Good Side of Sin (23 page)

“Why don’t you let me decide when I’ve had enough,” I said, my throat beginning to swell with emotion. I wouldn’t cry. I would not cry!
Please don’t break my heart, Thoros.

I heard the breath leave his lungs in a huff and everything changed to slow motion as I watched his lips form, and then move as if words were coming out of them, but I couldn’t hear anything but a loud ringing in my ears. I swayed a little on my feet and my vision blurred. I felt two strong arms grab a hold of me right after my knees buckled, and then someone turned off the lamp.

I lay there with my eyes tightly shut, but knew someone had turned the lamp back on; I could see the faint glow of light through the thinness of my eyelids. I could hear muffled arguing, or something of the sort, and my eyes shot open in fear the demon had come back.

I looked around, confused at my surroundings at first, but soon realized I was in Thoros’ bed, and he was not. He was one of the people arguing on the other side of his bedroom door. Isaiah was the other. Perfect.

I kept my mouth shut and my mind clear, so Isaiah wouldn’t pick up on my mental thoughts and shut his own mouth to keep me from hearing the discussion that was so heated at the moment. I could have probably shouted and neither of them would have noticed, though.

“You need to make her go back up to Heaven and get those things taken out of her before they cause her to do a lot worse than pass out!” Thoros shouted.

So that’s what had happened to me: I had fainted: new side effect for Heaven’s occupants. What next?

“The souls are not the issue with her, Thoros. Get your head out of your hind quarters and pay attention to her—”

“I have been! She is the only thing I’ve been paying attention to. But if it hadn’t been for her paying attention to me, I would more than likely be under Lucifer’s boot right now. I’m a mess, Isaiah!”

“I think you should tell her,” Isaiah said after a brief pause.

“I did—”

“She didn’t hear you. She was frightened of what she thought you were going to say, so she blacked out. Her mind refused to hear it, but I think she deserves to hear the truth, and I think she needs to hear it now.” There was another pause, and then, “Here is your chance. She’s awake and anxious to know why you are arguing with an old man like me, instead of in there explaining yourself to her.”

“Damn,” Thoros said, and I could almost hear him running his fingers through that gorgeous brown, wavy hair. “Stay out of our minds for a little bit. I know you already know what’s in my head, but I’d like to think what I have to say—that I’m only saying it to her.”

“Gladly. You think it’s tough having me in your head? Try having everyone in Heaven and on Earth in yours. When I took the role as Josselyn’s guardian angel, I tuned everyone else out besides the two of you. It would be nice to have only my own thoughts to listen to once in a while. I will see you both in the morning.”

I knew the time between Isaiah walking away from Thoros and the door opening had to have been mere seconds, a minute at best, but it felt like hours before I saw the soft glow of the lamp light on his chest and his petrified expression.

I immediately burst into tears. Sobs wracked from deep inside my chest and bubbled up through my throat and out of my mouth in a full-blown panic attack. I saw him rush to the bed and felt his arms wrap around me as I struggled through the hyperventilating, trying my best to draw in enough air to keep from passing out again.

Oh, God, my chest hurt so badly! He really didn’t want me. Isaiah wanted him to tell it to me straight, so I could put it all behind me and focus on my job that I was sent here to do. Oh, God, it hurt. It hurt! I would have given anything to make the pain go away. The crying wasn’t helping any, but I couldn’t seem to stop.

“Shh… Josselyn, baby… shh… I’m here. Please stop crying and tell me what’s wrong.”

I cried even harder. I knew he was here, but I knew he didn’t really want to be, and one day he wouldn’t be. Was this how Rhyan felt when he couldn’t have Kendra? No, it was hard to imagine, but I think Rhyan felt worse. He had to hear Kendra in his thoughts every waking minute of her days, and hear how happy and in love she was with Adam. I wouldn’t be able to cope with that. I would have had to give up that charge if the person I loved was in love with someone else and I had to listen to it, see it through their eyes, feel it as they felt for the other person.

I cried even harder, because now I knew the pain Rhyan had gone through. Even though Kendra wasn’t his soulmate, he loved her more than anything. My case was different: my soulmate didn’t love me, and he never would. The pain was real, so real I didn’t know how I was surviving it. Surely, even immortals could die from a pain this strong. I had been to Hell, but it wasn’t all that bad compared to this.

