Grin and Bear It: How to Be Happy No Matter What Reality Throws Your Way (16 page)

6. Really thinking it’s all about you.

Okay, by now you’ve got the idea that for a long stretch, I walked through life believing the world revolved around me, that it owed me something, and I could do no wrong. When you are cast in a role or join a company, you become part of a team. I don’t think a lot of people really get the concept of teamwork. If they did, 50 percent (or more) of marriages wouldn’t end up in divorce! For generations, there has been an ebb and flow of living in the “me” or the “we.” When you live in the me, it’s every man or woman for him or herself. When you live in the we, you can move mountains for the collective greater good. It took lots of expensive therapy for me to embrace that
it’s not about me.
I know … this revelation came as a total shock to me, too!

Throughout my early years of auditioning, it never once occurred to me that the job I was going for was the same job that the people sitting behind the desk relied on, too. I never considered that they had a stake in the outcome—that my needs weren’t their needs. I never looked at the process of auditioning as a business that required teamwork. For me, it was all about “show”: “I’ll show them.” I was wasting their time and my connections living in the “I” and not understanding “we.”

Learning to be patient is a great equalizer when it comes to understanding that there is always more than your job on the line. I had to learn to be a valuable team player and embrace the concept of protecting your boss … for example, covering for him so he doesn’t look more germophobic than actually he is. In 2009, Jeff and I were invited to ring the opening morning bell on the New York Stock Exchange. We got this honor because someone had cancelled at the last minute.

Jeff shook a lot of hands that morning and was increasingly worried about germs. The gentleman who was escorting us through the exchange talked about the history and all of the different people who had shared this great honor. To prepare us, he said the bell rings at precisely 9:30 a.m. At 9:29:45, we needed to be on the podium, in place and ready to hit the big red button that sounds the ringing of the bell.

Jeff was all set to press the button, but as the seconds ticked down, it became a Cindy Brady moment (the episode where she freezes as the red light on the television camera is switched on). Believe it or not, Jeff froze. You can’t be late when you’re ringing the opening bell of the largest stock exchange in the world. I pushed the button. He immediately placed his hand over mine so we did it together. We saved the world from potential financial chaos that morning and realized that sometimes two is better than one.

7. Don’t listen to your mother when she is giving you good advice.

Like most kids, it took me a long time to discover that a lot of the advice I’d rejected from my mother over the years was actually
good.
Of course, I didn’t listen to her at the time, which I see now was a mistake. When I first told my mom that I wanted to marry Chris, she talked to me about the importance of marrying someone who has similar beliefs. At the time, I thought she was crazy because I really thought Chris and I had so much in common. Comedy does not a marriage make. I fought her tooth and nail, thinking she was trying to own me. Naturally, I didn’t believe my mom truly understood who I was—after all, my life was supposed to be so “different” from hers.

Turns out, not this time around.

Mom instilled a strong work ethic in me from a very early age. “Work hard, because hard work pays off,” she’d say.

Yeah, I didn’t really listen to her on that one either.

“Jennifer, you have to present yourself in a positive way. Put yourself together when you’re going out on interviews and try to sell yourself. Be happy you are unique!” she’d say.

Nope. Didn’t really hear her on that solid advice.

I wanted to be the rebel who had to be her own person. Since I didn’t really have the typical look I thought it would take to get noticed, I wore my hats backward and dressed in crazy costumes. Oh, I got noticed, all right—but not in the way I hoped.

There’s an old saying, “Mother knows best.” You may not realize it when you’re young and you may not even want to accept it as you mature, but the reality is, your mom has been through life experiences and has navigated situations and circumstances you likely think she hasn’t, and therefore won’t give much credence to the words and advice she offers to you along the way. You may think she’s being critical, judgmental, out of touch, old-fashioned, snarky, and doubting. And you may even be right. But, you have to remember she loves you and cares about the choices you’re making along the way. Her approach, her tone, her manner in which she comes at a particular situation may not always jive with how you see things but this doesn’t necessarily make her wrong. And it certainly doesn’t always make her right. But the reality is, she likely has more insight than you’re giving her credit for, so don’t dismiss her words without some thought. So for all of those times I doubted you, and all the times I fought back, I now realize that being my mother was a very, very difficult job—Alice (Mom), what you did with this “juvenile delinquent” deserves an award.

In Greek,
efharisto
. (In English, thank you!)

8. Giving up the fight when you believe in something.

When
Flipping Out
was initially picked up, I felt I deserved to have some type of credit for the show. After all,
The Wannabes
gave birth to
Flipping Out.
I stood firm that I wouldn’t do the show unless I got some type of co-producer credit. Even though I felt the need to stand my ground, Jeff wasn’t sure I would win this battle. I couldn’t let them promise me something and then take it away after I signed my agreement. If I allowed that to happen, it would have set a precedence to let the network disrespect me and my contributions. I was setting up a business relationship that I hoped would be strong, but it had to be mutually agreeable to succeed.

The executives at Bravo were clear in telling me I shouldn’t expect a co-producer’s credit. At the time, no one in a supporting role had that kind of credit.

“No,” I said.

