amazing and I love him. Our relationship is nothing like Effie and Andreas's.

‘Okay, baby
mou
. We get ready for wedding. You make your old man one more coffee before you no his little girl no more?'

I never thought I would see the day my dad would turn to mush.

‘Dad, I'll make you a coffee whenever you want one.'