Gratitude & Kindness (11 page)

Step II: Taking
One Last Look at Your Hesitance to Say “No”

We should all be able to say “no” within the context of a healthy relationship without any feelings of guilt, shame, remorse, or discomfort. Children who have become entitled are quick to key into these emotions to pressure their parents into giving them what they want.

To follow up on our earlier discussion, if your family is turning out children with entitled attitudes and behavior, we need to take a closer look at how you use — or do not use—the word “no”.

There are a number of ways you should not use the word “no”. From a young age, children can associate “no” with negative feelings, and many of them cannot stand to hear it, which is one of the reasons that it can invoke such negative behavior.

Gratitude Tip
Learn to say “no” with a caring demeanor (caring does not mean apologetic) so that your child learns it is okay to hear the word, and it is not the end of the world if they cannot have something.

NO Without the Anger

Certainly, disrespect from our children can be annoying. But while unreasonable demands, whining and lack of gratitude easily provoke irritation and anger, angry reactions from us do not help.

When we say “no” with anger, our children frequently react with anger back. And, if the same demands or behavior has been allowed unchecked in the past, they will also be confused about why you are angry. When they have previously had their needs met when acting in an entitled fashion, your unexpected anger and frustration could be interpreted as not being about their unacceptable demands, but about your anger management problem. This could make them:

• Scared of you
  
• Back away from you emotionally
  
• Possibly angry enough to want to hit or hurt you in some way
  

Remember:
Anger never teaches gratitude and never teaches kindness.

• Entitlement-Crushing Script #1:
  

  “Do what you need to do first, and what you want to do, second.”
  

• Entitlement-Crushing Script #2:
  

  “Talk with disrespect and the answer is NO.”
  

• Entitlement-Crushing Script #3:
  

  “Ask me twice and the answer is NO. Ask me three times and the answer is NO for today, tomorrow, and the next day.”
  

Step III: The Food, Sh
elter, Clothing Rule (FSCR)

You recognize that your family is affected by a cycle of entitlement, and now it’s time to take a look at how your actions work to keep the cycle alive.

Parents need structure to help them make decisions about when to give and how much to assist, encourage, or provide support for their child. We find that during stressful times, when a parent is tired or otherwise not at their best, decisions that could reinforce entitlement tend to happen more frequently.

Entitled children will say nearly anything to get what they want—especially if they do not value compassion and appreciation.

Consider the following responses:

We are sure that you have heard variations of these negotiations while dealing with your own children—whether entitlement is a raging problem in your family or one that only occasionally raises its nasty head.

If you know that any or all of these situations influence your decision-making, it’s okay, you’re not alone. We suggest using strategies to buffer your vulnerability and help empower you to change. Use whatever reminder strategies that already work for you: Post-it notes on the side of your computer or on the bathroom mirror, setting a reminder on your phone, or anything else you know will prompt you to stand firm.

Also, consider adoptin
g our
Food, Shelter, and Clothing Rule
(FSCR) to help you to stay aware of needs versus wants.

The FSCR states that parents are responsible for providing the necessities of life: food, a place to live, and clothing. Anything beyond these are unessential bonuses which, from a child’s perspective, we could think about as a want, rather than a need.

It is a given that parents have a responsibility to provide the basics of the FSCR to their children, and that it is reasonable, that along with the expectation of giving to our children, to also expect appreciation from our children as they receive these basics. Any specific request, desire or demand, is technically outside the FSCR. Responding to our child’s refusal to eat one brand of peanut butter over another is not following the FSCR. Considering a relocation of the family home because of a teen’s assertion that the family needs to move closer to the beach is not following the FSCR. Shopping for a hard-to-find brand of sneaker for weeks because our child insists that Brand X is the only sneaker that is acceptable to wear, is not following the FSCR.

Consider whether the Food, Shelter, Clothing Rule makes sense for you. We are not suggesting you stick rigidly to it all days and in all ways. We fully support that the more a child or teen gives, the more they receive. The concept of the
Family Currency
is front and centre here. Mostly the FSCR can help you when you are feeling vulnerable, unsure, or when you find yourself waffling about your bottom line. Following the FSCR will give you a frame of reference to ensure that anything your child wants must be earned or requested in a kind and reasonable, non-manipulative way.

If you like the sound of the FSCR, feel free to talk to your children about it, but you do not need to tell them the rule. And remember: if you tell them you are going to institute the FSCR and you do not, it becomes an empty guideline which may backfire in terms of your overall gratitude/ kindness-boosting program.

If you do not want to get tangled up in empty promises, just use it as an internal mental filter through which you make decisions about what you will give and when, and as a discussion point with anyone you co-parent with (your nanny, your mother, your spouse).

