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“I
know what you mean,” he agreed.
He drank some of his champagne and topped my
glass up from the bottle.

“My friend is having a good time, though…” I pointed my glass at the dance floor, where Jade was still playing tonsil tennis with Mr Right-Now.

Sam laughed.
“Young love.”

“I’m not sure that’s love.” I tried to smile but it turned wistful.

“You sound like someone who knows,” he commented.

I didn’t know how to reply, so I gulped my champagne.

“If you’re not having a good time,” he continued, “why don’t you tell your friend that you’re going home?”

“She has the taxi money and I’m not walking to the cas
h-point in the dark on my own.
Looks like I’ll be
here until they chuck us out.”

“Look, Claudia, I’m going home after this drink, so why don’t we share a taxi?” Sam looked at me, as I glanced towards the dance floor, where Jade was grinding
her hips in time to the music. It did not look ladylike.
I
bit my lip, feeling indecisive.
Sam continued: “I’ll make sure you ge
t home OK and pay for the taxi.
I’d rather do that than you sitting here all night, putting up with these low-life guys working up the courage to talk to you.”

“If you’re really sure, I wouldn’t want to impose on you.”

“I quite like having the opportunity to
be a knight in shining armour.
I don’t
like to see a lady in distress.
Have some more champagne.”

He topped up
the glasses.
I had a feeling
that someone was looking at me.
I peered around the room and saw Andrea, the recep
tionist, looking daggers at me.
She was staring
at us, her face like thunder.

“Andrea is looking this way and she doesn’t look happy,” I loo
ked at Sam.
He didn’t look at Andrea, but kept his eyes fixed on mine.

“She has a crush on me,” his face broke out into an easy smile, revealing his white, straight teeth, “and she doesn’t like the idea that you might become more involved with the company
. Young, beautiful, intelligent. You’re her biggest nightmare.
She’s been hoping for a promotion from reception to being my personal assistant, but I don’t want her working that closely to me.”

That, at least, explained her treatment of me this morning.

He continued:
“She’s been with us for two years and hasn’t really impressed me very m
uch, so no hope of a promotion.
Meanwhile, you can waltz in as com
pany director if you choose to.
She’s insanely jealous of you.”

“I’d take it all back if it meant my parents were here.”

He closed his eyes slowly. “I know,” Sam opened his
eyes and looked me in my eyes.
For a moment, it felt as thou
gh we were united in our grief.
I raised my glass for a toast.

“To my parents.”

“To your parents.”

We drained our glasses.

“Go tell your friend that you’re leaving, I’ll meet you by the stairs,” Sam said.

I made my way through the pulsing crowd to Jade and tapped her on the
shoulder to get her attention.
Reluctantly, she broke away from Mr Right-Now.

“Claudia!
This is Ethan, he has some friends you know,
” Jade raised an eyebrow at me.
I ignor
ed her attempt at matchmaking.

“Hi, Ethan.
Jade, I’m going home, I bumped into someone I know and he’s going to share a taxi with me,” I spoke quickly, the words coming out in a blur.

“Oh my God, you slut!” Jade cackled, “I thought you weren’t that kind of girl!”

“Jade, focus. It isn’t like that, he’s a friend of my dad’s and I go to uni with his son, he’s just looking after me, OK?”

“Whatever you say, babe.
I’ll be round yours tomorrow to collect my stuff, take care and text me when you’re home.” She gave me a hug and turned her attention back
to Ethan.
Sam was waiting at the stairs, just as he promised.

“Do you have a coat?  You’
ll freeze in that tiny dress.”

“I che
cked it in, I’ll just get it.”
I started getting the ticket out of my bag.

“I’ll come with you.” He placed his hand on my back, gently guiding me in t
he direction of the coat check.
I felt tipsy from the champagne and my sore f
eet weren’t helping my balance.
We got my coat back and he held it out for me, to help me put it on.

Outside, he hailed a taxi quickly, giving my address f
irst, and his second.
I wondered for a moment how he knew where I lived, then reminded myself that he’d known my parents for years; just because I hadn’t seen him at the house didn’t mean he hadn’t been there
.
Sam asked the taxi driver to wait while he walked me to the door, helping me up the slippery path
that was laced with heavy ice.
He waited patiently whilst I fished my key out of my handbag and gave me a quick, shy peck on the cheek as he said goodbye. I waved as the taxi pulled away, relieved to be home and grateful to my knight in shining armour for deliver
ing me safely where I belonged.

It was a relief to be home, even though the house seemed empty, cold - despite me leaving lights and the heating
on.
I kicked off my shoes in the hallway, locked the do
or and put the safety chain on.
The clock in the hallway ticked away, the noise slightly muffled aft
er the volume of the nightclub.
I was alone.

I wandered around the downstairs, checking the doors
were locked.
I knew I’d checked them before I’d left the house,
but it gave me something to do.
In my old days of going out, before my parents had died, I would have come home and put the TV on, then made tea and toast, usually waking up my poor dad in t
he process.
That carefre
e girl was now a lifetime away.
Tonight had proved to me that I wouldn’t be her ever again.

