Grin and Bear It: How to Be Happy No Matter What Reality Throws Your Way (22 page)

Jonathan and I really needed to get away. I wanted some uninterrupted quality time with my husband before the craziness of my shooting schedule interfered with my life and before Jonathan got busy with his work. We had taken a short trip to Cabo San Lucas, Mexico, as a honeymoon after the wedding, but because of professional obligations, it was a very short trip. After weighing the pros and cons, we still thought that this trip to Hawaii was a much-needed respite.

Nature has a way of taking care of itself, especially when it comes to pregnancies that just aren’t meant to be. Sadly, I suffered a miscarriage in Hawaii. I felt very peaceful about it, yet emotional for our loss. At the same time, I was extremely grateful to know that I could get pregnant.

Unaware that I had been pregnant or that I had just miscarried, my dearest friend Kami called me while we were in Hawaii. She said she’d had a crazy dream that I was going to have a baby. She told me that she saw the ocean and a little girl standing there waiting and wanting to come to us. Although I didn’t tell her what had just happened, I was very moved by her call, and hoped with every ounce of my being that she was right.

When we got back to Los Angeles, Jonathan and I decided to try again right away. I went to the doctor to get some definitive answers on when we could start to try again. She saw something on the sonogram that looked a little confusing and suggested we do a blood test to see what was going on.

I left her office and went straight to shoot an episode of the second season of
Interior Therapy with Jeff Lewis
at the home of two men who were our clients for the week.

We were having dinner when one of the guys turned to me and said, “You are pregnant!”

“No…” I said.

“Yes, you are.” He was insistent.

He walked around the dining room table and began touching my tummy. “I can always tell, and you, my dear, are definitely pregnant!”

Okay, this was a little weird. I explained that I had just had a miscarriage and that perhaps he was picking up on that. I denied the notion as even being possible.

When I left their house that night, I checked my telephone messages from the car. There was a missed call from my doctor.

“Honey, it’s kind of spooky, but I did your blood test and you are pregnant again! Your hormone levels are very high this time, making me very optimistic that this will be a viable pregnancy. Congratulations!” She was genuinely happy and thrilled for me.

When I got home, I played the message for Jonathan.

He was speechless … again. He could hardly believe what he was hearing.

Neither could I.

My mind reeled with thoughts on whether I’d be a good mother, was the timing of this right, could I do this? I get overwhelmed so easily. Was I really ready for this? The truth is, there really is no perfect time for anything that changes your life forever. You just do it and then figure it out.

A friend of mine said, “All a baby really needs in the beginning is you, a bottle, and a blanket.”

Something about those words calmed my mind.

Jonathan had been through so much change in the months since he left Chicago. He handled it all with beautiful grace.

And me?

Alianna made us a family—2013. (Lori Dorman photography)

Being pregnant has been my greatest lesson in embracing the unknown and being at peace with it. I don’t know what to expect and probably never will, but this time around, I am fully committed to doing the work, to put the baby’s needs before my own, and learn to be the very best mom I can be. I have finally let go of my need to prove to the world I am someone—that I matter. There’s something and someone in my life that is so much bigger than me now.

Dear Baby Alianna,

You have immediately made my life a happier place to be, and we just met! I stare at you and see innocence, determination, and strength. Stay that way, my baby girl. I hope I can teach you how to embrace failure and to not be afraid.

Your father loves you so much. You should see the way he looks at you. I know how much he loves me when I see how much he loves you. I want this for you someday.

He loves when you have a poopy diaper, too! That will be embarrassing one day, sorry! You make us both so very proud.

There was a time I was down and thought someone like you would never come into my life. That God didn’t want that for me. I had to Grin and Bear It. I’m so glad I did.

You were waiting for the right time, and let me tell you, you were
so
worth the wait.

If everyone out there doesn’t believe good things are waiting for them, they are wrong. It just wasn’t about my timing. It was about yours.

The world is ahead of you and it is so exciting. Please remember to try not to go “juvenile delinquent” on me.

I will be here for you every day of my life.

Baby, it’s all about
you
, now, and I couldn’t be happier about that.

xoxo

Mom

MY MOM’S WORRY LIST

I worry my daughter will become a juvenile delinquent. Check

I worry my daughter will get divorced or marry the wrong man. Check

I worry my daughter will embarrass me. Check

I worry my daughter will end up “on the cutting-room floor.” Check

I worry that she will eat and drink too much. Check

I worry she will make me cook for her when I am old. Check

I worry she will have more than one big wedding. Check

I worry she will never be okay and never be happy. NO CHECK

See Mom? It all worked out.

Acknowledgments

God, you answered my prayers when you were ready and I am sorry for not being understanding of that in the moment. You have given me the desires of my heart and I love you with all that I am. Thank you for not strangling me.

Mom, aka Alice, you are my inspiration. You have lived your life with dignity, obedience, faith, and love. Yes, I tease you about your negativity and lack of nurturing, but I know you did the absolute best you could, which is all any of us can do. My prayer is that I can be for Alianna everything wonderful I now realize you have been for me. I promise I will call you every day when you are ninety-three with the latest “juvenile delinquent” updates.

Dad, I love you and thank you for being the best dad you could be. Because I am your daughter I have been blessed with many gifts. I appreciate every wonderful thing about you. You can always make ’em laugh. Thanks for all you did for me.