FSCR Check In

For example:

• Situation:
  Your 14-year-old daughter Justine has asked to go to a sleepover at her friend’s house.
  
  • Filter 1:
    

    Does her request meet the
    FSCR
    ? No. This is a want,
    not a need.
    

  • Filter 2:
    

    Has she asked in a polite way? Yes, she asked in a
    very polite way.
    

  • Filter 3:
    

    Has she earned this privilege? Yes, she has been very diligent with keeping to the
    Family Currency
    (see Chapter 3)
    of keeping her room clean, helping out in the kitchen without being asked, and feeding the cat.
    

• Your answer:
  Yes
  

  Gratitude Tip
  Support your child to understand that hearing YES is a special treat with non-necessary advantages or privileges.
  

  This practice works best when you start with your
  young child.
  

Step IV: The Issue of the Exception (which should not be an
exception)

When do you give your child a free pass to ignore the kindness and gratitude rules in your family?

We work with many families whose children are facing chronic medical conditions (diabetes, renal disorder, Crohn’s, chronic pain...), injury, or severe psychological symptoms (anxiety disorders, depression). Parents tell us that they have a very difficult time holding their children to the typical standards of behavior, attitude, and responsibility when their children are unwell.

When a child’s medical or psychological condition is fragile for some time, it can be easy to unwittingly encourage entitlement. But, once the pattern is established, it is even more difficult to extinguish than it is for healthy children. We naturally tend to second guess ourselves about pushing sick children too much. Even after children recover, many families of previously sick children, keep reinforcing the overprotective precedent set when the child was unwell.

Whe
n our children are fragile, either physically or mentally, our normal reaction is to protect and rescue. That is fair and understandable. But, depending on the level of illness our child is facing, we still want to have a plan in place to keep at least a minimum level of respectful communication, expression of appreciation/gratitude, and contribution to the family. It is obviously not reasonable to have your child that just broke his leg clean out the dishwasher half-an-hour after his cast was set. It is reasonable to set the tone for him to express gratitude for a snack or a backrub however. It is also not reasonable to drop or flex your standards and family values for a child with a cold. Allowing a child to speak to you with a disrespectful or demanding tone is not reasonable in almost any circumstance. Even a child with laryngitis can use sign language to say “thank you.”

It is important to adjust your expectations according to the level of your child’s illness, but do not reduce your expectations to zero, or allow compassion to trigger excuses that feed the cycle of entitlement.

Take stock of the situations in which you have given your child—no matter what their age(s)—a free pass of some sort. Ask yourself whether you adjusted expectations to an acceptable level or to zero (or too low) using the following chart:

We invite you to reflect on any tendency to adjust expectations
for your children too easily, and to notice when you tend to over-adjust or lower your standards. Text yourself a reminder, or use old school
sticky notes to help you stay strong when faced with such a situation.
You can
do this!

Step V: Make a Plan

If you have made it this far, and you know you want to make a sustainable lasting change to your family environment, first of all:
Great news!

Secondly, remember that one of the keys to success with changes of this magnitude is consistency. A consistent approach and plan is more effective and easier for parents and children alike. Hopefully, as you have been working your way through the book, you have had many ideas about how you could make a difference, and where you would like to make positive changes first.

We caution you to hold off on changes until you are truly r
eady—we will be going into this more in Chapter 8. If you begin
entitlement-crushing
without the following strategies in place, your success will be lower, and lasting change will be much more difficult to achieve:

• A philosophical shift
  
• A clear vision of what you need to change about yourself
  
• Deciding on exactly what you are seeking to improve about your family culture in general, and your child’s attitude and behavior
  
• All the techniques you are going to use to achieve
  your goals
  

Use the template provided in
Appendix 2
to construct your plan. Once you are happy with it, copy it, share it with your friends and family, and post it all around your home to help keep yourself on track. With a good solid plan, you can reach your goals.

Rehab for Entitlement-Enhancing Others

Once you have your plan ready, you may determine that you are not the only person who has unwittingly enhanced entitlement in your home. It is time to get serious with all your child’s influential caregivers.

You may find your efforts undermined by your extended family, the babysitter/daycare/nanny, or your ex-wife or husband, but remember: the only person’s behavior that you have full control over is your own. Keep to your plan and do everything you can on your own.

Hopefully, you have some degree of communication and cooperation with others who have influence with your child. Do what you can to share your plan: photocopy the pages from this book that inspire you the most, share the exercise pages you have completed, and demonstrate through positive modeling what you are trying to do to make the changes you feel are important.