Wearily, I climbed the stairs.
I’d realised that the best ending to the night that I could hope f
or would be a dreamless sleep.
I had no
thing to look forward to.
Tears had started spilling down my face the moment I’d closed the front door and I could feel my masca
ra being washed down my cheeks.
I’d been strong for as muc
h of the day as I could manage.
Trying to pretend that I didn’t miss Marty didn’t work, every beat of my
heart felt like a cry to him.

I sent a brief message to Jade to
let her know I was home safely.
I brushed my teeth, took off the remnants of my
make up, and got ready for bed.
In the stillness of my bedroom, the pain of
missing Marty was unavoidable.
There were no distractions to numb me from
the constant ache of my heart.
I stood there quietly, eyes closed, remembering how it felt to have his arms around m
e, how loved he’d made me feel.
I knew it would cause him pain to see me reminisce, but I couldn’t resist indulging in my mem
ory – it briefly made me happy.
I imagined what would have happened if it had been Marty, and not Sam, wh
o had arrived at the nightclub.
I pictured dancing with Marty, our bodies undulating with every beat, the feel of his lips kissing
my neck, his hands on my waist.
My mind created an image so real, so beautiful, I could almost touch it. I kept my eyes closed and stayed in the vision my brain had produced for me, gleaning every particle
of happiness it could offer me.
I knew once I opened m
y eyes the magic would be gone.
The temporary world in my head was only a sho
rt respite from the loneliness.

All too soon, it was time to open my ey
es. I was alone in my bedroom.
I hoped Marty hadn’t seen me retreat into the secret world in my hea
d, it made me hurt to hurt him.
I closed my eyes and spoke aloud, hoping he would hear the words I wanted to say to him.

“Marty, I miss you so much…I can’t believe you’ve been gone for less than a week…I am trying to move on, I really am…I just don’t know how to move on…or maybe I don’t want to…I don’t see how anything here can compare to what we had…I never wanted to cause you any pain…Do you miss me, too?”  I paused, too choked up to continue my soliloq
uy.
I felt something brush against my
nose; soft, the briefest touch.
My eyes flew open and I saw a tiny white feather drifti
ng to the floor in front of me.
I sta
rted laughing through my tears.
I picked the feather up and held it in the palm of my hand as though it was the most precious object in the world – which to me, right now, it was.

I closed my eyes, my fingers gently tracing the d
elicate strands of the feather.
“I guess this means that you are missing me…I feel so much better, just for this little contact with you…Olivia said I should try to carry on as though you never existed, that you were getting into trouble with the others for the pain I felt…I don’t want them to blame you, so I am trying, for you…That’s the only reason to carry on, to save you…I hope you don’t get int
o trouble for this…I love you.”
I felt a soft flutter on my lips and my eyes flashed open to see another white feather, spin
ning gracefully in front of me.
I gently captured it in
my palm with the other feather.
I whispered: “Thank you, Marty,” and headed to the bed, clutching my precious feathers in my hand and drifted off to sleep.

Chapter 23

I could feel one of his arms wrapped around me, his chest pressed up against my back, and his lips gently caressing
my hair as he whispered to me.
I couldn’t understand the words, but I just relaxed and enjoyed the sensation of his body being close to mine, the rhythmic movement of his breathing,
the beat of his heart pulsing.
I could tell his head was propped up on his other arm
and he was watching me sleep.
I wondered if he knew that I was already waking up, caught in the limbo that exists somewhere between sleeping and waking, when the mind isn’t completely sure of whether it is sti
ll dreaming or seeing reality.
I turned around
to face him, eyes not open yet.
Suddenly, I felt a lurch in my stomach – the kind of feeling you get in a lift when it drops faster than you were expecting – and as I open
ed my eyes, I knew he was gone. I’d just been dreaming.
Possibly the best dream I’d eve
r had, but a dream nonetheless.
The two white
feathers were still in my hand.
At
least that part had been real.

My head felt decidedly clear for the amount of alcohol I’d consumed the previous evening, but I debated staying in bed and trying to find my way back into the dream I’d been enjoyin
g.
I remembered that Marty’s survival depended on my ability to live my life wi
th some semblance of normality.
Reluctantly, I left the warmth and memories of my bed and wande
red downstairs to the kitchen.

I had my last rehearsal before Christmas later in the day and then I faced a few days with nothing to occupy me until I
left for Aunt Sandra’s house.
My mobile phone beeped to alert me to a message from Jade as I waited for the kettle to boil:

I’m hanging!
Being sick and mum left for work, so I’m gonna get Tim to drive
me over later to get my stuff.

I smiled, partly because I felt Jade deserved to have a hangover and partly because I remembered the huge crush I’d had on her b
ig brother Tim a few years ago.
He was three years older than us and seemed so mature comp
ared to the boys at our school.
I, along with most of our friends, had been heartbroken when Tim left our town to go to university three years ago – and then our collective hearts had broken a second
time when he got a girlfriend.
It felt so juvenile to me now – I could see how insignificant my feelings had been for him.

I made myself a cup of tea and decided to watch some TV for a while – that was what normal people did on
a Saturday morning, I decided.
My eyes felt like they were glazing over as I watched a cookery show, taking nothing of it in, knowing I would never recreate the elaborate meal th
at the chef was demonstrating.
It did, however, remind me that I hadn’t been eating properly and I forced m
yself to get a bowl of cereal.