I noticed in that moment that the arms wrapped tightly around me were trembling, and Thoros was whispering something over and over as he rocked me back and forth. I forced myself to calm down so I could understand him better.

“I’m so sorry. I’m sorry, Josselyn. God, help her. Please be all right. I’m so sorry. I’m sorry, Josselyn—”

I took a deep, steady breath, and he froze and then eased me back so he could look at my soaking wet face.

I wiped at my cheeks and under my eyes, and then laughed lightly. “It’s hard to believe I wasn’t even able to cry four months ago with how many tears I’ve shed since then.”

“And I’m the cause of every single one of them. I’m so sorry,” he whispered.

“No.” I shook my head. “No, you weren’t the cause of
all
the tears. I shed a few for Isaiah, some for Rhyan, several for Malcolm…”

“Most of them belong to me, though?” He nodded his head and took a deep breath as he covered his eyes with his hands. After a moment he removed them and looked at me. “Please tell me what this was about. I’m really going crazy here not knowing what has happened to make you so upset.”

I felt like I wanted to cry again, but I forced a smile and took deep breaths to keep the tears at bay. “Broken hearts just suck, that’s all.” I let a great puff of air out of my mouth and blinked back the moisture in my eyes. There. That wasn’t so hard.

“You—you have a broken heart?” he whispered, and his face twisted in anguish.

I nodded, wishing there had been some tissues close by so I could blow my nose, but there wasn’t. Go figure. I didn’t know why I thought my luck would change at that moment.

“Who broke your heart, Josselyn?” he stammered out through a tightly closed jaw, and I could tell he was fighting an internal battle not to get angry, at least not in front of me. Fury was building in his stiff joints and clenched fists anyway.

Why was he acting this way? Why would he ask who broke my heart when it was crystal clear the big galoot was sitting right in front of me? Could he not see it? Could he not see how much I—

“Tell me, Josselyn! Is he in this house? One of the angels with you? One of the half-souled?” In a fit of rage, he started to move away from me to get off the bed and go search the house over for the male who had broken my heart and, when he found him, beat him to a bloody pulp for hurting me.
This is crazy,
I thought, and rolled my eyes as I laughed.

He turned and looked at me, like I had gone mad. Maybe I had, but I found this funny.

“Of course he’s in this house. I’m looking at him, you big idiot!”

He pointed at his chest. “Me? I—broke your heart? How is that even possible? You hate me.”

I stared at him for the longest time, wondering where we had both crossed paths without seeing each other. I finally shook my head in response. “I’ve never hated you, Thoros. I felt betrayed and deceived when I thought you had lied to me. I’ve had a lot of stress in the past three months, that’s for sure. And I’m not a fool to think it’s over, but I’ve never hated you. I’ve just been trying to figure out what exactly it is that I feel for you. I guess I knew all along that I loved you—”

“What?”

“—And then you kept rejecting me, but now I have come to the conclusion that I will let you win your game. I will sleep with you tonight and let you use me, because I want to be with you in that way, so really you have won and so have I. That’s what you wanted, right? Me to want you—”

“Jossel—”

“—And I won’t have any regrets. I know that you are my soulmate and there will never be anyone else that can take your place in my heart, but I know you don’t feel the same—”

“Josselyn!”

I blinked and took in a deep breath. “What?”

“I am in love with you.”

I swallowed and felt that dizzy feeling coming on again, but I pushed it back and focused on him. “Huh?”

“I wasn’t rejecting you—or maybe I was, but I wasn’t doing it to hurt you, I was doing it to keep from hurting you. I guess my plan backfired, didn’t it?”

“I don’t understand.”

He shook his head as he took my hand in his. “I’m stuck here, on Earth, for an eternity. When all of this is over, you will go back up to Heaven, as you should, but we won’t have a fairytale ending like Rhyan and Abigail. Lucifer will not release the other half of my soul so I can join you there. You have to know that. There is no bargaining with him after losing his last game. It could be decades, centuries even before he gambles with another of his souls, much less one that is able to steal pure souls for him.”