I believed I had a strong hand in creating the show that became Jeff’s. I wanted Jeff to support me with the network. Jeff didn’t give me any false hopes, but he assured me he would talk to Andy Cohen, the Executive Vice President of Original Programming and Development for Bravo. I was at a wedding in Costa Rica when Jeff e-mailed me to say he was having lunch with Andy to discuss the matter, though he reiterated that he really didn’t think the network would give in. Most of the people offering me advice agreed with him. I was beyond scared, but something deep inside me knew if I didn’t make the choice to step up and believe in myself how could anyone else expect to?

The next morning, I received a call saying I’d gotten what I wanted.

In Andy’s book,
Most Talkative,
he writes about the lunch he and Jeff had on this very subject, saying that Jeff convinced Andy it was the right thing to do. Jeff had my back and showed me and the network that he wanted me to be a part of the show. It was a scary thing to go through, but in the end I didn’t give up the fight for something I believed in. That’s how I became a producer.

9. Avoid responsibility.

I always thought it would be easier to make it in Hollywood if I were blonde with big boobs and a tiny waist. I am a Greek-American girl with curly dark hair, who used to be chubby. These were not characteristics of a Hollywood starlet. Unfortunately, I never owned my uniqueness. Instead, I used it as the reason why I wasn’t getting jobs. People often said they didn’t know how to categorize my look because I didn’t fit any particular stereotype. I wasn’t the typical “best friend” and they didn’t think I was lead material either. I didn’t understand the reason that no one was seeing me as a lead was because of the massive amount of responsibility that position required. I wasn’t capable of being much more than a bit player due to the fact I hadn’t been willing to do the work. I avoided taking any responsibility for my part in not getting the roles I desired by not showing up prepared, ready, willing, or able to deliver consistently.

One surefire way to fail is to not know about the product you are selling—especially if that product is you.

In acting, the reality is you
give
a performance. In any profession, you have the responsibility to give, give, give, and just when you think you’ve got nothing left to give, you have to give some more.

10. Don’t write the check.

I once had a girlfriend who would spend hundreds of dollars on a T-shirt, thousands on jackets and shoes, and had a wardrobe to kill for. When I was holding her coat, watching from the sidelines of the red carpet, I dreamed of having those nice things, but I didn’t feel I could, because … I was broke. It took some very good advice that led me to the wonderful world of resale shopping. One of the great things about living in Los Angeles is that the consignment shops are filled with fabulous designer clothing priced at a fraction of their original cost. Welcome to high-end label heaven! For the most part, these items have only been worn a few times—if at all. At these shops, I found clothing that was once very expensive but now easy for me to afford. I bought a Burberry coat that I saw in
W Magazine
for seventy-eight dollars! At the time, that felt like a fortune, but then I remembered hearing the advice that you need to “write the check.” To make money, you need to spend money and your clothes speak volumes. Pay attention to what they are saying.

I realize money is an uncomfortable topic for most people, myself included. It took me a long time to come around to understanding the value in investing in myself. Write the check for the things that you want to do and become and be willing to spend money on the people and things that will help get you there.

You might think you’re already doing that, but for the real proof of where and how you are spending your money, look at your checkbook. Your checkbook is a very interesting “tell all” about your life. If you were to look at the register what would it reveal?

There’s a saying, “Open their checkbook and you will see who someone is.” What are you spending your money on?

I said I wanted to be a better actress but I wasn’t using my resources to achieve that. I never invested in books or DVDs that might have helped me study my craft and propel my career forward. The only thing I focused on was being dissatisfied.

Looking back, I didn’t spend my money on the things I said I wanted. Instead, I went out to dinner with friends where I could complain about not working. Making the decision to pursue the things I said I wanted made a huge difference. I started making money in my career and it was because I was willing to write the check.

10

Man Up: A Little Deb in All of Us

I have a long
history of creating characters that I’ve used over the years to help me find and then express my voice. I once pretended to be a part-time talent manager dressed as my character Gordy, who claimed his sole purpose in life was to get work for his client, the fabulously talented Jenni Pulos.

I suppose this was my homage to Andy Kaufman, who was such a genius at this type of role-play.

A very popular character I developed over the years is Deb Krux—a woman I refer to as my cousin and who was born during my early rap career. (By the way, Deb loves quoting Oprah—
see above
.) Several years ago, the
LA Times
produced short vignettes that aired in movie theaters around Los Angeles before the feature film. They were usually movie-industry specific, focusing on different jobs that go into making movie magic, from stuntmen to sound effects. I thought it would be funny to use Deb as a character who works the craft service (snack) table on a set. I created a short vignette that everyone loved from the start.

Fruits, nuts, and flakes … guess my location!

Deb is strong, formidable, and totally unafraid to say what she thinks! She also knows how to get things done—and fast. She isn’t afraid to stand up for herself or to others. She has no filter, which is why I think Jeff Lewis (and so many of our viewers) like her so much.

Kindred spirits?

Perhaps.

Many people relate to this character; I guess that’s why I am often asked to speak as Deb wherever I go.

In the beginning, Deb was just a character I only played on occasion. These days, she exists as a separate persona with Twitter and Facebook accounts. I’m not saying I have multiple personalities—there may be some people in my life who would dispute this—but Deb has been brought to life in such a way that people really do believe she exists beyond my imagination.

Deb is everything I am not. She speaks in a voice that is a good octave lower than my sometimes squeaky pitch, which must be the reason people take her more seriously. There is no mountain too high to climb with a smile, but if a smile doesn’t get her there, her fierce determination and name-calling certainly will!