Krisann, my beautiful sister, you are my best pal and hero. The love letter you wrote to cancer was more proof of your faith, strength, grace, beauty, and determination. Take a bow, celebrate your many talents, and embrace that many more dreams will come true in your life.

To the men of the Kontaxis Family—Dr. Euthym, Michael, Nicholas, and Christian—your faith is an inspiration, and your humor often smoothed my bumpy road. Dr. Euthym, you have been a rock star. Nicholas, pray for me. Michael, cast me in your movies. Christian, can you operate on me when I am old?

Jonathan Nassos, you are my best friend, partner in faith, and the love of my life. You were worth the wait. You are more than what I prayed for, wished for, and dreamed about. Thank you for every day. If life was taken from me tomorrow I have experienced true love and a peace with you that I could never have imagined. You have made my mom so happy. I wish love like this for everyone out there. Even on the days I want to shoot you.

To the Nassos Family, you have given me a man who gave my life meaning. I will always treasure your faith, love, and support. You have very powerful genes. Alianna looks just like Jonathan.

To Lulu, Janet, and Alianna, my three favorite girls in the whole world. My heart is always with you. You are my everythings. The three of you are tremendous supporters of the arts. I thank you for your endless love and for calling me Mom.

To Father James Tavlarides, I’m thanking God for you.

To Dr. Ron Kvitne, his lovely wife Kal, and their beautiful daughter, Aliki, thank you for introducing me to my husband.

To Jeff Lewis: We have had a wild ride and I love you no matter what life brings our way. You are passionate, extremely talented, and have a big heart. Yes, I have wanted to kill you, and probably always will, but don’t worry it will never happen.

My mazel of the day goes to Andy Cohen, my loyal friend with the 411. Your friendship has been a huge gift and I so admire your willingness to “go toward the hit” in your own life. You are full of chutzpah, talent, and warmth.

To all my friends at Bravo: God bless each and every one of you for allowing me to be SEEN.

To Jeff Lewis Design, for putting up with “Mom.”

To Chaz Dean: Your genius gave me long beautiful hair. I am grateful for such a kind, dear friend. My hair was gorgeous on my wedding day because you did it.

To all the teachers, bosses, coworkers, and Hollywood experts who told me I was a nonstop failure, that I couldn’t do it, and rewarded my bad behavior: A better-late-than-never thank-you. With your help I have become less self-involved, more confident, and the barely famous woman I am today.

To the St. Martin’s Team: Kathy Huck and John Murphy, who, after their experience with this curly-haired girl, may want to go into early retirement. Thank you for championing me. Thanks, also, to Jeanne-Marie Hudson, John Karle, Kim Ludlam, Kate Ottaviano, Nancy Trypuc, and the rest of the gang.

To Authentic Entertainment, you were my first big showbiz “Yes.” I am forever grateful.

To Chris Elwood: I know you have a new life; I wish you the best always.

To Laura Morton: Thanks for sharing your expertise with Kathleen and me on this long journey. You have no idea what it meant that a talented bestselling author was interested in helping me tell my story. You and my buddy Sevey inspired one of my favorite raps ever, “Poo in the Potty,” now available on iTunes.

To Kathleen King: Thank you for saying yes when I asked you to write raps, and now a book with me. You have worked patiently to transform my negative thinking and always believed I would have the desires of my heart. Dreams others laughed at or minimized you supported with time and effort. I thank God for all your talents that you have used in my service. You have always delivered big time. I love you.

To Ming Shao, for being a true gentleman and always going the extra mile. You were not afraid of the ugly cry.

To Adam Mitchell: You know the drill and your support and hard work kept us on track.

To Shoushana Balian, Debbie Carey, and Ivonne Salinas: Your major mojo with makeup and hair allowed me to live in beauty fantasyland and look ten years younger.

To Monica Marin and Josefina Plietez: Thank you for your courage, care, and support. Alianna and I will always be grateful.

To Zoila Chavez: Te Amo!

To Kameron Moody: Thank you for your friendship.

And thanks to Tara Senior, Mel Berger, David Tenzer, Antranig Balian, Melissa Berger, the Ekstrom family, the Levitan family, and everyone whose name is not listed you know who you are.

… I almost forgot: Deb wants me to thank Heidi Lamb, who made sure everything was in the mail!

About the Authors

JENNI PULOS
is co-star and consulting producer of Bravo’s
Flipping Out
and co-star and co-executive producer of Bravo’s new show
Interior Therapy with Jeff Lewis
. More than a television personality, Pulos is an actress, comedian, writer, producer, lyricist, and rapper.

LAURA MORTON
is the author of more than thirty-five books, including eighteen
New York Times
bestsellers, including works with Justin Bieber, Al Roker, Susan Lucci, and Melissa Etheridge.

KATHLEEN KING
is a writer, director, and consultant for professionals working in the entertainment industry.

GRIN AND BEAR IT.
Copyright © 2014 by Jenni Pulos. All rights reserved. For information, address St. Martin’s Press, 175 Fifth Avenue, New York, N.Y. 10010.

www.stmartins.com

Cover design by Danielle Fiorella

Cover photographs by Adam Bouska

All other photos courtesy of the author unless noted otherwise.

The Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data is available upon request.

ISBN 978-1-250-02819-8 (hardcover)

ISBN 978-1-250-02818-1 (e-book)

First Edition: March 2014