I looked down at our joined hands and felt my world crashing. Isaiah had been trying to get us together. He had been trying to help us realize that we were soulmates, but for what reason, if we were just going to have to spend eternity apart? I looked back up at him. “I will stay here with you—”

“No—”

I smiled. “Yes, Thoros. I can be happy here, because I will be with you—”

“No! I don’t want this for you! You did what you were supposed to on Earth and got your ticket into Heaven. That is where you deserve to be. I refuse to let you throw it all away for someone like me. You deserve to be with someone like… like—Malcolm. He can make you happy. I—”

The slap came so hard and fast across his face that I didn’t even realize it had been me who’d delivered it until I felt the sting on my hand a moment later. “How dare you!” I screamed, and then I slapped him again twice more as fresh tears stung my eyes. “How dare you tell me you love me, and then suggest I spend an eternity with another man!” He caught my wrist and threw me back on the bed when I went to slap him a fourth time.

I fought to sit up, but he was on top of my body, pinning me down with his weight. He held my arms over my head so I couldn’t hit him anymore, and all of his emotions bore into me through those green eyes of his. I could feel his labored breaths as they blew over the soft skin of my lips and chin. His breath smelled sweet, like mint, and I knew he must have brushed his teeth before Troy helped him to bed.

“I’m so sorry, Josselyn. I tried to push you away before and I tried to do it just now, but only because I know that you don’t deserve this. I would spend an eternity in Wrath with a smile on my face if I knew you were happy. That was my last attempt. I won’t push you away again. I’m too weak to see you with a broken heart. I realize what I was doing was only causing you more pain. I’m sorry. It won’t happen again.”

“You promise?”

“I swear it. I know it sounds selfish, but I would rather have you here with me than watch you go back to Heaven without me.”

“Tell me you love me again,” I said, and his eyes filled with silent laughter.

“I love you, Josselyn. I am yours—forever.”

I smiled back at him. “And I am yours, Thoros—forever and always.”

He bent and kissed me softly on the cheek, and then the nose. “You forgot to say something,” he whispered.

“I didn’t forget. I was only checking you were paying attention.”

“Well, I obviously was. Can I hear you say it now?

I smiled, enjoying our little game, and decided to up the stakes. “What’ll you give me for it?”

His mouth dropped open in surprise, but his eyes were full of humor. “A kiss?”

Rolling my eyes and looking away from him, I tried to seem uninterested in what he was offering up in exchange for three very simple, but extremely powerful words.

“I truly think it is worth more than just a kiss.”

He went very still in my arms, and then said in a quiet whisper, “Do you trust me?” I nodded, trying to suppress my smile, but he stayed silent for a moment before speaking low and clear, “I need to hear you tell me that you trust me or it stops here. I don’t want to hurt you or do anything that will make you uncomfortable, but I wasn’t the Prince of Lust because I was good at knitting, Josselyn. I can show you what hearing those words come out of your mouth mean to me, but I need you to trust me and I need to hear you tell me that you do.”

I wrapped my arms around his neck, clinging tightly to him, fearful of the unknown, but also knowing that he wouldn’t hurt me. I knew that for a fact now. Our souls were joined and I felt that I almost knew this man more than I even knew myself. He wouldn’t hurt me. Taking a moment to look back on my memories with him, I knew that he never really had. I had misunderstood, misread all the signs. He had loved me all along and was trying to protect me. I loved him, but did I trust him? The answer was an easy one: yes. Yes, I did trust him.

I relaxed and played with the hair at the nape of his neck with my fingertips. It was soft, and I knew by the way his breathing changed and the way his arms braced on either side of me, that he liked me touching him there. A smile spread wide across my face at the thought of all the other places on his body where he might like to be touched. He’d been very careful to keep very little skin contact with me as he held his body off mine as he was propped up on his elbows and knees, his back bowed so the only contact we had was my hand touching him. I craved to know if I was affecting him the way he was affecting me.

“Josselyn?” he growled, like he was running low on patience, and my smile grew even wider at the realization that I was teasing him. He wasn’t used to that.

I placed my palms flat on the broad expanse of his back and ran my hands over his shoulder blades. He stiffened and a groan escaped his throat as my hands made their way to his shoulders and the back of his arms, lightly touching, gently stroking with only the tips of my fingernails.